Cursive Mandate Hits Western PA; Counties Scramble to Remember What an “S” Looks Like
The recent mandate brought on by the state of Pennsylvania has several counties in west side devastated as they struggle to remember what handwriting even looks like. According to experts, handwriting has been a thing of the past ever since people moved on from paper.
A sign of the struggle was revealed in a recent survey where members of major cities expressed their frustration over too much exposure to printed editions. One man managed to read an entire page of a magazine, which resulted in him swiping upward. Another man barely made it past the first sentence and immediately experienced major brain damage because he wasn’t holding his phone.
With the exposure to print revealing how far gone western Pennsylvania is, people are wondering how on earth they will transition to the ancient concept of handwriting. Basic letters that we learned as children are foreign to the modern generation. Adults in their 20s can barely remember how to draw a simple A, let alone create the number 1.
We here at the Venango Republic are self-declared experts in the realm of formulating written communication. For this reason, we have taken it upon ourselves to rate which counties will struggle the most and which ones will become the most successful in transitioning to academics that were abandoned generations ago.
From the high, sophisticated lifestyles of Allegheny and Erie to the lowlifes of Jefferson and McKean, here are the Western Pennsylvania counties ranked from best to worst as it pertains to the transition to cursive writing.
Allegheny
Although people in this region think “yin" is a word, they are one of the few on this list that knows a world exists outside of Pennsylvania, let alone the western side of the state. This knowledge comes to them as a result of having professional sports teams that travel the country. Otherwise, they too would think Pennsylvania makes up the entire planet. Their advanced knowledge is advantageous to them in the challenge of learning cursive again.
Erie
The only thing Erie has to place them this high on the list is a county that borders Ohio, New York, and a great lake that makes it on world maps. This county is so sloppy, they became famous for a pizza that exploded. Their only hope for learning cursive is their knowledge that help exists outside of western Pennsylvania.
Westmoreland
We've never heard of this county. We just put it here because we have to include everyone on the west side of the state. They made it here for having a higher population. Congratulations on your population trophy!
West Crawford
Famous for being known only by everyone in West Crawford, West Crawford makes the list for having a Smuckers factory that produces Meow Mix. If not for their exports of this famous brand, they would not have money to invest in any education. This is their only hope for learning cursive.
Beaver
Beaver County arguably could be number one on the list if it wasn't for Pittsburgh having the Steelers. This county has the resources to produce their own paper thanks to their residents having extra sharp teeth. Despite living in the water most of their lives, the residents of Beaver County sometimes exit their dams and open up books they personally write themselves. They of course have to dry their fur before touching the paper, but they are very patient creatures.
Washington
Washington also could be a close second if it wasn't for the fact they mean nothing to the people in D.C. That's right Washington. Despite having a presidential name that relates to a time when cursive was the standard, you are no capital to the United States. For this reason, you are number 6.
Cambria
What the heck is a Cambria? We'll give you the 7 spot because making up fake words means you have the skill to learn fake letters.
Blair
Altoona, capital of Blair County, is known as the place that everyone outside knows of for some reason. In fact, every county in Pennsylvania has residents who have had some conversation with a person who went to Altoona despite the fact they have nothing worthwhile. They make the list for being a household name for no good reason.
Indiana
Indianapolis, capital of Indiana County, is famous for not existing. This is primarily because the city of Indianapolis is actually in the state of Indiana. Indiana County makes our list of hopeful cursive experts because they have a University. The only reason they aren't higher on the list is because all their students are partying at Wolfies instead of doing their homework. Look up Wolfies if you are confused.
Armstrong
We believe this county has potential with cursive because they have the arm strength to handle a pen. The only question remaining is if they have the brain power…. Probably not….
Mercer
You have colleges, and you're not a party town like Indiana…. Why did we put you lower on the list?????
Clearfield
This county may find it difficult to hold a pen given that their fields are invisible. Think about it! You spend your entire existence observing molten lava 4 thousand miles beneath you, and now you're expected to cope well enough to write with a pen? These people are way too anxious with the thought of the Clearfield not actually being there!
Lawrence
We haven't heard of you either.
Warren
Eh…. You have oil…. At least you can make your own ink….
Clarion
Another University. The difference is, yours is failing. You have about 2 years to learn cursive before your town has no young people to teach it to.
Butler
Your county is so doped up on illegal substances, I'd be surprised if you could handle a pen. But hey, you have that government agency beneath Iron Mountain employing half this side of the state…. Maybe you have potential….
Somerset
You misspelled summer. That's why you are number 17.
Forest
You have all the trees needed to make your own paper but you never use it. That is why you fail!
Venango
This county makes number 19 on the list because they think nothing exists past the border of Clarion. Our platform has slowly tried to ease them into understanding the vastness of Western Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, they think we are mocking their intelligence with this truth. We technically are, but that's not the point.
McKean
Who the heck put this county in Pennsylvania?
Jefferson
There is no hope for you! Once a year, you worship a pest that you don't even permit to see it's own shadow. Your finely dressed groundhog fanatics shove a scroll in the animals face, pretend the animal has a choice, and decide for yourselves how long you want winter to last. All this because you're too lazy to bend over and place him in the lawn.
Elk
If you spent more time reading and less time shooting nature, you might learn how to write. These people can't hold a book because they have so much blood on their hands.
Greene
I've seen your cities. You have no green. Just a couple of pennies in a parking meter your officers lost the combination for.
Fayette
What the heck is a Fayette? At least Cambria tried to make up a word that would be pronounced. You make 24. There is no hope for you to learn cursive.
East Crawford
Look up Titusville. That should tell you everything.
Bedford
If Antarctica were a wasteland, you would be it.
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