A Foxburg resident says she successfully fixed her mailbox today after finding the time to do it. According to sources, the Mrs. Natalie Slowpoke had been trying to fix her mailbox all year after a slight breeze tilted it. As of today, she was able to go outside and stand it straight up. Slowpoke says she's not worried if the mailbox gets tilted sideways again. Given how much there is to do in the area, she states it will be a way to keep herself occupied. As for the neighbor, Mrs. Brickface states she is glad the mailbox is finally fixed given it was becoming an eyesore. With the house being the most kept up in town, it would be a shame to have it lose it's charm because of a tilted mailbox. Mrs. Slowpokes house In other news, Foxburg residents have nothing to talk about now that mailbox is fixed.

The capital of West Forest County has officially fallen into enemy hands as of 10 PM today. According to unreliable sources, two troops were sent from East Crawfords Capital of Titusville and invaded Tionesta without warning. Both troops were successful in breaking through defenses because Tionesta has none. Armed with two spitball launchers and muffin hand grenades, the two soldiers are now holding Tionesta hostage until Forest County agrees to surrender their valuable resources, whatever those may be. Marienville, Capital of Eastern Forest County, has requested aide from both Venango and Clarion County. Clarion states that they will not be involving themselves in the conflict because "they are an intelectual college town and do not waste their time on matters this stupid." Mayor Blunders of Oil City, the capital of Venango County, says that he will be supplying Forest County with weaponry as soon as Oil City can take out another loan of $25. Blunders has reached out to the City of Butler and Pittsburgh, both of which deny his existence because they are tired of hearing from him. Meadville, capital of West Crawford County, says they are shocked that their neighboring welfare city would go so far as to invade another county. The mayor of Meadville says that he can offer nothing but his thoughts and prayers at this time. We here at the Venango Republic however, recognize that this is just a way to sound concerned for a situation that is complete ludicrous. The residents of Tionesta are being held against their will. However, due to the weaponry being just two spitball guns and muffin hand grenades, locals have been able to come and go as they please. We are not quite sure why Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville is calling this a seige, but we will go along with it because it does make for decent satire.

Mayor Blunders of Oil City, and self declared President of his self proclaimed "Venango States of America" announced a new plan to fight the war on drugs. His solution? To pretend nothing is actually happening. "We recognize that drugs are running rampant in our community" states Mayor Blunders. "So much that it is just easier to ignore the issue all together." AD Mayor Blunders has recieved major support from the local drug lords who say that his neglect has helped their industry thrive. The founder and CEO of the Oil City cartel even expressed gratitude to Mayor Blunders for allowing him to pattent his recipe for fentanyl. According to Mayor Blunders, the drug problem is not going away any time soon. With this being a reality, he encourages everyone to do their part and "try not to say anything to impact his hopes of re-election."

A visitor from outside Venango County was given an unexpected surprise today when a pothole threw him twenty feet into a ditch. According to authorities, the man is ok but the pothole got away. This is the third time this week that a pothole endangered the lives of people on the road. The earliest report described a man in black suit with a long beard driving a horse buggy. Reports say the man was on his way home from church when he was swallowed whole. Fortunately, the buggy was spat out and is still usable. AD Authorities state that they are not going to hunt down the pothole responsible for the incidents which have been happening. According to sources, street cleaning has become too expensive making potholes the most logical way to dispose of waste. As for the drivers safety, officials suggest driving on the sidewalks to give the potholes their space. Sheriff Warewolf states that "as long as we give the potholes their space while allowing them to feed on nature, we can avoid becoming their lunch."

It's been four months since the mayor of Oil City signed an executive order to secede from the United States to form the Venango States of America. In that time, so much has been done to try and shape the identity of our new unrecognized nation. Mayor Blunders not only raised the county's military to 9 soldiers in preparation for a civil war that never took place, mainly because Washington did not take his secession seriously, but he also created the county's first Declaration of Independence, which he sent to the government with his tax return. Out of all the major moves Mayor Blunders has done to make this new nation stand out, the most recent seems to be one that will grab the attention of the locals. During a press briefing early Friday morning, Mayor Blunders declared cornhole as the new national sport. Venango County residents were thrilled by the news, seeing that they have no money to afford any other kind of sport. "We are so thrilled to be identified by this competitive competition," states one local who hasn't eaten in a month. "To be called a nation that identifies as home of the cornhole champions is a title to be proud of." AD Obviously, nobody is calling this nation the "home of the cornhole champions" because we don't have cornhole champions, and we are not recognized as an independent nation. Unfortunately, Mayor Blunders has instilled this delusion in the local residents that we are an independent nation and the community is eating it up. One resident was seen earlier this week waving a plain white flag and wearing a t-shirt that says "weave gut ur cornhole." When asked if the resident realized that a plain white flag meant surrender, he replied, "It isn't plain. It has stains all through it from me blowing my nose!" There is no doubt that the community is excited about the idea of becoming an independent nation. Fortunately for the welfare users, the United States government has not recognized our independence. With welfare being the second highest inflow of finances for the county next to drugs, we can be sure that our infrastructure will not be impacted any time soon.

The impoverished state of small town western Pensylvania has just seen it's first example of "beyond hope" as a sidewalk in Oil City has permanantly closed for business. According to sources, this sidewalk could not justify staying open due to the lack of people walking on it this past year. "Oil City has struggled to maintain an infustructure to sustain industry" states Wokall Overme, a local advocate for silent treatment. "Sidewalks have families too and need business to justify their existence." Unfortunately, the sidewalk was unable to justify staying even with the Mayor pleading for it to reconsider. Sources say that the section of pavement has already taken a job with the Cleveland Browns where it is sure to be walked over all the time.

You know your county is small when the best news you can come up with is two cars gently coliding at a slow speed. Mind you, that dent looks expensive. But wow! You really got to sell this one with some big words if you want to make it news worthy. And life moves on. What a sophisticated way to say that two dudes wrecked, exchanged insurance, and moved on with their day. Could you imagine if something major happened? You might actually have something worth writing about! Also, it is doubtful that Explore Clarion caught wind of this event before driving across the county to get this story. The author was probably just out for lunch when he passed the two exchanging information. Way to take a picture of a not so worthy story without the consent of the drivers! If I was desperate for a story I'd probably take the first lame thing to drop in my lap too. I can see why you like to fish that way....

It's not just any sculpture. It is a cow that has withstood the test of time. Not that much time and not that many tests considering it just sits in a field and gets rained on a few times a year. Nevertheless, this figure has been Sligo's biggest claim to fame drawing a whopping nobody every year. How significant is this cow you ask? Oh.... You didn't ask because it isn't that interesting? That's ok because we're going to tell you anyways because Explore Clarion thought it was worth your time. There's actually nothing significant about this cow. It just sits in a field and does absolutley nothing. In fact, the only reason an article was written about it in the first place is because Clarion had nothing big going on this week to talk about. Why in world would you invest your energy in an article about fourth of July weekend when you can write about a cow? What is most notable about this cow is that it has an udder but no nipples because somebody cut them off. We know this because one of our staff members grandmothers told us so. Just look closely and you'll notice the cow boob with no sqeezy hoses to milk the darn thing. In addition to its mastectomy, the cow features some leaves around it's neck that never seem to blossom. This begs the question as to why we named this creature "Blossom" in the first place. According to Explore Clarion, no one seems to know who keeps up with the cow. The structure was built in the 70s to promote a business and remains standing despite the business not existing anymore. However, Explore Clarion paints the upkeep as some kind of unsolved mystery. No official editor prevents stupid lines from making their way into Explore Clarion's articles, but their continued "DUH" statements suggests someone is writing them. What? Is it not the property owner? Did the guy who owns the land tell you the lawn mows itself? "We have no idea who keeps up with the cow. All we know is that the grass stays cut, the cow stays fed, and the udders stay trimmed. We thought about asking the random guy who shows up to mow our lawn without permission. We expect he could tell us if he has seen anyone taking care of the cow. Unfortunately, we have been too busy to approach him the last 50 years." Despite the cow not having much appeal to draw people outside of the county, Explore Clarion seems to think that people driving by are somehow reminded of the significance of dairy life. "All these kids nowadays glued to their phones. When I was a kid, we had dairies to keep us entertained. Time's were so much simpler then. You kids don't know what it was like back when we had dairies. You come from a time where we get milk from the store. Where do you think that comes from? Certainly not from a building housing cows." Could Explore Clarion afford to commend this cow with just an article about it's existence? Obviously not! This is the biggest thing Sligo has going for it. It deserves so much more media attention. We need to post drone footage to Clarion's major news Facebook page to make this seem like a Manhattan skyling. Udderless cow from every possible angle And there you have it! The glorious pride of the industrial city of Sligo. A cow made of fiberglass which cannot udder a word because they have been trimmed above the curcumcision point. Interestingly enough, we are praising this cow yet have not bothered to ask it's backstory. Fortunately, we here at the Venango Republic have gathered sources to explain what lifestyle this cow lived before coming to Sligo. Viewer discretion is advised.....

Police are searching for a man who robbed Venango's wealthiest citezens during the county's annual ball. According to sources, the anonymous figure showed up to the event wearing the county's best idea of a tuxedo. Spectators noted how finely dressed the man seemd in his ripped overalls and coffee stained blazer. Shortly after recieving compliments from all five attendees, the man pulled a shotgun out of a gun case he was non-chalantly carrying with him. Witnesses say that the man demanded the crowd hand over their valuables citing that he had a shotgun in the case he was holding. Taken back by the surprise of a gun being inside the gun case, the crowd did not hesitate to hand over their plastic beed jewelry and duct tape wallets. Sources say that the criminal made off with at least five dollars in valuables. "I was very disapointed to lose my necklace" states Marsha Marsha Marsha. "Those beeds were passed down to me from my grandmother who inherited them from the craft store in the plastic beed section. They have been in my family for at least 3 generations; my grandma, my mom who we skipped to give the beeds to me, and my generation." Fortunately, Marsha Marsha Marsha's beeds were covered by a very reliable insurence broker who promises to replace the necklace when he is out of school and when his mommy can take him to the store. As for the criminal behind the theft, police say they have no leads whatsoever. "We are extremely upset" says the event coordinator. "Not only do we have no leads to catch this robber, but he accidentally left his watch with his name inscribed. He did sign the guest list after showing his ID. However, we do not have a number to contact him so he can pick up his belongings. Not only are we unlikely to catch this criminal, but he is also missing a very expensive time keeping device worth at least fifteen dollars."

The city council met this week to discuss public concerns on the monthly agenda. Each member of the council was present including speaker of the Venango County House of Representative, who is the Mayors sister. Officials were able to resolve nothing due to the towns 30 year tradition of doing nothing to progress the towns declining state. To capitalize on this lack of progress, the Mayor suggested ordering pizza believing that the city budget list was a coupon or Leonardo's. The pizza was delivered on time. The delivery driver accepted the budget list believing it was his overdue taxes. Consequently, the council has not seen the list, but for some reason, recieved a substantial amount of money from some random pizza delivery guy. "We don't know why this pizza man gave us this large sum of thirty dollars" states the speaker of the Venango County House of Representatives. "All we know is that it was exactly what was needed to pay back Franklin for replacing our towns only telephone." As for the pizza delivery man who was accidentally given the towns budget list, he says that it was no big deal for him to pay to cover the city expenses. "I used to live in Oil City before making it big as a pizza delivery driver" says the man who balanced the budget. "I understand what it is like to work an 8 hour shift and only come home with a slice of toast to feed your family. I felt that taking a small chunk out of my fortune could at least help promote the town to a third world status again." Unfortunately, the third world status will not last long before future debts drop the city back to a 10th world state. In the meantime, Mayor Blunders states that he it eternally grateful to the pizza driver for covering the city debts for the month of July.

What began as a typo-riddled Facebook rant about potholes has accidentally snowballed into the region’s largest unofficial community gathering of the year. Local resident Marvin Blintz, 63, intended to post, “Someone should fix these craters before I lose a tire and my religion,” but autocorrect intervened. The post read: “Someone should fix these caters! I lose attire and my region!” Naturally, residents assumed Marvin was hosting an outdoor fashion swap and regional potluck. Dozens of locals showed up at his driveway Saturday morning with casseroles, scarves, and a full karaoke setup. “I thought it was one of those new minimalistic bartering events,” said Sheila Dumpkin, who traded a crockpot for a half-used hoodie. Despite Marvin's initial confusion, the event continued for six hours, featuring a sidewalk clothing pile, a rigged chili competition, and a guy named “Jeff the DJ” who refused to play anything but Kid Rock remixes. City officials were unsure how to classify the event. “It’s either a flash mob or a regional potluck protest,” said one council member. “Either way, the turnout was better than last year’s Founder’s Day.” Marvin has since embraced the misunderstanding and announced plans for an annual “Fix the Caters” event. “I still don’t know what we were celebrating,” Marvin said, “but I haven’t had this much unsolicited human interaction since 1993.”

Why risk getting arrested for your role in a pyramid scheme where you make millions scamming people below you? Introducing the reverse pyramid scheme! A multi-level marketing strategy where you do the work, but send your money to employers you hire above you! It's just as insane for the person investing their time, and technically just as rewarding as for people who go bankrupt in a normal pyramid scheme! Here's how it works; You hire two people to be your employers. Those two people then hire two people each to be their employers. The people they hire also hire two employers a piece. Eventualy, the people at the bottom of the upside-down pyramid ask "what the Hell was I thinking?" Just listen to these testimonials of people caught at the bottom of the reverse pyramid.... "I was making money before I hired two employers who later hired their own employers. Now I make nothing because all my money goes to the higher ups." "I originally invested thousands in a traditional pyramid scheme but found the people above me made all the money. I now switched to a reverse pyramid scheme and discovered the same result. It's almost like this shape is a curse!" You too can be a part of that curse if you sign up today. What's the benefit? Nothing unless you are at the top! So make that nonsensical decision now so you can start wasting time and effort on something you will never make money from! Just listen to the helpless situation the CEO of this company finds himself in..... "I am incredibly optimistic after losing millions to the people getting hired to be the bosses of my bosses. I am sure that just a few more levels will help me break even. Then, I can pay off the debt collectors and get my wife back!" Don't delay! This offer will only last as long as people are stupid enought to try it!