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The Clarion Clunkers roster has consisted of amateur talent over the last several years. With no championship in the teams history, the front office has made desperate moves to bring the franchise back to an MLB quality. After signing Nelson Dingbat last year, the pitching quality dropped significantly with every throw consistently dinging the other teams bat. Jethro Badly also struggled to out every baseman last season. Stats reveal that not a single pitch made it into the strike zone. This marked the first time every batter facing the same pitcher was concussed with a pitch to the face. As for the outfielders, the Clunkers management is still looking for players with a lower body. With only one outfielder having half his limbs, the Clunkers struggled when hits failed to land exactly where Armstrong Legless was sitting on the field. A trade proposal has been made to the Mercer Misfires to acquire veteran shortstop Midget Footshoot. Footshoot still walks with a limp after his accident, but is known to be effective when the ball flies 2 feet above the ground and within his reach. Another trade proposal to the Butler Butoles would secure a valuable hitter in Itchingmy Rear. Rear is known to only use bats with spikes that he oddly rubs on his pants each play. Although the balls he hits get stuck on his spiked bat, the inconvenience has worked to his advantage as a home run batter. This is especially true when he hits the umpires eye with the bat. The two trade proposals may not be enough for a championship this year. Several are asking if the Clunkers are this year's sleeper team. We've been unable to ask coach Mechanic due to his coma. What we can ensure readers is that, unlike past seasons, the Clunkers are certain a playoff run is guaranteed. What makes this promise different is that they claim to be telling the truth this year, whereas prior seasons where they claimed to be telling the truth, they now say they were lying.

Tension has risen in Venango County, with several grandmothers resisting Venango County Customs' deployment of Glacier. Glacier, who has been the subject of controversy for their enforcement of immigration laws in Venango County, has forced several elderly women to separate from their tiny pooches ever since Mayor Blunders ordered the deportation act in 2025. A total of ten Chihuahuas were taken into custody within 7 days due to thier failure to produce papers. Last week, one elderly woman was fatally shot in the face with a spitball after she tried to run over a Glacier agent with her wheelchair. Her elderly state made her susceptible to COVID-19 which killed her instantly. "She tried to kill one of our agents!" Mayor Blunders expressed while holding a gun to the press room. "Her chair was set to bunny which suggests intent to break the agents foot." Mayor Blunders respectfully explaining himself and not threatening us to say nice things about him.... Since the killing of Monet Badminton, elderly women across the county have rallied together to fight against the injustice that is Glacier. With Venango County's budget at an all-time low, Glacier agents have rolled into town on skateboards, but have been unable to surpass the elderly protesters who keep beating the agents with a cane. Mayor Blunders is facing scrutiny from media outlets across the region. Just yesterday, Explorer Depravity mocked his handling of the deportation process of undocumented Chihuahuas. Mayor Blunders buckled down in a press briefing, stating that his five-foot wall across the Butler border is necessary to keep these dogs from wandering into our region. Butler still has not commented on whether or not they will pay for the wall. In the meantime, Mayor Blunders has successfully passed a bill that would allow him to remove $20 from the Corn Planter Township treasury so that he can buy a second two-by-four to lay on the ground at the Butler border. The two-by-four is only six feet long, but may present a challenge for any Chihuahuas trying to cross. If they manage to walk around the two-by-four or climb over it, border patrol will have the challenge of detecting the Chihuahuas and sending them back into Butler. With tensions high in the Venango County region, Mayor Blunders is calling for protesters to allow the legal process to take its natural course, citing that peace is necessary if we are to preserve the union of his self-declared Venango States of America. Note, the United States has still not recognized our secession.

For hundreds of years, white people have failed to take accountability for the offensive hue of their skin. Imagine being a black man trying to enjoy your daily stroll in the hood only to have some bald biker blind you with the sun reflecting off his head. It is time for people to wake up! Fortunately, a generation of young college aged white students have figured out everything the generations before them couldn't get right, and they haven't even graduated with their masters in privilege yet. According to sources, 2020 marked the beginning of several pale privileged dependants figuring out that whiteness is evil. In the five years since, a new movement called "Wokeness" has taken the world by storm replacing the principle of loving people regardless of color with the ethical reality that if you are white, you have no hope for redemption.  White people are beginning to understand this principle and are looking for ways to escape their whiteness scientifically. Between lower paying jobs like picking cotton in a field, and personal contracts offering a life of abusive servitude to random black people, white pricks are beginning to ask what must be done to cleanse them of the evil that is their skin.  A much more controversial decision has been made by some white people to completely change their overall makeup. “We just don't want to be the inferior mistakes we were born to be” says one white man as he pulls the mop out of the school janitor's closet. "I'm way too privileged coming from a line of Huckleberry Finn's." Recognizing that the only way to amount to anything in this world requires having black skin, a minority of white individuals are choosing to transition their tone to be less offensive to their superiors.  “We need to look to role models like Ariana Grande and Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder” says Mr. Jim Crow. “Everyone seems to respect Grande and Downey for trying to identify with black people.” Several other woke enthusiasts consider this a bad move after the history of such actions was not well received. Instead, they suggest taking on similar vocabulary that white men typically fail to incorporate in their everyday social interactions.  “I've been practicing this one word that starts with the letter ‘N'” says a homeschooled girl in Kentucky. “I think it goes ‘Nah-bra’ but I'm still struggling to master the kadence with my slow hillbilly accent.” Despite the relief after hearing the letter “N” she still eventually used the slur… We reported her to CNN and got her canceled… With evil dominating the American population, white people are trying everything they can to transition themselves to a blacker way of life. Unfortunately, no matter how black they try to become, onlookers still cringe at what they see considering the effort to erase whiteness more racist than just remaining white. Scientists say options are limited and possibly may only involve genocide as a solution. Thanos has been informed of the situation so that if he finds the stones, he can resolve this instantly.

In the heart of a local metropolis, there sits a man atop the high-rises of Venango's modern-day pit hole. Who is the masked vigilante but one of mystery and a dark past? No, he is not a hero, but one who secretly tries to undermine the infrastructure of Venango County's greatest wonder of Oil City. The scheme is quite clever. Purchase several vacant buildings and do absolutely nothing useful with them. Instead, allow the buildings to go to waste while ignoring citations stacked up against you. As the buildings crumble, the man greedily grins atop the corner of Seneca and Main Street. He knows that with this villainy, Oil City surely will never recover, even though it probably was never going to recover in the first place. Oil City knows not how to respond to such a heartless individual. With funds needed to keep the fountain flowing with water and the bridge lights lit, local officials call on a hero to help save the day. "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" says the random guy pointing at the brick falling off of one of the buildings. "It's a brick that just hit my face!" Who is this man? What does he want? Why can't he just put a little money into a contractor that could keep his pipes from bursting? The man's name is Nemesis, according to Mr. Seaworld, lead journalist at Explore Misery. He has no life and no vision for the mass purchased property, which had no potential anyway. What he does have is whatever it is that makes him have nothing. He also is apparently not very active on fulfilling vague visions as cited by Venango Extra, a website that until today, we had no idea existed.... What extra stuff does Venango County offer to justify this websites name????? We don't know.... The city has faced great consequences because of this man's failure to act. That combined with Oil City’s 30 years of failure to act really makes for an unforgivable outcome. Will the vigilante pay his dues? Will a hero rise to bring him to justice? Will the decaying properties that wasted away for years before his ownership be made whole again? NO!

The city of Oil City is facing off against a local property owner after several months of dispute over code violations. According to reports by Explore What's Left, the property owner, who we will refer to as Middleplain Adamantium, was booked into the Venango County Jail after failing to pay several fines for his crumbling building. The issue has sparked much controversy with several supporters of Adamantium stating that he just wanted his building to fit in. City officials say that although the northside houses look like they survived a 2007 Haiti earthquake, they will still pursue fines because they need money to keep the fountain running. Earlier this year, leaders of the self proclaimed "city" brought before a swimming sea creature 167 summary citations. Explore Nothing reports that 150 of those citations were dismissed by the gill breather. This suggests that while the man is guilty of 17 violations, this town really is desperate for an inflow of cash. I mean seriously.... How do you manage 150 false accusations????? The lead for Explore Wastelands article describes Adamantium as the "longtime nemesis of Oil City code enforcement." Seriously???? You're back to this crap???? He just failed to pay fines. It's not like his crimes were an attempt to foil the code enforcers plans of fining other people.... "I'm just not making enough off of these other code violators..." states the code enforcer in a universe existing in Journalist Seaworld's head. "It's that nemesis of mine! He foils my income by failing to pay his fines! I WILL GET YOU FINE EVADER!" They got him.... Now that the fine evader is under the protection of the Oil City prison, code enforcers are forced to wait for his release before hitting him with another 150 citations. In the meantime, all the other crumbling buildings in town will remain unprovoked since they probably have no money to pay fines anyway. According to sources, all those tax dollars go to keep the bridge lights on meaning they'll have to wait for Adamantium's release to get a steady flow of income once again. Of course, you could also ask the druggies under Veterans Bridge for a loan.

It is the ethical responsibility of every social media user to drag a person’s name through the dirt, whether rumors are true or completely made up. Such is the case for a sports analyst who may or may not be a prick. We don't know because we haven't heard of her before. But we are still going to believe some meme with no resource presented from a Facebook page that looks sketchy. Jemele Hill is a sports writer that really is as famous as the amount of people who have heard of her. We're not saying she's not famous. We just haven't heard of her and have no idea where she sits on the scale. A report hit social media yesterday from one of those pages with a name you also have never heard of before. It wasn't long before several other pages you haven't heard of before also started making the same report. Oddly, no big-name outlet known by everyone backed up the claim that she accused the Steelers of racism for his decision to step down. Nevertheless, like the rest of the internet, we are going to choose to hate her without verifying if she really made that claim because apparently it makes us good people to drag a person’s name through the dirt without double-checking. What's that? She never actually said that Tomlin left the Steelers because of his color or that they need a black coach to make it right? She even posted a status to Threads saying she made no such comments? Well this is embarrassing... Oh well… let’s just hate her anyway because it really hurts to admit we were wrong. By the way, it would be kind of weird if Art Rooney decided he no longer likes black people after 19 winning seasons with Tomlin. He technically barely got those last few winning seasons, but that would be a pretty weird reason to start hating an entire race. That's like 95 percent of your team! I don't know… maybe he just didn't notice Tomlin’s color until the end of Sunday’s game. Rodgers’ last pass results in a pick six, and it finally hit Rooney that Tomlin is black. It's like he's racist but doesn't see color… I don't know if I should respect that or ridicule him. Either way, we can guarantee that the reporter was not so stupid to think this. She literally says it! Oh! As for that Facebook “news” source, they classify their sports talk as satire… I guess the joke is that they lie to us and we look like the idiots for believing it? I just split my side for your merciless defamation clickbaiters…

The world is preparing for the scariest moment it has faced since that virus with a 99 percent survival rate killed a bunch of people. Reports state that without context, President Trump will do things the “hard way” if Denmark refuses the easy way. Whatever the hell that means. Meanwhile, the world reacts to the king of vague statements, implying that he intends an invasion. I mean… he technically did not say that himself. It could be he means it, but the phrase “hard way” could also mean it’s going to be really hard for him to figure out how to get Denmark to sell Greenland. NATO has responded for what may or may not become a literal “cold war,” promising to come to the defense of Denmark’s cold climate and the citizens divided over whether or not they want a McDonald’s. President Trump speculated to the media this week that the nation refusing to attack NATO members around Ukraine will likely take over land belonging to a NATO member.... Don’t they have some kind of agreement to defend each other or something? It kind of sounds like he just wants the resources and needs a better excuse. Instead of offering to send troops to help defend against Chinese Russians, the president has now provoked NATO so that we don’t have to send any of our own.... That is kind of genius when you think about it. With the rest of NATO now sending troops to Greenland, the issue of protecting the land from communists is now resolved. The fear of a potential overthrow by Chinese Russians can no longer weigh on us now that Trump has successfully tricked the rest of NATO into finally pulling their weight for the first time. Meanwhile, we have the satisfaction of knowing that if Trump still tries to take Greenland, it really was about the resources this entire time.

Snowplow drivers in Erie report financial strains which have reduced them to three blizzards daily. According to surveys conducted by the administration of Get Drained Quick Schemes, drivers say they have no more money to pay for food. “We've been sitting on the streets daily, pedaling for cash between snowfalls,” states Mr. Sea Tea Eee, who oddly keeps slamming his head on his plow. “Our trucks guzzle more gas than we can afford. I've taken out 17 loans just so I can keep this job.” Last week, a driver was reported to have left his vehicle running while fueling. The driver revved the engine and sucked the attendant into the tank. He still has Nikes hanging out of the flap. With weather conditions showing less snow in the coming week, drivers are fearful they will have nothing to eat. Gas prices are twice what they were when they were half what they are. Consequently, the average worker is now unable to afford a quality ramen noodle dinner. “I just want to know that my job is safe,” states Mr. Headache. “I can't afford to go back to my job as a brain surgeon. I'm way too traumatized to be trusted with a scalpel.” Workers are left with no choice but to continue investing in their dream jobs while living off the frozen weather. Until the E. coli levels drop in Lake Erie, no plow driver will be diving for fish to keep their families fed.

A Shippenville pastor is under fire after a poorly timed autocorrect changed his post to a perverse statement. According to sources, Pastor Dunce Pool of the Give Us Clean Hands Church in the Shippenville strip mall tried sharing a Bible verse with a completely different implication. “I genuinely was trying to say that He can turn *** into *****,” states Pastor Pool, who was inconveniently autocorrected again in our article. The international autocorrect system has been seeing an uptick in unfortunate alterations unfit for family demographics. Last week, a man describing his endeavors to read every comic strip ever created posted that he is “working on Peanuts.” Use your imagination to guess what it auto corrected to….. Pastor Pool is now in danger of losing his job. The Church of Give Us Clean Hands announced last week that they will be discussing disciplinary actions now that they have “crossed this bridge….” This quote also autocorrected to a word starting with a “B” just before they posted it to their wall. Now that the Church of Give Us Clean Hands has their hands dirty, the community has determined that they will not be getting what their name is requesting. Instead, they will be forced to call themselves the Church of Post Without Proofread.

Declined attendance in local churches has pastors taking desperate measures to win their communities back. After failed bungee jumps installed on their steeples resulted in unwanted trips to the afterlife, congregation leaders are now considering a complete rebrand to compete with one of the region’s top industries. “We were going to consider switching to drugs,” states Pastor Pedistol of the Foxburgh Community Hypocrisy. “We just realized that a sanctuary is holy and that drunks are easier to handle than heroin users.” With bars surpassing the amount of churches surrounding them, pastors say that it is time to “get with the times.” “Nobody really listens to the Bible anyway,” says Pastor Shortcoming of the First Church of Baptist Uprising. “This is a generation where we trust in the Lord with half our heart and lean entirely on our own understanding.” The new churches will feature pool tables with a quarter slot to contribute tithes, slot machines to test members’ faith, and Wednesday night karaoke to audition “worship” leaders. Note:  Attendees are asked to keep requests non-religious for the sake of our customers. Keep it clean with things like Rihanna. Services will be moved from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. and will last until Sunday Night Football is over. Going forward, no sermons will be performed so that people won’t get distracted from the games they are watching. Church leaders insist this shift does not compromise their values, only their dignity. “If Jesus could turn water into wine, we’re just cutting out the middleman,” one pastor explained while adjusting a tap handle shaped like a cross. Services are expected to resume as normal once attendance improves, or once the church runs out of Bud Light—whichever comes first.

A recent study finds that pretending to be stupid doesn’t determine when we are being difficult. Researchers at Common Sense University conducted a test and were astonished to learn that fake ignorance is an illegitimate expression. The study consisted of several control groups with individuals known to be dogmatic pricks. When confronted with real-life circumstances where they were absolutely wrong, each subject completely denied reality, acting like denial somehow fixed their mistake. The subjects were also presented with various negotiations they formally refused to compromise reasonably on. When asked for a 50 percent compromise, the dogmatic pricks countered with a 99.99/0.02 offer but acted like it was perfectly equal. One subject is even quoted as saying, “I struggle to understand how I am being difficult,” just before gaslighting a researcher’s pant leg. The final results showed no difference between each group. Political enthusiasts were small-minded regardless of their party affiliation, sore losers proved to be self-focused and unconvincing, HOA board members acted like potted plants were more important than people, and Windstream Internet tech support kept hanging up the phone. Between each test, scientists were able to determine that the subjects were not as stupid as they pretended to be. Despite each claiming to think no sacrifice was more than they can manage, researchers deduced that beyond their coldness, they could cognitively grasp morality by the guilt written on their faces. In the end, each member was exactly like the moderators who run the Venango Happenings page pretending that things happen in Venango County.

The President of Venezuela has announced today that he will be stepping down due to a change in life circumstances. According to sources, President Maduro feels that Venezuela is no longer home to him and has officially decided that it is time to move on from his presidency. “I just feel like I have so much going on right now. That life is taking me away from my work,” states Maduro. “I would love to get back to leading this nation. But unfortunately, my hands are completely tied.” Maduro doesn't want to leave the nation with no one in the role of leadership. He is offering to continue leading until he can find a successor. Alternatively, the U.S. has also offered to lead the nation temporarily so he can focus on whatever is keeping him confined. Until a successor can be found, one thing is for sure. Maduro will have to decide. Between leading his nation or committing fully to the tasks that have prevented him from doing a good job, chances are he doesn't have a choice in the matter.