Blunders Pipeline to Warren Impales Sea Turtle

A sea turtle is in critical condition after accidentally getting too close to a string of straws running through Forest County. According to officials, the turtle was attempting to pass through Allegheny National Forest when it unexpectedly came across a series of straws running along the ground. Moments later, a straw got stuck in the turtle's nose for dramatic effect.

Sources confirm that the string of straws is President Mayor Blunders' pipeline, which is being constructed to siphon Warren County's oil. The pipeline, which contributed to the escalation of County War One several months ago, was resumed Wednesday morning after Blunders declared that Warren "might not notice this time."

Minutes after construction resumed, witnesses say they saw the turtle get a straw stuck up its nose. Much like the viral video from several years ago, we are going to assume the people present did not shove it up its nose themselves, despite that being a reasonable explanation. The turtle was rushed to the hospital where it died of COVID.

Protests are taking place everywhere demanding sea turtles be banned for the convenience of straws. What the sea turtle was doing in the middle of Forest County is still a mystery. What we can determine is that it is a mystery.