Man Travels From Pittsburgh to See Bridge Lights, Leaves Dumber Than He Was Before He Came

The $88,000 spectacle, purposed to draw tourists to a city whose houses are falling into the river, has successfully drawn the first spectator since they were implemented in 2017. Unfortunately, the man has reportedly left dumber than when he first arrived.

Unreliable sources state that a Pittsburgh native took an IQ test prior to arriving, in which he scored the highest possible rating.

However, after leaving Oil City, he took the exact same IQ test and was discovered to have dropped his rating by 100 points.

Board members from the University of Pittsburgh are furious after learning that one of their school’s top professors can now only comprehend an eighth-grade textbook. University members are trying to figure out which city is responsible for dumbing down their professor’s intellect. Unfortunately, the professor became so dumb after looking at the bridge lights, he can’t remember which town he visited.

The Center Street Bridge lights have been a subject of controversy throughout the years of their existence, primarily due to the funds used to install them. Rather than using the state grant to help beautify the houses on the north side, the Main Street Program in downtown Oil City decided it was best to install lights on the bridge that give people a Christmassy feeling year-round.

The plan was quite genius. By making the lights incredibly bright, officials could blind visitors just long enough to prevent them from seeing the ugly buildings falling apart throughout the rest of the town. Unfortunately, making the lights extra bright came at the cost of every visitor becoming half as bright when they realized they drove all this way to see what can only be described as a Dollar General spectacle.

With town folk increasing their stupidity every time they look at the lights and passers-by's facing the same dilemma, the city must now decide whether to keep the spectacle or remove the lights altogether. Unfortunately, Clarion University researchers speculate that locals are now too dumb to accomplish the task with just one individual. Now the question remains: how many Venango County residents does it take to remove a light bulb?