Mayor Blunders Honors the Venango County Military for Their Less than Year of No Service

Venango County has only identified as an independent nation for seven months now. Back in March, when the mayor declared this 10-by-10-mile county the Venango States of America, many were uncertain as to how the mayor planned to defend our land against outside forces. This is where the mayor took action to form the Venango County Military — a force of two and a half men who drop to two when the boy is past his curfew.

So far, these men have not seen any action in the field of battle. With the county budget 20 dollars below zero, Mayor Blunders can only afford to have them in uniform for thirty minutes a day. Fortunately, they have been willing to work with Blunders to extend their shifts on the condition he feeds them part of his lunch.

Today marked a special occasion. The troops were rewarded with the Venango County Medal of Honor for their "courage in going into battle without fear." So far, the most service they have provided is emptying the outhouse every time Oil City needs a town hall meeting.

Mayor Blunders expressed his gratitude for the men who "have given their lives for this great nation," and for the men standing before him who "carry on the legacy of a line that dates back hundreds of years..." Leave it to Mayor Blunders to stretch the truth.

The men were presented their medals, which literally were those cheap plastic police badges you buy in the kids’ toy aisle at the Dollar Tree. Still, they stood proudly with what energy their malnourished bodies had left. The ceremony concluded with Mayor Blunders declaring war on Slovakia. Don’t ask us.