New Images Surface, Revealing What Caused the Ice to Break
It was tasked with the responsibility of protecting the Allegheny from potential flooding. A simple float in the water, joined by several other floats, to do what man in his mortal body is not capable of doing, to withstand frigid temperatures and cold water, to fight back the forces of cold-hearted evil.
"I am shocked by what I see," states Elsa Nacho, a local Wiccan who specializes in the winter solstice. "I work my hardest to make sure that the ice stays firm throughout the winter so that it naturally breaks off in a manner that is safe and secure. I cannot guarantee that the ice will hold the way it's supposed to, which is why we need those floats in place."
The float that surfaced is named Bob, because that pun makes sense. More than a week ago, he went missing, leaving many to believe that he was swept away by the overwhelming ice proportions. Locals thought about searching for Bob, believing that he could surface above the water and return with their aid. All of a sudden, he appeared out of nowhere, resting on the ice, as if he's befriended the evil substance.
Word has reached residents of townships all across the western Pennsylvania region. All are enraged to learn that the ice-breaking catastrophe was likely caused by one float that decided not to stick to his task.
"He was made for a purpose," states Jack Frost of Erie, Pennsylvania. "I'm technically Canadian, but I know for a fact that he signed up for a lifelong responsibility. Since he's inanimate, that lifetime means eternity. He's a deserter by trade."
No public defender has agreed to take the defense of this flotation device but one Jake Horking Kake, who currently has the worst record of anyone in the region. According to Horking Kake, laziness "is justified when one prefers to just go with the flow." This is a very odd statement coming from one who has never floated in his life.
Police are hoping to take the flotation device into custody as soon as they can figure out how not to fall through the ice. If nabbed before the ice breaks again, the flotation device will be held accountable for the floods that devastated a few basements along the riverbank.
"I would say we should sail him up the river," states one prosecutor. "Unfortunately, I think that's exactly what he wanted, and we can't give him that satisfaction."
Experts believe he won't get that satisfaction because he is inanimate, and inanimate objects cannot be satisfied.... Get your mind out of the gutter!
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