Big Foots Take on Butler Man Exposing Himself in Forest County

A recent act of public indecency took the region by surprise when a man decided to expose himself outside of a Dollar Tree. Much of the county has been talking about this matter in the least detailed way possible because many only read the headline anyway.

According to a source we refuse to cite, some dude drove all the way from Butler to Forest County to stalk a woman because he’s already creeped out the last remaining women in his hometown. Instead of driving to Pittsburgh where his creepiness could have lasted generations, he went the opposite way and chose to stalk some girl outside of a Dollar Tree — because nothing screams “hottie” like a woman who can’t afford Walmart.

The decision to drive that distance for women who are just as doped up on heroin as the ones in Butler confuses experts, given that she probably had the same amount of wrinkles all over her face.

Obviously, the indecent exposure of this man is one outside of our expertise, given that we are civilized men. A deeper understanding of this inhumane behavior requires a much more savage beast who has run naked in isolated regions like Forest County. Hence why we asked our interns, Big Foot and Ye Ti, to discuss the matter on our fictional podcast. Here is what they both had to say:

[Soft forest ambience, birds chirping, gentle acoustic intro fades out]

Big Foot: Good evening, woodland wanderers, and welcome back to The Furry Truth, the only podcast where sophistication meets the smell of wet moss. I’m your host, Big Foot — lover of fine teas, fresh-baked pastries, and good moral hygiene.

Ye Ti: And me Ye Ti. Lover of sticks... and hitting things with sticks.

Big Foot: (chuckles softly) Yes, well, we all have our interests. Now, tonight’s topic has left quite the stir among the civilized and semi-civilized alike — a man from Butler reportedly exposed himself outside a Dollar Tree in Forest County. Oh deer me… some people will do anything for a discount.

Ye Ti: Man brave... but stupid. Flash forest spirit in daylight? Dangerous thing.

Big Foot: Indeed, Ye Ti. And while I do admire the courage to — how shall I put this politely — “express oneself,” I must say, even during my more primitive years gallivanting through the forest in the nude, I maintained a sense of dignity.

Ye Ti: Fur keep secrets. Man have none.

Big Foot: Precisely. A thick coat of fur goes a long way in keeping one decent. This man, however, chose to behave like an untamed beast while possessing the physique of a frightened weasel.

Ye Ti: Me agree. Should try flirting with black bear next time.

Big Foot: (exhales sharply through his nose) I can’t argue with that logic. If he insists on acting like an animal, he might as well test his charm on a black bear instead. At least she would appreciate a bit of raw enthusiasm before mauling him to death.

Ye Ti: Romance end in tragedy. But delicious one.

Big Foot: Tragic indeed. You know, when I was younger, I too lived wild and free. But even as I frolicked among the pines, I always remembered — civility begins with trousers.

Ye Ti: Yes. Pants good. Dignity better. Man from Butler need both.

Big Foot: Quite right. So, to any gentlemen listening — next time you feel compelled to flash someone outside of a Dollar Tree, ask yourself… Would Big Foot approve?

Ye Ti: Answer: no. Cookie?

Big Foot: (chuckles warmly) Yes, Ye Ti. Let’s have a cookie — and perhaps a little decency while we’re at it. Until next time, remember — stay wild, stay whimsical, but please… stay dressed.

[Campfire crackles; outro music fades out]