Study: Excessive Drinking Impairs Ones Ability to Think

Researchers at Venango County campus have discovered that alcohol may in fact impact the bodies rationale. In lab test consisting of 25 kittens, professors conducted experiments to see how well the immune system reacts to varrying doses of liquor. The results were staggering.

In the controlled experiments, professors discovered kittens given heavier doses functioned less productively with some of them falling asleep permanently. The ones that did wakeup had extreme hangovers resulting in excessive vomiting with some even coughing up their intestines.

The mid level subjects performed much better than those which were given a keg. Symptoms still consisted of some vomiting, but also demonstrated severe difficulty in maintaining balance. Meows were slurred as all kittens in this group accidentally stumbled off the edge of the table.

Kittens who were given pints performed the best out of all subjects. Though still some issues with vomiting and subjects stumbling onto the floor, researchers could notice a difference in how slurred their meows were.

The results were sent to Clarion University for further examination. Professors of Venango Campus received a call directly from the University President himself who in the most professional demeanor he could exhibit asked his employees "what the hell were you thinking when you did this?"

Clarion University is trying to sell Venango Campus for the 9th time since accidentally purchasing it. According to the University President, Venango Campus told him they had PHD's just before he purchased the property. He later learned they thought PHD's stood for "physically and habitually demented."

Clarion University apologizes for the campuses use of kittens in their laboratory experiments. They say they were unaware of this and plans to not only hold the professors accountable, but change their number so the Campus can't tell them the next time they do something this stupid.

This story has NOT been brought to you by the Precious Paws Animal Rescue located on 720 Atlantic Avenue in Franklin, and whose phone number is 814-671-9827, and who upon learning about this fabricated story will likely have a heart attack.