In a bold and characteristically confusing move, Mayor Blunders has proposed a new economic development plan that involves the destruction of the Veterans Memorial Bridge - not for replacement, beautification, or traffic flow - but to "create a bunch of jobs cleaning it up and building it back." "Yes, we could fix potholes or recruit new business," Blunders said at a press conference held outside City Hall, which also is the City Outhouse. "But that's boring. You know what's not boring? Blowing up a bridge and putting the whole town to work cleaning up the pieces. Jobs! Jobs everywhere!" The plan, titled "Operation Veteran Bridges Falling Down", would reportedly create dozens of local jobs, ranging from certified explosive technicians (aka "Boom Boom Ambassadors") to rubble removal specialists and emotional support liaisons for confused seagulls. Blunders believes the destruction will jumpstart a much-needed employment wave in the region. "You gotta think outside the box," he explained, "Or, in this case, blow the box into a river and then hire people to fish it out." Critics of the plan argue that the bridge is still widely used and kind of important. Speaker of the Venango County House of Representatives, the Mayors sister noted, "This is like burning your house down because you want a new dishwasher." Mayor Blunders responded by suggesting that house fires also create jobs, and then changed the subject to the possibility of blowing up the neighborhoods. PennDOT declined to comment directly but did fax the mayor a packet titled "How Bridges Work: A Beginner's Guide." If the plan passes, Blunders says construction of the new bridge wlill begin "as soon as we can find a guy with a crane and at least three people who own hard hats."' He also hinted at a groundbreaking ceremony featuring a kazoo band, free hot dogs, and a possible appearance by the town's only known juggler. Council will vote next month. Until then, the bridge remains standing - and the town, once again, is left wondering if the real infrastructure issue is in the mayor's head.

The engines are revving and the orthopedic inserts are locked in as the 30 Pack Assassins return with their legendary weekend of mini bike, pit bike, and go-kart racing — proving once again that just because you're on Medicare doesn't mean you can’t hit 30 mph on a gravel track. The action kicks off Friday, May 23rd under the lights from 7–10 p.m., with registration opening at 6 (or whenever someone finds their bifocals). Saturday’s racing runs from 12–6 p.m., featuring youth and adult class races — though most of the adults are more focused on where they left their blood pressure medication. Camping is just $15 a night, which includes restrooms, food vendors, and plenty of early bedtime stories told around the campfire — mostly about how things used to be “before all these fancy 4-strokes.” Mini bike class rules are clear: 225cc max, centrifugal clutch or belt torque converter, and helmets are a must — not to protect from falls, but to keep hairpieces from blowing off on the straightaway. Spectators get in free, and all guests must check in at the gate and sign a waiver, promising not to challenge anyone to a race without at least stretching first. So grab your folding chair, crack open a seltzer, and come see Limestones finest show the youth how racing was done back when gas was $0.89 a gallon. Located at LL Raceway 6531 Route 66 Fairmount City, Pa 16224. Memorial Day Weekend, age is just a number — until you try to stand up without grunting.

Well this is awkward.... We are the only satiracle news network in the county and somehow we managed to miss Clarks Oversized donut grand opening.... Here are the highlights..... Something happened at this location. We don't know what because we were not there. What we can determine based on the business Facebook page is that they opened their store and something happened. Not quite sure what..... Experts at the Venango Republic have assessed the situation and have concluded that they have no idea what happened at the grand opening. They are able to conclude that something probably took place, but they just don't know what it is. Upon observation of the website, we were able to determine this shop sells donuts leading to the conclusion that they sold some today. We cannot confirm this because we were not there. However, given the business platform, it is unlikely that customers who showed up were immediately turned away without a sale. Instead, we are confident that the owners who put on the grand opening instead sold product to the customers who came into their building. Unfortunately, we have no confirmation if this actually happened or not leaving us to speculate the entire result. The Venango Republic is also unclear if the business is really called Clarks Donuts. Based on the sign, it seems like that donut was whole at one point before someone took a bite out of it. If this is the case, we have to wonder if the business is actually called "Olarks Donuts." We will specify this detail once we recieve confirmation. Half Eaten Olarks Donut logo.....

The Something Clever fashion show kicked off this saturday with women showing up in droves. All ten female residents of Oil City showed up after making a 3 day journey across Route 8 in a red colored wagon being drug by a cat. The rest of the attendees were Franklin residents with vehicles capable of driving them around the block to Bella Cucina. The event kicked off with the resurrected corpse of Prince singing the National Anthem over the instrumental of Raspberry Beret. Prince stood on the bar during his performance but unfortunately broke his hip after attempting to do a crowd surf. Prince, who had his hip replaced in 2010, is now requesting workmans compensation from Bella Cucina and Something Clever who will likely not cover his injury since he has been declared legally dead since 2016. Living Prince about to break a hip... Following the unfortunate accident, the fashion show began with the unexpected appearence of Darth Vader. The owner of Something Clever was shocked by this occurance since his costume predates her youthful age by several decades. To prevent a potential lawsuit from Disney, the owner of something clever ordered the Ewoks in Bella Cucina's tree to shoot him down with their puny arrows. Vader unfortunately escaped. Actual images from today.... The second appearance of the event was the famous Jurassic World T-Rex..... Really Something Clever?????? Is this not already overused online?????? Not that clever.... Once all the satiracle costumes were photoshopped into the restaurant and removed, the festivities moved on to the actual designs. Several models walked down the aisle flaunting their irresistable beauty. Unfortunately, we do not have their consent to post images of them online. To make up for this, we have photoshopped other models we found on google over top of the existing models. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but we had to think of something clever...... We chose ugly costumes so you wouldn't choose something over Something Clever.... After the festivities, attendees made their way down to the new Something Clever shop where they lined up for nearly two store lengths...... Our county really is small...... Women lined up in 50 shades of gray.... Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm referring to their color you freaks! The doors opened unexpectedly and our lead journalist Jeremy Jetfuel was trampled to death like a Black Friday victim. Although Something Clever states this would be a "soft opening" they forgot this was a crowd with the female shopping complex. Jeremy Jetfuel posing for selfie with crowd that trampled him to death.... Fortunately, there was a wicken in the crowd who plays organ in a local Methodist church on Sundays. After various spells failed to resurrect Jetfuel, she spoke a prayer in gibberish which fortunately brought Jetfuel back to life. She later told us she is also half Pentecostal.... The women were given one hour to shop in the Something Clever store. They were done in 5 minutes. The only thing left in sight was a traumatized journalist who, in the process of writing this article, does not want to relive the events of this day. Inside Something Clever.... So this is your genius lair.... As for the husbands who were forced to attend this all female event, they were placed outside on the porch where they were refused any access to ESPN highlights. They were just as traumatized as Jetfuel. The impact of no baseball.... The event concluded with a champagne toast, a group photo no one saved, and an emotional speech from the Something Clever owner, who thanked everyone for attending despite the trauma, resurrections, and copyright infringement. As guests filtered out into the night, one Franklin husband was overheard whispering, “Next time I’m just staying home and reorganizing my sock drawer.” He too had to be resurrected after his wifes reaction to what he said. It was a fashion show Franklin will never forget — mostly because they’ll be talking about it until the next one happens next week.

In a recent study at Venango Campus, researchers were able to conclude that staying up all night could result in being tired the next day. According to sources, extending your awake time may result in an individual eventually becoming tired. Professors at Venango Campus believe this may be due to the decision not to sleep. Lead researcher Dr. Glenn Frazzle elaborated: “We found that after approximately 24 hours of continuous consciousness, the human body begins to exhibit signs of fatigue — such as yawning, eye bags, irrational crying, and subjects calling their ex.” The study involved 36 undergraduate volunteers who were forced to stay awake through a combination of energy drinks, emotional manipulation, and one guy slamming cymbals together while subjects were hogtied to a chair. Students were monitored closely to survey the impacts extended awakeness has on the human body. When some students complained they "did not sign up for this" professors were sure to tighten the gags so not to disrupt the experiment. Further study showed emotional fatigue as some students began to cry expressing fear that they would never escape. Professors were astounded by this display of emotion and decided to test the boundaries by obnoxiously slamming the cymbals next to those specific students constantly. The results showed complete panic in the students as they seemed to percieve the professors as some kind of danger to them. The professors felt that it was unsafe to untie the students in such an emotional state. Consequently, the students were given tiny doses of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia to help them sleep efficiently. After four days the subjects still did not wake up. They were later transported to Clarion University for further examination. Clarion University has called Venango Campus directly expressing vehemently that those conducting the study will face major consequences for performing such a practice on the deceased subjects. Not knowing what any of that meant, Professor Glenn Frazzle responded "how are the subjects doing? Are they awake yet?"

In a shocking turn of events, the industrial city of Pleasantville has officially dropped its emotional branding and rebranded itself as " Meh-santville ."  Town officials cited a decades-long shortage of anything remotely pleasant as the reason. “The name was getting people’s hopes up,” said Councilwoman Doris Blink, who hasn’t smiled since 1993. “We figured it was time to manage expectations.” The town motto has changed from “ A Pleasant Place to Live ”  to “Still Technically on the Map.” Consequently, the townfolk are much more relieved since they realized the original name actually had no merit at all. “It’s more honest,” said lifelong resident Glen Dud, while staring directly into the sun with no protection. “Pleasantville was a stretch. We’re more of a ‘nothing too horrible happened today’ kind of place.” The name change has taken a long time for the town to act on. Nonetheless, the people can rest easy now that they know it's the town that is the problem in addition to themselves.

In a bold new tourism initiative, the city of Oil City has announced the grand opening of its latest attraction: “ The Big Dry Hole ,”  a massive pit where oil once flowed — and where all economic promise now quietly decomposes. Mayor Blunders of Oil City is hopeful that the new attraction will draw tourists to the county in droves. With the population less than half of what it was 20 years ago, Blunders believes this hole is the key to bringing people back. "It's just like the Grand Canyon" says Mayor Blunders who thinks the Grand Canyon refers to the Cranberry Mall potholes, "the only difference between the two is it’s smaller, sadder, and full of broken dreams instead of tourists." Mayor Blunders has bet the Mayor of Titusville 50 dollars that this hole will increase tourism inevitably. Unfortunately, Blunders doesn't have such money because he still hasn't found the coffee can he keeps the city treasury inside. Two years later and that Maxwell House tin is still nowhere to be found. When asked if there was any plan beyond the pit to help revive the economy, Mayor Blunders offered a hopeful shrug and added, “If this doesn’t work, we’re opening a haunted corn maze made out of unpaid student loans.” The ribbon-cutting ceremony is scheduled for next Friday, assuming they can find scissors that haven’t been pawned.

The commissioner of Forest County has just announced plans to open an event center for chronically bored people. This is the first in a series of only one center which promises obsolutely no improvement to the county. The site will feature various activities where visitors will do absolutely nothing. The main attraction will be a lobby of eternal waiting where visitors will sit down and go absolutely nowhere. Secondly, visitors can participate in an escape room with no exits whatsoever. Participants will wonder how they got in the room just like they are wondering how they wound up in Forest County. As a final attraction to the facility, visitors may also visit the Museum of Lacking Businesses. Here visitors can see the major businesses they wish they could conveniently drive to such as the grocery store, gas station, and the emergency room. While visitors are enjoying their boredom inside the facility, they are given the unique experience of knowing what it is like to live in Marienville, an isolated town in Forest County. Juvenile delinquents from the Abraxas placement facility are instructed to make off with the customers cars which is something that happens a lot in Marienville thanks to Abraxas escapees. Don't believe us? Just ask the residents of Marienville..... Weekly events consist of an open mic night where the only guitar player in town plays for no one. Locals can also attend the Saturday morning sigh circle for deeper community bonding. Want the dating experience? Tinder doesn't exist because they still use rotary phones and a switchboard operator. You'll have to just hope and pray someone in your town falls in your age range.

Clarion Township is relieved to learn that the Loomis Bar is returning under new ownership. The best part being that those taking over are going to crazy measures ensuring that nothing insensitive ever happens again. The main feature of the bar will be emotional support bouncers who will be there to comfort anyone traumatized by insensitive retoric. Rather than the bouncers being big muscular men capable of thowing your average Clarion University student out the window, the bar has decided to hire doctorate level psychiatrists with a minor in philosophy. This way unwanted dirtbags using politically incorrect slangs can be rationally thrown out without physical agression. Another feature to the bar will be a juke box with an AI capable of guilt tripping anyone for choosing too much of that "white trash." The juke box will have a camera with facial recognition technology. If the same white person repetitiously chooses "white songs" without at least putting three "black songs" in the cue, that white person will be sucked into the jukebox with a giant vacuum and thrown out of town like the doofis from Loomis. If a black person chooses any "white song" the machine will automatically assume something is wrong with him because stereotyping is what we white people do best. The bar will also add a catholic confession window to the bathroom stalls for anyone who is even remotely racist. This way guilty parties can successfully relieve their souls as they relieve themselves. "We are not even beginning to scratch the surface of our antiracist defense systems" says Sage Moonblood, new owner of the Loomis Bar "we want the best technology in place to prevent any such event from happening again." The list is pretty long and we do not have time to cover all of it. Here is a bullet point list of the most important features to watch out for.... Diversity Dunk Tank where all white people must be drowned to death before entering Tasers that shoot from the floor shocking all white people to death when one white person makes insensitive statements about black people Tasers that shoot from the floor shocking all white people to death when one black person makes insensitive statements about white people Poisoned darts firing from the dart board when a white person tries to hum white music (Be diverse and pick some black songs you racist!) Poisoned darts firing from the dart board when a white person tries to hum black music (They have exclusive rights to that music.... You should not be humming their music you freaking racist!) Hair shaving technology that attacks any white person trying to pull off dreadlocks, afros, or flat tops Toilet paper embeded with razor sharp blades to unexpectedly cut anyone it detects as racist.... or white..... Trap doors that drops people into a dungeon where they will be isolated forever when they are detected as racist...... or white...... When asked if these measures were too extreme, Mr. Moonhood said "we have been racist for decades.... It's time to reverse the trauma......" It is unclear if Mr. Moonhead understands what antiracism is actually all about.... Nonetheless, we have the Loomis back meaning that the boneless chicken wings have returned! The bar is set to open as soon as all the new features are put into place. Until then, all racists must attend the other bars in town.

Local pothead Willis Highkite says he has mastered the ability to speak with plants. This came after years of unhealthy exposure through smoke inhalation caused his brain to become demented. "It was kind of like those superhero movies where the hero gets exposure to an unhealthy substance" says Highkite "in my case, instead of getting lung cancer, I developed the ability to talk to pot." According to Highkite, this ability is something he completely loses when he succumbs to a sober state. In that case, it is almost like his mind becomes rational and he can only talk to people instead. "I truly believe this power is a huge responsibility I must use wisely and unselfishly" says Highkite "my enemies are surely going to try to expose my identity and reak havok if I do not use my powers to stop them...." Yeah..... Highkite has no enemies, we already exposed his identity in this article, and he is technically high as we are speaking to him in this moment, so....... We aren't really convinced he can really talk to plants..... Our suggestion is for Highkite to maybe lay off the weed for a bit and maybe do yoga. This way he can achieve inner peace while also maintaining a sense of rationality..... Sober and out......

The Franklin Fine Arts Council has announced plans for a "Silent Disco" night for all local deaf people. The event will feature Disco music which will be muted since the deaf crowd won't be able to hear it anyway. All deaf individuals are welcome to attend and enjoy favorite sounds they have never heard before, and frankly.... Will never hear ever.... Musical favorites to be featured will include a muted version of Silent Night, A Quiet Moment, I Better Be Quiet Now, and What Was That? Speak Up! I Can't Hear You! I'm Deaf! Celebrity guest appearances will feature the skeletal remains of Ludwig Van Beethoven, Deff Leppard, Helen Keller and her dog AHHHHH, This Ear Is Numb, and our beloved DJ of the evening, Hearless Guinea Pig. Tickets on sale now...... TICKETS ON SALE NOW!!!!!! I said....... TICKETS ON SALE NOW!!!!!!! This event is completely made up without the express permission of the Franklin Fine Arts Council. All proceeds go to no one because this event is just a prank. The Venango Republic is not responsible for anyone dumb enough to take this article seriously. Call to reserve your seats today!

It's been 2 weeks since the war between Eastern Crawford and Venango County ended. The short lived conflict came as a result of a space race between Western PA's two major superpowers. Although the war crippled Oil Cities economy.... that is to say, we were already crippled but the war stole our wheel chair.... Mayor Blunders is now signing an executive order to reopen VASA (Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration). Mayor Blunders hopes to show the surrounding regions we can be the first to send animal life to space by stuffing pigeons inside little rockets. If Blunders is successful, he will achieve the honor of going before a judge for animal cruelty. Yes, sometimes innocent pigeons must die for the good of our town... Unfortunately, the town is 35 dollars in debt to Franklin thanks to the war with Eastern Crawford. Oil City also owes the City of Butler 45 dollars in gas for returning troops that accidentally attacked them instead of Titusville. Mayor Blunders apparently doesn't know the difference between North and South. With the extreme debt accumulated from the war efforts, many believe Mayor Blunders is getting ahead of himself with this concept of another space race. As much as we would like to see our Mayor forced out of office for animal cruelty, chances are, it is not going to happen due to the debt that exists. In the end, the only thing Blunders has successfully launched is Oil City’s reputation… straight into the dumpster at terminal velocity. But hey, if the pigeons survive, maybe they  can run for mayor.