Northern Townships Barely Deter Southern Army From Successfully Reaching Oil City

The Venango States of America has successfully turned the armies of the South away from Venango County's capital of Oil City. After a fierce fight that in all honesty only involved a few spitballs and nerf darts, all of which missed their targets.

The battle began roughly 9 a.m. yesterday, when two military members for the northern townships were sent to protect the top of Seneca Hill while guarding their checkpoint. The southern armies caught the Union by surprise when they unexpectedly drove past them.

The Venango State's military immediately responded by jogging as fast as they could down the hill. The lack of a car made it very difficult, especially since the hill is pointed to an almost perfect horizontal decline.

Military personnel managed to catch up with the southern troops. Because their pickup is the same model of the average Venango County resident. With the bumper barely hanging on by a bungee cord, southern troops state that they could only afford enough gas from the change that was in their pocket. That amounted to about ten cents. Ultimately, it wasn't the lack of gas that kept them from making it down the hill, but the fact that their wheel fell off halfway there.

As the Northern military ran down the hill towards the three Southern troops, they were left with no choice but to retreat towards Oil City. The third military member for the Venango States of America just got done with his homework and was able to grab his spitball launcher to meet the Southern troops by the Warehouse Mall at the edge of town. With defenses standing between them and Oil City, and two Union soldiers hyperventilating down Seneca Hill, Southern forces were forced to retreat down Route 62 towards Strawberry Delight, where they successfully made their escape back to Seneca.

In a press briefing this morning, Mayor Blunders addressed the community, stating that the war between the townships is an essential part in enforcing the library tax, in hopes that all books will become free. Locals standing by, listening to his speech, cheered with excitement, despite the fact that they've probably never been in a library in their life. Chants rang out, V-S-A, V-S-A, to commemorate the Venango States of America, which was founded roughly seven months ago, under Mayor Blunders' new term.

Mayor Blunders has thanked the Venango County military for their brave efforts to face Southern artillery in hopes of preserving the Union of the Venango States of America. We're a little bit confused by Mayor Blunders last thank you to the troops considering that the Southern Army didn't fire one shot during that engagement.