Breaking: Venango Declares War On Eastern Crawford

"This is a Venango Republic Breaking News Report... I'm your anchor, Dead Weight...

The Venango County House of Representatives has passed a bill granting Mayor Blunders power to build a nuclear arsenal. This came after soldiers of Eastern Crawford County launched a nuclear missile containing 50 spitballs at the Northside Seneca St Bridge potentially contaminating the said bridge with covid. Blunders states that he will not allow Titusville, capital of Eastern Crawford County, to get away with this mass destruction. Blunders plans to build a nuclear spitball system and increase the Venango County military to 9 men if necessary.

In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders grieved the loss of the Northside Bridge after the unexpected attack. "We are saddened by the loss of all the men who gave their lives defending that bridge. Our hearts go out to their families." The Venango Republic has no idea what the Mayor is talking about. Nobody died and it literally was just 50 spitballs that could be cleaned up with a mop.

Residents are fearful of the vulnerability of their towns. If Titusville were to attack Venango County again, they have 3 potential routes to go by. The image below depicts the geography with blue representing roads Titusville would have to take to attack Venangos biggest cities of Oil City, Cranberry, and Seneca. We chose the color blue because it is a nice color...

Passage into Venango County from the eastern border would put Titusville in direct conflict with the industrial city of Pleasantville. Pleasantville, which is not so pleasant by any means, has a population of 5 weird people and a military of one 70 year old man who doesn'tdo anythingwith his life. If Eastern Crawford were to lay siege to Pleasantville, which would homestly be a favor to Venango County, Forest County could potentially grant them access through their land which would give the army marching from Titusville a route to attack all three major cities.

Mayor Blunders states that if Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville wants a war, we will be ready. Blunders has began building a nuclear arsenal with rockets he purchased from Walmart this morning. Military personnel are working to fill the rockets with spitballs using their own saliva. They will continue doing this pointless task as they wait for further instructions.

As for the city of Cranberry, defenses are being laid for the potential attack on their metropolis. Cranberries capital building, the Cranberry Mall, is fortified with massive potholes designed with depths impossible to escape. The multitudes of potholes also present another challenge as they are impossible to maneuver around increasing the likelihood of the enemy falling in.

Seneca says they have no fortifications and are depending entirely on the neighboring city of Cranberry in case an assault were to occur. Cranberry says they will lend aid to Seneca to prevent the county of Venango from being split in half. Personnel are being sent to Seneca with spitball machine guns. A useless weapon that fits their budget perfectly.

Preparation for the inevitable battle of Northwestern PA's two major superpowers is something Mayor Blunders considers Venango Counties number one priority. Blunders intends to invest all remaining county funds into the war effort while the surrounding counties laugh their heads off at him.

The capital of Southern Forest County, Tionesta says that they will lend aid to Titusville only if Venango invades their land. Mayor Blunders states he will respect Southern Forest Counties wishes and avoid potential mistakes that could very well cause an interstational backlash (word we literally just made up to describe a states version of international backlash).

This is your breaking report from The Venango Republic. I am your news anchor, Dead Weight."