Pool Noodle Disarmed, Llama Dies at Scene
After days of brutal warfare between Millcreek and Erie, the Mall in Kearsarge faced what many assumed to be its final fate. After an unidentified spy crossed from Erie into the Colony of Kearsarge, witnesses observed a pool noodle dropped outside the JC Penney storefront in a manner that could have caused it to detonate.
It was a surprise to the surrounding observers that nothing happened. With many seeking cover, the noodle just sat in the middle of the road, failing to discharge. Authorities evacuated the scene while establishing a two mile parameter around the noodle.
Many believe this attempt was fueled by the recent tensions over the Millcreek Mall's artillery system pointed toward Erie. A week of adult diaper barrages left several structures in the downtown section of Erie stained with unflushed elderly feces. The worst example of the barrage could be seen on the lakefront, where Erie's largest monument was marred with disgust.
Monday afternoon marked 24 hours since the pool noodle was dropped outside the Mall. Authorities state that while they were not confident in the safety of approaching, they had no choice if they were to save Millcreek's giant pistol.
Two bomb squad specialists approached the explosive with foam proof shields. After thorough examination, they were able to determine that the pool noodle had no electronic devices attached.
Following bomb squad procedure, the officers covered the noodle in special material to discharge it safely.
Because neither individual had a device to detonate the noodle, both officers were forced to do it manually by saying the word "BOOM!" Once the noodle was properly blown to bits, the bomb squad members removed the shielding and poured ashes on the road to make it look like something happened.
It was at this time, witnesses say they saw an angry llama running toward the two officers, spitting ruthlessly.
Officers returned spitfire and managed to hit the llama in the neck. It instantly died of Covid.
Drive by spittings are a common occurrence in Erie. Although Mayor Paranoia denies it, there is no doubt the animal is a resident of the his town. The question remains if this llama was sent by the City of Erie's Department of Military Affairs, or if it was acting on its own. DNA samples will help Millcreek authorities determine if it came from the Erie Zoo, or if it is among one of the thousands of llama's living among the residents.
Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek says that the city will respond to Erie's attempt at destroying the Mall as soon as they manage to collect enough pool noodles to launch back at the neighboring city. So far, no resident has responded to the call to donate their pool noodles for the defense of their town. Experts believe this is due to the local sentiment that the right to bear pool noodles is an ideal pertaining to personal defense and not to be observed as a storage space for political leaders.
Mayor Wastecash is working to amend this second amendment in Millcreek's constitution that puts the right to bear pool noodles in the hands of the people.
A meeting will be held tonight at the Zem Zem Club in Millcreek, where township residents can vote to decide what pool noodles to beat him with.
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