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The race to space has reached new altitudes between Oil City and Titusville. The capital of Eastern Crawford has found unforseen success in lawnching 3 rockets into space at an altitude of 10 feet from the ground. Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville considers this achievement a success for his county and is encouraging scientists to push for an altitude of 15 feet in future rockets. Venango County residents are fearful of the neighboring counties recent success in lawnching a rocket into space. Many are fearing this could lead to potential nuclear warheads with the potential of dropping egg yokes on the city's of Venango. Mayor Blunders of Oil City says he will not tolerate Titusville building said warheads. He is currently trying to pass a bill through the Venango County House of Representatives that will fund his new "VASA" program which will progress the counties research in space exploration. If the bill is passed, we will likely see a cold war between North Western PA's two major superpowers. Tensions have progressed towards the intervention of other foreign powers with Titusville reaching out to the capital of Southern Forest County to monitor and control the border. It is not yet clear if Tionesta wants any part in the rising conflict, but Mayor Blunders believes his relationship with the Tionesta Mayor could steer him to take Venango Counties side. "I have never met, spoken to, or even communicated with the Tionesta Mayor" states Mayor Blunders "nonetheless, I feel our relationship is strong enough to have their support in this major conflict." While negotiations with the foreign counties continues pending, Titusville has deployed 2 troops to monitor route 8. The Venango County House of Representatives as well as the Senate are in talks about deploying county troops in response to the recent events. The county can only afford one soldier to take a three hour shift in monitoring route 8. It is likely that Titusvilles troops will be deployed from 9 AM to 12 PM Monday through Friday. Venango will then deploy their troops from 12 PM to 3 PM just as the Crawford troops are getting off work.

Today Slightly boring, a bit of cloud cover with lots of boredom Tomorrow Extremely boring! Nothing to do with a whole lot of boredom. Tuesday Boredness like boredom that has never ever been seen before. Wednesday A slight bit of boredom with heavy showers of boredom in the late afternoon. Thursday Extra showers of boredom covering 100 percent of the county with boredom into the late evening. Friday Light boredom in the morning changing to extremely bored temperatures in the afternoon. Saturday Boredness continues with a high on Marijuana. Sunday Boredom repeats as a never ending process.... That is your seven day forecast brought to you by Put Me Out of My Missery. I'm your anchor, Indiana Jones ...

Researchers at Venango County campus have discovered that alcohol may in fact impact the bodies rationale. In lab test consisting of 25 kittens, professors conducted experiments to see how well the immune system reacts to varrying doses of liquor. The results were staggering. In the controlled experiments, professors discovered kittens given heavier doses functioned less productively with some of them falling asleep permanently. The ones that did wakeup had extreme hangovers resulting in excessive vomiting with some even coughing up their intestines. The mid level subjects performed much better than those which were given a keg. Symptoms still consisted of some vomiting, but also demonstrated severe difficulty in maintaining balance. Meows were slurred as all kittens in this group accidentally stumbled off the edge of the table. Kittens who were given pints performed the best out of all subjects. Though still some issues with vomiting and subjects stumbling onto the floor, researchers could notice a difference in how slurred their meows were. The results were sent to Clarion University for further examination. Professors of Venango Campus received a call directly from the University President himself who in the most professional demeanor he could exhibit asked his employees "what the hell were you thinking when you did this?" Clarion University is trying to sell Venango Campus for the 9th time since accidentally purchasing it. According to the University President, Venango Campus told him they had PHD's just before he purchased the property. He later learned they thought PHD's stood for "physically and habitually demented." Clarion University apologizes for the campuses use of kittens in their laboratory experiments. They say they were unaware of this and plans to not only hold the professors accountable, but change their number so the Campus can't tell them the next time they do something this stupid. This story has NOT been brought to you by the Precious Paws Animal Rescue located on 720 Atlantic Avenue in Franklin, and whose phone number is 814-671-9827, and who upon learning about this fabricated story will likely have a heart attack.

Mayor Blunders has become a subject of controversy in the last week with many poor decisions resulting in worse poverty than the town has ever known. Citizens of Oil City are divided over whether or not he should be impeached because of his reckless endeavors. We sent our stone Mason George Washington out to ask residents their thoughts on the Mayors recent mistakes. So far, Oil City owes Franklin 25 dollars for the new Bidet Toilet System that was installed in the new City Outhouse which also acts as the City Hall. Blunders could theoretically pay this immediately, except that the coffee can containing the towns treasury has been missing since he lost it 2 years ago. The city has done massive search efforts to try and find the can which contains exactly 25 dollars. Unfortunately, Mayor Blunders can't remember where he put it. "The city of Franklin is very gracious to extend this loan to a 25 year period" says one resident of the town "however, we can't afford to keep borrowing money like this." The City taxes are already above the average citizens preference with each resident paying 3 cents a year. With the city only consisting of 20 residents, this brings the city income 40 cents short of the required dollar necessary to be paid to Franklin. In the contract which was signed for Franklin to cover the Bidet Toilet System, it has been agreed that if Oil City falls 3 years behind in payments, Franklin will become the new capital of the county. "This is the worst possible scenario we can be in" stated another local. Residents are not ready to give up on Blunders yet. Impeaching Blunders would result the vice Mayor taking over the town. With the vice Mayor being Blunders wife, the towns folk are hesitant because they are incredibly sexist. We say this because our goal as a satirical news source is to make people mad at us. Blunders says that if any impeachment were to take place, he would not stand for it. The Mayor has set forth a plan to barricade himself in the Outhouse/City Hall if impeachment was inevitable. His strategy would be to cut all citizens off from the toilet until they agreed to reestablish him as Mayor. As of right now, locals agree to hold out to see if Blunders can turn the tide for the town. We obviously know this isn't going to happen because it's Oil City. Nonetheless, the people remain optimistic because they are insane.

The race to space is a major conflict between the neighboring counties of Venango and Crawford. Titusville, which is the capital of Eastern Crawford, is one step ahead of Venango County in their space program. Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville signed an executive order last week declaring a new program for space exploration. Titusville, whose sports team name has nothing to do with their town, finally gave said sports team name relevance when it opened the new TASA facility. TASA, which stands for Titusville Aeronautics and Space Administration, launched their first rocket into space last night on live Facebook television. The rocket reached an incredible altitude of ten feet which is higher than any man in Venango or East Crawford has done. Mayor DumbDumb of Titusville declared today that "we have officially beat Venango County to space." Mayor Blunders received the news of Titusvilles success and is trying to pass a bill to open VASA, the Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration. Although Mayor Blunders doesn't know that's what it stands for, mainly because his brain is too small for those giant words, he signed the executive order made up by his wife who is the Vice Mayor. The bill will be presented to the Venango House of Representatives today. Speaker of the House, the Mayors sister, says she is unlikely to pass the bill because Venango cannot afford a new program. Additionally, she hates her brother vehemently. Oil City has an astronomical debt to the City of Franklin of 25 dollars due to their loan to help purchase a Bidet Toilet System . Blunders wants to request an additional 15 dollars from the city of Franklin for his space program which most assuredly will put the city beyond the ability to recover.

Obadiah Yoder, a Lancaster native, has just joined the Venango Republic as the new traffic reporter. Yoder rode into town today with his family after a 5 month journey across the state. According to Yoder, his family left Lancaster due to the industrial growth and were looking for an area with no future ahead of it. Yoder has agreed to a lifetime of bondage and hard labor. His contract requires daily trips to downtown Oil City where he will ensure the local traffic light changes color at its assigned 3 periods each day. Yoder will also be responsible to inform the public if traffic ever enters town. Yoder is a highly respected member of the Amish community. Much like Oil City residents, he is used to living in isolation. The difference is that where Yoder comes from, people work for a living. Yoder requests that if he works as a traffic reporter that his face not be shown on camera. We've assured Yoder he has nothing to worry about since Venango County doesn't have television. Yoder starts with the Venango Republic next Monday. He will bring coverage of local traffic reports every morning with the exception of Sunday because that's his day to get wasted.

Venango County is the center of nothingness. A region consisting of so little to do, the state governor has considered turning it into a state penitentiary. Locals of the area are so proud of their boring habitation that researchers at Clarion University are trying to figure out what is wrong with them. We here at the Venango Republic believe in optimistically emphasizing the positive attributes of a community.... Yeah... We got nothing.... Nonetheless, we are going to try, and we mean REALLY TRY our best at finding the top ten things to do in Venango County and the surrounding regions. We included surrounding regions so we could exceed the number 3. The "City" of Pithole The City of Pithole, which consists of one resident 50 acres away, and technically has no buildings... I mean it literally is just a field... Why do we call this a city? Random Stump Random Stump is an iconic location loved by the locals. Located in the middle of nowhere, Random Stump was once one of many trees. This particular tree got cut down. The workers left this stump behind. Oil City NO! Marijuana Now legal for anyone with a medical card, Marijuana is used by locals who desperately want to leave but can't afford to do so. Alcohol Much like Marijuana, locals trapped by poverty turn to this substance to cope. It is legal until you do something stupid and have to face a judge. It is currently Oil Cities main form of currency. Bridge Lights The 88 thousand dollar lights used to cover up the rust of this bridge attracts roughly 0 people per year. This not so amazing spectacle simply illuminates and does nothing else, leaving that extremely rare visitor wondering why the heck he drove all the way to see this crap. People unable to afford the drive can achieve the discounted version of this site by buying cheap LED's off Amazon to put around their kitchen counters. Overpriced Fountain One of the unique features of the Oil City fountain is it's covering that stays on 3/4ths of the year. The sad excuse for a city spent 150 to 220 thousand on this thing, yet no one ever bothers to make a wish. The biggest appeal of this attraction is the building crumbling behind it. Cranberry Mall These people were photoshopped. Nobody actually ever comes here. But hey! If you do make it past the potholes, there's really nothing to do inside. Franklin This is literally the only thing Venango County has going for it. There are actual restaurants here that no one will drive 1 hour to get to, but may stop by if they are just passing through. The leaders of this town don't try to act like they're the biggest thing since pastrami, and consequently, have some interesting events like the Blues and BBQ festival and Apple fest. They have interesting businesses inclusive of a couple music shops, clothing stores, and even a furniture shop that surprisingly does well. What makes them worth a visit is that they don't have any inflated ego like Oil City, who tends to brag that they "used to have big industry." Alcoholics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous is growing very popular in the region. Although it is meant to be a public meeting where people anonymously share their stories, the county is considering dropping the word "Anonymous" since literally everybody attends. Stop by and enjoy the county gossip club. Nothing stays secret among residents. As long as you don't tell anyone outside the county what you hear, you are all good. Meetings take place every week at the Oil City pub. Drinks are on the house every Saint Patrick's day.

Oil City National Bank is taking a new approach in attracting new account holders. It has been revealed that the building which has been vacant for the last hundred years will try to draw in consumers using alcohol. "We were tired of waiting for people to walk in" said the bank manager "it's almost like the community forgot we existed." The manager of the bank has thought long and hard about a strategy to get locals interested in money again. "We realize that the towns new form of currency is alcohol. There are 6 sketchy bars on the north side alone, so it makes sense to appeal to that audience." The manager hopes to remind potential clients about the joys of having money saved. His primary target is the councilman who exhibit compulsive spending disorders. For evidence of this claim, click here ..... and here ........................ aaaaaaaaaaand here .................................................................................................................................................... and here ...... Eventually, the councilman will be exposed to the concept of savings accounts and hopefully eased into the concept of intelligent spending........ and here ...... Overtime, the towns folk will also learn what it means to have more than 2 cents in their pockets. This of course will take time because the mindset of alcohol is ingrained in the citizens. Renovations are taking place as we speak. For the actual story about the bank that's been out of business for ten generations, go to the non-satirical source we constantly dump on, Explore Venango .

The battle of Western PA is becoming heated right now! Not so much with Pittsburgh because they still don't know that Venango County exists, but more so Oil City and Franklin. Mayor Blunders made a dam hoping to cut off Pittsburghs water supply. The goal was to force them to surrender their claims to the Allegheny River. Instead, he flooded Rouseville and dried up Franklin's riverbed. As for Pittsburgh, Mayor Blunders didn't account for the creeks and rivers that merge with the Allegheny south of Venango County. In total, he lowered Pittsburghs water level by a quarter inch. Consequently, Venango County took the biggest hit from his decision to dry up the riverbed. The city of Franklin is furious right now and is demanding Blunders resolve this issue immediately. Blunders states that he will be taking other initiatives to show Allegheny County that Venango is a superpower not to be triffled with. Venango County has raised a military of five elderly men. These Vietnam vets are highly trained to handle the worst circumstances despite their frailty. Blunders wants to avoid war if necessary, but will do what he must to show Allegheny County he is serious. In the best hopes of avoiding conflict between the two counties, Vice Mayor Mrs. Blunders proposes that the Mayor travel to Pittsburgh to negotiate in person. Mayor Blunders does not have a plane to transport him and will be renting a small pedal boat he recently used for signing the executive order for the Gulf of Venango. The boat will temporarily be named Boat Force One and will have enough room for Mayor Blunders, a pair of binoculars, and a bag of chips. The meeting between the counties is not official as Pittsburgh has not responded. Mayor Blunders doesn't care and has left in his pedal boat nonetheless. The problem is, Mayor Blunders has forgotten that his dam dried up the river bed leaving him stranded in the middle of the Allegheny River. Rescue efforts are in the works as we speak.

The Mayor of Oil City has taken a second job. Mayor Blunders stated in a press briefing today that "after 30 years of poor financial decisions regarding Oil Cities welfare, it is time to get an honest job." Mayor Blunders will be Franklin Elementaries senior janitor. Mayor Blunders is not concerned about the city being left to his vice Mayor, Mrs. Blunders. He believes that his wife's former experience as the Secretary of Venango County Defense more than prepares her for this role. The Mayor will work between the hours of 7:30 to 3 in the afternoon before going to the City Hall Outhouse to continue his workday as Mayor of Oil City.

In a recent article , the Venango Republic made the mistake of stating that Venango County currently has no accomplishments. Readers objected instantly to the notion and demanded we offer resources to back up this claim. We reached out to local Historians from the Venango Campus to conduct a survey on the County historical records. Harold Dumbottom is the one and only historian on the Venango Campus staff. With an Associates in County History, which the Campus agreed to give him provided he does not practice outside the county, Dumbottom agreed to meet with us to study the last 30 years of the counties history. Dumbbottom opened a giant book listing the city accomplishments. On the first page, he began to read "Ve..... Ven..... Venang....... Venango......" Dumbottom is still learning to read. We took the book from Dumbottom and deciphered a revealing inscription.... "Venango County has no accomplishments in the 30 years preceding March 15, 2025. It will not have any accomplishments for the rest of it's existence either." We here at the Venango Republic were blown away by this inscription. Apparently, someone just before the industry collapsed in the early 90s predicted we would be researching this subject on March 15 2025. They also predicted we would not have any future either. Additionally, there were no accomplishments listed in the book as the prediction stated meaning, Venango County has nothing to brag about...

A mass city wide effort took place today in the rebuilding of the City Hall in downtown Oil City, which also acts as the City Outhouse. Mayor Blunders signed an executive order demanding towns folk to sacrifice excess wood from houses caving in on the north side. The reconstruction came after the Mayor set the old Outhouse on fire earlier this week. "We aren't mad about the new order" stated Emperor Palpatine, elderly citizen in town "my house has gone to complete waste with just as many roof leakages as the old Sears building in Cranberry." The towns folk offering wood from their houses saved the town hundreds in expenses. Citizens gladly offered up their floorboards believing this project contributes to the preservation of the towns integrity. "It'll take a lot of work to clean up the fecal matter that flew across town when the last one exploded" states one citizen "nonetheless, building the Outhouse was top priority. I've been holding it for two days!" Experts from Clarion University predict that lines outside of the new Outhouse will extend to all 20 town citizens. City funds could not cover the new Bidet Toilet System Mayor Blunders proposed for the new City Hall. Blunders insisted that it was a necessary purchase in the case of another fire. The city of Franklin has offered to cover the charge of 25 dollars for the Bidet Toilet System with a loan Oil City will be paying over the next 25 years. Explanation for you young readers... Construction of the new City Hall has been completed meaning Mayor Blunders can stop taking up office at the central City McDonald's.