Clarion Man Posts Picture of Cannon Aimed Right at Farmers Market

A photo surfaced Saturday morning of a cannon aimed right for the farmers market in downtown Clarion. According to sources we made up for the sake of this article, the photo has not been doctored, raising concerns about the safety issues surrounding the cannon.

"We have been holding the farmers market for several years and that cannon is always pointing directly at us," states Margaret Margherita, a local resident who frequently shops at the market before neglecting her health with too much alcohol.

Residents say this cannon has not moved in decades, which is exactly what one would expect from something that has been planning its revenge on tomato paste… whatever the hell that means.

Due to the nature of the threat, city officials are unsure how to respond to the cannon. Some say that it is a threat, and that moving the market would make it angry. Others say that remaining is exactly why the cannon is pointed at them and that moving is essential to avoid a potential attack.

"The cannon is obviously unhappy with us meeting on that corner," states one city official. "You don't just come home from war in Europe and sit quietly next to a corn booth for the rest of your life. We need to move fast, or our town's only popcorn maker will be blasted away!"

No plan is in place to move the market because politics is a slow, sloooooooooooow, SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW process. For the time being, marketers have been encouraged to place defenses in case the cannon decides to make its move. Until then, sellers will continue growing their pumpkin patches and tomato paste in case they must retaliate.