More than a year and a half ago, an executive order was signed by President Mayor Blunders to change the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango. It is now late July in 2026, and Venango County has been unsuccessful in convincing Allegheny County to surrender their rights to the name. Several intimidation tactics have been used to put pressure on Pittsburgh's Mayor to sign away the rights to the Allegheny River. Attempts to raise tariffs by three hundred percent instantly went nowhere given the lack of trade between the two counties. Constant phone calls have also wielded no results, with the Mayor of Pittsburgh making the choice to simply block Blunders**'** contact. Blunders only has access to a rotary phone and has no idea what cellular technology is. Despite Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh blocking Blunders**'** number, calls are made daily with the assumption that the voice mailbox is full. Now, Blunders is trying a third means of intimidation to send a message to Mayor Steelhead. This is the same message that hasn't gotten through for the last year and a half. Blunders announced two days ago a plan to send a letter every day until Allegheny County agrees to surrender the river. As of this morning, Blunders**'** first letter has come back with a "return to sender" stamp on the envelope. After careful examination by Venango County Secret Service Agents, it has been determined that the letter has no stamp. An executive order has been signed requiring all letters to go to their designated location regardless of whether they are stamped or not. When asked by press members why he did not just put a stamp on the letter, Blunders pretended we asked about the new Gulf of Venango deal. We were only able to find out about the county's inability to afford a stamp thanks to the Speaker of the Venango County House of Representatives, which is the Mayor's sister. Mayor Blunders**'** sister does not like him and willingly showed us how his excessive spending has left the county without funds for a stamp. The executive order is being ignored by the United States Postal Service. According to sources, they are under federal authority and not subject to Blunders**'** demands. Blunders says he intends to continue sending letters without stamps until they give in. Meanwhile, he is consulting experts on what other ways he should put pressure on Pittsburgh.

Western Pennsylvania's most famous crime families are at war after a member of the Genevieve family spread rumors about Gamblingcasino boss Jon Got Ye. Information is still vague, with reports only confirming allegations that the Genevieve family intentionally used prayer request time to implicate guilt against the Gamblingcasino family's longtime leader. Sources say a member of the Genevieve family stood up at the First Presbyterian Church in Clarion to request prayer for Jon Got Ye. The request came with claims that the Genevieve family caught wind of Jon Got Ye's intent to extort tithes and offerings to promote a big community social featuring family-friendly contests requiring payment to play. Jon Got Ye denied the implications, stating that as a longtime Amish man, he would never seek to gamble except outside of a church setting. Got Ye then realized how unusual it is for an Amish man to be attending a First Presbyterian Church. He immediately left the scene. Gang wars are not uncommon in the western Pennsylvania region, with the most recent conflicts existing between the Bananna family and the Lunchandcheese family. This time, however, conflicts will not involve banana peels left on the ground or aggressors trying to slap people with a piece of bologna. Instead, it seems the Genevieve family is using wit to undermine the reputations of the rival gangs. There is no certainty as to how the Gamblingcasino family will respond to this attack on their boss's reputation. The crime family is most notable for their roots in much more populated regions, where casinos helped fund their crime waves. After making the unfortunate decision to move to the most isolated regions of western Pennsylvania, they have no casinos and spend most of their days in local gas stations trying to get by on the less preferred slot machines. Church attendance was not formerly a common practice among the Gamblingcasino family. They only started once they realized they could use the prayers to help increase their luck with the slot machines. Now, it has come at the cost of the Genevieve family ruining their reputation with the use of gossip. The Gamblingcasino family would unload on the Genevieve clan if it weren't for the financial drawbacks preventing them from purchasing the necessary weapons. For the time being, they're forced to come up with their own rumors to hopefully destroy the Genevieve family's reputation.

It is another cause for dispute between East Crawford in its rivalry with Venango County. A sign claiming more territory than what Google has permitted Titusville to possess is causing widespread confusion over the implication that the township is bigger than it actually is. The damage? Over a thousand meters, which equates to roughly 3,280 feet by English standards. To help put this into perspective, that's just over six hundred twenty-one thousandths of the 5,280 feet that make up a mile. We have created a diagram to show this concept in its simplest form. Errors may exist in the logic The origins of the sign are unknown. But passersby noted Monday that it welcomes people to Titusville way before they ever reach the actual town. Consequently, those living between the sign and the actual border are stunned to learn that they are not actually Titusville citizens. Those who are citizens are now observing them as outcasts. "I just can't believe I am actually of Venango County blood," states Mr. Oil Guzzler of that unmarked dirt road which begins right on the actual border of Titusville. Dirt road just outside of Titusville "I was welcomed with open arms for years. Today, people downtown won't stop looking at me with suspicion." Ironically, Titusville says they will not allow the sign to be removed, citing the territory as their own. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville has since signed an executive order stating that any attempt to remove the sign will result in a new sign being placed ten feet closer to Oil City. President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America addressed the matter before the press today after taking his time to ensure the media microphones were not bugged. He states that if Dumbdumb places a new sign ten feet closer after the initial sign is removed, Venango County will use military force to build their own sign, claiming the first ten feet of Titusville as Venango County territory. Upon hearing this threat, Dumbdumb retaliated with the threat of constructing another sign even ten feet closer than the one replacing the first sign. Blunders retaliated, threatening to replace his sign with one claiming ten more feet of Titusville territory. The debate is still going on. Blunders has already claimed as far as Fat Chad's, while Dumbdumb is still trying to reach the Penn RV Center so he can claim to have something worthwhile. The debate is expected to continue until one of the signs finally lands at the border of Erie or Butler. Until then, both mayors are standing outside announcing retaliations to press members who have already gone home. Dumbdumb on left, Blunders on the right We will keep you up to date on the progress of these situations.

Millcreek Township residents can relax after another cliché coyote sighting has been revealed to be the Chuck E. Cheese rat taking a smoke break. A viral post on the All Things Happening Millcreek group left hundreds of residents in fear Sunday morning when they perceived the alleged perpetrator as a coyote. Fortunately, a handful of observers were able to identify the suspect as Charles Entertainment Cheese, mascot of the Chuck E. Cheese franchise. The picture of Charles the rat was posted to Facebook around 9:32 AM Sunday morning. Within minutes, it received widespread attention from everyone acting like they have never observed a coyote in Millcreek before. Experts state that the failure to recognize it as Charles stems from poor quality that would give Erie News Now a run for its money. Additionally, the rat was smoking on a public sidewalk without his clothes on because he is a perv. These combining factors made it difficult for social media viewers to distinguish the rat from a regular coyote. It wasn't until 11:48 AM, after several people bought their own shotguns, that a local resident identified the rat. Mildred Mouthwash, a local resident famously banned from the Presque Isle Downs Casino, and who has no other option but to gamble at Chuck E. Cheese, recognized her friend instantly after observing the sign above him. Commenters were skeptical at first, challenging Mildred's ability to determine the difference between an oversized rat and a normal-sized coyote. It was at this moment she surprised everyone with her level of confidence when she informed social media that she would "bet her life on it." Those who can't stand Mildred were pleased by the proposal and began loading their shotguns in the event that they could win the right to kill her. Mildred was lucky after forensic scientists were able to determine she was right. This is not the first time a local figure was mistaken for something unwanted by the public. In 2017, a sign depicting a 4-degree temperature went viral when people mistook it for a stick figure taking a dump. The internet was outraged and demanded all sexually explicit stick figure imagery be removed from the internet. Unfortunately, they couldn't figure out which ones were unclothed by two-dimensional standards. Charles the rat has not commented on the incident. As one who works to professionally entertain and scare children at the same time, we chose not to reach out given the level of stress his job carries. Instead, we ask everyone to double-check their sources before accidentally reporting Charles as a coyote. While you are in fear of coyotes piling on your children, Charles has to live in fear of your children piling on him. That is a lot to handle, considering your kids are probably not bathed in the first place.

Following the unfortunate death of Llamar Llamley, an Erie native outspoken against the gun shaped Mall in Kearsarge, Mayor Paranoia of Erie authorized opperation payback, in which several Erie militia armed with chicken nugget cannons were instructed to march into Millcreek to gain control of the neighboring rival. The dispute between the neighboring townships began more than three weeks ago when the leaders of the City of Erie realized Millcreek owns all the land south, west, and north of them. With Wesleyville being the only escape route, matters escalated more when it was brought to Mayor Paranoia's attention that Millcreek has a giant mall gun pointed their direction. Millcreeks cliche joke Despite sanctions that went absolutely nowhere, Millcreek refused to dissassemble their giant mall gun, and eventually fired adult diapers from Victorias Secret stash. Diapers rained down on Erie for days before Erie finally dropped a pool noodle outside the Mall. No one was injured with reports confirming the pool noodles failure to detonate. After a day of waiting, the Millcreek Bombsquad was able to successfully discharge the noodle with the protective covering of a sheet. It was at this moment, a Llama, who has been identified as Llamar Llamley of 501 C Alpaca Street in Erie, charged the officers detonating the pool noodle. Millcreek officials claim Llamley spat at them, endangering their safety. Phlem was returned which resulted in the death of Llamley. Several protests instantly erupted in the streets of Erie before the llama community realized Llamars death was Millcreeks fault. Shortly thereafter, several protests instantly erupted in Millcreek with llamas calling for justice over Llamar's life. Llamas move on Millcreek Wednesday afternoon, a massive militia of 4 men stormed Peach Street with chicken nugget launchers. Witnesses report they successfully made it to the mall where they sat and waited for something to happen. Unfortunately, dinner time was appraoching and they had to leave to go home to their wives. Nobody was injured during the battle. Millcreek's leader, Mayor Wastecash says that he intends to counter the devastating onslaught brought on by the militia of Erie, capital of Erie County. Because Erie is the one independent county without a military, each township has their own conflicting government. Wastecash intends to raise his own army to strike back in hopes of making Millcreek the capital, thereby changing Erie County’s name to Millcreek County. Despite having a lower population, Millcreek does have the upper hand. The only drawback is that this portion of Millcreek is incredibly vulnerable since the beaches close at 7:30. This forces all defenses to vacate until dawn. We have yet to see if Erie will try to take the beaches of Presque Isle. Today's attack gives everyone a small look at their potential. The hope for Millcreek is the possibility that the City of Erie is bound to the same standard of vacating the beaches after 7:30 as well. This would force their militia to attack during normal park hours. We are waiting to hear from authorities to determine if invaders from Erie would be cited for trespassing under such conditions. Until then, the primary concern is if they will return to continue the attack attempted on Wednesday.

A sea turtle is in critical condition after accidentally getting too close to a string of straws running through Forest County. According to officials, the turtle was attempting to pass through Allegheny National Forest when it unexpectedly came across a series of straws running along the ground. Moments later, a straw got stuck in the turtle's nose for dramatic effect. Sources confirm that the string of straws is President Mayor Blunders' pipeline, which is being constructed to siphon Warren County's oil. The pipeline, which contributed to the escalation of County War One several months ago, was resumed Wednesday morning after Blunders declared that Warren "might not notice this time." Minutes after construction resumed, witnesses say they saw the turtle get a straw stuck up its nose. Much like the viral video from several years ago, we are going to assume the people present did not shove it up its nose themselves, despite that being a reasonable explanation. The turtle was rushed to the hospital where it died of COVID. Protests are taking place everywhere demanding sea turtles be banned for the convenience of straws. What the sea turtle was doing in the middle of Forest County is still a mystery. What we can determine is that it is a mystery.

Several months of court proceedings have led to the Venango Republic's first loss in the case against an anonymous user, who controversially used Venango Republic content as their own meme, without the written consent of Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic. In the weeks leading up to Friday's hearing, Blobfish, along with his lead journalist, Jeremy Jetfuel, argued that a successful case against the anonymous Facebook user would require the courts to know the identity of the alleged perpetrator. Judge Beagle of the Venango County Court stated that while revealing the face would allow the Venango Republic to know who they are suing, it could lead to major consequences if the emoji is, in fact, the person's real face. Consequently, the request was denied to remove the obstruction to the meme user's identity. Anonymous Facebook user This was not the only rationale behind Judge Beagle's decision. In the same hearing, the Venango Republic experienced the misfortune of allowing their attorney, Jake Horking Kake, to cross-examine the defendant. Horking Kake is notoriously known as Venango County's dumbest representative. As the staff of the Venango Republic gripped their chairs, their mouths dropped in horror as Horking Kake forgot which side he was representing and presented a case that favored the defendant. Horking Kake seen in red ordering pizza on his hair dryer Horking Kake's decision to cite Article 159, Section C of the Venango County fictional federal law book, turned the Venango Republic's appeal on its head. This law, which coincides with section 248 C of Erie's fictional laws, requires recognition of a blobfish nap time. According to this article, when a blobfish, along with his staff, attempts to sue an individual with an anonymous Facebook emoji covering their expression, the blobfish, along with his staff, must also remove any nonsensical coverings that obstruct the visibility of an actual human face. Several attempts to counter Article 159, Section C came after Blobfish requested that Horking Kake remain on the defendant's side. From this point on, the Venango Republic presented several other fictional laws as an attempt to override the one cited by Horking Kake, such as Article 259-ZZZ, which claims that if Blobfish, along with his staff, remains asleep at his desk, Article 159, Section C is made void. Unfortunately, in order for Blobfish to cite this law, he would have to be asleep. Because he was awake to cite the law, it was unusable before Judge Beagle. Blobfish holding standing with laws of the Fictional Universe Another law the Venango Republic attempted to use in its favor was Article 948K, which says that if this law is real, Article 159, Section C is made void. Once again, the Venango Republic faced the unfortunate reality that the law is not real because it exists in a fictional universe. It was at this point that Judge Beagle dismissed its appeal to tear off the anonymous defendant's face. Court proceedings are expected to continue for the foreseeable future, as the Venango Republic attempts to gain fictional compensation for the unauthorized use of its imagery. Meanwhile, the anonymous defendant will remain anonymous, leaving us to wonder who they really are.

An abandoned building is under fire after intentionally defying its owners' rules by taking a smoke break on sacred grounds. According to information provided by the Pittsburgh Post Pardom, the former Grandview United Methodist Church located at 301 Grandview Ave. in Pittsburgh, decided to help itself to a substance known to cause lung cancer. Fortunately, the building now ceases to exist and therefore, will not be risking lung cancer. "I'm just glad it spent its last moments doing what it always wanted." states one witness from the newly formed Divided Methodist Church. "The building secretly expressed to me its desire to try a smoke break, but that it was afraid of being sent to Hell. Now, it can say it's done both." The structure has not been visited since its abandonment in 2022. After more than a century of being told how to live under the scope of religious perfection, it seems the structure finally fell to temptation now that it does not have a congregation to keep it accountable. "I just don't understand why it went so far to burn itself to the ground." states Pastor Methheadist of the lesser-known daughter church. "I know it was under a lot of pressure from that congregation, but we were always inviting it to become a member at our church to get its mind on something else." As the questions behind what caused the building to snap bring about fresh speculations, many are asking what to do with the remains. Some have suggested creating a giant urn, but cannot justify the cost since that community is poor. Additionally, others have recommended replacing it with a vape shop to help promote alternative forms of lung-damaging pleasures. This idea is being considered, but will have to compete with the possibility of another Dollar General. While the debate continues, the location that once was still is. Despite not having a building on top of it, the ground hasn't gone anywhere, meaning that people still have something to walk on. Funeral processions will be announced later this week.

After months of brutal warfare between the counties of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization and the Zugnar Alliance, the mayors of Northwestern Pennsylvania came together to sign an agreement that will end all conflicts for the foreseeable future. The war took a surprising turn in the last month and a half, when Jefferson County used a new form of warfare, which involved burrowing beneath towns with collapsible tunnels, in order to sink entire communities into the dirt, leaving the Elk Empire nothing worth claiming. Although, it cost Jefferson County everything, Elk County has nothing to possess anymore. On the west side, the Crawfordiot Union, headed by Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, folded when the Ironed Curtain dividing West Crawford and Erie fell to the ground. Despite the curtain being recently pressed, a gust of wind knocked over its stand, making it unjustifiable for Titusville to financially replace the entire structure. As for the Elk Empire, which accounted for more than eight counties being overthrown, Mayor Bighorn's branding on the Western Pennsylvania world will no longer stain its borders. Elk County has fallen, and the Jefferson County military has cut off the head of their image. Turns out is was just pasted over top Militaries are now returning home. The troops serving Clarion County have found their way back from Butler after weeks of being lost in a county they were never supposed to go to. Clarion's military tries to decide if this is their college Little Timmy of the Venango County military is finally able to return home now that his parents are free from prison. Timmy, whose parents were sent to prison due to his tardiness, will be receiving special honors for skipping school to help fight against the Zugnar Alliance. Special honors to be awarded after parents are through with Timmy Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military will soon be sent to Uganda to help suppress riots taking place in a nation around the world. For the time being, they are celebrating the end of County War One by smuggling muffins behind public buildings. Laurel and Hardy have minor standoff before learning about the wars end The war is over, at the cost of several fictional lives that we didn't actually kill for fear of public backlash. Having met the standards of a family-friendly war, the mayors representing County War One are proud to have participated in a successful intercountial conflict. PATO and Zugnar bow before the press The Venango Republic would like to thank our producers for their hard work and dedication. This motion picture is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental unless it is not. The characters and events depicted in this photoplay are entirely fictitious. No animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture due to fictional standards. (Verified by the American Inhumane Association). The Venango Republic was filmed before a live studio audience.

A declining concept called radio just determined they are not good enough for two talented media personalities. According to widespread conversations in the Erie populace, a man whose name suggests he carves wood on the side, and a woman who might be related to the first actor to play Pennywise, are out of a job because syndicated music doesn't make sense in a world that has figured out Spotify. Consequently, the city of Erie wants to hear their voices still. Especially since there have been more than a quarter century of vocal contributions on the part of these sound wave entertainers. A collection is being taken for suggestions on what applicable mediums these stars can transition to. We would hire them ourselves, except we only make 25 dollars a month. That equates to one dollar for every year they've been on the radio. For anyone with recommendations on alternative media platforms, suggestions can be sent to the Erie Suggestion Box on Alternative Media Careers for Local DJs Recently Let Go by iHeart (ESVAMCLDJRLGIH). Although they are out of work, they are fortunate to live in a town that has a non-profit for every potential problem.

We are two weeks into the Franklin Junior Taste of Talent vocal competition with ten contestants battling to impress their city over the natural melodic skills their grandmothers will swear by. So far, each performance has been good. While we understand that sounds insincere, it's only because we have been too busy playing video games to show up for the first two weeks. The Venango Republic has vowed to keep our opinions about the competition uninformed in the event that just in case one of the many performers has no talent, we won't get backlash for a rare case of honest publicity. Unfortunately, new controversial happenings have come to our attention, forcing our publication to speak out against the nationally televised reality series. According to information provided by our Winter Intern, Ye Ti, our Summer Intern, Bigfoot has been refused a spot in the Franklin Taste of Talent Junior vocal competition. This came after our Winter Intern, Ye Ti, was informed by our Summer Intern, Bigfoot, that he was not allowed a spot in the vocal competition. "Me sad for long time friend who told no to competing in local event." Ye Ti expressed to himself while writing this article. Because of his oversized fingers, and low IQ, major edits have been made to correct consistent typos and grammatical errors throughout the article. Ye Ti writing for the first time Bigfoot has not commented on the matter. As the Summer Intern, he is responsible for making coffee, and is currently in time out for producing a lousy cup of joe. What can be determined is that for his species, an estimated century of existence is considered infancy. We understand he is the first and only one of his kind. But as a Pennsylvania native, Bigfoot feels the long lifespan of his mythical existence should be taken into account when deciding who qualifies. Humble Bigfoot gets to work after Jeremy Jetfuel accidentally spills tar in the office "He deserve chance for being good local figure." Ye Ti expressed yet again in his Yoda-like tone. "He give much for community, supporting small business, and switching to vegan when locals say he need to stop eating kids." Bigfoot met Ye Ti around 2007 in a rehabilitation program for untamed Pennsylvania apes. After years of running naked through the woods of Forest County, he won the trust of the public when he managed to choose a salad over a dead possum. Bigfoot and Ye Ti at rehab. Photo taken in 2007 with AI quality. Despite his domestication, the Taste of Talent Junior vocal competition, put on by the Franklin Fine Arts Council, will not recognize our furry cousin as a valid candidate. Bigfoot's dream of being a world-renowned singer is still on hold as he continues to learn to make the coffee correctly.

Thousands of protesters, representing the llama community, gathered in the streets of Erie yesterday to protest the horrific death of Llamar Llamley. Llamley, who was struck in the neck by an officer's phlegm Monday afternoon, was attempting to protest the Millcreek Gun pointed toward his home City when Millcreek Bomb Squad Specialists spat in his direction. Llamar Llamley of 501 C Alpaca Street The event took place outside the JCPenney entrance of the Millcreek Mall as members of the Millcreek Bomb Squad were attempting to disarm a day-old pool noodle. Llamley has been accused by Millcreek of firing llama phlegm at the Bomb Squad members while acting as an agent of the Erie Government. Despite pictures showing no phlegm fired from Llamley's mouth, officers discharged their spittle, striking Llamley in the neck before he fell to the pavement. He instantly died of COVID. Llamley's family, along with the City of Erie, have denied the allegations proposed by Millcreek. Shortly after the victim's identity was released to the public, protests filled the streets of Erie, calling for justice to be served. Protesters raise thier voice at 11 AM Tuesday Protesters were peaceful at the beginning with several of them gathered before the stage in Perry Square for what organizers called the "No Fling Protest." The title was fitting to help discourage spitting at llamas while encouraging young people to keep their virginity. Llamas sing for Llamley Once attendees realized their signs said "No Flames", signs were corrected to say "No Flings" to match the event name. Corrected signs Before the Erie County Courthouse, other llamas raised their voices beneath a banner honoring the late Llamley. Erie County Courthouse Other sections of town were not so peaceful in the call for justice. Just a few blocks away, authorities were called to help rectify tensions growing between llamas and business owners on Peach Street next to the Avalon Hotel. Police caution llama's to keep a cool head Several of the llamas were put off by the presence of law enforcement and began retaliating in ways that came natural to them. SVLICE (left) and SWAT (right) team members embrace for spitfire Authorities eventually had enough and took it upon themselves to enforce the laws of the city. Llamas run is panic It was at this moment, it occurred to the llamas and authorities that Llamley died at the hands of the Millcreek Bomb Squad, who the City of Erie has been in conflict with due to the Mall Pistol being pointed in their direction. When each side realized that protesting Erie for Millcreek's deed makes no sense, authorities went home, and the llamas quit retaliations. Instead, they held memorial ceremonies on street corners to honor their friend. Llamas gather paying respects to Llamar Llamley Other llama's still craved justice. At 2 PM, many crossed the border into Millcreek to form new protests directed at the right township. Once again, by the thousands, they took to the streets, repeating the same cycle that had escalated in Erie. Erie havoc in Millcreek The few llamas that protested peacefully gathered in lesser numbers around regions where llamas are not normally welcome. Llamas These llamas were instantly eaten within minutes of arriving, an outcome which should have been predictable given that the entire population of Millcreek is made up of coyotes. Tuesday's protests accomplished absolutely nothing. Llamley is now a stuffed trophy, and the llamas of Erie are still not welcome in the Millcreek community. Meanwhile, Erie and Millcreek are still firing diapers and pool noodles at each other with no end to the conflict in sight.