Cranberry Mall Declared an Official Retirement Home for Businesses

The Capitol Building of Cranberry Township, also known as the Cranberry Mall, has officially declared itself a retirement home for local businesses that want to soon pass away. According to reports that are not verified to be trustworthy, the recent trend of businesses opening up inside the mall and dying soon after makes its location appropriate for people who want their business to fail.

"I am so grateful local businesses that envision no success for themselves have a place where they can ensure that possibility," states one woman who doesn't understand economics. "So many times people open up businesses and see instant success and aren't able to close down right away. The mall is certainly an ideal spot for such business owners to start out."

Renovations are expected to begin as soon as someone who cares about the building is stupid enough to invest in it. Until then, businesses will have to retire with leaky roofs pouring water on their heads.

With the new business model ready to take off, festivities have been delayed. The ribbon-cutting ceremony was set to take place this Saturday, but it's been postponed because the ribbon store shut down last week.

Until the grand opening takes place, businesses are still being welcomed into the facility for the purpose of opening up and immediately closing. The Mall hopes that with this continuous trend, it will help encourage other business owners who want to fail to see their potential at the Cranberry Mall.