Marienville Police Respond to Noise Complaint Causing Ears to Bleed

Police responded to several noise complaints early this afternoon which locals described as what sounded like "a man wiping his shoes on a welcome mat." Officers arrived at 241 Lonely Street to discover an elderly man trying to make his dentures fit. 83 year old, Dennis Diealone, was warned to stop breaking city ordinances with his obnoxiously loud behavior.

This is not the first instance of a noise complaint this month. Last week, officials responded to a man opening his front door. The creeking was so loud, people could hear it. The man was warned to oil his hinges or pay a fine with potential jail time.

"We try very hard to keep our tiny town quiet and peaceful" says Bernard Whisper "We have a hard enough time with those kids running from Abraxas and stealing our cars. Our town residents need to set the example."

No charges will be filed against Mr. Diealone. However, he is being sued by locals who have potentially bursted their ear drums.