Pittsburgh Structure Defies Owners' Guidelines

An abandoned building is under fire after intentionally defying its owners' rules by taking a smoke break on sacred grounds. According to information provided by the Pittsburgh Post Pardom, the former Grandview United Methodist Church located at 301 Grandview Ave. in Pittsburgh, decided to help itself to a substance known to cause lung cancer. Fortunately, the building now ceases to exist and therefore, will not be risking lung cancer.

"I'm just glad it spent its last moments doing what it always wanted." states one witness from the newly formed Divided Methodist Church. "The building secretly expressed to me its desire to try a smoke break, but that it was afraid of being sent to Hell. Now, it can say it's done both."

The structure has not been visited since its abandonment in 2022. After more than a century of being told how to live under the scope of religious perfection, it seems the structure finally fell to temptation now that it does not have a congregation to keep it accountable.

"I just don't understand why it went so far to burn itself to the ground." states Pastor Methheadist of the lesser-known daughter church. "I know it was under a lot of pressure from that congregation, but we were always inviting it to become a member at our church to get its mind on something else."

As the questions behind what caused the building to snap bring about fresh speculations, many are asking what to do with the remains.

Some have suggested creating a giant urn, but cannot justify the cost since that community is poor. Additionally, others have recommended replacing it with a vape shop to help promote alternative forms of lung-damaging pleasures. This idea is being considered, but will have to compete with the possibility of another Dollar General.

While the debate continues, the location that once was still is. Despite not having a building on top of it, the ground hasn't gone anywhere, meaning that people still have something to walk on. Funeral processions will be announced later this week.