Millcreek Says They Will Discharge Pistol on Erie by 3 PM
Erie may be in a state of emergency in the next 24 hours if demands are not met to appease Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek. Moments ago, Wastecash demanded an apology from Erie for asserting that the Millcreek Mall is "a giant gun erected to assert dominance over the residents of Erie." If an apology is not given, Wastecash says he will fire the Mall's artillery at the neighboring city to demonstrate why his status deserves such respect.
Mayor Paranoia of Erie has not come out from beneath his covers. Sources say that despite several attempts to coax him, the mattress is too heavily fortified with high-quality fabric capable of deterring fictional ghosts. At least we know he'll be safe during the attack.
Now, the people of Erie have no direction on what to do. Should the weapon fire upon the city, officials state they have no idea which defense system they should use to knock the projectiles out of the air.
"We have anti-diaper defense systems built after observing Warren County's attempt to cover Venango County in baby feces," states the Director of the Erie Department of Defense. "We also have an anti-condom defense system after observing Indiana County attack Westmoreland."
The Venango Republic stopped the interview right there in order to meet family friendly guidelines.
Despite vast options for air defense weaponry, Erie has no familiarity with the projectiles designed for the Millcreek Mall artillery system. The only clue obtained by Erie intelligence is the name of one Victoria who is in charge of a store called Victoria's Secret. Informants have suggested that she is in charge of the trigger that fires the gun, which discharges from mental prompts sending signals through a gutter she wears on her head.
"She essentially has to keep her mind in the gutter," Erie's Department of Defense Director told us. "We just don't know what coded messages she sends to the computerized system to launch the projectiles. It's likely similar to what they use at Indiana University."
We stopped the interview a second time to maintainthe dignityof a family friendly medium. Google Indiana Pennsylvania if you are confused.
There is only one potential clue as to what Victoria is keeping secret behind the walls of Millcreek's Mall. Military intelligence says they were able to find a fragment of Victoria's clothes at a local Goodwill, which hints to what she may be planning to fire on the city.
Once again, we forgot why we kept ending the interviews with the Director of Erie's Department of Defense. While engaging him for a third time, he showed us the fragment. Unfortunately, we cannot disclose what we observed for the sake of keeping our platform appropriate for people of all ages. What we can do is show our viewers a picture of what was observed during our meeting with the director. The image has been blurred for your safety. Viewer discretion is advised.
If this is in fact what Millcreek intends on launching toward the wholesomely pure city of Erie, military leaders have no choice but to buckle down. The fragment shown to us was so polluted, it had to be handled with six pairs of rubber gloves on hands later bathed in lava.
If just one of those gets through the Erie air defense system, it could mean moral impurity for the religious capital of the world. Erie will no longer be able to call itself the "City of Incorruptible Virgins." There will be none left. The city currently known for having no experience in such distasteful practice will forever lose that innocence.
Military leaders are warning residents to be prepared to seek shelter in the case of incoming s**y l**gerie. We are sorry for not censoring those terms more. But people need to get a sense of what may be coming their way. Be prepared to seek shelter and cover your eyes!
Comments