Ex Edinboro Employee Steals Funds Because Asking Hurt Her Throat

A former General McLane employee is facing potential charges and a potential jail sentence because she was unable to form her own sentence. According to sources, a woman who we will refer to as Iteach Butdontspeak decided it was okay to take money from the teachers’ Sunshine Fund without verbalizing what we can only assume to be a personal need. This may be due the massive strain caused by phrases like "can I have some money?"

The school will not be shut down as a result of this incident. This is primarily because schools are funded by the state and not the money that teachers use to support each other... Duh!

Nevertheless, teachers are now forced to take drastic measures to ensure that trust will be built once again for the remainder of the school year.

After an $18,000 loss resulting from nobody monitoring the account, all requests for funds must now come with a 15-page essay to be recited before the school board, followed by a moment of awkward silence.

As an extra measure of security, the school will also designate one skeptical teacher who struggles to trust everyone. This teacher will watch over the account to ensure the funds are monitored closely. While having this type of individual involved was probably what resulted in the thefts initially, the school will still take this measure because it’s absurd enough for the satire we’re trying to create.

As for the ex employee who committed the theft, charges are filed which happened faster than General McLane can observe a cash withdrawal. Local officials have recommended that the school remind staff that if they are struggling financially, there are acceptable options such as speaking up. Additionally, the school has been encouraged to rename their account to something more appropriate, such as "Ask for Help, A Radical New Concept" or "This Is Not Your Money."