It has been reported by several sources that both versions of Pennywise have been spotted in the Carnival Section right outside of the Clarion County Courthouse. According to several witnesses, the 1990 version of Pennywise, as well as the 2017 reprised role, have both been lurking in the shadows around various rides in the tiny space available. Police are warning residents to be on high alert over the weekend. “I was very scared when I saw those creepy eyes peering at me from beneath the merry-go-round,” states Ted Bundy, a local charmer who spends lots of time with women that oddly go missing shortly thereafter. "I felt my life was in danger. Fortunately, I’m at the age where I can escape multiple times when I’m confined to a tiny room.” Other residents are also reporting fears based on additional sightings that have disturbed them this entire week. According to Jack the Ripper, a strange figure matching the description of the 1990s Pennywise followed him all the way home beneath the University bleachers at the Clarion football field. Other local figures known for their fictional existence have also taken to Facebook, expressing their fears and disgust with the current events. Two other local figures, Mr. Epstein and Mr. Sandusky, also tried to express their fears about the situation. Unfortunately, we accidentally pushed them into the live alligator exhibit. We hope they make a full recovery. Well, maybe just half. Then we can push them in again! Ad Police are warning locals to keep their distance from any suspicious clowns hanging around the carnival this weekend until we can be assured by Stephen King that this is not a publicity stunt. In the meantime, the sewer drain swimming party is still set to take place this weekend, provided no clowns are sticking their heads through the drain.

Blobbert Blobfish is under fire after accidentally slobbering all over a dress he was not supposed to be holding. According to unreliable sources, Mr. Blobfish wandered into Boho Daisy Boutique early this afternoon and spat fish phlegm all over a dress that isn't even his size. Moments before the phlegm "I am extremely ashamed of my actions," states Mr. Blobfish. "Where I come from, fish phlegm is a courtesy. We are very much like llamas of the sea." Locals are demanding Mr. Blobfish lose his job after such a shameful stunt. With Boho Daisy being one of the more respected businesses in town, the CEO of the Venango Republic is now expected to pay upwards of whatever that dress is worth. Unfortunately, we don't know what it is worth because his spit-up covered the tag. "I don't understand what he was doing in our store," states the manager. "Blobbert's wife is 10 feet tall and weighs over 800 pounds. Being a fish herself, she orders all of her clothing custom from SeaWorld." The dress is a minor setback to the store as long as Mr. Blobfish pays up. Nonetheless, Mr. Blobfish will not be permitted access going forward unless he is wearing a mask and carrying a bag of tissues.

A mechanic is making headlines after successfully finding a way to fix the check engine light on a car. According to unreliable sources, Mr. Grease Primate, a mechanic who for some reason likes to sleep at the Erie Zoo, was able to successfully fix a car’s check engine light without smashing the light directly. "It really was a matter of outsmarting the car’s internal functions," states Mr. Primate, who struggled to keep grease off the banana he was eating. Other locals are stunned, stating that they have been working on the same issue for years with no success. "I tried five different mechanics and decided to instead send my car to therapy," states Nadia Business. "My car refuses to get better, and I just don't know where else to turn — especially now that the power steering fluid is empty." Locals are suddenly turning to Mr. Primate in hopes that he can offer the solution they have been looking for. Unfortunately, they are forced to wait because he just went into hibernation. I didn't think monkeys did that.....

A three-hour conflict, which Mayor Blunders falsely reported as lasting three days, may have shifted the war between the townships in favor of the North. According to sources, what is being termed as the “Battle of Betty’s Burgers” resulted in a Union victory after southern soldiers realized they hate Betty’s burgers. “She’s a really bad cook,” states one southern township soldier. “One of the reasons I never come to Rouseville is because Betty’s burgers are the worst I have ever tasted.” The southern townships seceded from the Union less than a month ago after the library tax proposal caused a stir in Cranberry. The newly formed nation known as the “Venango States of America” found themselves invading the South in hopes of crushing the rebellion, preserving the Union, and ensuring that all books would become free. Consequently, there have been ten battles and no casualties. General Rubber E. Pee decided to lead the southern army into the northern townships in hopes of crushing the northern army. If successful, the army would march onto Oil City, where the general would force Mayor Blunders to acknowledge the southern townships’ independence as the Illiterate States of America, thereby ending the dumbest war in world history. Soldiers lined up on both sides of the battlefield outside of Betty’s Burgers. The northern objective was to defend the restaurant for no apparent reason. Spitballs rained down, soldiers caught COVID, none of them died, and the battle was won when Betty opened her doors for the armies to smell her burgers. The southern army then fled back to their townships. Later that day, Mayor Blunders of Oil City stood before a crowd of three people to give his Betty’s Burger Address. “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought to us this Venango nation…” All lies. It was Mayor Blunders who declared Venango County a nation no more than seven months ago. The speech ended with several exaggerations, but people still cheered and cried because it’s in our nature to exaggerate how important we are. As for the soldiers, Mayor Blunders sent them back to the southern townships again because he can’t get it through his head that Venango County is not a recognized nation.

The Venango Republic doesn’t care one way or another. Honestly, it doesn’t kill people outside Oil City to pay thirty dollars for a library card any more than it kills a person to pay twenty to forty dollars in taxes each year to help fund the library. The only difference is that one will give the public library more money while the other keeps things the same. The real question is what benefits there are to this proposed tax when weighed against the negatives. We have joked all week about this possible taxation putting families at risk of starvation and the possibility of no tax putting people at risk of bankruptcy for having to buy their own memberships. Unfortunately, facts matter — and we aren’t good at giving facts because… well… satire. We have some facts to share with you about the assumptions we made regarding the public library. And no, it’s not that the southern townships are not seceding. We’re actually going to let that satire carry on until November after the vote. The facts we want to share have to do with how your tax dollars will be spent on the library. You can then decide what you want to do with it. The Venango Republic doesn’t care how you vote, just as long as we get a Sky Zone within the next year. The director of the Oil City Library was gracious enough to have a conversation after citing how we were hypocrites in returning to the library after calling it boring. We kind of owe him this because we did return after calling it boring. The director — whose name is defined as “any of ten degrees of advanced proficiency in judo or karate” — states that the library spends ninety-five thousand dollars keeping the library functioning yearly. This exceeds our initial estimation, which we set to zero. We really are turds. According to the karate judo master of library reading, fifteen percent of that yearly spending goes toward updating books, fifty percent goes toward paying staff, and the rest covers other expenses such as utilities. And here is what it breaks down to: 1. Books: $14,250 2. Staff (divided by the five I see in there every day): roughly $9,500 a piece, give or take 3. Other expenses: $33,250 So, in other words, a lot goes toward keeping this place going. Meanwhile, the people keeping it in place probably make less than a desirable wage. What is your money paying for then? What if you are the type who doesn’t read and doesn’t ever go to the library? Here’s what I can say: Your money is paying for a community space in a region that already doesn’t have many places for families to go when they are looking for somewhere to take the kids. Yes, we do have parks in the region. The problem is, when wintertime comes, you can’t take your kids to the park because you’re going to risk them sticking their tongue to the metal pole — and there you will find yourself in a real-life version of a Christmas movie. Consequently, you have the choice between driving an hour and a half to Erie, an hour and a half to Pittsburgh, or less than ten minutes from your house to go to the library. I initially asked the director of the library to offer me numbers depicting the amount of traffic they get — ranging from books being checked out, to library cards being applied for, to people who come through on a regular basis. I’m going to be honest, I struggle to believe the numbers, which is why I’m not sharing them. Firstly, because I think the library director is a very nice guy, and I don’t think he would be the type to lie. Part of me wonders if I misheard some information, and another part of me doesn’t want to doubt him publicly in an article where these details really don’t matter. If I had some hard data to show you, I would reveal what numbers were shared. Here’s what I will tell you, though: regardless of whether or not people go to the library in high volumes or low volumes, the facility does make for a useful place when you need an area to accommodate your children. Last year, I was living at my friend’s house in a confined space where I could not have my kids. I was limited to two hours for two days a week in visitation with them — just because I was too dumb to know how the court system worked. Two hours is not enough time to drive my kids to Erie and back while also doing something fun. It is, however, just enough time to go to the library, spend time with your kids for a couple of hours, and then return them home. For that reason, I can appreciate the library’s existence. At the same time, when you are going to the library two days a week for multiple months, you do become sick of it when it’s the only place you have to visit. In my case, the minute I was able to get more time with my children, I started taking them to places outside of Venango County. Because frankly, going to a museum is much more fun than going to the library every week. I have mixed feelings about this situation because, in a sense, if it wasn’t for the library in the wintertime, I wouldn’t have had a place to focus solely on my kids. Given the time I was limited to — and the lack of options that Venango County has to offer people in that sort of situation — I do appreciate the library’s existence. But at the same time, I grew very bored of going and only recently returned once, just to do something a little different than driving my kids several hours away to find something outside the county. With that said, I don’t really have an opinion on how people should vote. I don’t care. Do I think the library needs extra money? After reviewing what kind of pay these employees are likely getting, I would say yeah — it would benefit the workers who are there. However, the library has already said that they have enough money to update books on a regular basis. I’m not sure if they actually need the money for that or not, because I’m not sure how much more funding would be required, if any at all. What I do know is that it doesn’t kill people in Cranberry to spend thirty bucks a year for a library card. And it does seem kind of unfair to impose a tax on people who don’t visit the library at all. On the same token, if the vote does go through, it’s not going to kill those people who don’t visit the library to have to pay that extra tax. You’re able to afford that much every month on a Netflix subscription — so I don’t think it’s going to kill you. Vote whichever way you want. As for the director, here’s one way he described the library that I can appreciate: “A library is what you make of it.” So true. I once tried to turn it into a deli. I was able to make three whole sandwiches before they kicked me out.

Over the last seven months, the Venango Republic has featured several articles on local businesses that we classify as the gems of the county. In this pursuit, we have met several wonderful people willing to take a chance on a comedy news website reviewing their establishment. Among those people is the owner of the Oil City Exchange, who graciously allowed us to come in and sit down for an interview. Because we don't use real names on this website, we will give the owner an alias and substitute the first letter of his name with a G to conceal his identity. We would like to thank Geff for allowing us to come in. We will preface this article by saying that although this is a comedy news website, this review is meant to highlight what makes the Oil City Exchange worth a visit. There will be jokes mixed in from time to time because of the nature of our platform. However, the overall context of this article is to give the reader an idea of what the Oil City Exchange has to offer. Here is our review.... The Entry Once you enter the building, you get the sense of a lively atmosphere. As you can see in the picture, there are only a few people at the bar. But the bright lights, reverberating echoes, and bright colors mixed with the classic feel of the ceiling design make this building feel like a hotspot. One can only imagine what potential this place has if it can max out its capacity in customers. Due to the lack of demand, the upper floor is not in use at this time. But just imagine what kind of dining experience this place could have been in its heyday if it wasn't a bank. A multilevel restaurant with a balcony overlooking the lower floor. A jazz band playing orchestral compositions while couples dance the night away. The lower level enjoying their time while trusting that no one on the upper balcony will drop a loogie in their soup. This place gives the vibe of a classic fine dining experience. The Food We (as in the only guy who runs this website) had the pleasure of trying three different dishes recommended to us by Geff. The main entrée was a po’boy sandwich with shrimp that, according to Geff, is intentionally supposed to fall out of the sub. This way the people eating the sandwich feel like they are getting a bonus fry-in shrimp on their plate. The sandwich has a crispy texture on the bread. However, it is very airy and personally not my favorite out of the three things I got to eat on my first visit. Nonetheless, it was filling and the shrimp was well prepared. My advice for anyone eating this sandwich is to request a dipping sauce to go with it. A fair portion of the shrimp does stay in the sandwich. However, the ones that do fall out initially become an extra side to your dish that can use the dipping sauce. One of the pros of this sandwich is that they pack it with so much shrimp, you could start your own business with Forrest Gump. I found the Meat Candy to be the most unique and flavorful out of all the dishes I tried. The sauce used to marinate these beautiful blocks of joy is made in-house and tastes as good as it looks. I personally enjoyed this dish. Although I found the coleslaw with it to be dry, the meat itself was worth coming in for. Just like the shrimp from the po’boy, I would recommend requesting some kind of dressing to go with the cabbage shreds beneath. Maybe it's a style of dish from some part of the world I don't understand. But I mean, really.... Nobody takes a head of lettuce and says "I'll just eat it unprepared." What I most loved about the Hushpuppies is the butter that came with them. I'm not one for spice. However, I am trying to give an honest review and chose to get the full experience because I don't want to be a wimp about it. The first butter to come with the Hushpuppies is the sweet honey butter. Although the Hushpuppies on their own are delicious, it is the butter on top that really sells the flavor. The sweet honey butter was incredible. That mixed with the texture of the Hushpuppies’ crunch was just phenomenal as a combo. If I did this over, I would request the butter to be melted prior to it being served just to see the difference. Personally, having it at room temperature and more solid kept it from having the glaze effect I would have preferred. But it was still delicious. The hot honey butter was also really good. I found that the sweet flavoring inside of it had more presence than the spice and I was able to tolerate it. The Hushpuppies themselves are a great option as an appetizer and something I would definitely try again during a future visit. Something I would love to see the Exchange offer is a cinnamon glaze option to include with this dish. It would be just like a Taco Bell Cinnabon with cornbread. For anyone starting off on the journey of drinking beer (aka, me), this drink is probably the least potent out of all the ones I tried here. After drinking it, there was a bit of a warm calm I felt. I'm not sure if that is the clear skies or the jet lag. What I will say is that just as the menu describes, it is light compared to other beers. As one who is trying to get used to alcohol, this drink definitely put me through the storm. The menu's description of this drink is that it is hazy, tropical, and smooth. The only problem is that I was homeschooled and forbidden to drink any alcohol until I was 29. I know this is called Jet Lag for those of you who are accustomed to beer. As for me, this was more like Jetfuel. The Elderflower is made by Side Hustle Brewery and is a hard seltzer with a berry base. The drink is gluten-free and has a low sugar content. As one who personally enjoys a good seltzer, I can say that this one has its own flavor distinct from other kinds of seltzers. A lot of seltzers you buy from the store may advertise as having diverse flavors. However, when you get them home, they taste the same. Not the case here. You can genuinely taste the berry flavor in the drink, and for seltzer lovers, this is a good option. The Passion Fruit Mango is another hard seltzer with a tropical flavor. It is low in sugar content and gluten-free. The flavor of this one is not as strong as the berry. However, it is still distinguishable from plain seltzer. I wound up returning for another visit to experience more of the Exchange’s line of beverages. I asked for the waitress’s recommendation and was advised to try the Bloom because it is apparently one of their most popular drinks. Anyone who reads my reviews knows that I am learning to build a tolerance to alcoholic drinks. This one, I have to say, gives you the kind of kick you get when you try to chug apple cider vinegar. I'm not saying it tastes like that. I'm just saying that if you are not used to alcohol, this will surprise you if you drink it too fast. Fortunately, I know to start off slow when it comes to alcohol. The surface of this drink has a great flavor from the foam on top. Once the alcohol hits your tongue though, you do experience a bit of a sour sensation mixed with the sweet flavoring. The ingredients, according to the menu, consist of popsicle gin, elderflower terrativo, lemon, and syrup. With a bit of research, I was able to learn that the less familiar ingredients are purposed to have the kind of sour kick I got. With that said, I feel bad that alcohol is not my forte. Otherwise, I would be able to give a better review for the quality of the drink. The best I can say is that if sour is what they are going for, then this drink delivers. I'm sorry, cocktail lovers! I'm trying to be like you! I loved this drink. It took me back to my early adulthood life when I first turned 21. I made a point to come back and try some more options before finalizing this article. Personally, I feel like this place has a lot to offer and I could not see myself only submitting an article that features three dishes. The waitress recommended the Jambalaya and I went for it. I will say that I forgot to mention to her that I don't like spice. But that's okay, because frankly, it's about time I learn to handle some Cajun. This dish was very filling and something I recommend for anyone who doesn't mind a bit of tang. The recipe consists of andouille sausage, chicken, and rice. The tang was something I could handle, but I was constantly wanting a glass of water because I am that much of a wimp. If you are like me and have a hard time drinking alcohol, your best bet is to just buy desserts associated with the concept. Bourbon pudding is something I have never had before because being homeschooled meant I was only allowed to have fruit punch. Today, however, I broke my rule and decided to challenge myself to try something new. The ice cream itself is fantastic when it melts to the bottom of the plate. The waitress told me they had run out of smoked ice cream and were using normal vanilla bought from the store. So I can only assume that what I was tasting was the bourbon sauce mixed in. The bread pudding itself is not my favorite. But that's probably just because bread pudding in general is not my go-to. I think what really sells the flavor of this dish is the bourbon sauce. The Dusted Dividends are a very pleasant dish to try. I was afraid the powdered sugar would be dangerous to ingest because of the possibility of inhaling it. Sorry.... PTSD from past desserts.... The breading is soft, and the espresso whipped cream that comes with it adds a sweet flavor that magnifies its taste even more. Although it is sweet, it is not the kind of sugary flavor that makes you sickened after eating too much icing on a cake. This is actually really good and something that may cause me to develop a powdered sugar addiction. The Smash Burger has two juicy stacked patties. It is served on a toasted brioche bun with melted American cheese and vegetables. It features the Exchange’s in-house sauce, which consists of a mayo base. The executive chef, who requests we refer to him as Cosmic Charlie, has a background in meat fabrication.... Is this a real background or did is he fabricating his story???? He states that the burger is made up of short rib, brisket, and chuck roast. According to Cosmetic Charlie, the Exchange sauce is a "heavily mustard-based sauce that pairs perfectly with the rich flavor of ground beef." This burger was a really good in-house dish. The sauce gives it a taste separate from other burgers you may purchase at other establishments. After hearing Mr. Charlie express the perfection of this beef, we are wondering if the cows that were slain for this plate were holy cows, or just perfected through the process of meat fabrication. We are waiting on his answer. Other Features The Exchange is in a building that holds a lot of history dating as far back as whenever its history started. Below are several Easter eggs you can experience while visiting the restaurant. On the first level, visitors can see a safe that likely existed whenever the bank was using the building. Experts believe this safe was used to hold the money when people opened accounts. The giant door would have been convenient to protect against burglaries given its size. Though this is myth, it is backed up by facts. According to Geff, the bill in the picture above was printed in this very building. The vault itself has been cleaned out for the most part and converted into a wine-tasting room. The only remnants remaining of the lockboxes they removed are the lockboxes they removed. There's also a gate Geff locked himself behind one day when he closed it shut. He apparently had to wait for a while because he had no cell service. That must've been boring.... According to Geff, the upper part of this wall once had its own window for a gunman to peer out over the bank. This was essential during the Bonnie and Clyde era because a window in the floor would not have given the gunman a bird’s-eye view. Geff says he does not intend to install a window because he claims he doesn't need a gunman. We personally believe Geff is missing out. So we fabricated the next picture to help him see the potential..... Imagine the potential Geff! The unit above does something extra special for the Oil City Exchange. We just forgot to take notes because we are really bad reporters. Just be sure to ask about the function of this machine when you visit and the people present will share something interesting that we should have included in this article. Long before the Oil City National Bank was a thing, there was another business establishment crucial for the oil industry. The remnants of that business is a safe in the basement of the Exchange which predates the bank building itself. The business was the Oil City National Exchange, which according to Geff, was a short-lived oil industry contract hub in the late 1800s. According to Jeff..... Oooops! You didn't read that.... We said Geff.... According to the guy in charge, the term "by the barrel" as it related to the 42 gallons universally measured, was coined in here. Conclusion The experience at the Oil City Exchange is one that anyone visiting Venango County should take part in. The owner is one of the most polite people you will meet and was very accommodating. The tour may not have equated to a museum experience, but come on.... You are there for the food. What does exist from a historical standpoint is still interesting to say the least. Plus if you like alcohol, you can participate in a wine-tasting activity on select dates while confined in a safe..... I wonder if intoxication makes a person claustrophobic..... Try not to close the safe..... All that to say. I would like to thank the owner of the Oil City Exchange for allowing me to come in and experience this first hand. His restaurant is an affiliate of the Side Hustle Brews & Spirits Company which originated in the United Arab Emirates between the owner of the Exchange and his business partner. In the back of the restaurant they have a mural depicting the experience of thier brewing company between both regions of the world, Oil City and Abu Dhabi. What I find most inspirational about this brand is the importance of the owners dedication to his hometown. A brand like this can go anywhere and arguably become much bigger as a result. However, the man in charge chose to keep it close to home which says a lot about him as a person. I also want to mention that I had the pleasure of meeting his wife who also plays an important role in the community. They have a good thing going at the Oil City Exchange. So be sure to check it out and even meet the people who make this possible. You won't regret it!

Women are protesting outside of the local Walmart after a janitor moved his cart from the men’s facility to the women’s restroom, preventing them access. According to sources, the men’s protest was a success just three minutes after the janitor had blocked their restroom with his cart. Men had gathered outside of the local Walmart, holding signs and expressing outrage that the janitor would prevent them access to their lavatories. Now, it is the women voicing their disapproval. Women protesting outside of Walmart. Not AI generated. The outcry was quickly heard, and the janitor departed the men’s restroom. However, sources say that the women’s restroom was immediately blocked, changing the discrimination from men to women instead. “I was relieved to see that the voices of men were immediately heard once the janitor moved his cart away from their doorway,” states one female who did not actually say this. “When the janitor, however, blocked our entrance, I realized that gender discrimination is still alive — and one that women should also be prepared to protest against.” County officials are once again working to pass a bill that would prevent this form of discrimination from happening in the future. The former bill that was passed less than a minute after the men’s restroom opened up only accounted for the male gender. Now the commissioners are working to pass a second bill that would cover both genders. Ad With the public outcry shifting directions from one gender to the next, a movement of brave young women has taken shape... This just in: The janitor has just moved the cart away from the women’s restroom, ending the temporary discrimination toward the female gender. Both restrooms are now accessible to men and women alike. According to sources, the janitor’s cleaning cart has officially been transported to a room at the corner of the store labeled the "janitor’s closet." The public says that they are happy. However, there is some fear that this discrimination could potentially return as soon as tomorrow if locals do not band together to prevent it from happening. On the bright side, the restrooms look a lot cleaner for some reason.

Walmart shoppers are in an outrage, particularly the men, after a janitor's cart blocked the entrance to a restroom, suggesting that those with male parts are restricted from accessing the lavatories. According to sources, a man wearing rubber gloves and holding a mop pushed a cart in front of the doorway and has been inside for roughly three minutes, preventing men from entering the facility. Locals are demanding an explanation. Roughly five feet away, the entrance to what has been labeled the female's restroom is unblocked by any object, giving women complete access to their lavatories for the purpose of relieving themselves. Men shopping in Walmart say that they are furious at this discrimination, even if it is only temporary. Men are gathered outside of Walmart, furious and holding signs protesting the gender inequality demonstrated by the local Walmart. Many are calling for the janitor to lose his job for preventing the men from having access to a facility that would give them the freedom to relieve their bodies in private. Actual protest according to Chat GPT County officials are working hard in response to the public outcry in the hopes of passing a bill that would prevent future forms of discrimination such as this. The janitor himself has not been identified because of how ridiculous this protest is. As for Walmart, they have not commented on the situation—mainly because they cannot take our respected news outlet seriously enough to give a response. Ad According to sources, there is no guarantee the cart will be moved for the foreseeable future. Locals are banning together to put pressure on Walmart to.... This just in: The cart has moved....

A recent study found that intentionally exaggerating the progress of the region and denying the problems it faces somehow magically makes everything better. According to research conducted by the Wannabe Society, pretending everything is moving in the right direction accomplishes everything — even if it involves not addressing what is standing in the way of progress. "I have this rule to be optimistic, even to the extreme of lying about how much better things are becoming," states some random guy who hasn’t solved the houses falling apart on Oil City’s North Side. The optimism seems to be working for people living in La-La Land. According to experts, they may not actually see the houses falling apart on the North Side. Then again, they might just be pretending not to. When asked to enter a home with loose floorboards, the director of the La-La Land Society stated that he “was not dressed appropriately for such a nice house.” We agree. His tux was too fitting for the mold. With houses crumbling into the Allegheny River, and more influential figures trying to emphasize the greatness of this region, local realists are still trying to figure out what this greatness is being compared to. "I came from a penthouse in New York City to find a nice, slow-paced lifestyle," states a man who is content but real about his location. "I still don’t understand why these enthusiasts are talking like they haven’t seen a picture of a city skyline." Perhaps it is the negativity the optimistic people hate. According to a survey conducted by general conversation, overly optimistic people are just trying to “combat the overly pessimistic people who don’t like it here.” This makes sense considering how well the pessimists receive it. “Just pretend the low points don’t exist and the pessimists will respect us for it. They won’t get mad when we tell them not to have an opinion.” Interestingly, the people who prefer the more populated areas also hate what Venango enthusiasts negatively say about their preferred regions. According to reality, “everyone has a preference, and it’s okay to like something over other things.” Despite this fact of existence, a study conducted by the My Ears Are Bleeding Association found that people feel the need to bash lifestyles that don’t align with what they prefer — not just Venango County pessimists. During a sit-down conversation with some random guy, Jeremy Jetfuel expressed his love for the hometown he genuinely misses. Mr. I’mthinkingI’mBetterForMyHometown responded, “I’ve been there and like it best when it’s in my rearview mirror.” Jeremy Jetfuel used the same joke about Venango County, and the man got offended. So much for equal respect. The Venango County pessimists also seem to be frustrated with the optimists who seem to think only one group is entitled to an opinion. According to research conducted by the We Only Like High Points Foundation, optimists don’t want to admit our population has gone down by 9,000 people since 2017. “We’re a bit put off that this detail is mentioned in the article because it might stop people from coming here,” states the guy who thinks pretending people are coming here will make people come here. Interestingly, he still keeps saying “people are moving back,” even though five times as many are leaving. Way to solve the problem! After being banned from several Facebook pages for simply stating that Venango County is not the size of New York City, the author behind The Venango Republic has one simple message: it’s okay to like where you live. It’s also okay not to like more populated regions. What’s not okay is acting like negative people aren’t entitled to their opinion — especially if you show the same negativity toward their preferred places to live. It’s also not okay to lie and silence people who are genuinely citing the problems our county is facing just because you want this county to "only have high points." Do you think you will solve low points by pretending they don’t exist? We may emphasize the negatives, but at least our humor does more to solve the problem. The Venango Republic is not a pessimistic platform. It is a realistic platform — with fake news mixed in. You got us there. But our humor surrounding the ironies of Venango County comes from a genuine passion to solve the barriers impacting the region, which is why it’s ridiculous for people to be uneasy or offended by what is presented. Do you want to solve problems, or just keep pretending people aren’t leaving? Then you have to be willing to have the hard conversations and admit what work needs done.

A recent act of public indecency took the region by surprise when a man decided to expose himself outside of a Dollar Tree. Much of the county has been talking about this matter in the least detailed way possible because many only read the headline anyway. According to a source we refuse to cite, some dude drove all the way from Butler to Forest County to stalk a woman because he’s already creeped out the last remaining women in his hometown. Instead of driving to Pittsburgh where his creepiness could have lasted generations, he went the opposite way and chose to stalk some girl outside of a Dollar Tree — because nothing screams “hottie” like a woman who can’t afford Walmart. The decision to drive that distance for women who are just as doped up on heroin as the ones in Butler confuses experts, given that she probably had the same amount of wrinkles all over her face. Obviously, the indecent exposure of this man is one outside of our expertise, given that we are civilized men. A deeper understanding of this inhumane behavior requires a much more savage beast who has run naked in isolated regions like Forest County. Hence why we asked our interns, Big Foot and Ye Ti, to discuss the matter on our fictional podcast. Here is what they both had to say: [Soft forest ambience, birds chirping, gentle acoustic intro fades out] Big Foot: Good evening, woodland wanderers, and welcome back to The Furry Truth, the only podcast where sophistication meets the smell of wet moss. I’m your host, Big Foot — lover of fine teas, fresh-baked pastries, and good moral hygiene. Ye Ti: And me Ye Ti. Lover of sticks... and hitting things with sticks. Big Foot: (chuckles softly) Yes, well, we all have our interests. Now, tonight’s topic has left quite the stir among the civilized and semi-civilized alike — a man from Butler reportedly exposed himself outside a Dollar Tree in Forest County. Oh deer me… some people will do anything for a discount. Ye Ti: Man brave... but stupid. Flash forest spirit in daylight? Dangerous thing. Big Foot: Indeed, Ye Ti. And while I do admire the courage to — how shall I put this politely — “express oneself,” I must say, even during my more primitive years gallivanting through the forest in the nude, I maintained a sense of dignity. Ye Ti: Fur keep secrets. Man have none. Big Foot: Precisely. A thick coat of fur goes a long way in keeping one decent. This man, however, chose to behave like an untamed beast while possessing the physique of a frightened weasel. Ye Ti: Me agree. Should try flirting with black bear next time. Big Foot: (exhales sharply through his nose) I can’t argue with that logic. If he insists on acting like an animal, he might as well test his charm on a black bear instead. At least she would appreciate a bit of raw enthusiasm before mauling him to death. Ye Ti: Romance end in tragedy. But delicious one. Big Foot: Tragic indeed. You know, when I was younger, I too lived wild and free. But even as I frolicked among the pines, I always remembered — civility begins with trousers. Ye Ti: Yes. Pants good. Dignity better. Man from Butler need both. Big Foot: Quite right. So, to any gentlemen listening — next time you feel compelled to flash someone outside of a Dollar Tree, ask yourself… Would Big Foot approve? Ye Ti: Answer: no. Cookie? Big Foot: (chuckles warmly) Yes, Ye Ti. Let’s have a cookie — and perhaps a little decency while we’re at it. Until next time, remember — stay wild, stay whimsical, but please… stay dressed. [Campfire crackles; outro music fades out]

We have been joking this week about the proposed library tax dividing the county to the extent of a full-blown civil war. However, anyone who follows this website knows that Mayor Blunders has not actually sent the Venango County military into the South to crush the rebellion yet. He’s waiting for confirmation that the people down south are not using real guns. As we await details about the North’s next moves in the possible civil war about to take place, we would like to take a moment to cover our opinions on the economic impact this proposed tax will have on the county at large. Please note that everything you’re about to read is wildly exaggerated, unnecessarily alarming, and designed entirely to send you into a state of needless panic. Anyway, I hope everyone’s having a peaceful morning. It seems that a huge portion of the population is not in favor of the proposed tax for the people of Cranberry Township. According to sources, people don’t want to pay an extra share of their paycheck to fund the very few who go to the library pretending they know how to read. Additionally, studies find that 95% of people who have expressed interest in wanting to get a library card for free can’t afford a car, making this trip highly unlikely. As for the people in favor of the tax code, surveys show that those trying to impose the tax on Cranberry Township are doing so because they don’t want to have to pay the extra $30 a year to continue having a library card for a facility whose books date back to the 1990s. As we all know, $30 is a lot to spend in a year. Most of these families are using that money on their Netflix subscriptions, making this tax an essential part of keeping them from going broke. Although the imposed tax will help the very few library visitors avoid having to pay $30 a year for their library subscription, studies find that taxes will be raised by several dollars for those who may not visit the library at all. This creates quite a dilemma. For instance, a person whose house is valued at $50,000 will pay roughly $12 a year to make sure that those few who want a library card don’t have to pay out of their own pockets. On one hand, you have people too poor to pay $30 a year, which equates to less than $3 a month. On the same token, you have people who don’t want to pay $12 a year because that costs an astronomical $1 a month. This, of course, creates quite the stir among everyone in the county since studies show that 98% of people who live here don’t even have a job. Because our county classifies as a 10th-world country, and the majority of us can barely afford the bread we keep in our cupboards, we here at the Venango Republic have decided to create our own Feed the Hungry campaign. In this case, however, it will pertain to people who don’t know how to read. Picture of Oil City “Hello, I’m Jeremy Jetfuel, lead journalist for the Venango Republic. Here in Venango County, much of the population is impoverished and incapable of buying their own books. Most of the county doesn’t know how to read. This is why we here at Feed the Hungry have decided to do the most useless campaign we’ve ever thought to cook up—by charging people to feed a system that is outdated and doesn’t need to exist anymore.” “For just $12.50 a year, you can help support the 2% of our population that checks out books on a regular basis. You might not like to read, but practically none of us do. Those who don’t fall into the realm of practically need your support to check out books that haven’t been updated in 50 years. Just remember, there’s no other place for people to take their kids in the county, because we’ve decided not to take this money and put it into a Sky Zone. It’s much more productive to put it into a facility that people don’t visit because they can order online.” “Call now and pledge just one dollar a month—unless your property’s worth a hundred grand, then we’ll go ahead and make it two. Sure, the amount of people being taxed will bring in ten times the money they make off all the library card subscribers from Cranberry each year, but let’s be honest—more money is always better than less, even if it’s going to a facility nobody borrows books from anymore. So go ahead, donate that dollar a month. It’s still cheaper than a Starbucks coffee and far less useful.”

Breaking. A two-passenger airplane has gone missing after a boy accidentally flew it into a patch of woods with a no trespassing sign. According to sources, the plane took off Saturday morning at 6 a.m. and was scheduled to land as soon as the boy's remote control failed to keep it balanced properly. Unfortunately, the plane made a dive towards the woods outside the boy's house in an area that his parents won't allow him to walk through. Authorities say they have no intention of looking for the plane because they have too much crime to deal with in Seneca already, with illegally parked cars at an all-time high. Cranberry's State Police Force of three officers are on the lookout for the same vehicle that keeps parking in the handicapped parking space outside of Walmart. There were fortunately no passengers aboard the plane that went missing because it was too small to accommodate human life. The owner of the plane fears that the foam wings might have broken off after it plunged into the woods behind his home. The parents have promised to replace the plane as long as little Timmy does his chores. Experts say that the multi-dollar plane could cost the parents hundreds of pennies to replace.