Cranberry Mall Cop Credits Low Crime Rate to 40 Years of Service
Jamal Fart has served in the Cranberry Mall for nearly 40 years. In that time, he has been responsible for ensuring that all merchandise is paid for prior to exiting the building. Early on as a rookie, he faced many challenges with other cops who held seniority over him. Now, he remains as the only one on staff.
Throughout his tenure, Jamal Fart has made several temporary arrests that gained him recognition on the staff bulletin board. Those detained served sentences of up to one hour prior to the police showing at the mall. Fart's work is one that many might consider taking pride in. For Fart, however, his service to the mall is one that requires a humble mind.
After blushing at our exaggerated compliments, Fart recalled that the last crime he had ever observed was back in 2015, when a woman attempted to steal bubblegum from a vending machine. Fart swooped in and was able to detain the 80-year-old after hittingher with a baton. The insists that the machine ate her quarter without dispensing the gum, but Fart insists she's still recovering from the head injury.
“It's really good to see how much crime has reduced over the last 11 years,” Fart told the press. “I've become so good at recognizing crime that even our customers are afraid to shop here anymore.”
Fart is so confident that crime will remain under control that he spends seven of his eight hours sleeping on the bench outside of Dunham's.
As the Cranberry Mall enters its transitional phase of more and more business owners leaving, Fart says that he will remain dedicated to his duty of keeping crime away from the building. Although he misses detaining shoplifters, Fart knows that is the price one pays for being skilled in his practice.
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