The city of Pithole, known for praising the remains of their field, is requesting the Mainstreet nonprofit to come to thier city. The initiative was requested after Mayor Isolate argued the need for civic improvements. "The Mainstreet program is known for revitalizing towns" states the Mayor, who won by default with no citezens to vote. "We need several buildings, a new city hall, and residents to live here if possible." So far, the Mayor has raised 25 cents after finding a quarter while mowing the lawn. Although more would be desired, he says that he is patient to rebuild his town one wheat penny at a time. "My vision is to give my citezens a night club they can visit, a theatre, and the best fine dining the world has ever seen this side of the Clarion border." States the Mayor. "I was elected because I am devoted to the great people of Pithole.... Wherever they may be...."

A shoe theft involving an anonymous woman made headlines when Explore Clarion revealed her name. According to reports, the person we will refer to as Miss Shoe Shine, is facing felony charges after swapping her crapy flip flops with used shoes that Explore Clarion referred to as new.... Does ExploreClarion understand how donations work? Several comments flooded Explore Clarions article from people who obviously only read the headline. Opinions were made, disputes were ignited, and much like the shoes that were stolen, nothing said seemed to fit the narrative. Here is what Clarion thinks about the shoe woman. The first woman on our list used her Sherlock Holmes wit to determine what the thief was likely looking for.... Well done Jo! Who would have guessed. The next commenter cited the quality of the items sold at Goodwill and their condition. Technically, we think everything is used. However, if a person goes to Walmart, buys something new, then donates it to Goodwill, then it is not used now is it Wayne? That is, unless staff at Goodwill unpackages the item, use is for a second, and then mark it as such. Maybe Wayne knows something..... Clarion's resident philosopher theorized she must be homeless, because obviously every crime in Clarion has to double as a Hallmark special. Once again the Clarion Facebook comments are the new Department of Human Services. So now stealing $3.99 shoes is apparently a public service announcement. Melorra chimed in hoping to redefine our understanding of stealing. Trading is trading, even if the store is not aware you want to trade, and even if your proposed item is complete trash. Just curious... Why doesn't the manager consider trading for a pair of Nike's that have the tread peeling off? Other commenters proposed charitable acts towards the woman even though they have never met before. Congratulations Keith. Your comment just earned thirteen likes for your sacrifice of 3.99. If only Rick had the money himself. I award you thirty four likes for hoping even though you offered nothing. Kim, thank you for wishing. But due to the fact you didn't read the article, I will only award you seven likes for your wish. Obviously? If my son steals a bag of Dorito's from Sheetz, does he "obviously" need them just because they cost 5 bucks? I award you one like! That's probably why the shoes are 3.99 Jason. And I do not approve of your 26 likes! Amber alert! Aparently blaming the store makes the thief guiltless.... Because when you drop off a box of useless junk, that constitutes the store stealing from you. Other commenters proposed solutions that will surely deter theft going forward. Wow! Amanda is a prick to poor people.... Everybody do your part and act like her! The local experts of charitable donations chimed in to condemn contributing to this charity. Ummmm.... Good for you.... That's ok. You can keep your yoga pants. One user chimed in and was off topic. Adam, we looked up and down Explore Clarions article and could not find the number 85 anywhere. Are you sure you are on the right post? Despite the countless commenters defending the woman we don't know, others emphasized the legality of the situation.... Yay! Marilyn and George understand morality! Yay! Lori is one of the few that read the article! As for the woman who committed the theft, I would bet my satiracle life that most of these commenters have no idea who she is. Everyone is commenting speclations about her being homeless, needing shoes, being poor, and being a good person. Everyone seems to think speculating goodness in her is ethical even if there is the slight chance she is a prick. Well, since we as a satiracle news outlet like to tick people off, we will finalize this article by speculating the worst in her. Starting off, we have our opinion of what her basement probably looks like. We cannot verify if the next photo of this woman we have never seen is real, or generated by AI. However, according to Chat GPT, this could have happened in our town just before the shoes were taken. Those kids still haven't been found. Oh well.... Once again, we cannot verify the legitimacy of this final photo. But it seems to show some woman making a break for her broom with a bag of money. All this to say, if it is possible that if the worst case scenario we have speculated is true, then we highly advise avoiding this woman at all cost. I don't know.... Maybe she is poor and nice... I'm nice and got student loans to pay..... I guess I'll go rob a charity. Oh, and as a final smart alec remark, let us hear what solution Chrisine has to resolve this situation.... This just in: Goodwill listens to Christine, now has to let everyone steal because they let one get away with it. Store no longer make money. No make money, no pay for building. Store no longer accept donation because store no longer exist. You can all thank Christine.

Moe Hogan, Venango County celebrity with the largest following in the known world, featured Mayor Blunders in an interview for his 16 followers. The podcast instantly went viral with roughly 3 views within days of being uploaded. The first 45 minutes consisted of Moe asking, “Why is the mayor late?” The mayor eventually showed up, stating that he got stuck in Oil City traffic. In all actuality, his Benz Patent Motorwagen just burned out coming up the hill. Mayor Blunders looked exhausted after his walk up to Hone Avenue but insisted on going through with the interview. Despite dozing off several times, he managed to stay on topic at least once. Moe Hogan asked Mayor Blunders about the election and why he believes Koala Bearis stole it from him before he stole it back. Mayor Blunders responded with details on the border crisis. When Mr. Hogan shifted the discussion to the border crisis and pointed to the fact that nobody in Butler is crossing into Venango County, Mayor Blunders fell asleep. Hogan woke him and repeated the same point… Mayor Blunders fell asleep… Mr. Hogan shifted the discussion to the mayor’s efforts in changing the Allegheny River to the “Gulf of Venango.” Mayor Blunders considers this an essential part of “gaining back Venango County pride.” Mr. Hogan pointed to the fact that Venango means “otter,” a word that has nothing to do with the county. He also mentioned that the word Allegheny means “fine river” and has more logic behind it… Mayor Blunders fell asleep… The final discussion between Mr. Hogan and Mayor Blunders focused on the Butler and Mercer conflict over hummus and juice. Mayor Blunders proudly boasted of his efforts in ending this conflict, stating that he showed the hummus vegan leader a picture of a location he would bomb if the conflict didn’t end. Hogan took the picture from Mayor Blunders to observe what location he was referring to. It was Mayor Blunders’ house… Mayor Blunders fell asleep… The podcast ended with Moe Hogan encouraging listeners to vote for Blunders in the upcoming election. This was an odd talking point considering the election is over....

A whopping 98 percent of Venango County residents showed up to watch Mayor Blunders address his newly founded nation. With 56 people total, Venango County Secret Service agents were on high alert hours before the speech. Blunders came to the stage as the crowd roared with excitement. It has been several months since Venango County elected to break off to form the Venango States of America, and despite Washington D.C. having no knowledge of the secession (primarily because they don’t know we exist), Blunders still spoke as if our “nation” came through major sacrifice. “Our declaration to be an independent nation surely provoked the king of England,” stated Mayor Blunders, who accidentally gave his speech facing away from the crowd. “Wars were fought…” they weren’t… “Blood was spilled…” it wasn’t… “But Venango fought for liberty and overcame the odds…” we didn’t… The crowd roared with excitement chanting the abbreviation of Blunders’ self-declared country. “V-S-A! V-S-A!” Oddly, most of them don’t even know what it stands for. Children were permitted to skip school to attend the event. Though concern was raised about them falling behind, school faculty was not bothered considering nobody else in the county has progressed beyond the third grade anyway. With the excitement rising, a new flag has been revealed which literally steals its concept from the United States. The only difference being the caption “Venango States of America.” As for the 20 townships making up Venango County, Mayor Blunders has now declared them independent states and argues that they all have their own governors. They technically are just mayors of tiny towns. But let’s just allow Mr. Blunders to live his fantasy. The nation is set in stone and likely will not expand any further. Although Mayor Blunders has expressed a desire to pioneer west, he probably will not get the chance since he can’t afford gas for his car.

Butler County is now demanding that they be recognized as their own state after seeing Venango successfully seceding from the United States. Butler, which now wants to be known as Butlerstein, has waged war on Mercer County to assert their dominance as vegan lovers and hummus representatives. A new radical group, known as HUMMUS, terrorizes fruit juice lovers by throwing vegan recipes at the opposition. An attack took place today on the border of Mercer County when several puddles of brown mush, believed to be hummus, were suddenly discovered on the Grove City walkway. Mercer is outraged at the unexpected attack which their political leaders say has demoralized their economic status. The United Counties say that they will not join Mercer if they decide to retaliate, causing Mercer to feel as if they are left alone in the sudden conflict between the two southern counties. “The sudden attack was devastating to the locals of Mercer County,” states the mayor of Grove City, capital of Mercer County. “We are traumatized, and our thoughts and prayers go out to the lives which were lost as a result of this horrendous attack.” We have no idea what the mayor of Grove City is talking about. No lives were lost. They literally just dropped hummus on the walkway of Grove City. This is more dramatic than COVID masks in 2024. Mercer County plans to retaliate as soon as they can get enough juice together to form a counterattack. Until then, residents are cautioned to stay indoors in case of another vegan launch.

Oil City's biggest source of cash inflow is facing greater challenges than they ever have experienced in the past. According to sources, the drug lords of Oil City are being forced to lay off more than 50% of their employment due to the rising problem of staff failing to pass drug tests. "We are sincerely taking the greatest hit our industry has ever experienced in Venango County," states the drug lord. "We tell our employees not to use the product before they come into work because drugs are a very serious thing." Several staff members have already been reported to the local police for questioning. The use of drugs is something that the drug lords are strictly against, and do not advocate for their employees. "Drugs are illegal, and we sincerely wish that the police would do more to uphold the law. We can't afford to have our employees continuing to do this while we're trying to produce our product," states another drug lord. The CEOs of the major drug industry providers state that they have great relationships with the political leaders of our county. However, despite the relationships being strong, they still feel that their donations to the political leaders are going to waste if the political leaders are not doing enough to end the drug problem. "I like to believe that our political leaders and police are trying their hardest to end the drug problem," states the kingfish. "However, this problem is becoming bigger than we have ever imagined. I just can't hire people who are high on cocaine when I'm trying to produce enough of that stuff to ship out to my own customers." With Venango County's biggest job provider now being forced to lay off workers, much of the county is falling into poverty once again. Despite the fact that the employees who earned money through this industry wasted it on drugs anyway, now they have no money for even the bare essentials to get by. Experts are fearful that the industry itself may collapse and become another small-town business comparable to the craft vendors who can only keep a shop open in the Cranberry Mall for less than a week. The difference, however, is that people will actually shop at the drugstore.

Venango County has arguably become Northwestern Central Pennsylvania's greatest superpower with the exclusion of every other county surrounding it. With so much influence among other superpowers, to the exclusion of every superpower outside of it, Mayor Blunders feels that it is time for him to weigh in on the Israel and Palestine conflict. "This conflict over juice and hummus must end!" states Mayor Blunders, who misheard the religious labels as sources of bodily nourishment. "We understand that Israel's obsession with healthy drinks is not likely to coexist with a sloppy brown mush. Nonetheless, Palestine and Israel must learn to embrace each other's food preferences. The violence must end!" According to experts, Mayor Blunders is an idiot... We really cannot say much more than that! "If the juice cannot make a peace treaty with the hummus, we will have no choice but to intervene!" states the Mayor, who still hasn't found the coffee can containing the city treasury. Mayor Blunders has warned Venango County that the "Venango States of America" may be forced to hold a draft to recruit "able-bodied men..." Unfortunately, the county is so malnourished after his proposal to secede from the United States, there are no able-bodied men left. When tested on his knowledge about Israel and Palestine, Mayor Blunders seemed confused as to what part of the world they exist in. In fact, like the rest of the county, he still believes nothing exists beyond the Clarion border. Mayor Blunders was asked where the two nations existed. This was his reply: "Aren't those the two feuding towns just north of Pleasantville?"

Self-declared president of the Venango States of America, Mayor Blunders has announced plans to strike a deal with the federal health insurance of Venango County, Minute Maid. According to sources, the recent deal was struck after county officials realized the secession from the United States left the entire county without health insurance. Mayor Blunders immediately funded the Affordable Care Act, which he was forced to instantly discontinue due to his inability to afford it. Minute Maid instantly replaced the act because their organization felt sorry for the citizens dealing with this stupidity. The implementation of Minute Maid has caused many to believe that it is Venango County's federally funded health coverage for low-income families. Actually, everyone in Venango County classifies as a low-income family, including its political leaders. So technically, Venango County is Minute Maid's corporately funded county. With Venango County officials now depending on Minute Maid for cash inflow, leaders are finally able to at least keep up with the interest on their thirty-dollar debt to Meadville. This does nothing to solve the healthcare needs of the county, but it still makes for a very funny joke. As for medical assistance, Minute Maid has agreed to strike a deal with Pacifier, Venango County's wannabe version of Pfizer. The new agreement assures county residents access to five baby aspirin to split among each other. Locals are now debating whether to utilize one of the baby aspirin to treat a man whose eyeballs were gouged out this morning, or to save them for more potentially crucial medical needs in the future. Regardless, locals are relieved to finally have medical assistance.

The metropolis of Titusville has officially gained another achievment to their name by doing nothing to progress the state of thier region. According to experts, the only thing new about the town is a Mcdonald's that was tore down in the last decade for the reconstruction of another Mcdonalds. Experts say that the recreation of the Mcdonalds modernized it's appeal, but was the equivelant of planting a flower bed next to a giant junk yard. Statistics show that the minor "civic impovement" did absolutely nothing to draw people to their town. Crawford County officials are baffled as to how thier east side town can be so comparable to a lowlife when the west side town of Meadville has managed to obtain notariaty for their thriving economy. Just last week, Meadville moved up in the ranks of most desired places to live in the United States. They are now seventeenth from the bottom. As for Titusville, they are so far from the bottom, they have not even made the list. Much like many of the cities in Western Pensylvania, those who visited were so traumatized, they immediately put what they experienced out of their mind. Consequently, Titusville is now declaring themselves the hide and seek champions of Western Pensylvania. Having successfully hid themselves from people who can plainly see their towns name on a map, Titusville is now the master of hiding in plain sight. Their reward? Continual decline.....

In what local officials are calling “a revolutionary step forward in communication,” Vanango County proudly announced today that its government offices have officially upgraded their rotary phone system. After decades of using a beige model with a barely-functioning dial, the county unveiled its new top-of-the-line device: a rotary phone with a slightly longer cord. “It’s about modernization,” said Commissioner Harold Spintone, holding up the phone like it was the latest iPhone release. “This extra three inches of cord allows our employees to reach an entire additional file cabinet. We’re talking about efficiency, mobility, and the kind of innovation that will put Vanango County on the map.” The phone, purchased at a yard sale for $4, comes with advanced features not previously available to the county, such as a slightly louder ring tone and a redial button that only works half the time. County workers are already referring to it as the “Vanango Line 2.0.” Critics, however, have pointed out that most surrounding counties abandoned rotary phones in the 1980s. Butler County officials were reportedly “stunned” to learn Vanango was still spinning a dial for every call. Meanwhile, Clarion College students described the upgrade as “historic,” adding that their professors will now have a great real-world example when teaching about the Stone Age. Still, optimism in Vanango remains high. Mayor Blunders praised the county for “investing in technology,” and hinted at even bigger plans for the future. “Someday,” he said, “we might even install two phones. Imagine the possibilities.” Local residents, many of whom still rely on landlines because cell service is nonexistent in half the county, are already lining up outside the courthouse to get a look at the new device. One elderly woman was overheard saying, “It’s just like the old phone, but shinier. This changes everything.” The phone will be put to immediate use handling urgent county calls, such as complaints about barking dogs, debates over the LockRock Pipeline, and questions about when the local Dollar General is opening its next location. Vanango County officials are calling this the first step in a bold 10-year plan to eventually consider the possibility of cordless phones.

After months of debate in the Venango County House of Representatives, Oil City has officially purchased its very first straw for the ambitious LockRock Pipeline project — Mayor Blunders’ grand plan to siphon Warren’s oil and revive the county’s long-dead industry. The project, announced earlier this year, is designed to run from Warren to Oil City using nothing but drinking straws linked end to end. Officials insist the straws will cut costs dramatically compared to actual pipes, though critics argue the pipeline might struggle to survive a strong breeze, let alone carry oil. Mayor Blunders remains confident: “Yes, we’re in debt. Yes, the population has dropped. Yes, our businesses close faster than our diners can serve burnt toast. But this pipeline will change everything. One straw at a time.” The first straw reportedly cost $1.29 plus tax, draining the county’s emergency budget. Officials say they’re hoping for a bulk discount once they move on to straw number two. Still, the project faces pushback. Environmental groups have raised concerns about the potential impact on tortoises — despite the fact that no tortoises have ever been spotted in Venango County. One activist argued that “if a tortoise ever decided to move here, it could choke on a straw.” County residents are now debating whether to build a tortoise sanctuary before continuing with construction. Despite financial hurdles and imaginary reptile threats, the LockRock Pipeline remains Mayor Blunders’ top priority. Supporters believe it could finally bring back names like Quaker State and Pennzoil, though even Blunders admits he’s not entirely sure what those companies did when they were here. For now, the first straw stands as a symbol of progress — a flimsy, hollow piece of plastic that county leaders hope will one day funnel Warren’s oil and Venango’s dreams straight into the future.

In the wake of a COVID pandemic back in December of 2020, a Venango County commissioner stood in the center of Oil City during the Light Up Night event declaring "businesses are returning and people are moving back." Five years later, and the population of the county has decreased by nearly two thousand people.... You can't make this stuff up. Only two thousand you say? Since 2017 it has decreased by roughly eight thousand people. So no, it is not a case of a minor dip that we will recover from. It is a case of increasing losses year by year. In 2017 Venango County had a population of fifty-seven thousand people. Now, it has roughly forty-nine thousand. If "people are coming back" then it is not enough to make up for the thousands who are leaving yearly. This is the problem with Venango County optimism. It often assumes that we have to deny the reality of what challenges we are facing in keeping people here. There is nothing offensive about the fact that keeping businesses requires keeping a population to justify the business. If the population is at zero, then there are no customers to visit your small-town diner. Am I mistaken? Do waitresses serve pancakes to non-existing customers? Or does making cash actually require people coming in to tip you? Try talking about this reality on a public platform. People get mad when you cite the fact that the population is going down. This site has existed since April and we have already been banned from two local Facebook pages all because we joked about how local craft stores can't last a month in the mall. Do we want Venango County to succeed? Yes! But we are also not too proud to address the issues that are plainly right in front of us. Venango County has two common attitudes: people who love it here that don't want to hear about the struggling businesses, and people who hate it here so much, they are desperately trying to leave. We fall in the middle. We aren't pessimists acting like this is the worst place on Earth. But we also aren't too proud to acknowledge that the Northside of Oil City is welfare haven. Opening up a local restaurant is not grounds to claim that "businesses are coming back." Especially when several businesses have closed over the last decade. One example is the Venango County Co-op which had huge potential before the hype died. Why do you think that business didn't last? Because it was just a central location for local craft vendors to rent a space. We're not trying to diss craft vendors. But if the biggest thing you have to draw people to your mall is a craft store, hype is going to die down. We try to squeeze in positive business reviews on this site when we get an opportunity. In the process, we come across people with mixed feelings about this site. Some business owners love what we write, others are against us, and then there are those who are uneasy but still afford us the chance to review their business. Those uneasy about our site often request that we get away from the negative satire and focus on positive satire that doesn't insult the county. Just think about that for a moment. Comedy is supposed to make fun of irony, but local businesses are so afraid of Venango's ironies, we would rather avoid the subject than acknowledge what barriers we need to overcome. I don't know.... Maybe there is something to this thing about positive satire.... Let's try it! "Oil City is so rich. No businesses are leaving. We are twice the size of New York. There are no drug problems. Nobody is on welfare. This is a paradise. Now let's tell some fifth-grade jokes that adults roll their eyes at." Do you people honestly think we could get laughs by only focusing on Venango County's high points? That's the problem. Not only is positive satire lame, but Venango County doesn't have enough high points to talk about. There are so few of them, we have to pretend the real issues don't exist just to make it seem like there are some. Disagree? Fine. We have a perfect example. Why is it that in order to take my four-year-old anywhere fun in the winter, I have to drive an hour and a half? "Yay! We can go to the library! They have a kids section consisting of toys and books. The exact same stuff they have in their bedroom..." Lame! Give me a SkyZone for goodness’ sake! It's open seven days a week and I get to dive in the foam pits while my kids are risking injury doing flips. It's the best trip ever! Unfortunately, Venango County has nothing in the winter on weekdays. There is a bouncy castle place in the mall open on weekend evenings. That works great when your job requires those specific days and you don't want personal outings with your kids. Unfortunately, I do want outings with my kids because I'm one of those rare kinds of parents who wants my kids to enjoy their childhood. Also, I want to observe my kids having fun without having to drive to Pittsburgh or Erie. As much as I would like to be a terrible parent, unfortunately, I'm not. It's not just the kids. It's also the job opportunity. When I worked for the radio station, the most common phrase I would hear in our PSAs was "keep money in the community." Do you think people talk that way in New York City? "Our businesses are thriving. CEOs are making billions at the Freedom Tower with the inflow of cash from around the world. Do your part and keep money in the community. Please do not shop Amazon!" How poor is your county that you have to tell people on the air to not spend money past the Venango County border? It's a wonder we didn't shame people for wasting a Jackson on gas in Butler. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word that our local Karen spent money because her car ran out of fuel. Experts predict she will be back in Oil City at 6 PM. Residents are encouraged to bring rotten tomatoes to the pillory (medieval shaming device) where she will be made an example." Ironically, I was not allowed to say anything about businesses struggling because I had to make it sound like Venango County "is a paradise." One year, my boss made me cover a community event in Clintonville that drew, get this..... NOBODY! And the biggest attraction was cornhole! Try hyping that on the radio! "Come on out to Clintonville this Saturday where you can spend your time tossing a bean bag into a hole. Enjoy the luxury of walking past a table with a few craft items that interest nobody. Then go back to throwing the bean bag into the hole. While we're talking about it, let's interview this random guy about his experience of throwing the beanbag into the hole. How was your experience sir?" "Oh.... I didn't do it because I'm not even here." "Oh! I forgot, nobody is at this event and my life is depressing because I am running a broadcast in Clintonville trying to hype up cornhole on the radio. We'll be back in ten minutes to talk about the beanbags that haven't been touched all morning." Welcome to Venango County! Bottom line, you cannot fix a declining population by pretending it is not declining. You cannot justify bringing in more businesses when your potential customers are leaving. Finally, tearing down a gas station to replace it with another gas station is not what it means to "create more jobs." Especially when you ended a business to make another one. The cheapest rent for most apartments in the county now is $600 a month. These "created jobs" won't even pay enough to cover that. So unless someone finally brings in a business that is paying livable wages that keep people from moving away, it's time we cut this nonsense about "businesses coming back." It is a flat-out lie and only shows that we are unwilling to acknowledge the real issue keeping local businesses from thriving. You want to fix a problem? Admit what is going on and stop taking offense to reality. The population is going down and not enough career-based jobs are coming to the region. That is a problem. Wthout population and livable wage jobs, your local businesses will eventually have to pack up and leave.