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City Hall, which also acts as the City Outhouse, caught fire today as Mayor Blunders lit a match inside. The Mayor was sitting on the throne inside the structure when a power surge caused the lights to go out. After lightning a match, fumes from the defecation below ignited causing the building to go up in flames. The Mayor managed to escape the building with his pants pulled up. Unfortunately, he sat down and immediately realized that he forgot to wipe. There were no burns or bruises from the incident. However, having no change of clothes, the Mayor was forced to hold a press briefing with a brown stretch mark visible on the back of his slacks. After 15 minutes, the entire structure exploded with fecal matter flying everywhere. Towns folk are furious that the city now smells just as bad as it looks. The spread of feculence across the neighboring areas undid the recent civic improvements. Last week, the Venango Republic reported an overhead dove dropping a turd that covered Oil Cities eyesores. Today's explosion of fecal matter undid the improvements. An investigation is being conducted to determine why the power surge happened so early in the day. According to Mayor Blunders, the power only goes out when the Christmas lights on the bridge suck the energy from the rest of the town. The lights don't go on till after 7 making the recent events somewhat confusing. Fund raisers are being held later today to help produce a new City Hall. The new design will include a Bidet Toilet Attachment (a device old people use to wash their genitals). The device will ensure that in the case of a fire, the Mayor can effectively clean his rear and douse the flames at the same time.

Oil City has worked hard the last few years to create appeal in the micro version of the Detroit slums. One of the most recent attempts was dipping into funds to purchase Christmas lights for the bridge. Unfortunately, it's been years since the lights were purchased and nobody seems to go out of their way to visit our town just to see a dollar general spectacle. We here at the Venango Republic typically fabricate our numbers for satirical humor. However, after doing genuine research, we found the reality of what Oil City spent on these lights to be more hysterical than our usual claim that they went to Dollar General. According to GoErie... And this is actually true... The Oil City Main Street Program spent 88 thousand dollars to put lights on this ugly bridge! Don't believe us? Here's the source ! Might I remind you that many of the Oil City residents are on welfare because the towns jobs keep leaving. With several vacant buildings, and hundreds of Northside houses that are ready to cave in, the Oil City Main Street Program thought your best interest was to spend 88 thousand on a bridge that's a far cry from a golden gate wonder. Wow! Maybe there is a Mayor Blunder after all... It's no surprise city enthusiasts will respond by saying "I like the lights. They are pretty and do the town justice." Agreed... Taking Chris Hemsworth and placing him next to a 70 year old cancer patient on chemo does sound appealing. But when given a choice between spending 88 thousand on superior treatment or Chris Hemsworth, which do you think is in the best interest of the patient? Maybe the lights do the town justice. But does the condition of the town justify the lights? May I remind you what your average house on the Northside looks like? Beautiful isn't it... Now let's spend 88 thousand to illuminate a bridge no one cares about instead of helping the residents fix this eye sore. When creating the Venango Republic, some wondered how we would manage to write comical material on a regular basis. The truth is, we only write half... Local businesses like the Oil City Main Street Program do the rest for free... According to the OCMSP website , the lights were installed in August of 2017. In describing the lights they say "Oil City Center Bridge, known for its captivating light displays..." That is to say, known by all five people who drive by to get to Rouseville... "offers a unique opportunity for individuals and organizations to customize the bridge’s colors for special events or causes." Special events like the major corn hole tournaments that draw 5 people. And as for causes, I don't think they're talking about urban development... The real issue here is that placing lights on the bridge is not doing anything to fix the town. There is a whole stretch of vacant property just on this side of Seneca Street. Google image cause we were too lazy to drive and take the picture. That is just one minute portion of town. There are several other portions that have been vacant for years. Instead of drawing in business, we put lights on a bridge for a place that is anything but a tourist trap. What do you think will happen when people drive by and see the lights? Let's just say some outsider miraculously drives by at 9 PM when businesses are closed. Do you honestly think they're going to overlook the ugliness of the town and tell their friends in Erie "I just saw this bridge with lights! How about we explore that sketchy town that has nothing to do?" People driving by are going to look at the bridge, then look at the town and say "that looks unsafe" before driving off. Oil City, drawing in business is the key and you have failed yet again... Might as well quit while you're behind.

We here at the Venango Republic strive for the most accurate satirical information on public affairs. If word would spread that our sarcastic platform was misleading people, our reputation would be at stake. Consequently, when a local woman pointed out to us that there are people in the county with an education higher than the second grade, our two writers drew back in horror, so much that our faces depicted surprise in Facebook shock emoji fashion as seen in the picture below. A local woman who we will refer to as Sonofa Beach, commented on the Venango Happenings Facebook page (page that shares uneventful things). According to Beachboy "there are plenty of smart people residing in the county. I for instance have a degree from a university. Our county is not that dumb." Our two writers were perplexed by this claim. Could we have been misleading people with false information about the educational status of the culture in the surrounding region? Our two writers looked at eachother with the same Facebook shock emoji faces as seen in the picture below. These characters do not turn their heads very well. The Venango Republic was unable to verify the claims of Miss Beachhead. Although it is shocking that a resident of Venango County actually knows what a university is, we could not prove she was even smarter than a fifth grader. Nonetheless, we genuinely wanted to know... If Venango County residents "are not that dumb" then how dumb are they? There were some things that completely surprised us by Miss Beachbuckle. For instance, Miss Beachball stated our claim of Venango County only having 52 residents was way off. According to Miss Beachbody, Venango County "has 49 thousand residents." This number completely blew us away! How is it a Venango County resident can count so high? Recent studies showed that the average resident thinks that 52 is the same as infinity. Are we really this misinformed? We must admit we don't have any statistical analysts on our staff. Our two writers have degrees in communications and as far as we were aware, no one in Venango County graduated the second grade. Despite lacking credentials, we still researched this matter further. According to this fabricated chart by Google, Venango County actually has 49 residents with a line running through the numbers 431. You were right Miss Beachbumb. We were off on our calculations. There's actually less residents than we thought. We will try to report this going forward. As it pertains to the educational status of each citizen, the Venango Republic went to all 49 residents and confirmed only one made it to the third grade. This brings into question whether Miss Beachbottom is actually from Venango County. We know that the Venango Happenings Facebook page only has one genuine follower. The rest are just bots they purchased from a third party website. Could it be Miss Beachbat is that one person? According to Bluebonnet Plague, moderator of the extremely unpopular Venango Happenings Facebook page, it's unlikely since she can comprehend 49 thousand as a number and knows what a university is. This just goes to show you can't trust everything you read.

The inaugural ceremony for newly elected Mayor Koala Bearis was ready to commence today when Mayor Blunders made an unexpected announcement. Blunders, who has faced scrutiny in the press for encouraging supporters to rush City Hall , which coincidentally is also the City Outhouse, held a press briefing today where he left the county in shock. "I have proof the election was rigged" says Mayor Blunders. At first, many dismissed this as a debunkable claim like the many he's made this week. That is until he stated "I added two extra votes to the box!" The crowd of three people drew back in horror when he made this announcement. "The election was rigged!" shouted one reporter "elections can't be trusted!" The two extra votes dishonestly placed into the ballot box explains why the final tally consisted of 24 ballots when Oil City only has 22 residents. Blunders decision to tamper with the election made little difference considering he still lost 15 to 9. Nonetheless, residents of Oil City are furious with the rigging, so much that supporters of Bearis are changing to support Blunders instead. "This doesn't make any sense" says Bearis "he literally admits to rigging the election, and everyone is turning against me... I literally played by the rules." When asking former Bearis supporters why they are turning on their candidate for the dirty deeds of Blunders, our reporters could not make any sense of their rationale... We'll just share the quote and let you try to make heads or tails of it... "We believe in fair and honest elections and are extremely put off with the fact someone would stoop to doing such a dirty deed like Blunders did. The difference is that Blunders suspected fraud all this time and we didn't listen. Even Bearis dismissed the claim! We can only support the candidate who knows how to detect when something is wrong. Blunders knew something wasn't right and took immediate action!" Professors from Clarion University have gone over this quote line for line trying to figure out what the heck this means. So far, 6 University Professors have been admitted to a mental institution. Speaker of the Venango County House of Representatives, Blunders sister, objected to the recent notion that Bearis should step aside. The House Speaker hates her brother and is demanding further evidence be presented. In response to the House Speakers request, Blunders had a gut feeling that the evidence might be found in Koala Bearis's mail box. Bearis, who claims to have nothing to hide, permitted access to the mailbox. Inside were discovered two letters. One congratulating Bearis on winning the election. The other with the inscription "I Koala Bearis Steel Electons sined Koala Bearis." Both letters were in Blunders handwriting. Witnesses say they saw Blunders putting something into Bearis's mailbox the night before. Blunders admits that he did put the letter congratulating Bearis in the mailbox. As for the second letter, he believes Bearis wrote that letter while forging his handwriting so he would be blamed. The evidence was presented to the Venango County Supreme Court, which only consists of Blunders mom. The court ruled in Blunders favor. Blunders will once again be inaugurated tomorrow morning for his 8th term in Oil City. Bearis, who moved to this town as a Harvard graduate to make a difference, is perplexed by the rationale of the citizens. He... She... We're not quite sure what Bearis is... But that person says they now realize this town is insane. "You people sound like you fell out of a coconut tree. HA-HA-HA!" stated Bearis before stepping into a vehicle and driving off a cliff. The residents of Oil City were furious by this comment. "We don't have coconut trees in Oil City! We were dropped on our heads by our moms!" Stated Blunders in his a press briefing following the events.

The City Hall is under siege as we speak! Mayor Blunders, who rallied six supporters outside the Outhouse this morning, encouraged residents to protest his recent election loss. Mayor Blunder is convinced his opponent, Koala Bearis, stole the election. The electoral college, that is to say Venango Campus, announced yesterday that Blunders lost in a 15 to 9 landslide. Blunders pointed to the fact that there are only 22 residents in Oil City and that the election results show 24 people who voted. It is unclear how 2 extra votes wound up in the electoral college voting box. Experts at the Venango County Campus suggest that perhaps Russia tampered with the results. Venango Campus is owned by Clarion University. When asking the University president his thoughts on this idea, he stated "this is exactly why we don't talk about Venango Campus... We didn't know what we were getting into when we bought them, and we would appreciate it if you stopped reminding people they are associated with our University..." Mayor Blunders speech was just minutes before a ruling that would declare Bearis Mayor of Oil City. Blunders encouraged supporters to march onto City Hall, which coincidentally, is also the City Outhouse. The Venango County House of Representatives Leader, who also is Blunders sister, was just about to declare Bearis as Mayor when a crowd of 6 people rushed into the Outhouse. Local police fired 6 rounds of spitballs at the intruders before barricading themselves in the toilet with Blunders sister. The siege lasted 2 hours before protestors left. Kuala Bearis will be inaugurated later this week giving Blunders only that much time to plead his case that the election was stolen. Blunders plans to appeal to the Venango County Supreme Court. This may be advantageous to Blunders since the only judge on the board is his mother. If Kualo Bearis is inaugurated, she... Maybe he... We aren't quite sure... They, will be the first black native American transphobic transgender descended from Japanese Scottish immigrants who also descended from wolves to run for political office. Local Democrats believe diversity says a lot about how far we have come as a county, considering we have never had a black native American transphobic transgender descended from Japanese Scottish immigrants who also descended from wolves run for political office before.

Recently, an anonymous subscriber shared one of our articles to a Venango County group. The admins of the group were gracious to aprove the post our fan submitted, which means, they either didn't read the article, or know how to take a joke. It wasn't long after that disgruntled residents voiced their disapproval of the article . One objector commented "Instead of focusing on the negative, let's highlight the many successes of Venango county and the dedication of its people. Not funny just plain rude Yours truly. Scrappy Joe." We here at the Venango Republic agree entirely with Scrappy Joe's comment. We want nothing more than to highlight the "many successes of Venango County." The problem is, there aren't any... By the way... If you think "Scrappy Joe" is a name we made up to avoid a defamation lawsuit, here's a picture proving someone actually said this. Another commenter also voiced their disapproval because they didn't get the memo that freedom of the press exists. The commenter, who we will refer to as Karen Godless of The Underworld, stated in her comment "what a awful story so rude, so dismissive, such trash. - would never read an article published by them again. the "humor" wasn't funny it was just sad." It's ok Godless of The Underworld. You don't have to read our content. We'll just publish what you say and others can read about you instead. As it pertains to Scrappy Joes comment, we would love nothing more than to stop highlighting the negative things that scar Venango Counties reputation. Unfortunately, people have been trying to highlight the few (and I mean VERY FEW) positive things about the county for nearly three decades. The very fact that your local Subway, PNC Bank, and Pizza Hut, which were all on the same Seneca Street stretch, have left Oil City in less than 7 years of eachother should be a clear insight that your enthusiastic approach is not working. Mind you, the same stretch of Street also lost a parking garage roughly a decade ago because the City couldn't afford to hold it together. These are not insults. These are just hysterical facts. Oil Cities decrepit state is something we here at the Venango Republic would love to see turned around. Unfortunately, it seems the only way to accomplish this is to make fun of the local denial we are observing in people like ScrappyJoe. Telling outside entrepreneurs "we used to have industry" isn't going to bring people back. If you find that statement offensive, don't watch Jimmy Carr or Family Guy. We don't want to see you die of a heart attack. About the only part of Venango County worthy of respect is Franklin. Despite being small and isolated, nobody there is pretending they live in a thriving community. Plus, unlike Oil City, they actually retain businesses you would not expect to see there. For instance, there is a guitar store that has been in business for more than 4 years. And it's not the only music store in town! They also have a variety of several restaurants. Unlike Oil city that has only one, along with a bunch of sketchy bars that look like meth labs. What makes Franklin so great is that they put in an effort to attract businesses. They do this without acting like they're the biggest thing since rubber gloves. Franklin just exists and accepts the fact they're never gonna be what they were. That's probably why we practically never make fun of them. When businesses close in Franklin, they do what they can to replace them. Unlike Oil City, who let's buildings stand desolate while investing public funds in Christmas lights for the bridge and a fountain that doesn't attract tourists. Oh! And don't forget plaques around town that inform people that industry used to be here! What's holding Oil City back is people like Scrappy Joe and his accompliss Karen Godless of The Underworld. If we can get people like them to see that recognizing a problem is not offensive, that people like the Venango Republic have the right to speak, and that problems like them have the right to remain silent, then maybe Oil City can find a better thing to boast in than the fact that "we used to be great." I doubt it, but we are trying. At least with our satire, the Venango Republic makes the county sound interesting to outsiders. We joke about our deficiencies, and outsiders will eventually be curious to check us out. That's a more genuine approach than acting like you're great because your town used to be great. It goes without saying that Oil City will never be what it was unless Elon Musk decides to give us 2 percent of his paycheck. However, this doesn't mean Oil City can't resolve the extreme welfare problem. No, I'm not judging people for being on welfare. I am judging the town for investing in fountains rather than business. There are a lot of good people in Oil City. Many of them share this view that Oil City is not the biggest thing since dialup internet. They like the community, but are not too self absorbed to admit the story of decline is comedy gold. Many people would like to see interesting businesses other than "Martha's Hand Made Coasters" come to town. Craft stores are nice, but when that's literally all you have, your efforts to attract tourists are unjustified. Just quit while you're behind. If that's the kind of town you want to be, then fine. But stop making what you used to be such a big deal because you're not impressing anyone. Oil Heritage Fest is counterintuitive because your town inherited nothing. The oil dried up and your ancestors left... Not something to brag about...

Venango County has another claim to fame! According to the Guinness Book of Fabricated World Records, the Cranberry Mall has the world's deepest pothole. "This has been our goal all along" said the Mall Owner, who may not have actually said the quote we made up "Venango County residents have been complaining for years about us neglecting to fix these potholes. They don't realize we were trying to bring notoriety to our town." The Mall's original goal was to achieve the most roof leakages. Unfortunately, they were beat out by some pawn shop in Detroit. Striving for this goal caused the local Sears to go out of business in 2017. The pothole is now approximately 59 feet deep with a radius wider than a semi truck. "We want this pothole to keep growing till it's at least the size of Mount Rushmore." Says the man who didn't actually say this. "If we can achieve this depth, we will have a monument for tourists to visit."

Earlier this week, mayor Blunders signed an executive order to build a dam across the Allegheny River. Stopping the water flow was Blunders way of cutting off Pittsburghs water supply. The hope was to force Allegheny County to surrender their claims to the Allegheny River so that Blunders could officially name it the "Gulf of Venango." Blunders plans have backfired with the nearby town of Rouseville now 6 feet deep in water. Blunders stated in a press briefing today that "if the Hoover Dam created a lake that destroyed miles of populated territory, the Blunder Dam is justified in doing the same." Mayor Blunders considers the "newly formed lake" an achievement for Venango County. "We set out to send Pittsburgh a message, and now, we not only cut down their water supply, but have a new lake as well." Mayor Blunders is signing an executive order later this afternoon which will officially name the body of water covering Rouseville "Lake Weed" a reference to the possible pot heads he drove out of the territory. Now that Blunders has successfully destroyed an entire town, many are wondering why he doesn't just name the new body of water "Gulf of Venango." Blunders states that he wants to show the world that Venango County is a superpower not to be triffled with. He says that having the entire stretch of river named after the county will show the rest of the state that we are bigger than Pittsburgh.

Franklin residents are furious at the election results! So much so, that 4 years after Trumps loss, they are still gathering outside the Franklin courthouse to protest. "We aren't quite sure what economic outcomes came from Bidens election in 2020" says Margaret Mifflefeffer "the counties only internet router broke less than a month after the election and nobody in Venango has access to outside news." All the protestors know is that there surely was fraud that they will not stand for! The massive protest consisted of two elderly women holding up signs that said "STOP THE STEEL!" We didn't have the heart to correct their spelling... The protestors stood outside for 12 hours. They indented to be there for thirty minutes but locked themselves out of their car. "My hip hurts so bad" says Jenifer Jellyfish "but I know we were locked out of our cars for a reason. If God intended us to stand for 12 hours then I am not ashamed." In the span of the 12 hours Mifflefeffer and Jellyfish report that a total of three cars passed them. Nobody joined their protest.

Jason Bourne, advertising specialist for the Venango Republic, came extremely close to being reported for associating with our satirical news site. This last Sunday, Bourne posted three of our articles to the Venango Happenings Facebook page. The articles managed to go viral receiving an average of three likes per post. In spite of this positive public response, one user tried to get him fired from his job. A follower on the Venango Happenings page named "IAMA PRICK" tried to nonchalantly ask Bourne "so... Where do you work???" Our advertising specialist, who recently took up the alias of Jason Bourne to protect his reputation, refused to answer the suspicious question. "As someone who has starred in four popular action movies, three of which are good, I was too smart to fall for this clever attempt to make me spill information" says Bourne "I saw the question and was like 'WOW! It's bad enough they can see my name 'John Barrymore' as the guy who shared the link. But I don't need these people knowing I work at the Oil City Pizza Hut located at 394 Seneca St, Oil City PA 16301 and whose phone number is (814) 676-0617... If people were to know that, they would surely walk in or call to complain. Then I would lose my job as the guy who grates the cheese!" The Venango Republic has taken this matter seriously, and for the sake of Barrymore's identity, changed his name on our site to Jason Bourne. "They say with great power comes great responsibility" says Barrymore (Bourne) "We have a lot of power to make Venango County sound interesting by making fun of the fact that it isn't. Just like Batman, I have to wear the mask of Jason Bourne so that people don't find out I'm John Barrymore who works at the Oil City Pizza Hut located at 394 Seneca St, Oil City PA 16301 and whose phone number is (814) 676-0617. This is not just about my safety, but also the reputation of where I work and the people I love.

An anonymous pigeon was seen flying over Oil City today when the unthinkable happened. According to eye witnesses, the pigeon dropped a massive turd covering half of the ugliness that exists. "This was a major answer to prayer" says one resident we made up for the sake of this quote "I have to walk outside every day. It takes every bit of my willpower not to vomit by what I see!" Mayor Blunder is especially happy by what he has observed. According to blunder, a pigeon is the city version of a dove, which in ancient times, symbolized purity. "I understand that city pigeons are filthy animals" says Mayor Blunder "but they are the closest thing we have to pure in this town. That's why I truly believe that turd was sent by God." Oil City has been neck and neck with the city of Cleveland for the title of ugliest town. Although both towns now have poop associated with their reputation, Mayor Blunder believes this turd is an exception. "Bird poop is white life a dove. This turd literally covered up what was making us compete with Cleveland." Cleveland on the other hand, is known for the sewage they historically pumped into the Cuyahoga River , the river that runs through Cleveland (DUH!). Cleveland has become so famous for their poop infested river, their professional football team is named the Browns. When asked if he would consider naming Oil Cities major sports team after the pigeon poop that fell, Mayor Blunder stated "what major sports team?"

You read that correctly! Even when verbally speaking Mayor Blunder manages to misspell the word "are." Oil City residents were blown away today when they observed what seemed to be an unfamiliar car driving through town. The last time an outsider entered this county, the major highway connecting Oil City and Franklin wasn't a giant pothole. Mayor Blunder was sitting in the City Outhouse, which coincidentally is also City Hall, signing executive orders and relieving himself when he got the news. "I got out of my seat and looked out that moon shaped window with excitement" said Mayor Blunder "I completely forgot to wipe before pulling up my pants!" It seems the Venango Republic is really making a difference for the county. If outsiders really are driving through in curiosity, we can be certain there will be more. They may not stay after taking a glimpse, but they will come none the less.