The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization is closer to restoration now that Jefferson County has eradicated Elk forces from their land. This came after months of conflict resulted in Elk County expanding their borders through the regions of Jefferson, Clarion, and Venango to form the beginning of the Elk Empire. Satalite images showing progression of Elk Empire expansion since April The civilians technically were not oppressed, given the Elk soldiers were only armed with Nerf guns. Nonetheless, for dramatic purposes, Jefferson forces retreated with Clarion to Oil City in April of 2026. The sacrifice of the three counties resulted in the beginning stages of the Elk Empire and continued with expansion into the southern regions of Western Pennsylvania. As of today, retaliation efforts have proved successful. Jefferson County, which has spent weeks using groundhog warfare to catch Elk soldiers by surprise, has successfully taken back Jefferson County, cutting off the head of the Elk Empire. Groundhog warfare after effects Jefferson forces utilized a new form of combat never before seen. This involved creating collapsible tunnels beneath major cities with the intent to bury everything in dirt. Elk forces were completely unprepared and are now forced to surrender Jefferson back to its original owners. Unfortunately, the Groundhog Day Accords are still in the possession of Mayor Bighorn in Elk County, who moved them after overthrowing Punxsutawney back in April. This means that Elk County still can impose winter conditions on anyone if they so please. Negotiations are now in play for the nations of Elk and Jefferson. The re-establishment of Jefferson County means that the counties of Indiana, Blair, Clearfield, and Westmoreland will also be restored. Each of these counties was overthrown to help expand the Elk Empire's branding. Now, their soldiers are trapped in the southern counties, which Jefferson will use as leverage to get the Groundhog Day Accords back from the Elk Empire. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney meets with Mayor Bighorn of Elk County to negotiate treaty Meanwhile, in the West, East Crawford still has control of the neighboring nations of Erie and West Crawford. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has established an ironed curtain hanging across the southern border of Erie to divide the nations indisputably. Families on West Crawford side grieve separation from Erie relatives Negotiations are now in play to have the curtain removed. Unfortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb is unmoved since the counties have nothing of value to offer. Technically, Dumbdumb's only leverage in claiming the lands as his own is his claims that they are his own. Nonetheless, soldiers representing the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization are forced to fight the matter out militarily. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military engaging battle of wits. Accompanied by Mercer and West Crawford troops. The fight to restore Western Pennsylvania is still in the works. Elk County has fallen, the Crawfordiot Union remains, but PLATO presses on. Meanwhile, the nations representing the Zugnar Alliance are still adamant about overthrowing the nations representing the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Zugnar Alliance in red (bad guys). Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization in blue (good guys). There is yet to be a resolution to the conflict between the two opposing treaties. The war between the counties continues, with each nation playing a vital role in restoring or dismantling the world of Western Pennsylvania.

A major blunder on the part of Erie intelligence has resulted in the Millcreek Mall still functioning with firing capabilities. This came after saboteurs accidentally mistook a nearby restaurant as their primary target, unloading mass amounts of sponge candy on a location nobody visited enough. The building has been deemed uninhabitable at this time. Not because of the sponge candy, but because they are permanently closed. Erie intelligence has not commented on whether they are aware of the mistake. Despite several calls, Mayor Paranoia of Erie seems to still be hiding under his covers. The conflict, which began more than a week ago, still has no clear rhyme or reason to justify the exchange of fire between the cities. Last week, a diaper barrage nearly leveled an entire building that was leaning slightly too far to the right. The first diaper to hit the building caused it to stand straight before a second incoming diaper caused it to lean too far to its left. There were 50 reported cases of seasickness. Intercounty powers are weighing in on the matter, but are struggling to have any political influence to force a treaty between the neighboring towns. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has threatened to stop trading steel to Erie if the conflict is not resolved in a day. Because Erie has not traded for steel for several decades, the threat meant nothing. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh makes a point President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is making an even greater proposition that would involve crossing intercounty lines. In a press briefing today outside Venango's capital building, Blunders said that he will drop more than a thousand boots on the ground to force the townships to settle their differences. This threat meant nothing as well. When asked about the boots, Blunders struggled to answer where he will get them considering Oil City cannot even afford a pair of socks. Blunders also folded when asked about dropping boots near Lake Erie. Even if Venango County could find a way to purchase five pairs, Venango's self-declared president cannot explain how dropping footwear on the ground would make a difference in this war. Blunders simply covered his ears and shouted, "lalalalalalalalalalalala," as he walked away from the press. Mayor Blunders going "lalalalalalalalalalalala" Millcreek's President, Mayor Wastecash, says he has no worries about outside powers sticking their noses into the conflict. With Millcreek possessing the biggest gun in the Fictional Universe, Wastecash believes nobody will be bold enough to stand in his way. So far, 231 diapers have struck Erie. Five reported fictional deaths caused by unrelated circumstances have been noted to increase the tension of the storyline. Soldiers have not been deployed by either side because they don't have any. We will keep you informed as events unfold.

Mayor Bighorn is losing ground and the support of his troops as Clarion County has now regained its independence from the Elk Empire. According to sources from the Clarion Psych, Elk troops were forced to abandon Clarion territory after losing six cities to collapsed tunnels. Each industrial city was a hub to an average of three people. Now, they are no more. The Jefferson County military has been hard at work utilizing their tunnel hogs to dig unstable tunnels beneath the cities occupied by Elk forces. Although it comes at the cost of Clarion having no homes to return to, the residents of the region can rest assured it is a completely idiotic war, given that the Elk aren't really doing anything other than claiming the land as their own. Now that Clarion has re-established the borders that were previously erased by the Elk Empire, Jefferson is setting its focus on the home of Jefferson County. If successful in taking back their own county, re-establishing the border between Jefferson and Indiana, Pennsylvania will scientifically cut off the neck of the Elk embarrassment, causing all the territories to return to their natural appearance. Elk County fought hard under Mayor Bighorn to expand their territories. Now, it seems they are without a nose to guide them in these dark times. Where is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Elk when you need him? The loss of Venango County was a minor setback to Mayor Bighorn, given that Elk lose their horns all the time. Clarion was the nose of the Empire. Its loss leaves them with nothing to smell out enemy advancements. They must now depend fully on Elk intelligence to survive. This will be a challenge since their dumbness increases every time they run into the side of a moving vehicle.

Diaper air defense systems held back more than 80% of the incoming projectiles launched Friday afternoon. By order of the Millcreek Mayor, General Victoria fired the Millcreek Mall artillery system, discharging a merciless continuum of adult Depends she has collected over the last three decades. Anti-diaper defense systems Erie officials expected to be hit with female underwear featuring provocative designs from Victoria's Secret. Instead, they learned that Victoria now wears adult diapers due to her aging body. Defense systems took several minutes to shift from underwear to diapers. In that time, more than 20 buildings were struck by a barrage that nearly leveled the city's dignity. Millcreek Mall gun before and after assembly Among the structures hit is the Bicentennial Tower overlooking Presque Isle Bay. Originally designed as a tourist outlook, the tower has served the Erie Department of Defense in observing patterns of their neighboring rival, Millcreek. "The tower was obviously hit because of its strategic advantage," states the Erie Department of Defense Director, Perry Pumpkin. "They claim to be a town devoted to Millcreek, yet they get Presque Isle. It's just not fair!" The tower has not been deemed a complete loss. However, work must be done before it is considered structurally sound. Tower clean up It is now structurally sound. Other buildings in the downtown region were left in shambles. One such location is the old Continental Rubber Works Factory. It was struck four times. Fortunately, its rubber works defense system redirected the incoming diapers to a nearby dumpster. That dumpster was also owned by Rubber Works. The diapers bounced off the dumpster and landed in the street, which was not owned by the Rubber Works Factory. Tourists Quin-T Corps Industrial Paper Factory likely took the hardest hit out of all locations. Western Pennsylvania neglect We're kidding. It already looked like that. Other more populated areas may also be impacted permanently. The hotspots on State Street are completely covered in poop. Experts say that the territory may not be approachable for decades. Viewer discretion is advised In response to the crisis, several nations have pledged support to the city of Erie. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America dipped into Venango County savings and is sending a whole three pennies. Mayor Blunders stands outside City Hall, which is the City Outhouse Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, is sending a box of nuts and bolts made of quality steel. We're sure Erie will find a use for them. Mayor Steelhead thinks Erie is on the east side of the state Mayor Dambuilder of Beaver County announced that he will be sending more than a billion logs to help any beavers who lost their homes in the crisis. Mayor Dambuilder bites off what he can chew Finally, Mayor Servanthood of Butler County says that he will be sending his country's finest linens. Unrealistic depiction of Butler. We all know the real citizens are on drugs. Mayor Paranoia of Erie has still not come out from beneath his mattress covers. The city of Erie is left to decide what countermeasures they want to make in this battle for survival. Diapers are not common in the city of Erie, meaning that the Department of Defense may have to resort to other projectiles more familiar to the region.

The armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, otherwise known as PLATO, are in a stalemate that has lasted for several weeks. Three militaries sent by Mercer, West Crawford, and Venango County have engaged the Zugnar Alliance in the Battle of Meadville only to find that the might of East Crawford, Warren, and Elk County is an equal match for the allies. Meadville was overthrown several months ago, handing the entirety of West Crawford over to Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville. Shortly thereafter, the Nation of Erie also fell, forming what is now known as the Crawfordiot Union. Since the fall of these minor superpowers, Mayor Dumbdumb has imposed his will on the people of the new dictatorship. A finely pressed curtain had been hung across the border of Erie and West Crawford to divide the people between the Ironed Curtain. Families on both sides have been warned not to cross over to avoid wrinkling the linen. Violators are subject to be shot with spitball fire on sight. So far, three people have been hit by spitballs while attempting to cross. Each instantly died of COVID. In the midst of the conflict, the Battle of Meadville is still raging in the most boring fashion imaginable. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are on their two hundred and seventy-fifth game of chess, all of which have ended in a stalemate. The militaries have all agreed that the losers will withdraw. Mayor Dumbdumb, president of East Crawford and the newly formed Crawfordiot Union, says he does not want to wait any longer. Now, he is demanding the withdrawal of all PLATO militaries, lest another invasion take place on Venango soil. Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America says that he is ready for any invasion. He is lying. Venango's three military men are spread between West Crawford and Clarion. The only option available is an elderly soldier stationed in Pleasantville who keeps giving up the city when he falls asleep. Dumbdumb knows the vulnerable state Venango is in thanks to their decision to send their soldiers away. Consequently, he is preparing an army of two men to invade Venango by way of Route 8. This is the same passage East Crawford used the last four times they attacked. The conflict continues to escalate, and it seems that County War One has a long way to go. Although the author is getting sick of this storyline, he will do his best to finish it without rushing too quickly. UGH!!!!

Erie may be in a state of emergency in the next 24 hours if demands are not met to appease Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek. Moments ago, Wastecash demanded an apology from Erie for asserting that the Millcreek Mall is "a giant gun erected to assert dominance over the residents of Erie." If an apology is not given, Wastecash says he will fire the Mall's artillery at the neighboring city to demonstrate why his status deserves such respect. Millcreek Arsenal Center located next to Men's Warehouse Mayor Paranoia of Erie has not come out from beneath his covers. Sources say that despite several attempts to coax him, the mattress is too heavily fortified with high-quality fabric capable of deterring fictional ghosts. At least we know he'll be safe during the attack. Now, the people of Erie have no direction on what to do. Should the weapon fire upon the city, officials state they have no idea which defense system they should use to knock the projectiles out of the air. "We have anti-diaper defense systems built after observing Warren County's attempt to cover Venango County in baby feces," states the Director of the Erie Department of Defense. "We also have an anti-condom defense system after observing Indiana County attack Westmoreland." George Washington, Venango Republic Stonemason, interviews Erie's Department of Defense Director The Venango Republic stopped the interview right there in order to meet family friendly guidelines. Despite vast options for air defense weaponry, Erie has no familiarity with the projectiles designed for the Millcreek Mall artillery system. The only clue obtained by Erie intelligence is the name of one Victoria who is in charge of a store called Victoria's Secret. Informants have suggested that she is in charge of the trigger that fires the gun, which discharges from mental prompts sending signals through a gutter she wears on her head. Founded in 1977, the 49 year old business suggests Victoria is at least 70. "She essentially has to keep her mind in the gutter," Erie's Department of Defense Director told us. "We just don't know what coded messages she sends to the computerized system to launch the projectiles. It's likely similar to what they use at Indiana University." We stopped the interview a second time to maintainthe dignityof a family friendly medium. Google Indiana Pennsylvania if you are confused. There is only one potential clue as to what Victoria is keeping secret behind the walls of Millcreek's Mall. Military intelligence says they were able to find a fragment of Victoria's clothes at a local Goodwill, which hints to what she may be planning to fire on the city. Once again, we forgot why we kept ending the interviews with the Director of Erie's Department of Defense. While engaging him for a third time, he showed us the fragment. Unfortunately, we cannot disclose what we observed for the sake of keeping our platform appropriate for people of all ages. What we can do is show our viewers a picture of what was observed during our meeting with the director. The image has been blurred for your safety. Viewer discretion is advised. Potential secret Victoria has been keeping, finally revealed! If this is in fact what Millcreek intends on launching toward the wholesomely pure city of Erie, military leaders have no choice but to buckle down. The fragment shown to us was so polluted, it had to be handled with six pairs of rubber gloves on hands later bathed in lava. If just one of those gets through the Erie air defense system, it could mean moral impurity for the religious capital of the world. Erie will no longer be able to call itself the "City of Incorruptible Virgins." There will be none left. The city currently known for having no experience in such distasteful practice will forever lose that innocence. We would never show the real thing even with a blur Military leaders are warning residents to be prepared to seek shelter in the case of incoming s**y l**gerie. We are sorry for not censoring those terms more. But people need to get a sense of what may be coming their way. Be prepared to seek shelter and cover your eyes!

Founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, Blobbert Blobfish, sat down with the host of 33 1/3 Minutes for an exclusive televised interview about his role in fictional news. To say that the success of the Venango Republic is unimaginable would be an overstatement considering Blobbert's history of fudging viewership. Nonetheless, when applying the philosophy of counting non-followers as if they are followers, the Venango Republic has exceeded all expectations. "The real world has a population of about 8 billion people," Blobbert told Frank Drebin of 33 1/3 Minutes. "Almost one hundred percent have not heard of us, meaning we have 8 billion followers if we use reverse psychology." Now, the Venango Republic ranks number one in all fictional news with the largest following of non-followers to date. Blobbert considers this the greatest fudged achievement of his career. Future plans for the Venango Republic are to keep expanding to other western Pennsylvania territories. Although Blobbert is jokingly pleased with the fudged following, he hopes to obtain more followers in the northern and southern regions of the state. "We are gaining traction in Erie thanks to Millcreek residents who hate coyotes," Blobbert expressed. "Pittsburgh has become a difficult audience to reel in since their sports pride has been dwindling for the last ten years." Blobbert says he will continue trying to build a following in the southern regions to keep residents of the real western PA informed on what is happening in the fake one. If successful, he hopes to disregard the non-followers as followers since fudging numbers breaks trust.

A pigeon was observed on the roof of the Boston Store on State Street early Wednesday evening in downtown Erie in what appeared to be an attempt to jump from the edge. Onlookers noticed the bird sitting on the rooftop, contemplating as if it had plans to leap, raising concerns about its safety. "I was scared he might do it," said one moron in the crowd. "It was one of the worst feelings to see someone so small considering a decision that would alter their life forever." Emergency personnel were called to the scene within seconds of the observation. Crowds formed, fearing the possibility of a descent to the pavement below. As police tried to manage the crowd, one witness could be heard yelling, "Dive!" as if to encourage the pigeon to step off the edge. "I just couldn't believe the heartless attitude of that person," another moron says. "This little guy obviously needs professional help, and someone has the nerve to encourage a fatal mistake." Firefighters were able to raise the ladders to the height of the roof. Unfortunately, the pigeon flew away before they could save it. "My fear is that he looked for a different building," another resident expressed. "Hopefully another crowd notices before it's too late."

A costly incident resulted in absolutely no injuries after a firework struck a steel factory on the south side of Pittsburgh. In response to the incident, Allegheny County has deployed 55 soldiers into the Lawrence County region as a precautionary measure to find and destroy the weapons of "mass destruction." The firework technically brought no destruction whatsoever. When it hit the target, it made a mild bang. This failed to even rattle the structure. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh credits the defensibility of the steel factory to the fact that it is made out of steel. He also credits the lack of injuries to the fact that every worker is also made out of steel. Sir Lawrence of Newcastle is now preparing his defenses with more than seventy-five valiant knights ready to confront the armies of the Allegheny Nation. Armed with fireworks and iron-plated armor, the soldiers of Newcastle are ready to serve their lord as they march toward the enemy in an attempt to slay the invaders. "We hath not seen times ne'er as dark as these, except in nightfall on a cloudy, moonless evening," states the less than poetically skilled Mayor of Newcastle, Sir Lawrence. "We shall strike the steel, while the iron is hot, and force those who taketh our land by force back to whenve they came." Technically, it was Lawrence County's decision to steal West Pittsburg several decades ago. This prompted the sudden tension between Lawrence and Allegheny County. When Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh was searching for his city's west side, he noted on a map that Lawrence County has a West Pittsburg, with an "H" that was unjustifiably removed. Founded 1902, one night after Pittsburgh's west side went missing Despite demanding the return of West Pittsburg, Sir Lawrence of Newcastle denies the allegations and has since threatened to launch fireworks toward the city of Pittsburgh. Now Allegheny may take West Pittsburgh by force if Sir Lawrence does not yield to Southwestern Pennsylvania's biggest superpower. Though the knights of Newcastle are armored with the finest iron mined in their region, their fireworks are no match to the steel nuts and bolts that will be launched at them by the armies of Allegheny. For peace to be guaranteed, many believe that it is best for Sir Lawrence to surrender West Pittsburg back to Allegheny forces. Unfortunately, retrieving Pittsburgh's West end would mean more distaster from Washington County, who has been threatening to fire the cannons of Cannonsburgh on Pittsburgh if Mount Washington is not returned to them. Pittsburgh's demand for West Pittsburg is observed as hypocrisy by Washington County leaders. The refusal to return the mountain has brought the treaty between both counties to an end and may result in the first war between these nations. Washington County's military is already preparing for potential invasion. Political leaders are now at an escalated tension over the possession of land. Allegheny has soldiers at their disposal, but may be facing the first test of their superiority. It all depends on the leadership of Mayor Steelhead.

The Millcreek mayor says that he will not be dismantling Millcreek's largest artillery, despite threats of political sanctions imposed by the Erie mayor. According to sources from the Millcreek Mafia Times, Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek intends to keep the giant gun located in Kearsarge pointed toward the neighboring city as a means to enforce authority. In response, Mayor Paranoia of Erie announced his intent to pay the Pizza Cartel to plant hundreds of pasta detonators all over the Millcreek Mall in an attempt to destroy the structure. The Pizza Cartel, headed by one Margaret Diesel Myarmsweak, is wanted by several counties for discharging pizza explosives in highly populated areas. Wanted in 4 counties. Call Jenny at 8675309. He just bought that shirt Now Erie has become desperate to the point of sacrificing moral dignity to end the superpower that is Millcreek. In response to the threat of pizza detonations, Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek accused Mayor Paranoia of inter-township crimes worthy of humiliation. Mayor Paranoia of Erie hit back, accusing Mayor Wastecash of being a wolf in sheep's clothing. Wastecash denied the allegations, stating that he is in fact a coyote in sheep's clothing. He then took back that statement insisting he's just a sheep. Mayor Wastecash sheepishly dropping money everywhere The inter-township conflict remains heated between the two superpowers of Erie's northern region. The weapon is functional, according to political leaders in the Millcreek region. Meanwhile, Erie is adamant that the mall must be destroyed if the neighboring towns are to be at peace once again. There is no telling what projectiles the massive storm trooper like weapon can fire. Whether it be giant bullets, or products within the stores, Erie is on high alert until the matter can be put to rest.

The war of Western Pennsylvania rages on as the armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization fight to take back the lost counties of West Crawford, Clarion, and Jefferson. In the midst of the conflict, military personnel find themselves in different stages of morale as they watch progress fluctuate between advancement and standstill. The tunnel hogs of Jefferson County, accompanied by Venango County's youngest military member, nine-year-old Timmy, have managed to overthrow major cities in the Clarion and Jefferson County regions. Jefferson County's capital of Punxsutawney has been completely leveled thanks to a new military tactic where soldiers burrow beneath the city in an attempt to cause a giant cave-in. At least sixteen cities in the southern portion of Jefferson County have been sacrificed for the good of driving Elk County's military from the territory. Clarion County has only lost its capital of Clarion. Nonetheless, the head of the Elk Empire may soon be cut off of the image that Elk County formed when they erased the borders of several nations in the world of Western Pennsylvania. Western PA normal state on left. Abnormal state on right. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America stood before the press today in an attempt to encourage the nation of Venango County to know that the war for Western PA is a righteous cause. "With every spitball fired upon the enemy, we bring ourselves closer to the goal of uniting the counties once again," Blunders told the press as he stood outside City Hall, which is the city outhouse. Blunders outside Venango's capital building in Oil City Meanwhile, on the western front, the armies of Venango County, Mercer County, and West Crawford find themselves in a literal stalemate that has lasted for several weeks. Soldiers for the Elk Empire find that they are an equal match for the wit of Laurel and Hardy, representing the Venango County military, in a game of strategic military combat. PLATO armies battle Elk in blood thirsty chess match Over 177 chess matches have been played in the last week, all of which keep ending in a stalemate. Although both armies could technically fire on one another, they've chosen to use the chessboard, hoping to exhaust one another in the Battle of Meadville. We're so sick of covering this. Thus far, only one casualty has taken place since the armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization invaded the territories outside of Venango County. When the Warren County military greased Route 322, a Mercer soldier accidentally slipped and stuck one of the golf clubs he was carrying in his face. The shock instantly paralyzed him. With the remaining soldiers fighting valiantly, the question still remains what political leaders will do once the northern regions are reestablished in the order observed prior to the war. The southern counties of Indiana, Westmoreland, Blair, and Clearfield still remain in the power of the Elk Empire. These counties have no treaty with the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, but are still independent nations lacking military forces capable of overthrowing Mayor Bighorn's regime. Should the northern counties engage, it will be the only hope that could have any potential in ending Mayor Bighorn's reign in the Western Pennsylvania world.

"We are completely surrounded," states Mr. Westmoreland of Westmoreland County. "I'm not even from this region, and even I have strong opinions about it." Millcreek lays claim to three major sections of land, limiting the city of Erie to only one route of escape if they are ever turned on. In that situation, they have to trust that Wesleyville won't be joining Millcreek. "It's really a scary thought that keeps me awake at night," states Mr. Fear Factor of Erie, Pennsylvania. "I'm genuinely scared that Wesleyville will not allow us to pass through their region if ever Millcreek tries to invade." Millcreek's control over Erie has been a subject of conversation for generations. Some even argue that they feel as if they are under Millcreek's thumb all the time. I'm not the only one who sees it With Millcreek laying claims to Presque Isle, residents of Erie do not have a direct escape route by way of the lake, meaning they are forced to keep good relations with Wesleyville at all costs. Unfortunately, it literally comes at all costs. "Our $12 million deficit isn't actually because of poor budgeting over the last 10 years," states one political leader. "We've actually been bribing Wesleyville to ensure that they don't join Millcreek in the case of an inter-township conflict." Bribery is logical but not a guaranteed safety net for the city of Erie. If Wesleyville can justify a greater reward in an allegiance with Millcreek, they likely will take it, putting more pressure on Erie to pay their 12 million dollar debt. No direct assault has ever been performed against Erie. But Millcreek's decision to point a giant pistol in their direction has not helped in de-escalating tensions. It's a storm trooper gun. They'll probably miss the target. Political sanctions have been placed on Millcreek to no avail. According to Mayor Paranoia of Erie, there is no guarantee that the pistol is not loaded, meaning that it can go off at any unexpected moment. Mayor Paranoia signs executive order for sanctions on Millcreek "They claim that it's a mall," Mayor Paranoia told the press. "But then I learned that one of their stores is called Victoria's Secret. Who is Victoria? What is her secret?" The Venango Republic cannot disclose this information due to the provocative nature of Victoria's Secret. We had to end the interview here because Mayor Paranoia claimed to be seeing demonic possessed underwear on the ceiling. The discharge of that giant weapon is the greatest fear factor in the unresolved conflict between Erie and Millcreek. If ever put to use, the residents of Erie may not survive the blast, making an exit point through Wesleyville an illegitimate option. Erie has constructed their own machine gun in response, but accidentally pointed it the wrong direction. We know it's a stretch. But none of Erie's other buildings work for this joke. Negotiations are once again on the table to not only disassemble the weapon, but to obtain a portion of Millcreek's land. Doing so would allow Erie to have their own designated escape route from the city if ever the militias of Millcreek Township invade. Let my people go While residents of Millcreek state that they do not want to be Erie residents, those residing in the region will have no choice but to take on the bloodline of the city of Erie, renouncing their Millcreek pride for Erie pride.