Clarion County Military Discovered in Emlenton

Days have passed since the conflict between East Crawford and Venango escalated out of proportion. Since yesterday, Clarion County vowed to join the fight to help defend Venango against the treachery of Mayor Dumbdumb's military. As of yesterday, the soldiers who set out on Route 322 have not been heard from. That is, until now....

According to sources, the three military men sent by Mayor Intellect of Clarion County have resurfaced in Emlenton. The troops, who were set to arrive yesterday by 5 p.m., made a wrong turn and accidentally wound up in the wrong town. The troops have since doubled back to their original route, and sources say that they will be arriving in Venango by tonight. In the meantime, Meadville military members are on their own to help defend Venango County against the onslaught brought on by East Crawford's military.

With Titusville being the largest industrial city this side of the state and a rival to oil cities' oilless industry, troops from West Crawford are significantly outgunned by the two military men sent by East Crawford. Experts say that, though they have the highest quality of Meow Mix and Puppy Chow, their forces cannot hope to stand against East Crawford for too long.

The danger facing each militia are the advanced weapons East Crawford has recently developed. These weapons are unfamiliar to all of the counties making up the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO. East Crawford recently invented a new weapon called the snowball, which Venango County scientists have been trying to replicate for the last month. With no success, Venango County is still forced to depend on spitballs, muffin hand grenades, and Nerf guns they bought at a secondhand store.

West Crawford military men arrived in Oil City today at 12 p.m. and are currently acting as reserves on the south side of Veterans Bridge. Early this morning, nine-year-old Timmy from the Venango County military had to abandon his defensive post to attend classes at 7th Street Elementary School. Sources say he will return to his post as soon as school lets out at 3 p.m.

As for the Clarion County military, they still have several obstacles standing in their way, the biggest being the task of remembering to turn right when 322 crosses over 257 in Seneca. If they can remember that one detail, they should arrive in Oil City later this evening to hopefully help drive the East Crawford troops back to Titusville.