George Washington Forced to Vacate Woods and River Coffee for Getting Overly Sconed

George Washington, who works for the Venango Republic as the official stonemason, was forced to vacate Woods and River Coffee earlier this morning due to his obsession with cinnamon-flavored scones. According to reports by the staff members, Washington was slumped over in his chair, partially depressed, and exhibiting characteristics from people who commonly have a sugar high.

The incident took place around 7:15 this morning, shortly after the coffee shop opened. Washington had eaten at least 10 scones by that point and began acting extremely hyper. If not for his granite skin, cafe workers would not have been fearful. However, Washington began throwing fists out of happiness for his sugar high, which employees state posed a danger to the people present.

After bouncing off the walls and breaking several windows in the process, Washington was asked to leave. Washington immediately walked across the street to the memorial and has since started preaching gibberish hate comments at cars driving by. Fortunately, he doesn't have a speaker like the last weirdo.

Washington acting like an idiot

Police have been notified of the situation but state there is little they can do at this point. As the former president and current inanimate object, Washington has both diplomatic and lifetime satirical immunity. The former face of Mount Rushmore has rights to do whatever he wants.