Battle of "Bull Walk" Ends in Union Loss

The invasion of Cranberry to crush the rebellion ended in a disastrous loss with an astronomical zero casualties. According to sources, all three Union soldiers marched into battle but were unprepared for the genius onslaught of the rebel army.

The battle took place at 6 AM. The youngest troop snuck out of his parents' home around 5:30 to join the battle. Unfortunately, the Oil City School called his parents when they realized he was tardy. Now the Venango Military is down to two men.

Nerf guns were fired at close range because the county could not afford nice ones. Both soldiers were hit by the darts but fortunately were able to instantly recover from their wounds.

Sources say that spectators sat nearby on a hill to observe the battle. Several people were excited to see the first engagement, but that excitement turned to chaos when a stray Nerf dart struck a horse in the forehead. It immediately died of COVID and the crowd fled in a panic.

Union soldiers were pushed back by Foam Wall Jackson, who stood boldly in the field before a spitball struck his chest. He then crumbled and hasn't got up since.

The loss is a devastating blow, but Mayor Blunders is determined to continue fighting the South to preserve the union of this county. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders stated that he intends to keep the Venango County Military in Cranberry to "ensure the South will not gain independence." He then noted that the troops will need to be back Sunday to direct traffic at church, but then they will be returning promptly to the battlefield.