Diaper Barrage Devastates City of Erie: Bicentennial Tower Struck
Diaper air defense systems held back more than 80% of the incoming projectiles launched Friday afternoon. By order of the Millcreek Mayor, General Victoria fired the Millcreek Mall artillery system, discharging a merciless continuum of adult Depends she has collected over the last three decades.
Erie officials expected to be hit with female underwear featuring provocative designs from Victoria's Secret. Instead, they learned that Victoria now wears adult diapers due to her aging body. Defense systems took several minutes to shift from underwear to diapers. In that time, more than 20 buildings were struck by a barrage that nearly leveled the city's dignity.
Among the structures hit is the Bicentennial Tower overlooking Presque Isle Bay. Originally designed as a tourist outlook, the tower has served the Erie Department of Defense in observing patterns of their neighboring rival, Millcreek.
"The tower was obviously hit because of its strategic advantage," states the Erie Department of Defense Director, Perry Pumpkin. "They claim to be a town devoted to Millcreek, yet they get Presque Isle. It's just not fair!"
The tower has not been deemed a complete loss. However, work must be done before it is considered structurally sound.
It is now structurally sound.
Other buildings in the downtown region were left in shambles. One such location is the old Continental Rubber Works Factory. It was struck four times. Fortunately, its rubber works defense system redirected the incoming diapers to a nearby dumpster. That dumpster was also owned by Rubber Works. The diapers bounced off the dumpster and landed in the street, which was not owned by the Rubber Works Factory.
Quin-T Corps Industrial Paper Factory likely took the hardest hit out of all locations.
We're kidding. It already looked like that.
Other more populated areas may also be impacted permanently. The hotspots on State Street are completely covered in poop. Experts say that the territory may not be approachable for decades.
In response to the crisis, several nations have pledged support to the city of Erie. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America dipped into Venango County savings and is sending a whole three pennies.
Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, is sending a box of nuts and bolts made of quality steel. We're sure Erie will find a use for them.
Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County announced that he will be sending more than a billion logs to help any beavers who lost their homes in the crisis.
Finally, Mayor Servanthood of Butler County says that he will be sending his country's finest linens.
Mayor Paranoia of Erie has still not come out from beneath his mattress covers. The city of Erie is left to decide what countermeasures they want to make in this battle for survival. Diapers are not common in the city of Erie, meaning that the Department of Defense may have to resort to other projectiles more familiar to the region.
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