Local fisherman Discovers Oil Spill in the Allegheny River

An oil spill has reportedly flooded the Allegheny River at the edge of Oil City. According to sources, a fisherman discovered the catastrophe after successfully pulling a fish out of the river and finding a drop of WD-40 on its scales. Officials are warning that the river may be polluted as a result.

Further investigation verified the oil spill took place down stream from where the man was fishing. The discovery of a discarded WD-40 can has police seeking more evidence. Authorities state that they are assessing the can for fingerprints. The discovery could be enough to put the suspected person in jail, with fines amounting to as high as $10.

Local environmentalists are devastated to learn that the oil spill leaked into the Allegheny River. Many environmental enthusiasts state that they fear the spill will cause any loose straws to magically wind up in the nostrils of sea turtles swimming down the river. Consequently, Mayor Blunders has announced that he will be authorizing a citywide ban on straws, despite the fact that the Allegheny doesn’t have any sea turtles in it.

An evacuation plan has been set in place in case another drop of oil is accidentally spilled into the Allegheny. Mayor Blunder states that it is only necessary to ensure the safety of the people of Oil City in case the river catches fire. This disaster, no matter how unlikely, is one Mayor Blunder is adamant he must prevent at all costs — even if it means the death of innocent fish.