Loomis Bar To Feature Guilt Trip Juke Box To Help Prevent Racism
Clarion Township is relieved to learn that the Loomis Bar is returning under new ownership. The best part being that those taking over are going to crazy measures ensuring that nothing insensitive ever happens again.
The main feature of the bar will be emotional support bouncers who will be there to comfort anyone traumatized by insensitive retoric. Rather than the bouncers being big muscular men capable of thowing your average Clarion University student out the window, the bar has decided to hire doctorate level psychiatrists with a minor in philosophy. This way unwanted dirtbags using politically incorrect slangs can be rationally thrown out without physical agression.
Another feature to the bar will be a juke box with an AI capable of guilt tripping anyone for choosing too much of that "white trash." The juke box will have a camera with facial recognition technology. If the same white person repetitiously chooses "white songs" without at least putting three "black songs" in the cue, that white person will be sucked into the jukebox with a giant vacuum and thrown out of town like the doofis from Loomis. If a black person chooses any "white song" the machine will automatically assume something is wrong with him because stereotyping is what we white people do best.
The bar will also add a catholic confession window to the bathroom stalls for anyone who is even remotely racist. This way guilty parties can successfully relieve their souls as they relieve themselves.
"We are not even beginning to scratch the surface of our antiracist defense systems" says Sage Moonblood, new owner of the Loomis Bar "we want the best technology in place to prevent any such event from happening again."
The list is pretty long and we do not have time to cover all of it. Here is a bullet point list of the most important features to watch out for....
Diversity Dunk Tank where all white people must be drowned to death before entering
Tasers that shoot from the floor shocking all white people to death when one white person makes insensitive statements about black people
Tasers that shoot from the floor shocking all white people to death when one black person makes insensitive statements about white people
Poisoned darts firing from the dart board when a white person tries to hum white music (Be diverse and pick some black songs you racist!)
Poisoned darts firing from the dart board when a white person tries to hum black music (They have exclusive rights to that music.... You should not be humming their music you freaking racist!)
Hair shaving technology that attacks any white person trying to pull off dreadlocks, afros, or flat tops
Toilet paper embeded with razor sharp blades to unexpectedly cut anyone it detects as racist.... or white.....
Trap doors that drops people into a dungeon where they will be isolated forever when they are detected as racist...... or white......
When asked if these measures were too extreme, Mr. Moonhood said "we have been racist for decades.... It's time to reverse the trauma......" It is unclear if Mr. Moonhead understands what antiracism is actually all about.... Nonetheless, we have the Loomis back meaning that the boneless chicken wings have returned!
The bar is set to open as soon as all the new features are put into place. Until then, all racists must attend the other bars in town.
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