Oil City’s Most Profitable Industry Rings in the New Year

Dozens of factory workers from beneath the Veterans Street Bridge are ready to bring in the new year. Though exhausted due to short staffing, the CEOs of the Oil City Drug Ring issued a public statement today wishing their workers a happy new year, promising that 2026 will be much more profitable.

The staff shortage began in early October after several workers failed to pass state regulated drug tests. With the staffing cut to less than half, current employees were forced to work harder to meet popular demand.

Now, the drug lords say they will create policies for workers to easily fool the drug tests so they can justify hiring more workers.

"We are ready to create trainings for new hires explaining the science of tests and ways to fool the system" states the CEO of the Oil City drug ring.

The trainings will require at least a month to implement. But the CEO is certain it will help bring on new staff who can avoid testing positive.