How Does the County Post Office Make it's Money

Venango County's post office celebrated 250 years of existence today with Explore Venango citing the accomplishment in a recent article. The concept of offering praise to a mandatory government service sounded so ridiculous, we were ready to have our next article make fun of the fact that a business losing billions yearly exists because of governmental support.

It's probably a good thing we mocked the idea in the comment section of the Explore Venango article first, because we learned from one of the staff members that this is not the case.

A staff member, who we will refer to as Mr. Male Man, responded to our sarcastic jab stating that the post office does not receive governmental funding, but depends entirely on their sales. A simple Google search confirmed this has been true since the 70s, leading us to ask: how the hell are they still around?

Not only is the United States Postal Service losing billions yearly, Venango County's is..... well..... in Venango County. This suggests that they should be losing eight times as much as the other post offices around the country. They at least shouldn't be able to afford a building. How is this possible?

To get to the bottom of this, our lead journalist Jeremy Jetfuel contacted the county's richest citizens to see who might be supplementing the local post office. His findings were astounding.

The first place Jetfuel investigated was Venango County's highest grossing industry. Not only was Jetfuel able to schedule an interview with the top drug lord in Oil City, but he also got a personal invitation to the headquarters underneath Veterans Bridge.

According to the drug lord, no donations have been given to the United States Postal Service. Instead, if the drug suppliers want to offer anything to the government, they usually just give money straight to their favorite politician.

With the drug lords insisting they have nothing to do with the success of the United States Postal Service, Jetfuel was forced to check with Venango County's second leading source of cash inflow.

A trip down to the Department of Human Services put Jetfuel in touch with the director of welfare. According to Miss Fares Wellnut, the welfare industry also makes no donations to the USPS. This discovery left Jetfuel stunned.

With the two only sources of cash inflow for the county stating that they make no donations to the local post office, the Venango Republic is at a loss. How can a service that claims not to be using government funding still be existing in a county that has nothing to sustain it?

Your guess is as good as ours how the post office in Venango County still exists. No donors, no money, no logic—but somehow it’s still delivering. At this point, we’re just mailing in our disbelief with a forever stamp.