Jason Bourne, advertising specialist for the Venango Republic, came extremely close to being reported for associating with our satirical news site. This last Sunday, Bourne posted three of our articles to the Venango Happenings Facebook page. The articles managed to go viral receiving an average of three likes per post. In spite of this positive public response, one user tried to get him fired from his job. A follower on the Venango Happenings page named "IAMA PRICK" tried to nonchalantly ask Bourne "so... Where do you work???" Our advertising specialist, who recently took up the alias of Jason Bourne to protect his reputation, refused to answer the suspicious question. "As someone who has starred in four popular action movies, three of which are good, I was too smart to fall for this clever attempt to make me spill information" says Bourne "I saw the question and was like 'WOW! It's bad enough they can see my name 'John Barrymore' as the guy who shared the link. But I don't need these people knowing I work at the Oil City Pizza Hut located at 394 Seneca St, Oil City PA 16301 and whose phone number is (814) 676-0617... If people were to know that, they would surely walk in or call to complain. Then I would lose my job as the guy who grates the cheese!" The Venango Republic has taken this matter seriously, and for the sake of Barrymore's identity, changed his name on our site to Jason Bourne. "They say with great power comes great responsibility" says Barrymore (Bourne) "We have a lot of power to make Venango County sound interesting by making fun of the fact that it isn't. Just like Batman, I have to wear the mask of Jason Bourne so that people don't find out I'm John Barrymore who works at the Oil City Pizza Hut located at 394 Seneca St, Oil City PA 16301 and whose phone number is (814) 676-0617. This is not just about my safety, but also the reputation of where I work and the people I love.

An anonymous pigeon was seen flying over Oil City today when the unthinkable happened. According to eye witnesses, the pigeon dropped a massive turd covering half of the ugliness that exists. "This was a major answer to prayer" says one resident we made up for the sake of this quote "I have to walk outside every day. It takes every bit of my willpower not to vomit by what I see!" Mayor Blunder is especially happy by what he has observed. According to blunder, a pigeon is the city version of a dove, which in ancient times, symbolized purity. "I understand that city pigeons are filthy animals" says Mayor Blunder "but they are the closest thing we have to pure in this town. That's why I truly believe that turd was sent by God." Oil City has been neck and neck with the city of Cleveland for the title of ugliest town. Although both towns now have poop associated with their reputation, Mayor Blunder believes this turd is an exception. "Bird poop is white life a dove. This turd literally covered up what was making us compete with Cleveland." Cleveland on the other hand, is known for the sewage they historically pumped into the Cuyahoga River , the river that runs through Cleveland (DUH!). Cleveland has become so famous for their poop infested river, their professional football team is named the Browns. When asked if he would consider naming Oil Cities major sports team after the pigeon poop that fell, Mayor Blunder stated "what major sports team?"

You read that correctly! Even when verbally speaking Mayor Blunder manages to misspell the word "are." Oil City residents were blown away today when they observed what seemed to be an unfamiliar car driving through town. The last time an outsider entered this county, the major highway connecting Oil City and Franklin wasn't a giant pothole. Mayor Blunder was sitting in the City Outhouse, which coincidentally is also City Hall, signing executive orders and relieving himself when he got the news. "I got out of my seat and looked out that moon shaped window with excitement" said Mayor Blunder "I completely forgot to wipe before pulling up my pants!" It seems the Venango Republic is really making a difference for the county. If outsiders really are driving through in curiosity, we can be certain there will be more. They may not stay after taking a glimpse, but they will come none the less.

In a recent report , the Venango Republic cited the Oil City Derrick as having a whopping one subscriber. Despite this following being huge by Oil City standards, the Derrick reached out to us complaining that they actually have three. "This misinformation was incredibly insulting" says a fictional man who may or may not work for the Derrick "yes, we reported on our taxes one subscriber to avoid paying the extra 20 cents, but everyone knows we have three." To avoid legal disputes, the CEO's of each major news company met this morning at the Oil City Outhouse. After 5 hours of negotiations, a 10 cent settlement agreement was made to avoid matters going before the judge. The Venango Republic has agreed to pay the 10 cents over the next 5 years and to only reference the rival news publication with a satiric name. From this point on, the Venango Republic will only reference the news company mentioned above as the "errick" with a silent capital "D" on the front. The Derrick (the "D" is silent) is pleased with the proposal and, in our falsified quote, will "never get mad at us for existing again."

Oil City, we need to talk about this Mayor... I understand that nobody in our town progressed beyond the second grade, but this man we keep electing is a moron! 3 weeks ago he declared Oil City the capital despite not knowing what State he resides in. Now this morning, he signs an executive order for succession, declaring our 10 by 10 mile county of 52 residents the Venango States of America. "V-S-A! V-S-A!" Why is this a problem you ask? We don't even have a military! The city policemen literally use spitballs in firefights because the city budget can't afford guns. Nonetheless, he's still going through with it because he thinks we are a superpower. I begged Mayor Blunder... I pleaded with him not to do this embarrassing thing! I said "Mayor, think of the size of your county! Much of the world doesn't know you exist!" "Really?" He asked I sighed thinking I got through to him... "Wow! That means we have the element of surprise!" Now he's raising an army of 5 men to invade the surrounding counties... They too will be carrying straws with spitballs! This is the single dumbest thing he's done since ordering the invasion of Union City believing they possessed "weapons of mass destruction" all because some visiting 7 year old egged him on Halloween! Oil City, we need to impeach this Mayor. His name literally is Blunder! Yes, half the town likes him. Many of them were chearing today when he exited the City Hall/outhouse and were shouting "V-S-A! V-S-A!" That's stands for Venango States of America. Mind you... What States are we talking about?

The Venango Republic Facebook page is the talk of the town. Reaching 6 followers in less than a day, we nearly have 2/3rds of Oil Cities population subscribed to our news. Not only is this huge by Venango County standards, but Mayor Blunder has personally congratulated our CEO for the unforseen success. "This is a big deal" says Jason Bourne, head of advertising for the Venango Republic. "This is six times as many subscribers as the local Derrick who, as of January 2025, reported only 1 person subscribed to their paper." In addition to surpassing the Derrick, the Venango Republic believes they're on course to surpass their biggest competition, Explore Venango. Much like the Venango Republic, Explore Venango is known for getting on people's nerves, the difference being that while the Venango Republic is known for satirical news that is high quality, Explore Venango is known for real news that is low in quality. In February of 2024, Explore Venango lost a networth of 50 cents when they dropped to 10 subscribers. The Venango Republic is confident that they not only will surpass that number, but eventually gain subscriptions from all 52 residents in the entire county. The biggest question facing the competition is why people are leaving standard news for a satirical website. Firstly, we must remember that all journalists at the Venango Republic are college graduates from renowned universities. This does present a challenge to our writers as they must always remember to lower their standards to a second grade level keeping in mind that no one in Venango County has even reached middle school. The fact that the educational standard is so low is advantageous for the Venango Republic. Take the Derrick for instance. Their only writer is working his way through preschool. We can tell by the way he spells their name. "I think the main reason people are turning to us is because we make it seem like things are happening here" says Jason Bourne. When you consider the fact that nothing interesting ever happens in Venango County, it makes sense that people will grow bored with a serious newspaper that has nothing interesting to report. Bourne continues by saying "locals want to believe that Venango county is growing like a metropolis. We give them that opportunity by fabricating reality and feeding into that delusion." The Venango Republic estimates that by next month, we will more than surpass the number of subscribers our competitors have. In fact, it is our goal to steal their subscribers completely. This is more than likely to happen because nobody knows what news to trust anymore, so why not turn to the one that feeds your ego?

It's been 2 weeks since the conflict of Western PA began. Mayor Blunder of Oil City has been working around the clock to force Allegheny County to surrender their claims to their famous river. Mayor Blunder has placed sanctions and tarrifs on Pittsburgh and now is even threatening to cut off their water supply if they do not change the name of the Allegheny River to the "Gulf of Venango." "If they refuse to change the name of their river, then we will take away their river" Mayor Blunder stated in a press briefing earlier this morning. What Mayor Blunder fails to understand is that daming up the water will not do much to impact Pittsburghs water supply. As seen in the picture below, Oil Creek bleeds into the Allegheny River at the edge of Oil City. And there are several places south of Oil City where other creeks and rivers converge as well. Pittsburgh for instance has a converging point at the center of their city where the Allegheny river merges with Monongahela to form the Ohio River. If Mayor Blunder wants to successfully cut off Pittsburghs water supply, there needs to be a concerted effort from every city and town north of his target. The only problem is that two weeks ago, Mayor Blunder thought nothing existed outside the Venango county border. Now, he thinks Pittsburgh is the only existing town outside the Venango County border. The Mayor seriously has no idea that Venango county makes up a minute portion of an entire planet. This means he has no relationship with any city other than the neighboring Franklin. Despite his lack of geographical knowledge, the Mayor is adamant about daming up the river in hopes of "sending a message to that tiny town down south." An executive order was signed yesterday morning for the construction of a 5 foot tall dam. Work begins today at 12 o'clock and is expected to last at least 10 years. Experts from the University of Clarion believe this effort will result in Pittsburghs water levels dropping by as much as a quarter inch.

There is a heated debate among local residents regarding Mayor Blunders attempts to change the name of the Allegheny river. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunder stated that if Pittsburgh does not comply with changing the name of their river to the Gulf of Venango, he will impose Tarrifs on all imports into Venango County. What Mayor Blunder fails to understand is that Oil City has not imported from Pittsburgh in over 30 years. Ever since the oil dried up, the city has been too dirt poor to make any major trades. Additionally, Pittsburgh, despite being the largest city in Allegheny County, is not the capital. Decisions like changing the rivers name needs to go to the Governor in Harrisburg who is likely uninterested in hearing the proposal. Mayor Blunder is not backing down regardless of these factors. He is determined to have the river changed to "Gulf of Venango" even if it means placing sanctions on Pittsburgh. In a press briefing this morning, the Mayor stated "I don't know what sanctions are, but we will impose them if it accomplishes this objective." The Mayor of Pittsburgh has not responded likely because he doesn't know Oil City exists. Mayor Blunder recognizes that trade must resume for tarrifs to have any impact. With Oil Cities oil dried up, the Mayor proposes using the current most valuable resource in town. Local craft vendors are being urged to start producing their most creative garbage and start selling it to people in Pittsburgh. The hottest item on the line right now is mittens made from feathers plucked from baby chickens. If Oil City can somehow influence trade with these chicken feather mittens, then Mayor Blunder can theoretically start imposing tarrifs on what Pittsburgh trades in return. "I can't imagine a small town like Pittsburgh having any resource as valuable as our chicken mittens" says Mayor Blunder "I hear Pittsburgh is less than half our population, and there are so many chickens here, our future is set!" The Mayor is confident he holds all the cards in the conflict surrounding the Allegheny river. It is just a matter time till we see if his tarrifs have any effect.

Mayor Blunder, who has served Oil City for the last 30 years politically, is fed up with our neighboring county. "I have never personally been to Allegheny County" Stated Mayor Blunder "all I know is that body of water running through our county deserves a better name!" Mayor Blunder can't imagine a city like Pittsburgh having a population as big as Oil City. "Oil City is practically a metropolis! And the biggest City should be able to name the river after their county!" Mayor Blunder would like to make plans for Airforce One to fly him over the river. There he would sign an executive order declaring the river as the "Gulf of Venango." Unfortunately, the tiny town of Washington D.C. has not responded to his inquiry. Mayor Blunder has no choice but to dip into the city funds and rent a single pedal boat for this occasion. The boat will temporarily be named "Boat Force One." Mayor Blunder is ecstatic about the renaming of the Allegheny river. "I wouldn't be surprised if word of this reaches around the world. And maybe even further. It might even go to the border of Clarion!" Only time will tell. What can be determined is that Allegheny County will not surrender their claims to the river. It is expected that everywhere else in the world, Google maps will display the name "Allegheny River." As for those observing within the borders of Venango county, they will see the name "Allegheny River." When asked how he will force Google to adhere to the name change, Mayor Blunder replied "what's Google?"

Clarion Township is a small college town in western PA known for their success in drawing young students. Residents of this fine community like to think of themselves as a "Mayberry with a University." Although small, they take pride in the charm of their community without exaggerating their potential. And then there's Oil City, a visual dump in the neighboring county who, despite sharing their city hall with an outhouse, seems to think of themselves as a highrise in Manhattan. Ironically, most the residents don't know people exist beyond the Clarion borderline with some even suggesting that life cannot exist past the reaches of Venango. It's the strangest conspiracy since the invention of flat Earthers. Johnathan Unitustogether, a statistical analyst for Clarion University, has been working closely with Psychiatrist Ben Shapinghero to better understand why Oil City residents are delusional about the size of their importance. According to census data dating back to before the oil industry collapsed, 98.7% of Oil City residents are an average of 102 years old. This means that almost 100% of the current population was here when Quaker State left in the early 90s. "The data clearly shows these residents are living in denial" says Shapinghero "they couldn't come to grips with the industry leaving and therefore try to compensate their loss by acting like they're bigger than Chicago." What makes the contrast of both towns so fascinating is that they both faced economic struggles at about the same time. The difference is that Clarion managed to recover without displaying this sense of inflated ego. Oil City on the other hand continues to lose business and population because the residents eventually die. Oil City does have one thing going for it. There is a college at the edge of town. This school draws in about 5 students every 15 years. However, only one student on record managed to complete his 4 year degree program. That same student skipped town in 2020 after Mayor Blunder agreed to have his ankle monitor removed. According to sources, this sad excuse for a college was purchased by Clarion University. When asked to comment, the president of Clarion University said "oh... we don't talk about that building. Our hope is that if we just don't mention it, it will eventually be forgotten and just go away." As the years have passed, Oil City has lost much of its population. Nobody ever leaves. They just get old and die. It is estimated that by 2035, there will be only 5 residents left in what was once a very prosperous region. Meanwhile, Clarion will continue to exist as a town where young students come and go seeking an education to propel them into the real world.

Let's face it! Nothing really happens in Venango County. Its biggest events are corn hole tournaments drawing an average of 8 people. Which is why it's appropriate to have a page called "Venango Happenings" where locals can post about the interesting things that never take place. That is until this weekend, when an anonymous local posted satirical content which made the county sound like it was worth a visit. A local journalist who recently took up the anonymous persona of Jeremy Jetfuel sparked loads of controversy when he dared to make Venango County sound like things actually happen there. "We are extremely put off by this attempt to make Venango County sound interesting!" says Bluebonnet Plague, moderator of the extremely unpopular Venango Happenings page. "We didn't call our page Venango Happenings for people to make our county sound worthwhile!" Plague has since seen an increase of 50 members ever since Jetfuel posted his satirical articles. The increased interest in the page is extremely frustrating to the moderator who has wanted to maintain the low following of 2 subscribers. "Now we actually will have people talking about the county! And it's all thanks to this journalist!" Bluebonnet Plague plans to remedy this situation by encouraging the mass increase in followers to continue posting uninteresting things about Venango County. It's unclear what positive impact Jeremy Jetfuels influence will have on the county. Venango Happenings was the most talked about page in the community with a following of about 2 subscribers. Ever since Jetfuel posted his 3 articles from the Venango Republic, Venango Happenings has gone viral with over 52 people following their page.

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