Study Finds Cats Don’t Love Their Owners, They Just Want Food

A recent study found that cats really don't love their owners but are simply kissing up to get food. According to research conducted by professors at Venango Campus, being trapped inside a house prevents cats from hunting on their own, forcing them to become unnaturally affectionate to win the respect of their owners.

A controlled group was locked in separate rooms to perform varying simulations. The first group consisted of 5 single homeowners with lifelong bonds with their cats. After being injected with chloride, the corpses of the dead owners were immediately recognized to be dead by the cats, who did not hesitate to eat their owners faces.

The second group involved 3 men paralyzed from the waist down. The subjects were laid on a bed with their feet hanging over the edge. When the cats were released in the room, they immediately ate the feet of the subjects. Scientists concluded that the dead look of the motionless feet provoked the predatory nature of the cats, explaining why felines tend to gnaw on sleeping limbs.

A final test consisted of 3 chinese restuarant owners. The cats did not survive. They were sold to a local soup kitchen for proceeds that will go to benefit nobody.

This article is NOT made possible by the Precious Paws Animal Rescue, located 3636 PA-257 in Seneca Pennsylvania, whose phone is (814) 676-8581, and who upon learning of this article, will probably have a heart attack.