The invasion of Cranberry to crush the rebellion ended in a disastrous loss with an astronomical zero casualties. According to sources, all three Union soldiers marched into battle but were unprepared for the genius onslaught of the rebel army. The battle took place at 6 AM. The youngest troop snuck out of his parents' home around 5:30 to join the battle. Unfortunately, the Oil City School called his parents when they realized he was tardy. Now the Venango Military is down to two men. Nerf guns were fired at close range because the county could not afford nice ones. Both soldiers were hit by the darts but fortunately were able to instantly recover from their wounds. Sources say that spectators sat nearby on a hill to observe the battle. Several people were excited to see the first engagement, but that excitement turned to chaos when a stray Nerf dart struck a horse in the forehead. It immediately died of COVID and the crowd fled in a panic. Union soldiers were pushed back by Foam Wall Jackson, who stood boldly in the field before a spitball struck his chest. He then crumbled and hasn't got up since. The loss is a devastating blow, but Mayor Blunders is determined to continue fighting the South to preserve the union of this county. In a press briefing today, Mayor Blunders stated that he intends to keep the Venango County Military in Cranberry to "ensure the South will not gain independence." He then noted that the troops will need to be back Sunday to direct traffic at church, but then they will be returning promptly to the battlefield.

Venango County's attempt to steal Warren's oil by running a pipeline from Warren to Oil City is coming to a halt after East Crawford County cut one of the straws. According to sources, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville sent one of his troops to Warren this morning to track down the pipeline being created by Venango County workers. The pipeline, according to sources, has been sabotaged. Mayor Blunders stood before the press this morning to express his frustration over East Crawford going back on their treaty concerning the LockRock Pipeline. According to Mayor Blunders, retaliation is possible if Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville does not say he's sorry. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, president of East Crawford County, has not made a public statement as of yet. Sources say that after the treaty created last week between him and Mayor Blunders, the sudden move to cut the LockRock Pipeline may be an attempt to test Mayor Blunders’ temperament. As it pertains to Mayor Blunders’ temperament, Blunders states that he will not get angry at Mayor Dumbdumb for cutting the LockRock Pipeline so long as he replaces the straw, which according to Blunders, costs the county a fortune. If Mayor Dumbdumb refuses to replace the straw, it could mean inter-county conflict, which Western PA has not seen before in its history. Reports warn that a draft may be coming to recruit men to invade East Crawford. Of course, we’ve been reporting this for months, and it still hasn’t happened yet.

The Venango States of America has suddenly been crippled and is no longer declared Western PA’s superpower. According to sources, the recent split between the northern and southern townships has impacted Venango’s influence among the surrounding counties. With the southern townships recently seceding over the library tax Oil City wants to impose on Cranberry, President Mayor Blunders is having a difficult time reaching the southern border to complete his border wall to prevent Butler immigrants from entering the county. Additionally, the recent conflict between Mercer and Butler over juice and hummus lovers is one that Mayor Blunders is no longer capable of helping to resolve. Just a few miles north of Oil City, many are fearing that the conflict between Oil City and Titusville will also escalate now that the county is split in two. Experts say that the deployment of Venango County’s military to the southern townships may cause East Crawford to attempt a breach of Venango County’s border treaty agreement. If so, experts estimate that Western PA’s other superpower, governed by Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, may try to capture as much as 20 feet of Venango County’s land, asserting dominance over the region. Forest County states that they will not be sending any troops in support of the Northern cause—mainly because their own military is down to one man who spends most of his days sleeping. Additionally, they are still trying to figure out how to get two troops back to Titusville who invaded five months ago and have been stuck there ever since. As for Clarion County, they say they are prepared to send aid to both Southern and Northern Venango County, but only because they love how ridiculous this war sounds. As one of the most intellectually advanced counties in the region, Clarion states that they find the primitive nature of Venango County to be the locals' only form of entertainment. Clarion says it is willing to fund as many Nerf guns and spitball hand grenades as the North and South portions of Venango County need, in hopes that this conflict will last for years. Now that the conflict between the North and Southern townships has begun, the entire world of Western Pennsylvania is watching closely to see if the newly formed nation of the Venango States of America can hold up so soon after its own secession from the United States of America. So much is riding on President Mayor Blunders’ shoulders. Can he preserve the Union, or will the South succeed in their secession from the Venango States of America to form their own nation of the Illiterate States of America? This is the dumbest thing that’s ever happened in the county.

A resident on Main Street in Seneca places signs outside their home advocating for the library tax. A few doors down, on the opposite side of the road, what once was a friend, now an enemy, who places signs oppositional to being taxed for the library. What local politicians could not anticipate was an all-out divide between brothers in the great nation of Venango County. President Mayor Blunders ponders what to do to ensure that the nation is not split over the proposed tax locals have to vote on in less than a month. As he sits on his throne in the city hall, which also acts as a city outhouse, protesters stand on both sides of the building holding up signs objecting to and in support of the proposed tax code. Meanwhile, the southern townships are forming a militia of three men trying to arm themselves with as many Nerf guns as they can afford. So far, they have none. Mayor Blunders already has an army of three men serving the Venango States of America and is considering a deployment to the southern townships to crush the rebellion before they declare their independence as the Illiterate States of America. Meanwhile, in the North, residents are also divided over whether or not the southern townships should be allowed their freedom. The southern townships advocate for the ownership of books, whereas the northern portion of the county states that books should be free and obtainable in a state-funded location. Many are fearful that the war between the townships may cause the newly founded nation of the Venango States of America to crumble just seven months into its existence. The debate is one that experts have not picked a side on because the pros and cons are consistent across the board. In one sense, the existence of technology has caused many to argue that libraries should become extinct. In addition, 85% of the county doesn’t know how to read anyway, making the existence of the library questionable. On the same token, many have also argued that the library offers accommodations for children to play, which is useful in the wintertime when cold weather makes it inconvenient for your kid to be sticking his tongue to the monkey bars at the local park. Until Venango County raises enough money to install their own SkyZone, the controversy of the library’s existence will lean towards the building remaining. In the meantime, Southern townships have requested General Rubber E. Pee, along with his assistant General Foam Wall Jackson, to lead Southern forces as they attempt to declare their independence of library taxes. President Mayor Blunders has appointed General Can’t to lead the three troops of Venango County’s military into the southern townships in the hopes that all library books will one day be free.

President Mayor Blunders has argued for months now that all undocumented chihuahuas will be forced to leave the county. With the deployment of his new pet immigration program known as "Glacier," elderly women are in an uproar and have been protesting all over the Venango States. Koala Bearis, runner-up in the election for mayor of Oil City, states that the move to remove undocumented chihuahuas goes "against the constitution of the Venango States of America." Mayor Blunders responded by citing how he only seceded from the union 7 months ago and that there is no constitution made for Venango County yet. Walmart in Cranberry was flooded with elderly protesters today who state that they will not stand for their dogs being removed from their homes. Mary Littlelamb, a local grandmother with poor knitting skills, says that her dog "moved to the Venango States for opportunity and a better quality of life...." The Mayor responded by saying he could tell this was a lie because "nobody comes here thinking they'll get those results." Locals say that the protests outside of the Cranberry Walmart are getting out of hand. An estimated 4 women show up every day and keep slowing up the drivers while pushing their walkers to the front of the store. Blunders states that he has no choice but to call in the County Guard.... There is no County Guard.... Mayor Blunders is requesting all able-bodied men to report to the outhouse in Oil City where he can recruit volunteers for the newly formed County Guard. Until then, a County judge has blocked Blunders from deploying them. Not because it goes against any federal laws or anything. The judge just happens to hate Blunders personally.

Allegra Obnoxio-Cortex has become famous for her environmental concerns. Oddly, one would think that such an environment enthusiast would see eye to eye with Venango County's one and only hundredaire. However, Elan Klutz holds political views that cause tension between him and Obnoxio-Cortex. The most recent issue brought up by Obnoxio-Cortex is Klutz’s decision to put only one seat in his electric baby vehicles. Cortex, who normally would appreciate the vehicles for running on double A batteries, is actually even more upset than before. She thinks that the efficiency of the vehicles should not just depend on battery operation, but also foot pedals to keep the batteries charged. Elan Klutz detests this proposal by Obnoxio-Cortex, stating that if he had to put foot pedals in his cars, there would be no need for batteries. “We would just go back to the days of the Flintstones,” Klutz said. Another area of debate between these two public figures is whether or not oxygen should be legal. Klutz states that oxygen is essential for allowing his cars to breathe as they run. Obnoxio-Cortex, on the other hand, states that because oxygen requires carbon monoxide to be converted back into oxygen, it must be bad for the environment. Elan Klutz only agrees that it is bad for the environment as long as people are not breathing it. Klutz holds the opinion that the solution to this problem is to continue breathing carbon monoxide in order that the exhales will produce more oxygen, therefore saving the environment. Obnoxio-Cortex has a hard enough time dealing with Klutz and his view on breaths producing oxygen from carbon monoxide. However, the one that really gets her worked up is Elan Klutz’s space program called Space-Z. His multi-ten-dollar industry consists of ten rockets he purchased from Walmart and his endeavor to shoot these rockets to Mars. Obnoxio-Cortex states that Klutz burns fuel to a degree that is bad for the environment. Last week he shot off a rocket, to which she claims he accidentally burned a dandelion to death. Klutz responded angrily, defending himself with the claim that the rocket only took out a daffodil. This doesn't seem to help his case, considering that daffodils are more beloved than dandelions. Nonetheless, Klutz argues that the ignition of the flower constitutes as lawncare and not environmental harm. Abnoxio-Cortex and Klutz seem to have no respect for eachother at this season in time. While Cortex is pushing for consumers to stop buying his Tessa baby vehicles, Klutz seems undetered as he remains one of the few men with tens of ten dollars in his bank account.

By order of the President, Mayor Blunders, the city of Oil City has installed a new sign outside of City Hall, which shares its place with the City Outhouse. Locals say this is the newest upgrade that will ensure the town attracts tourists once again. "We desperately needed a sign" states Margaret Mincedmeat. "People kept thinking that City Hall was at Mcdonald's, which really confused a the workers flipping Bigmacs." The Mayor is excited about the new urban developments taking place. With this sign being the first of many other integrations, Blunders states that by next year, City Hall will be just as impressive as "whatever they built for their politicians in Washington." Mayor Blunders has a long list of things to add to City Hall. He states that next, he wants to add an east wing for the House of Representatives to meet in. After that, he plans to put in a west wing for the Venango County Supreme Court. We don't have a Venango County Supreme Court. But try telling that to the Mayor. No matter what the future holds, Mayor Blunders is still proud of his new sign. Not only does he believe it will constitute a historic moment, but he also thinks the signs fits the atmosphere as well.

Venango County has only identified as an independent nation for seven months now. Back in March, when the mayor declared this 10-by-10-mile county the Venango States of America, many were uncertain as to how the mayor planned to defend our land against outside forces. This is where the mayor took action to form the Venango County Military — a force of two and a half men who drop to two when the boy is past his curfew. So far, these men have not seen any action in the field of battle. With the county budget 20 dollars below zero, Mayor Blunders can only afford to have them in uniform for thirty minutes a day. Fortunately, they have been willing to work with Blunders to extend their shifts on the condition he feeds them part of his lunch. Today marked a special occasion. The troops were rewarded with the Venango County Medal of Honor for their "courage in going into battle without fear." So far, the most service they have provided is emptying the outhouse every time Oil City needs a town hall meeting. Mayor Blunders expressed his gratitude for the men who "have given their lives for this great nation," and for the men standing before him who "carry on the legacy of a line that dates back hundreds of years..." Leave it to Mayor Blunders to stretch the truth. The men were presented their medals, which literally were those cheap plastic police badges you buy in the kids’ toy aisle at the Dollar Tree. Still, they stood proudly with what energy their malnourished bodies had left. The ceremony concluded with Mayor Blunders declaring war on Slovakia. Don’t ask us.

Politicians across the United States are setting aside their differences and taking to social media to post their disapproval of political violence, even though they'll do nothing to fix it moving forward. According to sources, the political leaders who are condemning acts of hate mustered up the will to pause their Black Ops games to post a few good thoughts. "I was really racking up scores to the best of my ability," states one politician who represents the hypocrisy of both leading parties. "I got to the level where my soldiers were about to assassinate the Russian Prime Minister. But when I heard that someone from my party got slapped in the face, I just had to pause the game and post my disgust." Experts say that the thousands of posts being made by politicians—both Republican and Democrat alike—are likely to increase the possibility of ending political violence once and for all, just as it did the millions of other times we've been through this process. "It was so encouraging to see all the political leaders putting forth the least amount of effort possible to end political violence with statuses consisting of abbreviated phrases," states another political leader who thinks the other party should be shot. "When one of the governors posted his grievance with the classic 'SMH,' I knew potential haters would stop and think." United States citizens are also encouraged that world leaders are making a difference in voicing the importance of condemning hate—just before hatefully accusing their opposition of the worst labels imaginable. One politician expressed how crucial it is to fight hatred by passionately speaking about others in a way that naturally makes them want to hate you in return. "It only makes sense to continue to compare the party opposing us to Nazis, racists, fascists... and crybabies," states the guy who gets these labels five times a week. "Although political parties are made up of multiple people with diverse personalities, it is very productive to stereotype an entire group and demonize them for where they associate. This way, we can keep the nation united as one." Unfortunately, experts fear that the trend of posting statuses about condemning hate will fade away for a while. This leaves many to wonder what they will do to avoid political violence. We may just have to hope and pray that this series of statuses was enough to end hate for good. If not, at least they'll be here to condemn it again when we need them to.

Clarion Township’s most respected establishment for high-class alcoholic beverages, spicy chicken wings, and a pointless walkway at the edge of their building has issued a public warning that a violation of common sense will not be tolerated. Perpetrators will be barred from the bar. A public statement was made by Toby Hill's Bar and Grill, citing that they have experienced an uptick in local creeps. According to sources, this statistic is verified by the fact that those same creeps can no longer visit Infusion. "I sincerely thought that Clarion Township was becoming a much more civilized region where men earned the respect of women by demonstrating a professional character," states the bar owner, who did not actually say this. "Then it occurred to me. None of the people who work hard to achieve a degree from the university stay in this town when they graduate because we don't have jobs to justify those degrees. In fact, once Infusion's bar closed, the creeps started popping out of the wood again." Toby Hill is fearful that if the Infusion creeps continue to attend their bar, they not only will freak out customers, but also cause their clean restrooms to become just as distasteful as the ones Infusion never cleaned after customer hangovers. "We pride ourselves on the quality of our toilets," states another employee who doesn't exist. "Our bathrooms are so well maintained, we sometimes forget germs exist." With Infusion creeps suddenly migrating to other bars in town, many are asking why Toby's is the one having to make this public statement. According to experts, other bars in town have utilized natural deterrents in the personalities of their workers that can clear a room quicker than a local dud. Additionally, this doubles great for Christmas when the bar scene needs its own negativity scene. As for the bar everybody loves, Toby's best deterrent is their direct voice against such inappropriate behavior. Being as perfect as Jesus—if He were a bar—Toby's knows they can safely address this matter in a professional way without hiring pricks to deter the other pricks. That's probably why people love it there, along with the fact that their food and atmosphere are spectacular.

A Clintonville resident had the suprise of his life when he visited Applefest. Ronald Mcdumbold, a man who hasn't seen daylight since the depression, mustered up the courage to leave his hometown and venture into the far away land of Franklin. According to Mcdumbold, the sight of Franlin immediately surprised him because he genuinely thought life could not exist outside of Clintonville. After seeing crowds of people, he began to then question everythinghe believes about reality. "Is the Earth really triangle?" Mcdumbold rhetorically asked in the interview. "Is Taco Bell really fine dining? Is the Moon really made of moon dust? Everything I thought to be true may in fact be a lie..." Mcdumbold slowly approached the crowd of people who wondered between tents for no apparent reason. Although afraid, his curiosity got the better of him when someone offered him a sandwich in exchange for "something they call money." Mcdumbold doesn't know what that is because he's from Clintonville. After getting lost in the crowd, Mcdumbold eventually found his way back to his horse where he managed to escape the bizarre gathering of people. "I don't know what was going on." States Mcdumbold. "But if Franklin gets that crowded on a regular basis, you can be sure I don't want to know how much more crowded it is in Oil City."

Per the outdated news network, a man took to Facebook September 1st expressing concern over two men who could be seen trying to break into his cars. The owner of the vehicles captured footage from his Blink security camera showing two men with faces wrapped in hoods to hide their identities. Apparently they don't have fingerprints in their genes because they weren't afraid to touch the cars with their bare hands. The Giant Eagle Grocery Store voiced their concern over the footage. Since 2020, they have held the belief that covering your face with anything other than a mask will not stop the spread of COVID. Both gentlemen have been warned that if they come into Giant Eagle's store with such face coverings, they will be asked to leave the store. As for people with common sense, the fear of these two car hijackers has raised alarm in everyone on the Southside of Oil City. The Northside is not afraid because nobody there can afford a car anyway. The public responded on Facebook with various disgruntled messages. One user issued a warning to the two masked morons that coming to his place would result in seeing his ugly face.... Stop thinking so small of yourself Bill. Another user went so far as to blame the former president for the incident because we all know that car thefts never took place before 2020... Two kids pull on a car handle, walk away, and somehow we relate it to the economic problems our nation is facing..... If only Biden signed that order to open the keystone pipeline, this car wouldn't have been touched! The next user made light of the situation with a little joke.... Nick, we love your sarcasm. But because we are self proclaimed pricks, we must pretend you were serious with that statement and call you a moron. Here it goes..... You're a moron! Our final commenter offered insight on the whereabouts of the suspicious car hijackers... Oh.... It was the Northside????? What a shame. It was such a good joke earlier.... We're just going to say this user is lying and use the joke anyway. Nobody listen to this user! Nobody on the Northside can afford a car because they don't have jobs! There is no information as to whether these men have been caught, or if there is enough of a crime here to even press charges. Experts suggest the two probably won't ever pull off a successful crime because they probably wouldn't know how to open the cars even if they were unlocked.