Local Saint Drives Slow to Protect Nobody

Empty roads are rejoicing after learning about a man who intentionally drives slow to save nobody. The anonymous man surfaced from his batcave Wednesday night around 10:30 PM and didn't waste time hitting the brakes with his featherweight foot.

We reached out to this driver for a quote. Unfortunately, he ran out of gas and is stuck somewhere between Clarion and Shippenville. Note: he topped off his tank in Clarion.

Because we believe in giving locals a voice when an article cites them, we are not going to let this circumstance keep this man from speaking his mind. Here is a quote we decided to put in the driver’s mouth:

"The definition of a speed limit means you are limited to that speed," states Foothold Back, a local slowpoke who holds his foot back when driving on 322. "When I see a sign that says the speed limit is 50, I am happy because it gives me 50 different speeds to choose from." Congratulations, slowpoke. You had 50 options and chose one to ruin everyone's day.

Other slow drivers cite Foothold as an inspiration. One guy we made up for the sake of this article states, "It can be hard having disgruntled drivers honking their horns when we slow them down. We can't seem to understand why they are honking because we're brain dead. Nonetheless, we keep driving slow because it makes sense to keep angering people who are operating a three-thousand-pound object behind us." Brilliant! Keep people safe by making drivers’ attitudes unsafe.

As for Route 322, people with common sense are still asking who these slowpokes think they are saving. On a stretch of road that literally nobody walks on for miles, the only logical explanation is the deer. This makes sense and seems to be working, since the deer themselves walk faster than the people slowing down traffic. Unfortunately, these drivers are facing some backlash from the Amish, who say their buggies are forced to go half the speed they usually reach.

PennDOT has not commented on the situation. During the summer, they are used to slowing down traffic on 322 for roadwork that doesn't seem necessary. They spend so much time on 322 it has become their storage space. Consequently, people are growing upset and pressuring PennDOT to address the drivers who are slowing down traffic. Even the potholes have filed complaints about their inability to grow because of cars that won't move.

At this rate, people may be losing their jobs, but at least the township can save money on speed bumps. Who cares if they weren't planning on buying any? It's the thought that counts. The only issue to resolve now is helping the slow drivers learn a lesson from PennDOT. I mean, at least when PennDOT slows down traffic, they pretend to have a reason.