Health Club for Horse Racing Vegans Taking Applications: Only Women for Some Reason....

ERIE, PA - There's no food, no workout equipment, and no group gathering to constitute calling it a club. What's even weirder is that the health expert who greets you at the window looks incredibly unhealthy. We aren't just talking out-of-shape unhealthy. We mean illegal-version-of-crushed-Smarties unhealthy. Somebody either has the most depressing life you can imagine, or they are consuming something that creates that outward impression.

No wonder applications are being accepted. How can you sell the word “health” when the faces of your brand look drained of life's joys? This is exactly why The Biggest Loser switched hosts before it was politically incorrect to fat-shame. The "club" has lost credibility. Even the outside structure looks like it was erected in Newcastle (a town north of Pittsburgh where this house would fit in perfectly). No horse jockey seeking a healthy alternative to burpees would ever come here.

You can apply today and help this business suddenly gain credibility. We can't promise they don't have sketchy expectations behind those closed doors. I mean, despite us knowing exactly what's going on, this is a family-friendly platform. We have to pretend this rotting structure is just serving vegetables.

Apply today and help those horse riders maintain a 90-pound average. Afraid of only seeing customers taller than the average horse jockey? Then use the likely company policy and just screw them!

Disclaimer: Our use of the term "screw them" is intended to mean "turn them away." The Venango Republic does not endorse any illegal activity that may stem from the phrase "screw them" in relation to the sketchy building being discussed. The Venango Republic is not responsible for any misinterpretation made by anyone too stupid to read a disclaimer.

So... yeah... don't work there for obvious reasons. Just get your vegetables from a weekly farmers market and reduce the risk of sty's... That's our cleaned-up version of another similar combination of letters describing what you get in sketchy unhealthy looking buildings.