It is the first war in history that has not resulted in a single casualty. Three counties are currently facing a noncombative stalemate due to the impenetrable nature of various soldiers, as well as the fear of other more vulnerable soldiers getting hurt in the conflict. Washington County has successfully reached their objective of Mount Washington in Pittsburgh. After months of demands for Allegheny to surrender the natural monument, Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, has sent his army of George Washington soldiers to take the location by force. Now they are trying to figure out how to drag it back to Washington County. Washington troops assess mountain in oncoming traffic Meanwhile, in the nation of Lawrence County, a similar objective is at hand for the Allegheny military, who are attempting to take back West Pittsburg from the neighboring superpower. Although Sir Lawrence of Newcastle states that West Pittsburg was never a part of the big Pittsburgh in Allegheny County, Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is going forward with his plan to take the community and drag it back to Allegheny's capital. Allegheny soldiers assess West Pittsburg in nonexistent traffic Early Wednesday morning, skirmishes broke out between the Knights of Newcastle and soldiers serving the Allegheny military. Experts say that this is one of the first times an army wielding iron objects met a military made completely of steel beams. This, of course, is with the exception of when Washington County met the Allegheny military two weeks ago, when they discovered their bayonets were useless against the Allegheny soldiers. The knights serving under Lawrence County seem to be struggling in the battle for West Pittsburgh, as they foolishly decided to arm themselves with fireworks rather than traditional swords. With Newcastle being the self-proclaimed firework capital of the world, the armies serving Lawrence County are finding that the rockets being launched towards Allegheny soldiers do not have enough firepower to harm the enemy due to their steel skeletal structures. Meanwhile, in the Battle of Mount Washington, Allegheny soldiers are pleading with Washington troops to stop their advancement. This is not to suggest that the Allegheny soldiers are being overrun, only that after discovering their steel beams are incapable of shooting projectiles, they realize they have nothing to fire at the enemy to discourage them from progressing to Mount Washington. This forces them to resort to verbal requests for the enemy to stop and turn back to where they came from. Allegheny combats Washington with requests to stop Washington County soldiers have refused to listen to the plea for them to retreat back to their homeland. Now they have successfully reached their objective of Mount Washington. Unfortunately, they are finding it completely impossible to move the natural terrain back to their home county. Pittsburgh would try to prevent them from moving it. But as we explained before, there's really no sense, since the troops are finding no success in moving it.

An Oil City resident is under fire after admitting his involvement in the destruction of the northern steeple of St. Stephens Church. According to unreliable sources, the man responsible was attempting to hang a banner with 93 theses on it before causing the top portion to implode. His excavator has been confiscated along with monk status. "I just had a bunch of ideas to share." States the man who has been identified as Marty McLuthy. "I wasn't trying to destroy the steeple. Just show off my ability to print a thousand words..." Unfortunately, the steeple is not salvageable because of the careless act performed against the majestic structure. Priests say they would try to reconstruct the steeple to its former holiness, except that Home Depot doesn't sell the same giant stone blocks anymore. Consequently, they are forced to tear the whole building down. As for Mr. McLuthy, a movement against giant crumbling steeples seems to be forming because of his act. Just this weekend, 4 steeples were torn down throughout Venango County, including the chimney on somebody's house. The homeowner didn't complain because he has electric. Marty McLuthy is expected to stand before the priests of St. Stephens soon to determine if the destruction of the steeple warrants a new denomination. Additionally, they want to know what his 93 theses is all about since he ran off with it after the steeple was destroyed. McLuthy has a history of reckless behavior. Last year, he tried proving his worth by climbing the front steps of St. Stephens. That wasn't the reckless part. After making it to the top in a record ten seconds, he accidentally tripped a priest who fell down the stairs. The recent act resulting in the destroyed steeple may be the last straw for McLuthy's role as a monk. The upcoming trial will determine if he has a place in the congregation. If he manages to still have a place among the Catholics, the next question is if they will at least grant him the title of janitor.

The Venango County Supreme Court has temporarily lifted the ban on Mayor Blunders' east wing ballroom to City Hall, Venango's capital building. This came moments ago after Blunders insisted to the court that the project will be funded by private donors. The Outhouse, which was constructed last year after Blunders burned down the original, has seen massive upgrades in the last year. The implementation of an observatory on the roof, fire escape on the upper level, and a bidet toilet seat to douse flames in a fire emergency have stretched the county's budget to its limits. Now, Blunders' attempt at an east wing ballroom has many concerned that the upgrades are too expensive. Blunders insisting that the construction is from private donors has yet to be proven. Nonetheless, the courts have approved the procedure for reasons they cannot explain. The donors of the project have not been identified as of yet. With the new Outhouse being made from floorboards donated by residents on the north side, experts speculate that Blunders is expecting another community effort to be put forth. The question remains, however, if the northside houses can stand another donation. In the meantime, the current ballroom, much like the southern border wall to keep Butler citizens out of our county, only consists of one board purchased with a loan Oil City received from Franklin.

The week-long campaign to destroy the Millcreek Mall is coming to an end after several waves have failed to leave any damage. President Mayor Blunders of Oil City hoped to strengthen relations with Erie by helping to disempower Millcreek. Unfortunately, hundreds of muffins launched at the Mall Gun failed to bring any destruction. Now, Venango County has an even greater struggle facing them. One that is far more pressing than their relationship with Erie. The southern border of Venango County remains open with no patrol to keep Butler citizens from crossing into Venango County. Southern Border Wall President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America has called on the military to help resolve the issue since the county has no funds for a border patrol. Laurel and Hardy have already been to several counties this year and even the nation of Uganda. Now, they are coming home. Laurel and Hardy make the journey to Venango In the nation of Butler County, Mayor Servanthood of the City of Butler states that his citizens have no interest in crossing into Venango County, making Blunders' allegations absurd. In a press briefing this morning, Mayor Servanthood told the press that if Blunders insists that Butler citizens are trying to leave his county by way of Venango, he is happy to tell them to go around. Mayor Servanthood calls out blunders with his military experts Mayor Blunders of Oil City recognized the comment as a direct insult, even though he didn't fully understand what it meant. Blunders says that if it's war that Mayor Servanthood wants, war he will receive. Servanthood said nothing about war, but that's what Blunders heard anyway. Mayor Servanthood of Butler says that he is not interested in direct conflict, noting that he has been good to Venango County citizens crossing over his border as a means of seeking opportunity. Servanthood states that he has never complained about Venango citizens crossing into his territory to reach Allegheny County. However, if Blunders continues accusing him of allowing Butler citizens to cross into Venango, he may send a patrol to Oil City to hit Blunders with a wet towel. The last comment by Mayor Servanthood of Butler has officially escalated tensions between the neighboring counties. Consequently, Blunders has recalled Laurel and Hardy from the front lines of Millcreek to the southern border of Venango County. Although both troops are tired of being moved around, they are on their way back to Venango, grumbling as they come.

A humble Erie resident has gained citywide fame after a mishap that took place last Saturday. A man who from now on will forever be known as Beefcake prevented a disastrous situation when he pulled an intoxicated man away from the stage at the Voodoo Bar and Grill on State Street. Overnight, the man became an Erie legend due to his muscular upper torso and fearless, heroic demeanor. After our article hit the internet, the man who we refer to as Beefcake texted our CEO to say that his life is changed forever. He will never be able to go back to his original name, Jeff. Our founder and CEO, Blobbert Blobfish, was able to score an exclusive interview with the said Beefcake, who from now on has been entrusted to protect Erie's bars from all intoxicated drunks trying to score a date with the singer. “There is a part of me that knows that dragging him out with my right arm was the ethical way to handle the situation,” states the Beefcake. “Had I used both arms, I could have crushed him to death, or at the very least disabled him for life.” The giant Beefcake, who saved the Voodoo Bar from its opposing intoxicated drunk, says that he can't catch a break, as everyone wants his autograph, specially signed as Beefcake. “Even my wife of nobility keeps asking me to crush walnuts between my antecubital fossa,” the Beefcake explains. “I know she's just trying to get me to flex my muscles.” For medical advice, please consult a professional. At this point, Blobbert Blobfish signaled summer intern Bigfoot to bring in a surprise guest for the Beefcake. “You are a donkey pit,” the Beefcake told our CEO, only with terminology far more inappropriate than the phrase “donkey pit.” The drunk, who rushed the stage, entered the room, approaching the Beefcake with a confused yet highly intoxicated stare. “You didn't know about this?” Natural Intoxication asked the Beefcake. “He said that everything was cool.” “This is what he does,” the Beefcake told Natural Intoxication as he rolled his eyes at our CEO, Blobbert Blobfish. “Let's get it over with.” “I thought it would be a good surprise,” Blobbert told the Beefcake. Natural Intoxication sat awkwardly next to his foe with a dumbfounded look. The Beefcake refused to take his eyes off his enemy, flexing his muscles as a warning of his superior physique. “I came here specifically to talk about the aftermath of the situation,” the Beefcake expressed to Blobbert Blobfish. “Did you ever think that the fact that I never told that story, that, you know, maybe you shouldn't?” At this moment, Blobbert Blobfish stood up from his chair and walked toward the exit, confessing to the group, “I thought it would be fun. Enjoy working out your differences.” Meanwhile, to help lighten the mood, Bigfoot stayed behind to play a gentle, heartwarming number on his bagpipes. It's been ten hours, and neither individual has said a word. Our winter intern, Ye Ti, has been monitoring the door to the studio and says that the intoxicated man has rushed Bigfoot six times before being dragged back to his seat by the Beefcake. We will keep you informed as their relationship develops.

The mayor of Warren issued a statement this morning, sending a clear message to Mayor Blunders of Oil City. At 9 a.m., Fossilfuel told the press that if Mayor Blunders does not disassemble his LockRock pipeline, he will sabotage it with toilet water. The LockRock pipeline was an initiative to revive the oil industry by siphoning Warren's oil. It has failed dramatically. Venango County is only able to afford drinking straws. Additionally, the pipeline requires more than 50 miles of connection between the two cities. Blunders' failure to have the so-called pipeline run underground has given the straws an obvious exposure, noticeable to the authorities in the city of Warren. Fossilfuel finds Blunders pipeline outside Warren's refinery Consequently, Mayor Fossilfuel says he will perform a different kind of warfare than what was seen months ago when he launched a diaper at Oil City. This time, he is threatening to reroute the pipeline into the local sewage system. Blunders does not have funds for the machinery necessary to siphon the oil. Consequently, he is forced to use his own mouth. Although he denies his efforts to steal Warren's oil, Blunder's lies have been revealed by the grease constantly on his face. Blunders with grease facial hair If Blunders is unable to find a solution to the pipeline being visible above ground, there is a good chance we may also see sewage on his upper lip in the next week. Such a result would cause intercountial backlash never before seen. Fortunately, Venango County is not much of a threat to the city that has managed to keep their oil industry.

Erie's most famous outdoor happy hour experience is now facing the risk of losing a chunk of their demographic. According to reports by the Erie Eardrum, an entrepreneur is planning to open up an outdoor catering experience with a unique twist Oliver's has not adopted. The woman responsible for opening the monstrosity is one Karen Suckit, of 865 Prick Street. Karen states that she has wanted to offer an experience to Erie that would give Oliver's a run for its money. Now, several Erie residents with a British accent state that they will no longer be purchasing their beverages from Oliver's since Miss Suckit has opened Olivia's Tea Garden. Picture of actual location in the Fictional Universe “We are quite relieved that someone in this unsophisticated territory has come to recognize the excellence of a traditional cup of tea next to a plate of crumpets,” states Sir Wilmore of Buckingham. “My lads and I will be dining at Olivia's Tea Garden and will only consider Oliver's if they change its name to Oliver's Outdoor Beer Pub.” Despite the potential loss of the British demographic, it seems that Oliver's Beer Garden is determined to keep their branding. Experts say that much of this is due to their pride in winning the War of 1812. For context, learn your history “They rub that phrase in our faces,” states Sir Wilmore of Buckingham. “Everywhere in that beer garden, even on their merchandise. You can't go a single second without being haunted by the phrase, ‘Don't Give Up the Ship.’” Olivia's Tea Garden may be just what the doctor ordered for British descendants still impacted by the war. At the very least, the customer base will have the thrill of seeing their cheeseburgers served on an English muffin. Another benefit to Olivia's Tea Garden is the entertainment aspect. Oliver's has been known to feature bands with modernized styles. When you take the name literally, the guitar player reached the age of 11 first On the other hand, Olivia's Tea Garden offers a more traditional and uncorrupted sound. The elegance is unparalleled. British people have manners and don't compete for silly numerical values If you are still sore over the war of 1812, perhaps Olivia's is the right choice for you. All attendees must be sophisticated. All coffee drinkers will be barred for life.

The stalemate at Baldwin Borough is now evolving to favor the Washington County military, despite the superiority of Allegheny soldiers and their steel skeletal structures. Washington troops have decided to progress towards Pittsburgh after noting that the enemy does not want to harm them. According to reports from the Pittsburgh Pothole Gazzet, Allegheny soldiers are unwilling to strike their foe after finding out the enemy's iron bullets and bayonets are too weak to penetrate their steel skin. Despite the enemy having intent to kill, Allegheny has decided it isn't fair to hit Washington troops over the head with their steel beams. Washington County is now taking advantage of this technicality by choosing to march toward Pittsburgh and their objective of Mount Washington. Meanwhile, the soldiers sent by Mayor Steelhead to defend the territories of Allegheny County are putting forth their best effort to beg Washington troops to return home. So far, it isn't working. If Washington County soldiers are able to successfully reach Pittsburgh and their objective of Mount Washington, Allegheny soldiers will be tasked with finding a way to prevent Mount Washington from being removed. Additionally, Washington troops will be tasked with the objective of figuring out how to remove it. Meanwhile, in the western county of Lawerance, a similar battle continues for the industrial city of West Pittsburg. Allegheny Troops are moving northward and are expected to make their move any day now as the knights of Newcastle prepare to defend their territory. The war between the county's of the south is escalating. As the war continues, residents are told to stay inside for dramatic effect. We will continue to inform you of events as we think of them.

The city of Erie faced the dilemma of two village idiots running rampant in the town during Saturday's Celebrate Erie festivities. An unidentified man, who we will refer to as Natural Intoxication, rushed the stage during a performance at the Voodoo Bar and Grill. The Venango Republic has already covered the story pertaining to the first idiot in our last article. It was our creator who managed to lose his car. In this instance, the second idiot posed greater dangers to the public, as protecting band members required the intervention of a 45-year-old beefcake and a skinnier bar owner with the same name. “He put up a fight, until I managed to squeeze him,” states the beefcake, who probably could have handled the situation on his own. Several participation trophy winners tried to help the best way they knew how, by jumping on the man and slowing the beefcake's progress to the exit. Meanwhile, the band continued playing, as if the confrontation taking place in front of the stage could not be seen. “The guitar I was using, I got for Christmas,” states Josys Onvacation, lead guitarist for Tapped In. “But if I had an older guitar, I would have smacked him across the room.” The bar owner was the first of the group to be assaulted when the perpetrator allegedly grabbed his wrist. “He grabbed my wrist,” states Majic Voodoo Johnson, owner of the Voodoo Bar and Grill. “I had no choice but to push him away, for fear that he could crush me with his 500-finger death punch.” It was at this moment, the beefcake intervened, dragging the perpetrator towards the exit. On the way, the perpetrator managed to grab a hold of a tent he hoped to take as an offering for his lifelong restraining order. A state of the art recreation of the event can be seen below without the use of AI. “I am just so proud that my beefcake was present to help protect everyone from this dangerous monstrosity, who assaults bands and tents with the same aggression,” states the wife of the beefcake, who removed the said man. The perpetrator was arrested at the scene of the crime, but evidently released later that day. We say evidently because he tried returning to the same bar, where police were once again dispatched to arrest him again. It's unclear if the perpetrator has been set free a second time. In the event that he has, we ask that if you see someone acting as if they have had a sip from the object in the picture below, please call Jenny at 8675309.

A visitor to Erie's annual Celebrate Erie festival, managed to lose his car due to a simple oversight of NOT noting which street he left it on. This came after personal stupidity drove him to ignore corner street signs that were clearly visible when he walked right by. According to sources, the man who lost his vehicle has been identified as the creator of the Venango Republic. After arriving at approximately 12:42 p.m. on Saturday, he exited his car just beyond the corner of 4th and French, before walking to the nearest detour that would inevitably go unremembered. “I know I should have taken note that my vehicle was on 4th Street, just beyond where French crosses over,” states the dunce of the weekend. “However, I felt that it would be best for me to walk an illogical distance, make a right turn, and not take note of anything until I reached the corner of 6th and Holland Street.” The strategy seemed to work in a universe where idiocy equals intelligence. Although our creator's attempt to find the vehicle only covered areas where he did not park it, police were at least able to use the information to determine where the vehicle was not. The search for every spot the car wasn't continued for roughly two hours before our creator had the brilliant idea to look at his Google GPS tracking history. At this point, the car had already been reported to the police as missing. The first officer on scene was so concerned for the welfare of the driver, he first asked if our creator was drunk. We're not kidding. He actually asked our creator if he had was drunk. When the cop was able to determine that the author behind our satire was merely lacking common sense, he generously placed him in the back of the police vehicle. The temporary custody lasted as long as it took the officer to drive our maker to the corner of 4th and French. Though reluctant to let our maker drive home, for fear that he had also lost his mind, the policeman took a chance when he noted that our satirical author could at least open a door knob. He let the car loser go. Researchers at Gannon University have assessed blood samples of the person responsible for losing their own vehicle. They have confirmed that he was homeschooled and is not a resident of Erie.

It was a daring but necessary act to impress the friend who lacked courage to do the same pointless thing. Young Francis Footmodel risked everything Tuesday night when he approached a strangers house, driving the heel of his foot gently into the lowest possible level of the front door, before making his daring escape. Click picture for video "I was scared for sure." Francis Footmodel told the press. "I really tried to keep it light because breaking my foot would ruin my ability to run like a coward. Secondly, I would lose my job as a footmodel." The video was posted that evening by an Erie resident. Because we do not use real names on our publication, we will refer to him by his Google definition. Out of respect for the resident in discussion, do not look up that baby dragons name. According to Bright North, the act performed against his domicile was "not cool" even as a variation of Ding Dong Dash. Other commenters were also puzzled as to how a child with such ambitions to becoming a UFC legend could kick with such a delicate touch. Evidently, not everyone understands how gentle that kick was. Other commenters joined the discussion suggesting what means of action they would take if someone kicked their front door below the belt. Their names have been blurred to protect the innocent. A young naive child, gently kicks your door, and you stress your dog's phonophobia? I'm just saying, if you're worried about a child harmlessly terrorizing the neighborhood with light kicks, shouldn't we be worried about that dog getting loose? Relax people. The simply mean they are going to capture the child and make them sit in those hard benches you find in traditional churches. Again with the shock emoji's. He is simply stating that this is a wonderful alternative to intentionally stepping in front of the line of fire. He is in no way endorsing people intentionally trying to get shot by kicking a door. Oops! We forgot to blur the first name.... That's embarassing... But yeah, you clearly did not see his kicking power. Why not just put the dog behind you? A huge percentage of people coming to your house are not evil. I'm sure if Pennywise comes, you'll have enough warning time to say "sick um!" Typical adults. "Our generation gets a free pass. What's with this generation of door kickers?" 56 likes suggests this happens. No wonder they want to ban guns in Erie. I'd say ban pitbulls, but I honestly think its the owners who need banned. Bottom line, the child was committing a crime. The mild kick sounded like a gun shot which is why the woman in the video could be heard asking if everyone was ok. Coincidenally, the purchase of pitbulls and firearms has probably skyrocketed ever since this video surfaced of a young child running from a house he gently kicked moments before. I can understand why gun safety is an actual training.

The Titusville Aeronautics and Space Administration (TASA) has stretched the limits of space travel beyond what was originally thought possible for Western Pensylvania. A recent press release leaked via the Crawford Carnage reveals another rocket, constructed in Titusville, has achieved new altitudes never before seen by those lacking in inteligence. Mayor Dumbdumb tests 15th rocket this year Details are limited, with East Crawford reporters only braging about the altitude, brand, materials, names of scientists, location of purchase for the rocket materials, estimated audience size during launch, and what town is taking credit for what they deem a "historic moment in world history." The Venango Republic has chosen not to expose our readers to such obnoxious pride because of our deep fundamental values. Instead, we are going to make up achievements Oil City hasn't accomplished, and brag about those. This morning, Oil City became the first community in the world to shine a light into space while simultaneously blinding an overhead dove. Unfortunately, the dove did not dodge the plane propellers. Nonetheless, spectators were able to gather the remaining feathers for the local museum. In honor of this occasion, we are citing Oil City as the first community in the world to achieve this kaos.... Well done.... Despite the recent achievement, Mayor Blunders of Oil City says he is not satisfied falling second to East Crawford in the race to space. Blunders has ordered the rebirth of the Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration (VASA). Donations are now being requested for the purchase of a new rocket from Walmart. Meanwhile, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville states that space exploration is just around the corner. The only barrier standing between them and the this goal is figuring out how to fit human astronauts inside a 2 foot rocket purchased from Walmart. Dumbdumb estimates that his top scientists will have this figured out before lunch.