County War 1 Shows Progress in the East, Western Conflict Still in Stalemate

The war of Western Pennsylvania rages on as the armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization fight to take back the lost counties of West Crawford, Clarion, and Jefferson. In the midst of the conflict, military personnel find themselves in different stages of morale as they watch progress fluctuate between advancement and standstill.

The tunnel hogs of Jefferson County, accompanied by Venango County's youngest military member, nine-year-old Timmy, have managed to overthrow major cities in the Clarion and Jefferson County regions. Jefferson County's capital of Punxsutawney has been completely leveled thanks to a new military tactic where soldiers burrow beneath the city in an attempt to cause a giant cave-in.

At least sixteen cities in the southern portion of Jefferson County have been sacrificed for the good of driving Elk County's military from the territory. Clarion County has only lost its capital of Clarion. Nonetheless, the head of the Elk Empire may soon be cut off of the image that Elk County formed when they erased the borders of several nations in the world of Western Pennsylvania.

Western PA normal state on left. Abnormal state on right.

President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America stood before the press today in an attempt to encourage the nation of Venango County to know that the war for Western PA is a righteous cause.

"With every spitball fired upon the enemy, we bring ourselves closer to the goal of uniting the counties once again," Blunders told the press as he stood outside City Hall, which is the city outhouse.

Blunders outside Venango's capital building in Oil City

Meanwhile, on the western front, the armies of Venango County, Mercer County, and West Crawford find themselves in a literal stalemate that has lasted for several weeks. Soldiers for the Elk Empire find that they are an equal match for the wit of Laurel and Hardy, representing the Venango County military, in a game of strategic military combat.

PLATO armies battle Elk in blood thirsty chess match

Over 177 chess matches have been played in the last week, all of which keep ending in a stalemate. Although both armies could technically fire on one another, they've chosen to use the chessboard, hoping to exhaust one another in the Battle of Meadville. We're so sick of covering this.

Thus far, only one casualty has taken place since the armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization invaded the territories outside of Venango County. When the Warren County military greased Route 322, a Mercer soldier accidentally slipped and stuck one of the golf clubs he was carrying in his face. The shock instantly paralyzed him.

With the remaining soldiers fighting valiantly, the question still remains what political leaders will do once the northern regions are reestablished in the order observed prior to the war. The southern counties of Indiana, Westmoreland, Blair, and Clearfield still remain in the power of the Elk Empire. These counties have no treaty with the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, but are still independent nations lacking military forces capable of overthrowing Mayor Bighorn's regime. Should the northern counties engage, it will be the only hope that could have any potential in ending Mayor Bighorn's reign in the Western Pennsylvania world.