The city of Erie faced the dilemma of two village idiots running rampant in the town during Saturday's Celebrate Erie festivities. An unidentified man, who we will refer to as Natural Intoxication, rushed the stage during a performance at the Voodoo Bar and Grill. The Venango Republic has already covered the story pertaining to the first idiot in our last article. It was our creator who managed to lose his car. In this instance, the second idiot posed greater dangers to the public, as protecting band members required the intervention of a 45-year-old beefcake and a skinnier bar owner with the same name. “He put up a fight, until I managed to squeeze him,” states the beefcake, who probably could have handled the situation on his own. Several participation trophy winners tried to help the best way they knew how, by jumping on the man and slowing the beefcake's progress to the exit. Meanwhile, the band continued playing, as if the confrontation taking place in front of the stage could not be seen. “The guitar I was using, I got for Christmas,” states Josys Onvacation, lead guitarist for Tapped In. “But if I had an older guitar, I would have smacked him across the room.” The bar owner was the first of the group to be assaulted when the perpetrator allegedly grabbed his wrist. “He grabbed my wrist,” states Majic Voodoo Johnson, owner of the Voodoo Bar and Grill. “I had no choice but to push him away, for fear that he could crush me with his 500-finger death punch.” It was at this moment, the beefcake intervened, dragging the perpetrator towards the exit. On the way, the perpetrator managed to grab a hold of a tent he hoped to take as an offering for his lifelong restraining order. A state of the art recreation of the event can be seen below without the use of AI. “I am just so proud that my beefcake was present to help protect everyone from this dangerous monstrosity, who assaults bands and tents with the same aggression,” states the wife of the beefcake, who removed the said man. The perpetrator was arrested at the scene of the crime, but evidently released later that day. We say evidently because he tried returning to the same bar, where police were once again dispatched to arrest him again. It's unclear if the perpetrator has been set free a second time. In the event that he has, we ask that if you see someone acting as if they have had a sip from the object in the picture below, please call Jenny at 8675309.

A visitor to Erie's annual Celebrate Erie festival, managed to lose his car due to a simple oversight of NOT noting which street he left it on. This came after personal stupidity drove him to ignore corner street signs that were clearly visible when he walked right by. According to sources, the man who lost his vehicle has been identified as the creator of the Venango Republic. After arriving at approximately 12:42 p.m. on Saturday, he exited his car just beyond the corner of 4th and French, before walking to the nearest detour that would inevitably go unremembered. “I know I should have taken note that my vehicle was on 4th Street, just beyond where French crosses over,” states the dunce of the weekend. “However, I felt that it would be best for me to walk an illogical distance, make a right turn, and not take note of anything until I reached the corner of 6th and Holland Street.” The strategy seemed to work in a universe where idiocy equals intelligence. Although our creator's attempt to find the vehicle only covered areas where he did not park it, police were at least able to use the information to determine where the vehicle was not. The search for every spot the car wasn't continued for roughly two hours before our creator had the brilliant idea to look at his Google GPS tracking history. At this point, the car had already been reported to the police as missing. The first officer on scene was so concerned for the welfare of the driver, he first asked if our creator was drunk. We're not kidding. He actually asked our creator if he had was drunk. When the cop was able to determine that the author behind our satire was merely lacking common sense, he generously placed him in the back of the police vehicle. The temporary custody lasted as long as it took the officer to drive our maker to the corner of 4th and French. Though reluctant to let our maker drive home, for fear that he had also lost his mind, the policeman took a chance when he noted that our satirical author could at least open a door knob. He let the car loser go. Researchers at Gannon University have assessed blood samples of the person responsible for losing their own vehicle. They have confirmed that he was homeschooled and is not a resident of Erie.

It was a daring but necessary act to impress the friend who lacked courage to do the same pointless thing. Young Francis Footmodel risked everything Tuesday night when he approached a strangers house, driving the heel of his foot gently into the lowest possible level of the front door, before making his daring escape. Click picture for video "I was scared for sure." Francis Footmodel told the press. "I really tried to keep it light because breaking my foot would ruin my ability to run like a coward. Secondly, I would lose my job as a footmodel." The video was posted that evening by an Erie resident. Because we do not use real names on our publication, we will refer to him by his Google definition. Out of respect for the resident in discussion, do not look up that baby dragons name. According to Bright North, the act performed against his domicile was "not cool" even as a variation of Ding Dong Dash. Other commenters were also puzzled as to how a child with such ambitions to becoming a UFC legend could kick with such a delicate touch. Evidently, not everyone understands how gentle that kick was. Other commenters joined the discussion suggesting what means of action they would take if someone kicked their front door below the belt. Their names have been blurred to protect the innocent. A young naive child, gently kicks your door, and you stress your dog's phonophobia? I'm just saying, if you're worried about a child harmlessly terrorizing the neighborhood with light kicks, shouldn't we be worried about that dog getting loose? Relax people. The simply mean they are going to capture the child and make them sit in those hard benches you find in traditional churches. Again with the shock emoji's. He is simply stating that this is a wonderful alternative to intentionally stepping in front of the line of fire. He is in no way endorsing people intentionally trying to get shot by kicking a door. Oops! We forgot to blur the first name.... That's embarassing... But yeah, you clearly did not see his kicking power. Why not just put the dog behind you? A huge percentage of people coming to your house are not evil. I'm sure if Pennywise comes, you'll have enough warning time to say "sick um!" Typical adults. "Our generation gets a free pass. What's with this generation of door kickers?" 56 likes suggests this happens. No wonder they want to ban guns in Erie. I'd say ban pitbulls, but I honestly think its the owners who need banned. Bottom line, the child was committing a crime. The mild kick sounded like a gun shot which is why the woman in the video could be heard asking if everyone was ok. Coincidenally, the purchase of pitbulls and firearms has probably skyrocketed ever since this video surfaced of a young child running from a house he gently kicked moments before. I can understand why gun safety is an actual training.

The Titusville Aeronautics and Space Administration (TASA) has stretched the limits of space travel beyond what was originally thought possible for Western Pensylvania. A recent press release leaked via the Crawford Carnage reveals another rocket, constructed in Titusville, has achieved new altitudes never before seen by those lacking in inteligence. Mayor Dumbdumb tests 15th rocket this year Details are limited, with East Crawford reporters only braging about the altitude, brand, materials, names of scientists, location of purchase for the rocket materials, estimated audience size during launch, and what town is taking credit for what they deem a "historic moment in world history." The Venango Republic has chosen not to expose our readers to such obnoxious pride because of our deep fundamental values. Instead, we are going to make up achievements Oil City hasn't accomplished, and brag about those. This morning, Oil City became the first community in the world to shine a light into space while simultaneously blinding an overhead dove. Unfortunately, the dove did not dodge the plane propellers. Nonetheless, spectators were able to gather the remaining feathers for the local museum. In honor of this occasion, we are citing Oil City as the first community in the world to achieve this kaos.... Well done.... Despite the recent achievement, Mayor Blunders of Oil City says he is not satisfied falling second to East Crawford in the race to space. Blunders has ordered the rebirth of the Venango Aeronautics and Space Administration (VASA). Donations are now being requested for the purchase of a new rocket from Walmart. Meanwhile, Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville states that space exploration is just around the corner. The only barrier standing between them and the this goal is figuring out how to fit human astronauts inside a 2 foot rocket purchased from Walmart. Dumbdumb estimates that his top scientists will have this figured out before lunch.

Military action agains the Mall in Kearsarge is finally showing progress after the second wave of Venango County soldiers successfully took out the no "loitering sign." The event took place at 2 PM Wednesday after 5 hours of muffin strikes left the south side parking lot full of muffins. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military relentlessly tossed everything they had in their muffin carrying bags before charging ahead to recolect the muffins, retreat, and repeat the process of throwing muffins at the sign. Five hours passed, and with every muffin throw, the soldiers morale weakened. That is, until the mall cop who chased them away the day before, showed up and crashed into the sign. According to artificial intelligence, the car came by way of the wall behind it.... With the "no loitering" sign finally destroyed, the Mall Cop has lost authority to move tresspassers along. Laurel and Hardy are able to continue military opperations without the fear of the anyone driving them away. Muffin strikes on the Mall are expected to resume as soon as Laurel and Hardy are done taking a nap.

A Sherwin Williams plant in Beaver County is facing massive fines after failing to take measures to prevent stinking up the county. According to information provided by the first radio station to ever exist, Rochester has fallen victim to smells so bad, sealing up the houses accomplishes nothing. A notice was delivered to the plant leadership from the Pennsylvania DEP. Our journalists investigated the meaning behind "DEP" and determined it has nothing to do with the actor who played Captain Jack Sparrow. According to other sources, DEP stands for Department of Environmental Protection. This would be the department of people who work to protect the environment. Residents complained that the air smelled like "pure chemicals" or "nail polish remover." Sherwin Williams is now facing a fine of more than 124 thousand with an additional thousand dollars for each day they fail to resolve the issue. Apparently, people from Rochester don't like pure chemicals or the smell of nail polish remover. Investigations from journalists associated with other news outlets found that the plant failed to install a "thermal oxidizer" designed to destroy volatile organic compounds. We were so grateful to other news outlets reporting this information. It saved us a trip to Beaver County. Now, it seems these volatile organic compounds are loose in Beaver County, doing whatever it is that nail polish remover does to people. Sherwin Williams now has two choices: pay the fine, or convince their county to secede from Pennsylvania to become a part of Utah. Think about it.... Utah is mostly desert. There, the smell would be in check. Sherwin Williams has 30 days before the fine is due. Should they successfully convince Beaver to join Utah before the deadline, it will then be a question of how to drag everything in Beaver County to Utah. Of course, an easier solution might be to manufacture enough paint to give the county a desert-like vibe. That would then make them the first county to be separated from their own state. There is much more to uncover in this story. We will keep you informed as you sit on the edge of your seat for the next 30 days. Try not to fall off your couch.

Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have officially arrived in Millcreek with orders to take out the giant Mall Gun pointed at Erie's capital of Erie. The two soldiers are armed with state-of-the-art muffin hand grenades along with the most expensive spitball launchers Venango County can afford. President Mayor Blunders of Oil City has ordered the destruction of the Mall Gun with the hope of strengthening intercountial relations. It has been over an hour, and the muffins are proving to be useless against the cinderblocks protecting the Mall. Currently, there are no casualties to report, but the two are in danger the longer they stay. A nearby sign instructing bystanders not to loiter may ruin this entire operation if they can't destroy the Mall before an officer arrives. What you are seeing is happening as we speak... This just in: an off-duty Mall cop has arrived at the scene, forcing Laurel and Hardy to retreat back to Peach Street. We will return to the battle on the second wave. We are learning now that President Mayor Blunders is moments away from announcing his next steps before the press. We now take you live to the capital of Venango County in Oil City. "Good evening. Today marks our official invasion of Millcreek, where, in an attempt to strengthen relations with the neighboring nation, our troops have put forth their best efforts in destroying the shopping complex in Kearsarge, known as the Millcreek Mall. I regret to inform you all that the Mall proves indestructible at this time, with the first wave resulting in a complete failure. Our military experts have studied our strategies closely, linking this necessary retreat to a nearby 'No Loitering' sign. In response, I have ordered our men to focus fire on that sign during the next wave." You have just heard President Mayor Blunders of Oil City announce from Venango's capital his plan of action. We will keep you up to date when attacks begin on the "No Loitering" sign. This report was made possible by Lead Utensils. They will never rust in your lifetime.

Does carrying heavy objects require more strength? A study from Fairview University in Butler County suggests that the more weight that's applied to an object, the more muscle one must have to lift it effectively. All 24 subjects, who make up the town's population, were placed in a room for professors to observe. Each subject was handed items of various weight quantities. Professors noted that the two most differentiating objects were the anvil and the toothbrush, which seemed to require different levels of strength to elevate above the ground. The four-year-old boy, who was requested to pick up the anvil, found it impossible to complete the task. Meanwhile, the 41-year-old bodybuilder assigned to the toothbrush seemed to have no problem lifting his assigned object. Professors thought to switch both candidates, but chose not to rush for fear of causing one to take on more than their body was capable of performing. Instead, each participant would slowly rearrange, with those who struggled with heavier items slowly denoted to the lighter ones. An 89-year-old grandmother, who was initially assigned to lift an entire tractor wheel, was eventually denoted to an ashtray. Unfortunately, on the way down to her denotion, she broke her hip and died. Out of the 23 remaining participants, scientists were able to determine that size, strength, and the weight of an object all played a role in determining the success of lifting something off the ground. More research must be conducted to determine how much weight is required to completely crush a human being. Nonetheless, scientists say that this discovery is a breakthrough for modern science in Fairview, Pennsylvania.

Venango County's two most notable military members are deploying once again to a neighboring nation. This came just minutes after their return from Uganda where they were sent to suppress the Ebola Uprising. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County Military have served the Nation of the Venango States of America ever since its secession in early 2025. Their most recent deployment to Uganda was short lived when it was discovered that the Ebola Uprising referred to a virus and not a group of rebels attempting to overthrow the government. Laurel and Hardy's arrival on July 16th Today, Laurel and Hardy came back from Uganda and were seen at the corner of Seneca and Center Street deciding which car was safe to step in front of. It wasn't long after that they received word of a redeployment to Millcreek, where President Mayor Blunders hopes to strengthen relations with Mayor Paranoia of Erie, capital of Erie County. Paranoia has still not come out from under his mattress ever since threats were made by Mayor Wastecash to fire Millcreek's giant Mall Gun on Erie. Millcreek's giant weapon has already fired several adult diapers from Victoria's Secret. Fortunately, no Erie resident has died other than a llama. Millcreek's giant Mall Gun Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military are expected to arrive in Millcreek Monday afternoon. They are armed with the highest quality spitball launchers Venango can afford. Additionally, each of them have been equipped with a bag of the same muffin hand grenades that almost killed Hardy earlier this year after Laurel accidentally threw it at his face. Mayor Blunders of Oil City has not revealed how these two men will be of any service to Erie. What can be determined is that they won't be. Nonetheless, they are going anyway because they think it will accomplish something.

The recent conflict between Allegheny County and the nations of Washington and Lawrence County are now rising dramatically. Sir Lawrence of New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, is calling on Mayor Dambuilder of Aliquippa, capital of Beaver County, to send troops to help drive the Allegheny forces away from his lands. As Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh continues his campaign to take West Pittsburg (a tiny town south of New Castle) from Lawrence County, knights serving the king of New Castle are arming themselves with fireworks just before their valiant march to the industrial city of Wampum, where Allegheny troops are lying in wait. Knights of Newcastle Wampum south of Newcastle Meanwhile, Sir Lawrence of New Castle insists that Dambuilder must break his treaty with Allegheny County. Although Beaver County has been promised steel beams to help reinforce their dams in the Ohio River, Sir Lawrence says that Allegheny's recent invasion proves they cannot be trusted. Mayor Dambuilder has not commented on Sir Lawrence and his request to join in the fight against Allegheny. When asked about his position, Dambuilder ignored the question and returned to City Hall. Dambuilder walks away from the press The action surprised nobody as Dambuilder's first concern is for the Beaver County residents living in the Ohio River. Despite signing a deal that would ensure more dams in the river, beavers are still homeless and requiring more assistance on Beaver County welfare. Sending troops at this time could be disastrous for the Beaver economy. Not only would they lose the steel provided by Pittsburgh manufacturers, but they would also ruin relationships they have kept strong for several decades. This would make it impossible for them to trade logs and twigs with neighboring counties as they have done for years. Lawrence County is on their own at this time. While a potential agreement could be made for Butler to send supplies, even Mayor Servanthood says that he will not engage Mayor Steelhead's troops as he is "not interested in risking Butler lives."

The world was rocked last winter when East Crawford introduced a weapon never before seen in the fictional universe. A round substance made out of the white, fluffy stuff that falls from the sky was perfectly shaped into what Titusville's scientific geniuses called a snowball. Despite several attempts, professors at Venango University could not replicate the creation of this massive superweapon, as the ball continuously changed into liquid when placed over a hot burner. Before long, Venango County and the rest of Western Pennsylvania found themselves at the mercy of this destructive weaponry, as the Cold War between the major superpowers of Northwestern Pennsylvania escalated into County War One. Not long after this, an alliance was formed between East Crawford, Warren, and Elk County, known as the Zugnar Alliance. By combining their military strengths, each government slowly overthrew several independent nations to form the Elk Empire. The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization stood no chance after the Elk military laid siege to Punxsutawney, obtaining the rights to the Groundhog Day Accords. Western Pennsylvania in its normal state on the left. Elk Empire rule on the right. Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization (PLATO) in blue. Zugnar Alliance in red. With the ability to extend winter past its six-week deadline, Elk County enabled East Crawford to produce snowfalls for the entire duration of County War One. Fortunately, Mayor Dumbdumb is an idiot and forgot to continue his production of the snowball when summer rolled around. This means that the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization could successfully take back their territories by using stealthful tactics that the Zugnar Alliance was unprepared for. Jefferson County's Tunnel Hogs, who specialize in burrowing beneath the ground, collapsed every city in Jefferson County and South Clarion, driving the Elk military back into their nation of Elk County, leaving Mayor Bighorn with no empire to rule. Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney praises Jefersons Military for taking back their land With summer more than halfway to its completion, the question remains if Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville will attempt to reintroduce the snowball as a weapon utilized to overthrow Western Pennsylvania. Not only is the nation of East Crawford ahead of everyone in the space race after launching a rocket ten feet in the air, but now they have the potential to overthrow entire counties if a similar substance cannot be created comparable to the snowball. The counties that should be most concerned over the matter are West Crawford and Erie, both of which Dumbdumb has desired to unify as the Crawfordian Union. Should Dumbdumb use the snowball on anyone, it will likely be those counties in particular. Elk County soldiers chase Venango Military out of West Crawford Mayor Dogfood of Meadville has already taken the initiative to reinforce the border of West Crawford by stacking extra bags of Meow Mix to a height of six feet. Erie, however, is facing their own intercountial conflict, with townships in their region on the verge of civil war. The giant Mall Gun in Kearsarge, Pennsylvania, is raising tensions between the neighboring cities of Millcreek and Erie. Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek, Pennsylvania, says that he refuses to disassemble or turn the Mall Gun away, as it is the only way to ensure Erie remains subject to his will. Millcreek's giant Mall Gun Erie has attempted to sabotage the Mall Gun several times this year, with their most recent failure involving an agent dropping a pool noodle outside of JCPenney's storefront. Fortunately for the Millcreek residents, the pool noodle did not explode. However, the attempt did nothing to help the townships resolve their differences. Millcreek residents take cover leaving only thier bodies exposed to pool noodle Should Mayor Dumbdumb attack Millcreek and Erie during their escalated tensions? Experts say the invasion could devastate the nation, which is already struggling to remain unified. This would be an opportune time for Mayor Dumbdumb to send his military into the northern neighboring county to overthrow their conflicting governments. Western Pennsylvania may not have many ways to prepare for the oncoming conflict, given that the former treaty almost crumbled to the Zugnar Alliance. Erie's place in the conflict seems insignificant at this time. However, should Mayor Dumbdumb discover the Mall Gun, it could mean massive snowballs landing everywhere in Western Pennsylvania. Hence, why it is crucial for Millcreek and Erie to resolve their differences as soon as they can.

The militaries of Allegheny County and Washington County found themselves at an immediate stalemate in the first battle of the Southwestern Pennsylvania War. Deficiencies in their weapons varied between both groups, as each side found it impossible to fire upon the approaching enemy. Washington County's 1776 muskets with iron projectiles were incapable of penetrating the steel skeletal structure of soldiers serving the Allegheny military. Additionally, the bayonet charge also proved impossible, as the edged weapons at the ends of their muskets bent when thrust into enemy soldiers. Allegheny also had struggled combating the enemies of Washington County, despite their advanced military weaponry. When attempting to fire long range, they instantly realized that the steel beams they were armed with do not have barrels to shoot projectiles from. Although they are heavy enough to knock enemy soldiers unconscious, members of the Allegheny military chose not to do so in close combat for fear of injuring the enemy soldiers. The dilemma has resulted in one of the most unusual outcomes of war to date. Mayor George Washington of Washington Township, capital of Washington County, states that he has not given up on his mission to reclaim Mount Washington from Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, after breaking his treaty with Pittsburgh, Mayor Steelhead, president of Allegheny County, is refusing to trade any more steel to the neighboring county. This means that Washington troops are forced to fight steel with iron, which is a much weaker substance. Mount Washington in Pittsburgh Greater concerns exist for the troops deployed in Lawrence County, who for the last several weeks have worked to overtake townships just south of West Pittsburg, in Mayor Steelhead's campaign to take back West Pittsburg from Lawrence County. Nope. We did not misspell it. Sir Lawrence of New Castle is preparing an army of knights armed with fireworks to progress to the southern regions of his lands, in the hope of driving out the Allegheny military. Sir Lawrence still insists that West Pittsburg, a township slightly south of New Castle, is not the same as the West Side that went missing from Allegheny's Pittsburgh in 1902. Despite his claims, Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh is determined to steal West Pittsburg and claim it as Allegheny's land. Should the knights of New Castle, capital of Lawrence County, engage the armies of Allegheny, there are concerns that the fireworks launched toward Sir Lawrence's enemies will have no effect, given the resiliency of steel bodies. In addition, the militaries of Allegheny deployed in Lawrence County are using the same weaponry that failed in the Battle of Baldwin Borough. Should these soldiers have the same compassion as those in Baldwin Borough, the knights of Lawrence County will likely go unharmed while engaging the battle in iron-crafted armor. The war has just begun with the Battle of Baldwin Borough ending in a draw. Nobody is withdrawing, suggesting this war will be determined by who gets bored first. We sincerely hope they don't take weeks.