Madame Gugu, a Venango County celebrity known for her risqué approach and church choir leadership, has left the community astounded after making her 30th public appearance at the local Giant Eagle this week. The famed celebrity has sold so many albums in the Venango region that she is one of the only artists to go copper. With hits such as Controversial Romance, Madame Gugu has caused many in the local community to be inspired by the new generational sound. All 52 residents in Venango County are blown away by the level of unconventional performances Madam Gugu brings to church every Sunday morning, while several religious leaders object to her approach. Several locals are motivated by her decision to wear flowered stockings during church service. “The pastors hate the provocative nature of her dress code,” states Jethro Billdill. “Stockings are supposed to be skin-toned according to most religious standards.” The objections have not stopped Gugu from modernizing church etiquette. Last week, she dared to bring a flute to church while wearing high heels. The reaction? While older folks grumbled, younger attendees praised her performance. “She’s a star we rarely get to observe publicly outside of church,” says one child. “I only got to see her five times since Monday. Hopefully, I will have an opportunity for a picture when I can afford the film.” The appearances may be rare, but Gugu says she is happy to accommodate her fan base when opportunity presents itself.

A local man is making headlines after declaring himself Amish by blood. According to sources, the man is not a descendant of any Amish community, raising controversy among locals with awkwardly long beards. The man, however, argues that his frequent shopping at Tractor Supply gives him just cause for declaring himself a naturally bred Amish man. According to sources, Mr. Yen Wing Wong states that he chooses to remain anonymous at this time so as to protect him from potential defamation among Amish social media. So far, no threats have occurred toward Mr. Wong. He did, however, have a close call with an Amish buggy when crossing the street outside of Leonardo’s Pizza earlier today. Mr. Wong outside Tractor Supply Doctors state that the horse will be okay, as it has only suffered a fractured neck. Nonetheless, Amish pastors and community leaders are adamant that Mr. Wong must stop suggesting that people from their communities shop at Tractor Supply. They even insist that driving anything above 1 horsepower goes against their own religious views. Wong insists that he will not recant his suggestion of being Amish by blood. Earlier today, he drove all the way to Lancaster just to buy a buttonless button-up shirt to fit in as much as possible. Unfortunately, his job will not recognize his sudden religious perspective, since the grease pan at China City has the potential to melt the buttons into the lo mein. The controversy surrounding Mr. Wong’s sudden stance on religion will likely create a stir among several residents in the local community. It is not clear if Mr. Wong will ever be accepted. Nonetheless, he plans to grow his beard proudly, wear his suit boldly, and also carry his samurai in case anyone has any objections.

The holiday season brings about many traditions, along with sentimental beliefs. With this comes religious perspective and non-religious. One of the more prominent traditions is the belief in Santa, a fat man in a red suit that requires 12 reindeer to pull his weight. For many in our world, Santa exists at the most northern point of our planet in frigid cold temperatures with his elves and reindeer. However, Venango County, in a recent study, was discovered to believe that life does not exist beyond the Clarion border, causing the Venango Republic to ask: where do people in Venango County think Santa lives? Several of our fictional staff members went into the neighborhoods of Franklin, Cochranton, Oil City, Rouseville, and Seneca, PA. After conducting several surveys from all 52 residents that make up the county, the Venango Republic found conclusively that everyone believes Santa and the North Pole are located in Clarion, PA. Researchers at Clarion University state that they are not surprised by the results of our survey. Several professors say that they have tried to convince many of the residents to come to Clarion University to educate themselves on the vastness of Western Pennsylvania, which to Clarion University is the entirety of Earth’s existence. Unfortunately, every response they get back comes with the assertion that even the professors do not exist. With the data in place, the Venango Republic can safely conclude that Venango County’s version of Santa will, in fact, be able to cover every single house in the world in one night, assuming that planet Earth has been greatly exaggerated by textbooks.

Since launching in April, The Venango Republic has steadily built its own absurd little universe—one populated by recurring characters who exist not just for laughs, but as creative outlets for the author behind the site. Over time, these characters have become tools for expression, allowing real-life observations, and ironies to be filtered through satire instead. Each figure draws inspiration from real circumstances, personalities, or regional quirks, while also serving a larger purpose: keeping the Venango Republic playful, self-aware, and unapologetically ridiculous. Together, they give the site its voice—one that embraces humor, exaggeration, and creativity as a way to make sense of the world, rather than take it too seriously. Blobbert Blobfish Blobbert Blobfish represents the author’s inability—and unwillingness—to take himself seriously, even when placed in environments that demand sophistication. The person behind the Venango Republic has spent time in settings where seriousness, polish, and restraint were treated as virtues, where putting on a suit was supposed to signal credibility and maturity. Blobbert Blobfish exists as the rejection of that expectation. Much like the author himself, Blobbert may look formal on the surface, but the moment you actually look at him, the absurdity takes over. The author cannot maintain a straight face while pretending to be refined; he feels constrained when forced into seriousness and inevitably rebels against it with humor. Blobbert Blobfish embodies that impulse—the idea that no matter how hard you try to appear composed, the goofiness will break through. He looks serious, but he is so ridiculous that seriousness becomes impossible, making him a direct reflection of a personality that cannot suppress its instinct to be humorous, even when decorum demands otherwise. Jeremy Jetfuel Jeremy Jetfuel represents a long stretch of pent-up frustration that had less to do with hating Vanango County and more to do with struggling to find an outlet for humor within it. The author came from a place where creativity and comedy felt more accessible, only to land in environments that were highly conservative, well-meaning, and often uncomfortable with satire or irony. For years, the desire to be humorous existed alongside the pressure to be polite, agreeable, and constantly smiling, especially in social and church-centered circles where joking too freely could be interpreted as immaturity or offense. Over time, that suppression gave rise to a sharper, more sarcastic edge—not born out of resentment toward the people or the place, but out of frustration with not being able to express what felt natural. Jeremy Jetfuel embodies that phase: loud, obnoxious, relentlessly sarcastic, and always grinning, even when that smile masks irritation. He reflects a period where humor became a defense mechanism rather than a joy. Through the Venango Republic, that energy finally found a proper stage, allowing the author to channel those frustrations into satire instead of carrying them internally. Jeremy now exists as a character on the platform, not as a governing force in real life—a reminder of where that sarcasm came from, and how having a creative outlet made it possible to appreciate both comedy and community again. Jason Born Jason Born exists as the Venango Republic’s advertising specialist because there came a point when the author realized his own name could no longer be attached to the project. Early articles leaned heavily into blunt, exaggerated satire—South Park–style humor that poked fun at local ironies, failed businesses, and small-town sensitivities. While the intent was clearly comedic, not malicious, the reaction made it obvious that some readers were taking it personally. After sharing articles publicly and being blocked almost immediately, one commenter casually asked where the author worked—a question that felt less like curiosity and more like an attempt to trace the humor back to a real-world target. In that moment, it became clear that going “undercover” was necessary. The name Jason Born was chosen instinctively, not as a movie reference for its own sake, but as a symbol of going incognito—disassociating the work from the author’s personal identity so the satire could exist without real-world retaliation. The joke was carried further by claiming employment at a recently closed Pizza Hut, ensuring any complaint would go nowhere. Jason Born represents the phase where the author had to separate himself from his work to protect the freedom to create it. Making him the advertising specialist reflects that period of quietly promoting the Venango Republic from behind a character—an acknowledgment that sometimes, to say what you want to say honestly, you first have to disappear behind something absurd. Flash Gordon Flash Gordon serves as the photographer for the Venango Republic, largely because the original choice didn’t come with long-term legal viability. When the site was first created, the photographer role was briefly attributed to Peter Porker, using an existing cartoon character purely for the absurdity of it. Eventually, it became clear that if the project ever turned into something more serious—or even mildly profitable—that character couldn’t remain. Flash Gordon was introduced as a replacement, carrying forward the same ridiculous visual logic that defines much of the Venango Republic staff. His design follows a familiar pattern: an exaggerated, retro element—in this case, an old-fashioned camera—attached to the body of a formally dressed human, creating a character that looks authoritative at a glance but immediately falls apart under scrutiny. Flash Gordon doesn’t carry deep symbolism or emotional weight; he exists simply because the idea of a well-dressed corpse wielding a vintage camera felt funny enough to justify his role. George Washington George Washington originated from an earlier satirical project created during the COVID era, a time when news cycles often felt driven more by anxiety and dramatization than by relevance. In response, the author launched a parody site called the Outdated News Network, which intentionally published news stories that were years old, framed as if they were breaking events. The goal wasn’t cruelty or misinformation, but to highlight how easily people react to headlines without context, and how much modern news thrives on exaggeration. George Washington appeared on that site as the “official stonemason,” a deliberately pointless role meant to underline the absurdity of assigning authority where it doesn’t belong. Though the Outdated News Network never gained traction, George Washington survived as a character and was later brought into the Venango Republic universe. His presence—a Mount Rushmore face attached to a human body, formally employed by a news organization—remains intentionally ridiculous. He exists as a visual reminder that much of what we treat as serious, authoritative, or urgent is often just theater, and sometimes the best way to point that out is to let a stone-carver report the news. The Extras Reese, I lean, Jen Parker, and Drew Carlyle are grouped together largely because their purpose within the Venango Republic is more symbolic than functional. All four originated on an earlier satirical project called the Outdated News Network, and when the Venango Republic was taking shape, they were carried over as familiar placeholders rather than fully developed personalities. Originally, their images were pulled from real news anchors found online, chosen purely because the faces fit the joke. As the site evolved and the possibility of copyright issues became more apparent, those concepts were reworked into original likenesses generated to preserve the spirit of the characters without directly borrowing real people. Reese became the “point man” simply because his image involved him pointing at the camera. I Lean earned the title of “the one who holds up the building” because she appears to be leaning in her photo. Jen Parker was labeled the “Photoshop Villain” as a self-aware nod to the fact that none of the staff members are real people and all are digitally manipulated into existence. Drew Carlyle was given the title “Does Nothing” because he looks like a legitimate news professional while contributing absolutely nothing of value, a joke rooted in the idea that not every authoritative-looking figure actually serves a purpose. These characters remain on the staff page mostly as artifacts of the project’s evolution—occasionally referenced, rarely used, and intentionally underdeveloped. Dead Weight Dead Weight represents a period of pessimism and emotional heaviness that took hold before and during the author’s move to Venango County. After spending years living at home and then suddenly facing adult responsibilities without much preparation, life began to feel burdensome rather than exciting. Dreams of comedy and creative success existed, but instead of actively exploring possibilities, frustration and comparison took over—especially when it seemed like other places offered opportunities that Venango County did not. That discouragement was carried constantly, like a literal weight around the neck, turning the author into a chronic complainer and a self-described pessimist. Deadweight first appeared on the Outdated News Network as a simple cartoon anchor with eyes and a newspaper, a visual metaphor that eventually became even more fitting. When the character was recreated later with an original design, the result was unexpectedly perfect: a human-like metal figure with an anchor chained to its neck, a drooping posture, and a defeated expression, doubling as a “news anchor” in the most literal and pun-driven sense. Dead Weight embodies that earlier mindset—heavy, negative, and stuck—but no longer defines the author. Instead, the character exists as a way to externalize and release those feelings through satire, allowing that weight to live on the page rather than in real life, making room for a more grounded and positive outlook. Indiana Jones Indiana Jones is another character carried over from the original Outdated News Network. He was originally placed on that site as the weatherman, intentionally leaning into politically incorrect humor in the same spirit as South Park, Jimmy Carr, or Bill Burr—humor that pokes fun at how people often overanalyze what is truly offensive versus what is simply absurd. The joke itself was never meant to be harmful; it was meant to highlight how easily satire can be mistaken for malice when viewed without context. Indiana Jones was moved over to the Venango Republic to preserve that style of humor: irreverent, self-aware, and intentionally uncomfortable in a way that exposes how selective outrage can be. His role as weatherman continues that tradition, serving as a reminder that not every joke is an attack, and not every absurd idea deserves to be taken seriously. Obediah Yoder Obediah Yoder serves as the traffic reporter for the Venango Republic and originated on the earlier Outdated News Network website. The concept for the character came from the author’s brother, who jokingly suggested that an Amish man would be the most logical choice to report traffic in rural Pennsylvania. The original version of Obediah Yoder used a real photograph found on Google, which can still be seen on the Outdated News Network site. When the character was transferred to the Venango Republic, the author chose to redesign him using AI to create a more original and legally distinct version. The humor behind Obediah Yoder lies in the irony of assigning modern traffic reporting duties to someone whose lifestyle traditionally avoids cars altogether, making him a fittingly absurd yet regionally familiar presence on the staff roster. Bobby Boucher Bobby Boucher exists on the Venango Republic staff purely because the idea of having an H2O specialist felt funny enough to include. The character is intentionally modeled after the football uniform and general look made famous in The Waterboy, with subtle visual changes made for legal reasons so that he is not a direct copy of the original portrayal. His inclusion isn’t meant to serve a deeper narrative purpose or symbolize a particular phase of the author’s life; it’s simply a nod to pop culture and absurdity. In the movie, Bobby Boucher possessed an unusual expertise in all things water-related, and transferring that exaggerated competence into a satirical news organization felt appropriately pointless. His presence reinforces the Venango Republic’s commitment to not taking itself seriously and embracing humor that exists solely because it makes the author laugh. Big Foot Big Foot originated as a minor character on the Outdated News Network, where he was listed simply as a summer intern with little explanation or purpose. When he was carried over into the Venango Republic, however, the character naturally took on more depth, largely because of how strongly Sasquatch lore resonates throughout the region. Venango County and its neighboring areas have long embraced Big Foot as part of local folklore, with Forest County even hosting an annual Sasquatch Festival, making his inclusion feel oddly appropriate rather than random. Over time, Big Foot developed a distinctly gentle identity—polite, meek, and overly considerate—standing in contrast to the fierce and mysterious creature people typically imagine. Several articles play with this contrast, hinting at a past where he was once a wild, naked forest-dweller feasting on children, before rehabilitating himself into a modern, well-mannered citizen who now wears a pink apron, bakes muffins, and uses heart-shaped potholders. He often serves as the emotional soft spot of the Venango Republic staff, frequently enduring verbal abuse from Jeremy Jetfuel while maintaining his kindness. Big Foot is especially close with the winter intern, Ye Ti, and appears more frequently than most other characters, having grown into one of the site’s most recognizable and well-received personalities. Ye Ti Ye Ti began as a simple visual gag on the Outdated News Network, created solely to complement Bigfoot’s role as a summer intern. The logic was straightforward: if there was going to be a summer intern named Bigfoot, it only made sense to include a winter intern named Ye Ti. The joke worked instantly, especially when readers scrolling through the staff page stumbled upon the pairing. At the time, Ye Ti had no personality or backstory beyond the title. After being brought over to the Venango Republic, however, the character gradually developed his own identity. Early appearances portrayed him speaking fluent English, but later articles intentionally shifted his dialogue into broken, Yoda-like speech, using simple phrases such as “me hungry” or “me want that.” Unlike Bigfoot, Ye Ti is far less rehabilitated—more savage in nature, fond of raw meat, and only loosely adapted to modern civility. While he appears less frequently due to Bigfoot’s stronger local resonance, Ye Ti remains an important supporting character, most often referenced as Bigfoot’s closest companion, with a friendship that stretches back hundreds of years and survives despite their vastly different temperaments. Mayor Blunders Mayor Blunders was created as a symbolic stand-in for decades of questionable decision-making in Oil City rather than as a critique of any one individual. Over the past 30 years, the city has seen repeated attempts to revive tourism and economic growth through projects that often felt disconnected from deeper issues—such as spending large sums on cosmetic features like fountains or decorative bridge lighting while neighborhoods deteriorated and housing problems went unaddressed. While many of these decisions were never the responsibility of a single mayor, they collectively reflect a pattern of ambitious ideas paired with limited resources and uneven results. Importantly, Mayor Blunders is not meant to represent the current mayor, who has been visibly active in the community, engaged with local businesses, and present at public events in ways that suggest genuine investment in the town’s future. In fact, it was precisely because of that distinction that a clear visual identity was created for Mayor Blunders. By asking AI to generate an exaggerated, outdated-looking figure—a short, balding, 1950s-style man in a suit—the character was given a face that made it obvious he was fictional and separate from any real leader. Mayor Blunders exists as a way to vent long-standing frustrations about past efforts to do “big things” with limited means, or to invest in surface-level attractions that failed to deliver meaningful change, all while avoiding personal or political attacks on those currently working to move the city forward. Mayor Dumbdumb Mayor Dum-Dum of Titusville emerged as a satirical counterpart to Mayor Blunders after the realization that Titusville’s high school football team is called the Rockets—a name that felt amusingly disconnected from any real aerospace history. That irony sparked an early article about Titusville “launching” a rocket that barely made it ten feet off the ground before the town proudly declared itself spacefaring. Lacking a formal name at the time, the town’s leader was simply dubbed Mayor Dum-Dum, not as a jab at any real official, but as a necessary fictional equal to Oil City’s Mayor Blunders. From there, the character expanded into a broader parody of geopolitical rivalry. In the Venango Republic universe, Titusville represents a much poorer, smaller-scale version of a global superpower, mirroring the tension between the United States and Russia. Crawford County is reimagined as its own nation, with Titusville declaring itself the capital of East Crawford, while Meadville—portrayed as far more refined—wants no association with its eastern counterpart. Mayor Dum-Dum is the self-declared president of East Crawford and frequently announces ambitious military and space programs funded by laughably small budgets. These efforts have included a brief, underfunded military invasion of Tionesta that was quickly abandoned once costs became apparent. Like Mayor Blunders, Mayor Dum-Dum was eventually given a distinct visual identity—an exaggerated, towering figure inspired loosely by authoritarian imagery—to further separate the character from real-world leadership and reinforce that the rivalry, while dramatic, is entirely fictional and intentionally absurd. Koala Bearis Koala Berris was introduced as a fictional political opponent to Mayor Blunders during a deliberately absurd election storyline, designed to parody the theatrics of elections in general rather than target any real individual. While the name is an obvious play on Kamala Harris, Koala Berris does not represent any real-life person in Venango County—or elsewhere—and instead exists purely to exaggerate familiar political tropes, campaign absurdities, and recycled talking points that seem to surface in every election cycle, past and present. The character briefly gained relevance during storylines involving East Crawford’s mock military campaigns, including the infamous “siege” of Tionesta, where two troops armed with spitball guns were portrayed as a legitimate threat. Beyond those appearances, Koala Berris has largely remained in the background, surfacing only when a storyline calls for a ceremonial rival or symbolic opposition rather than a fully developed leader. Her role serves more as a narrative device than a central figure, reinforcing the exaggerated and theatrical nature of politics within the Venango Republic universe rather than advancing any sustained plotline of her own. Mayor Intellect Mayor Intellect of Clarion appears only occasionally within the Venango Republic and is meant more as a conceptual contrast than a central character. His name plays off Clarion’s association with a university and higher education, despite the town’s broader economic decline, and serves as a light nod to the idea that access to education can set a place apart from its neighbors. Mayor Intellect does not represent any real person and isn’t written as a satirical attack, but rather as a quiet counterpoint to the louder, more chaotic leadership figures elsewhere in the region. He exists mostly in the background, referenced sparingly when a storyline calls for a voice of academic authority or subtle judgment, making him less prominent but still useful within the larger cast of characters. Jake Horking Kake Jake Horking Kake exists purely as an outlet for the author’s real-life frustrations, distilled into a fictional character for the sake of humor. While loosely inspired by a real individual, no identifying details are provided, and the character functions more as a caricature of arrogance, pettiness, and general insufferability than as any direct representation. Jake Horking Kake serves as a pressure valve within the Venango Republic—a way to take irritation that would otherwise linger and convert it into absurdity. He appears sparingly, usually when a story needs a convenient embodiment of smug incompetence or unnecessary obstruction, and his purpose is less about who he is and more about what he represents: the therapeutic value of laughing at people who would otherwise drive you insane. Mayor Isolate Mayor Isolate is a character born out of the long-standing joke that Pithole is still referred to as a “city.” Despite the fact that every building has been torn down and nothing remains beyond a field, people still talk about visiting the city of Pithole to celebrate its origins. Mayor Isolate embodies the idea that somewhere out there, one lone individual was accidentally left behind, stubbornly holding onto the hope of reviving a town that quite literally no longer exists. He represents isolation, historical denial, and the comedic absurdity of treating an empty field like a functioning municipality. Mayor Isolate isn’t based on any real person—he’s simply a personification of the irony surrounding Pithole’s legacy and the human tendency to cling to titles long after their meaning has disappeared. Mrs. Shruggarty Mrs. Shruggarty is a minor character who only appeared in a single article, but her origin is rooted in a real interaction the author had in a Facebook comment section under a local news post. The real-life individual who inspired the character actually offered thoughtful and creative ideas for the website, and as a playful form of appreciation, the author promised to immortalize her as a Venango Republic character. Mrs. Shruggarty became a customer service representative whose defining trait is responding to every complaint with an exaggerated shrug—much like the shrug emoji commonly used on Facebook. The character was given curly hair as a subtle nod to the real person who inspired her. Shark Head Shark Head is the founder and CEO of the Crawford Carnage, a rival satirical news outlet based in East Crawford County. So far, he is the only Crawford Carnage staff member to appear in Venango Republic coverage. Shark Head doesn’t have a deep backstory or ongoing character arc—he exists mostly as a symbolic rival figure and an occasional point of reference when East Crawford enters the narrative. His most notable appearance came during the September article series covering East Crawford’s brief and underfunded invasion of Tionesta, where the Crawford Carnage was treated as the competing media voice on the other side of the conflict. Beyond that, Shark Head remains intentionally vague, functioning less as a developed character and more as a placeholder for “the other newsroom.”

In a rare occurrence that shocked the neighborhood, the Sligo Town Hall meeting ended instantly when everyone present unexpectedly agreed. According to witnesses present, the town hall opened with the proposal that nothing will ever get accomplished through town hall due to neighborhood drama. Everyone instantly said, “hear, hear, hear,” prompting city officials to end the meeting, perceiving it as a waste of time. The unexpected agreement between participants at the City Hall meeting raised eyebrows immediately, with several wondering whether or not someone spiked the coffee. Several members are beginning to ask if a follow-up meeting needs to be scheduled, just to be sure. Some participants suspect the lack of disagreement may have been due to the absence of one Bob Pain-in-Neck, a resident known to disagree instinctively, often without knowing what he is disagreeing with. The chair of the meeting noted that Bob Pain-in-Neck typically begins each town hall by automatically opposing whatever proposal is presented first, citing “gut feeling” and “just because.” Bob’s absence has since caused several attendees to wonder if the solution to the town’s ongoing issues was to simply exile him. The town hall meeting ended with everyone voting unanimously to not hold a town hall meeting ever again due to the impossibility of making progress. This unanimous decision creates complexity in the proposal to hold another town hall meeting to ensure that everyone actually agrees on this. On one hand, everyone wants to have another town hall meeting to make sure they actually agree. On the other, they’ve already voted to ban town hall meetings altogether, making it impossible to act on this proposal. A town hall meeting will be held next Friday to discuss how to go about this dilemma.

In an act of amateur small-town journalism, ExploreClarion proudly posted a video of road conditions from the ground using their cell phone, while also attaching a sponsor's name to it. According to sources such as their very own Facebook account, ExploreClarion captioned their video stating that these are the road conditions for "Greenville Avenue" before proudly stating that the weather announcements were brought to us by "Kerle Tire Company." Could any less valuable information have been delivered? In an age where weather balloons transmit information from miles above the surface of the Earth to satellite dishes bringing us the most accurate information, you know you're from a small town when your local news organization can at best do what every other guy in the neighborhood is capable of doing by shooting a quick six-second vine to say, "here's what the roads look like." And how much is Explorer Clarion charging businesses to get this kind of crap? Let's just look at their website and see. Usually a deal like this can only be found at Disney World... That's right. For at least $299 a month, you can get the low-quality, half-hearted effort of a guy walking out with a cell phone just to get a quick selfie next to the road. The same effect people get when they look out their window. Just imagine for a moment. You live on the side of town, opposite to the university. You think to yourself, "I wonder if it's snowing everywhere else in town. There's definitely snow on the road outside of my house." You open up your phone. And a half a mile down the road, where the university lies, ExploreClarion posts a video showing that snow is on the road there too. "Hmm, it must be snowing all over town." Thanks ExploreClarion for your expertise in meteorology. Of course, you could go on the National Weather Service website and get the conditions expected for the next several hours there. Or you can get a video showing conditions that are likely everywhere, including the outside of your home. Why are these sponsors paying them this much again? Why are we even turning to them?

The summer intern for the Venango Republic is facing county-wide backlash after publicly posting to Facebook that he does not celebrate during the holiday season in December. According to sources, Big Foot, who has interned during the summer for the Venango Republic since it first opened last April, woke up from his hibernation to publicly say that he does not participate in Christmas cheer. Big Foot's shocking post earlier today... The public is furious as a result of Big Foot's statement on his Facebook page. Several individuals have taken to the platform, expressing vehement hate over his comments, even accusing him of being against religion. Public backlash Several news outlets have sought to defame Big Foot. Only the Crawford Carnage has spoken in his defense, being that they reside in Eastern Crawford County, the enemy territory of Venango. Ye Ti, the winter intern for the Venango Republic, has expressed disappointment in the recent revelation brought on by Big Foot. Ye Ti addresses Big Foot's post... Despite knowing Big Foot for several years, Ye Ti states that the news comes as a major shock to him, and that the disappointment weighs on him heavily. Nonetheless, he respects Big Foot's point of view, and is still willing to be friends. “Me very sad by Big Foot statement,” states Ye Ti. “Me love Big Foot despite being awake different time of year. Me hope he come around to appreciate holiday season.” Ye Ti, who stayed awake most the summer against his nature, was disappointed to find that Big Foot chose to go into hibernation for the winter season. Nonetheless, Ye Ti is in support of Big Foot and respects his difference in religious views. Their friendship goes way back, to the beginning of their discovery hundreds of years ago. Consequently, Ye Ti, who does not understand Christmas in July or summer solstice, states that he is willing to learn to appreciate such holidays if it will encourage Big Foot to do the same. Big Foot and Ye Ti on a pleasant walk together... “Me just want to maintain good friendship with brother from other furry mother,” states Ye Ti. “Me willing to make sacrifice for his holiday preference, if he do same for my holiday preference.” Both creatures sleep at separate times in the year, with Ye Ti typically sleeping over the summer, and Big Foot sleeping over the course of winter, both periodically waking up to check their phones and post to social media. Ye Ti stayed awake over the course of the summer to help Big Foot during his first summer internship, and is disappointed to find that Big Foot hibernated early this winter. Nonetheless, his love for Big Foot is still alive, and he encourages the public not to hold it against his mythical friend.

In a move unlike anything Oil City has ever seen in the past, the Oil City Main Street Program, in collaboration with city officials, met this week to put together an initiative to ask store owners to clean the front of their businesses once a month. This is no joke. Rather than encouraging businesses to invest in advertisement, or even offering funds to get the word out that we exist, they literally just got together to encourage every business owner to bleach the front of their stores. Don't believe us? Here's your proof... We're not quite sure what the Oil City Main Street Program and city officials are trying to insinuate about the hard-working business owners downtown. Are they suggesting that the owners don't do enough to make sure the fronts of their stores are clean? Or have they just run out of funds and ideas to justify putting in any effort to revive this town? One thing's for sure. Based on the video posted to the Oil City Main Street Program Facebook page, they are actually confident that some guy in Allegheny County is going to be drawn to us over a once a month practice. “Finally, they used Windex and swept the sidewalks. It's now worth the drive from Pittsburgh just to buy a rug and a couple cartons of milk.” We don't want to mock too many things. Oil City has put in some pretty big efforts to make events happen downtown. For instance, First Friday has drawn quite a few people. Bridge Fest this past year was eventful with the implementation of the Lobster Truck. And Light Up Night falling on First Friday this year ensured several people showing up. We can even mention that the implementation of the Oil City Exchange is a nice touch along with talks of the new hotel, which we have yet to see if it can survive. All that to say, some efforts are actually proving to be successful. This initiative, however, is still hilarious. Did we really need to get the whole city council together to ask business owners to sweep up the front of their stores? You could have just posted this on Facebook with a smiley emoji. "Hey, don't forget, sweep up your sidewalks. And be sure to use Windex." Grant it, they likely met for other things during this meeting. But talking about this initiative like it's the biggest game changer sounds a bit overconfident. To think, the population has dropped by over ten thousand people in the last 20 years and whole issue was just making sure the leaves stay off the sidewalk. What fools we have been to neglect this simple task! If you think it's worth getting together to make this half-hearted initiative, who am I to judge? I'm only a comedy news writer who dedicates his life to finding the ironies in western Pensylvania. Thanks for the material. This discussion about cleaning storefronts once a month certainly sounds more worth it than addressing this 15-year-long trend on the north side of town... We'll get to you later mini Detroit. We have storefronts to bleach.

Several months of hard work, showing up to games, and ensuring player performance is at its best quality, has officially come to nothing as the Oil City Oil Spills learn that they will not be making the NFL playoffs this year. According to sources verified by the Venango County Liars Association, Oil City's professional football team completely forgot that they were rejected by the NFL for their bid to join the league. The news was such a shock to them that they've spent the entire season living in denial, pretending that they are on the schedule like the other big names. “I was wondering why no other teams were showing up to our Sunday games,” states Coach Numskull of the Oil City Oil Spills. “We were always sure to arrive an hour early to the cornfield just behind the local sewage plant, but were often confused as to why we were winning by default.” Ad The team is greatly disappointed by the results of their season. So far, they have counted every week as a win and were ready to declare themselves the first team to go 17-0 in regular season. Unfortunately, the fact that they were playing nobody on the field could also be interpreted as them losing by default, suggesting that they have both a winning and losing record simultaneously. With the team now disqualified from the NFL playoffs, the coach states that they will continue to show up for games until the end of the season, before preparing for the NFL Draft, which they also do not qualify to participate in. Coach Numskull states that the important thing is to focus on what is in front of them. Numskull said this while talking to a tree.

2026 will mark the beginning of the end for the Cooperstown Library, whose existence has lasted generations. For a town that, frankly, doesn't have much history to justify its own existence, the library was one of the only places people could go to gain a sense of what happens in the world outside of their isolated town. A building that looks like a sketchy auto mechanic shop has left a legacy for the people acting like their dog just died. Now, they must discover a new way to see what the world outside Cooperstown is like. “We don't have any jobs here in Cooperstown,” states the mayor of Cooperstown. “For that reason, we don't have any gas to put in our vehicles. Frankly, because none of us can read, we depend heavily on the picture books at the Cooperstown library to give us a sense of what people do in places all around the world. Even as far as Franklin!" The library states that it is forced to close due to the lack of funds available. The sudden decision to close hints as to why the library tax code was being promoted during the election cycle in early November. Evidently, their population has decreased so much in recent years, they don't have enough people to tax in theirown town. “We don't have enough people to tax our own town,” states the mayor. “That's why, during the election cycle, we tried to see if all the other 20 townships could do their part to help fund a library they probably were never going to visit.” Consequently, a sudden closure of the library means that the building will undoubtedly be converted into another Dollar General. With this will evidently come a population of impoverished goths who wear pajamas everywhere they go. Cooperstown residents are preparing for the worst. In protest to the closure of the library, a massive crowd of two people gathered outside the building, holding signs with no words on them, mainly because the protesters don't know how to write. During the protest, they chanted loudly, "Save the library! Save the library! Save the library!" No cars drove by during the chant, but they were able to convince a tumbleweed that was on vacation from Utah to help spread the word. The residents have mixed emotion over the possibility of a new Dollar General moving in. On one hand, they want the library, which offered them an opportunity to see the world beyond the border. At the same time, another Dollar General is something they are very excited for, since they don't quite understand the convenience of having a Walmart in their community.

Mayor Isolate of Pithole announced to the press this morning plans for a complete revitalization of his one resident city. According to sources, Mayor Isolate is excited for the new project set to begin as soon as he can find the funds to start doing whatever the heck his out of reach plans may be. Among the plans that he will achieve one day in his dreams, the mayor hopes to build a giant skyscraper twice as high as the Willis Tower in Chicago... Yeah, right. “We are very excited for the project that will ensure civic improvements across our fine city,” stated Mayor Isolate, who was announcing this big news to a tree stump outside his outhouse. “The city of Pithill has been hoping to draw crowds for several years now, and we finally may have found the formula to accomplish this big dream.” The funds for the city are low, but with time, Mayor Isolate believes that he may be able to dig up enough oil to justify the cost of the new skyscraper, as well as several other buildings he plans to erect in the field he calls a city. Ad “I just know that there's oil beneath the ground somewhere,” states Isolate. “Despite all the residents leaving more than a hundred years ago, due to the lack of oil, I personally know that they just weren't looking in the right spot.” Mayor Isolate, who has not left his field for more than 75 years, is adamant that the revitalization of his city is necessary for the future of his town. With thugs running wild and children missing their educational opportunities, Mayor Isolate believes that the changes are necessary, despite the fact that there are no thugs and there are no children in his town.

With the rise in pajama pants trends at school, parents are worried that Generation Alpha is shifting too heavily in the direction of a redneck persona. A recent study found that more than 200% of all children are attending school daily wearing sleep clothes featuring their favorite characters, such as Spongebob and Mickey Mouse. Consequently, a trip to school is beginning to look like a midnight shopping trip to Walmart, or trip to Rouseville. Several teachers are wondering if parents are even bothering to check what their kids are wearing before they send them off to school, or if kids are taking time to change somewhere anonymously after they leave the house. According to research conducted by Venango University, the sudden change in direction of "hip clothing" could be due to how much laziness technology has promoted in the lives of our children. Research suggests that adolescents are spending several hours on their phones due to the negligence of their parents. Further evidence that parents are influencing this is the fact that such individuals (like you) are currently reading this article, suggesting that they don't have much of a life. Researchers fear that if the negligence continues, that conditions may worsen, with adolescents becoming too lazy to focus on personal hygiene. Of course, with this being Western Pensylvania, that trend is already in effect with at least 98% of the population. Ad Another study found that the last paragraph offended about 89% of the readers who took part in observing this article. In a controlled study where you, the reader, were brutally insulted over your bad hygene habits, scientists were able to determine an extreme level of pajama induced apathy which once again proved that the lazy self centeredness is out of control. Consequently, scientists at Venango University are working hard to find a remedy to this laziness driving the apathetic stinky pajama phase. Early testing has already wielded great results with a taser proving to be an effective tool for adults and children alike. However, more study is needed to determine if this is the right course of action.