Biker Gang Disrupts Blues and Jazz Fest
A group of motor cyclists are being investigated after allegedly using their bikes to do tricks at the Blues and Jazz Festival in Erie. The event took place Friday at some unspecified time in front of what most consider to be the second best stage. The matter was quickly resolved, but not before we figured out how to wildly exaggerate the circumstance for the sake of dishonest propaganda.
Several non-existing witnesses had a lot to say about the situation. The few bikers we have escalated to be more than 50 are said to have driven their suped-up mopeds through each tent, leaving vendors with ruined merchandise.
"My line of 'don't take dirt from anyone' merchandise is covered in mud!" says Mr. Cleanliness of West 6th Street. "I knew I shouldn't have left my bubble."
Witnesses say they were completely covered as the bikers turned the Blues and Jazz Fest into a mud-slinging derby. Riders were said to have come down the hill on the north side of the stage, leaving many confused as to why they were riding so aggressively.
It was at this moment a ramp, suspiciously constructed on the back of the venue, showed its intended purpose, as bikers began ascending to the roof of the stage.
"These dang kids on their dang e-bikes..." Batty Me Bow vented as he tried washing the mud stains out of his naturally black clothes. "I specifically choose this look so I don't have to use Tide. What the family-friendly version of the F word is going on here?"
Mud stains were the least of everyone's concerns. The ramp leading up the back of the stage resulted in acrobatics many would consider a liability.
"We thought that was part of the show. We thought it was a part of the setup," Mr. Peaceful Pledge told our reporters. "There's only four of us and like 500 of them. If it was 499, we could have stopped it, but they were too much to handle."
Despite the drawbacks, band members tried their best to press on, keeping rhythm as the engines roared louder than their speakers.
The noise was obnoxious. But spectators say that the bikers were at least respectful of the wiring running to the stage. Onlookers praised how the vehicle operators jumped once they came within feet of the cords.
"There were so many different models. Kawasaki, Yamaha, Norton Antivirus..." states Janice McAfee, wife of some famous computer nerd. "It was so overwhelming having thousands of dirt bikers flinging mud at us. Fortunately, I have a firewall to protect against mudware."
By the time authorities were notified, the bikers rounded the nearest corner and made their retreat on the nearest walking trail.
Police say they made a narrow escape, stopping roughly three times to recharge their batteries. Respectfully, they at least obeyed every posted speed limit, maintaining a consistent bunny-hop speed.
Those responsible for the incident are still at large because they eat donuts and never get off their scooters. Anyone with information is encouraged to contact the nearest relatives so they can pick up their dementia patient and return them to their village. For more information on how you can help scooter gangs overcome their delusion, contact the tip line for Elderly People with Fragile Hips. Elder abuse is illegal and should not be joked about... Oh well...
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