Jammal Fart Forced to Announce Retirement After Cranberry Mall Closure
After 40 years of serving as the most dedicated mall cop in the history of Venango's proud relic, Jammal Fart is announcing retirement by force of those who fictionally own the building.
The news came to Jammal early Wednesday morning as he was waking up from his nap in the Cranberry Mall bathroom. Fart was already dressed for work because he's worn the same uniform for the last 40 years. When exiting the stall, he was surprised to find the mall manager looking at him with what has been described as the look of someone gazing at you.
Fart has absolutely no social life. Neither the skill of creating his own analogies. When confronted by the manager, he knew a conversation was about to take place when the manager's mouth began to open.
It was at this moment, Fart was handed a letter informing him of something that only skilled readers could decipher. Fart also never learned how to read.
Fart states that he was then led through the main walkway, where a series of barriers caught him by surprise. The barriers were barely wide enough for Fart to fit through. Nonetheless, after two hours of pressing on, Fart was able to escape the back exit.
This is the first time in 40 years that Fart has seen the light of day. Fart was there in the beginning when the Cranberry Mall was a bustling mess with crowds that trampled his youthful body daily. Now, as the mall remains vacant with only three stores left, Venango's most dedicated mall cop must now find a new job opportunity because the mall didn't pay enough for him to save for retirement.
Fortunately, the mall was gracious enough not to send Fart away without a means of transportation. The dolly that Fart donated to the mall several years ago when he thought he was purchasing a low-budget Segway was returned to it's owner, who technically had it the whole time.
Fart said his final goodbyes to the Cranberry Mall at 11:03 this morning. Witnesses say that he stood with his back to the door, staring at the pavement in disappointment before mustering up the strength to look at what was in front of him: a parking lot filled with semis.
In this very moment, Fart took a deep breath, grabbed ahold of his dolly, planted both feet on the foundation of his motorless vehicle, and rode off into the pavement in front of him.
This is the one case of a person being tripped by something other than a pothole in the Cranberry Mall parking lot. Thankfully, ChatGPT didn't change his ethnicity this time.
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