Man Successfully Finds Keys After Returning to Scrappy Joe's

A local man has successfully found his keys after returning to Scrappy Joe's. According to sources, Mr. Phlegm Cough feared he dropped his keys down a drain when walking in downtown Oil City but decided to check at Scrappy Joe's thanks to the suggestion of his friend. The two spent hours searching in the dark but were able to determine their whereabouts.

"I knew they had to be somewhere between an underground drain and Scrappy Joe's," states Mr. Phlegm. "I just couldn't decide whether to choose between discarded weather or discarded items."

(Note: If you meant “leather” or “whether,” let me know — “weather” is a real word, so I did not change it.)

The search was a messy situation to say the least, with both parties recklessly breaking into things.

"We had to ensure all possibilities," says Mr. Phlegm. "You never know if the keys could have accidentally been picked up and dropped into a safe, cash register, or gun case. We even broke the glass to ensure we weren't missing anything."

One might say the two were like a bull in a china shop. Unfortunately, Scrappy Joe's doesn't have expensive china, and the two men are more comparable to dumb donkeys. Mainly because they eventually discovered the keys were still in his ignition.

"The search was a complete waste of time," Mr. Phlegm states. "It was so cold that we had to wear ski masks. We searched that entire place on our knees just to find out that the keys were in my car. I feel so stupid now!"

Don't feel bad Mr. Phlegm. At least you got to be in the paper!