Erie Allies Begin Strikes on Millcreek Mall; Walls Prove Impenetrable

Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have officially arrived in Millcreek with orders to take out the giant Mall Gun pointed at Erie's capital of Erie.

The two soldiers are armed with state-of-the-art muffin hand grenades along with the most expensive spitball launchers Venango County can afford. President Mayor Blunders of Oil City has ordered the destruction of the Mall Gun with the hope of strengthening intercountial relations.

It has been over an hour, and the muffins are proving to be useless against the cinderblocks protecting the Mall. Currently, there are no casualties to report, but the two are in danger the longer they stay. A nearby sign instructing bystanders not to loiter may ruin this entire operation if they can't destroy the Mall before an officer arrives.

What you are seeing is happening as we speak...

This just in: an off-duty Mall cop has arrived at the scene, forcing Laurel and Hardy to retreat back to Peach Street. We will return to the battle on the second wave.

We are learning now that President Mayor Blunders is moments away from announcing his next steps before the press. We now take you live to the capital of Venango County in Oil City.

"Good evening. Today marks our official invasion of Millcreek, where, in an attempt to strengthen relations with the neighboring nation, our troops have put forth their best efforts in destroying the shopping complex in Kearsarge, known as the Millcreek Mall.

I regret to inform you all that the Mall proves indestructible at this time, with the first wave resulting in a complete failure. Our military experts have studied our strategies closely, linking this necessary retreat to a nearby 'No Loitering' sign. In response, I have ordered our men to focus fire on that sign during the next wave."

You have just heard President Mayor Blunders of Oil City announce from Venango's capital his plan of action. We will keep you up to date when attacks begin on the "No Loitering" sign.

This report was made possible by Lead Utensils. They will never rust in your lifetime.