East Crawford Raises 300 Troops in Spartansburg, Hoping to Turn the Tide of County War 1

Mayor Dumdum of Titusville, President of East Crawford County, is showing desperation to turn the tide of County War One. After a nearly successful attempt to gain control of the northern portion of Venango County, Dumdum announced that he is raising a military out of Spartansburg, consisting of 300 men.

Although this number seems oddly high for a community that appears to have only five residents, Dumdum has signed an order requiring all able-bodied men to report to the nearby armory, where they will be given a spear and leather underpants.

Leading the Spartansburg military is one named Leo, surname Nitus, a brilliant general with ancestry dating back to Grecian immigrants. Leo has served in the Spartansburg military since he was a boy and is confident that his military of 300 gaily enthusiastic soldiers can successfully take over the entirety of Venango County.

While interviewing Leo, whose surname is Nitus, we were invited to walk alongside their local pit of death. Leo proudly showed us the pile of bodies that he has personally kicked down the ravine every time he gets angry. Unfortunately, confusion set in when he realized our reporters were not impressed. This is because the Spartansburg pit of death has less than half the number of bodies lying inside the Venango County pit of death. Upon hearing this, Leo threw a fit and tried to kick one of our reporters inside.

He completely missed his target and fell into the pit himself. Now, the Spartansburg Pit of Death has exactly half the bodies that are in the Venango County Pit of Death.

With the Spartansburg military now down to 299 shirtless fighters, Mayor Dumdum of Titusville states that he is ready to launch an assault on the Route 8 border. Should he launch this attack today, Venango will only have two military men to defend against the onslaught.

Our current border security is headed by Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military. They are armed with spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades. The security of Venango County rests in their hands. Once again, we surely are screwed.