East Crawford Vowing to Take Forest County: Mayor Blunders Responds

The two major superpowers of northwestern Pennsylvania’s poorest counties have been struggling to maintain peace for the last several years. Unfortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has been pushing hard to reform the Crawviet Union ever since discovering that Tionesta doesn’t have a military. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has warned Dumbdumb that any attempt to invade the neighboring county will spark inter-county backlash. Sadly, no other counties have offered support—mostly because they recognize the conflict is ridiculous.

In a show of solidarity with Forest County, Mayor Blunders has reached out to Butler, Clarion, West Crawford, and basically every other county in this half of the state, proposing the formation of an alliance he calls CATO (County Atlantic Treaty Organization). So far, the only official endorsement is a signature from a 9-year-old who claims to be the president of Clintonville.

The rejection has been difficult for Mayor Blunders, who insists he is committed to keeping western Pennsylvania free of Dumbdumb’s rule. But with a military composed of less than three soldiers and a stockpile of spitball guns, Venango can offer Forest County little real support if another invasion occurs.

In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders revealed his plan to pressure other counties into cooperation through sanctions. “Our political leaders are still studying the word sanction to know what exactly it means,” said Blunders. “Once we figure it out, we’ll be imposing them on Clarion and Butler.”

Clarion has not responded to Blunders’ threat. Most assume it’s because Clarion understands what sanctions are and knows they don’t apply between counties.

Butler, meanwhile, has brushed off the idea completely. Mayor Houseservant of Butler stated he has been dealing with Mayor Blunders for years and doesn’t see how it could possibly get worse.

With neighboring counties showing little interest in supporting Venango and Forest, the outcome of this regional standoff remains uncertain. Then again, we’re talking about East Crawford and Venango—so realistically, both are doomed to fail.