Franklin Opens Sinkhole, Mall Takes Offense

The Cranberry Mall prides itself on neglecting the condition of its parking lot. Not only do an average of 70 cars go missing yearly thanks to its potholes, but the location also serves as a sanctuary with the hope that the potholes will deter potential invaders. Unfortunately, in the event of an invasion, we likely won’t get past the potholes ourselves—making it a pretty useless plan.

Monday marked a surprise change in status for the Mall’s claim to having the deepest potholes when a sinkhole opened up on Franklin Avenue in... Franklin. What an original name for a street...

The sinkhole was so deep, it instantly went viral—with 19 shares across Venango County. Some believe this was nature taking its course. But the board of directors for the Cranberry Mall Parking Lot Negligence Society (CMPLNS) believe the sinkhole was intentional.

“They obviously wanted to steal our record for Venango’s deepest hole in pavement,” stated Willis Momletumdig, director of parking lot negligence for the Cranberry Mall.

Franklin has not commented on the allegations being made by the board at CMPLNS. Oddly enough, there was some dude taking measurements of the potholes at the Mall just a week before the event. The man matching his description denied his own existence, leading us to conclude it never actually happened.

With no proof of intentional sabotage, Franklin officials have gone about their normal routine as if nothing happened—only occasionally posting selfies with their pothole record trophy.

As for the Mall, they say they plan to continue neglecting their parking lot with the hope of one day achieving depths like the Franklin sinkhole. A plan is in place to sabotage the Franklin sinkhole using explosives. This will probably just increase the depths of Franklin's sinkhole, but poor planning is what the Mall does best!