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Police responded to the report of a “suspicious” vehicle outside of a convenience store Wednesday morning after a gas station owner in Brookville determined that the car looked suspicious. According to reports from Explore Nothingness, the car became incredibly suspicious after a tire fell off, rendering the vehicle twice as suspicious. Upon further investigation, it was determined that the vehicle was being driven by some dude from Nicaragua, who we guess came to north America looking for opportunity, but somehow landed in Brookville.... Even we know Nicaragua is better than that! ICE agents traveled to Brookville and somehow managed to get there without getting lost. Upon arrival, the protesters who stood outside the Franklin Courthouse several days before were nowhere to be seen.... Way to support your cause like Minneapolis! Despite the man being taken into custody, details on the suspicious car remain confidential. Police have not reported if the car crossed illegally, or if it is a citizen of the United States. Other vehicles are speaking out on the incident, arguing that the suspicious truck does not deserve to be deported, especially after becoming a handicap. Strange truck being taken into custody Until the matter is resolved, local trucks state that they are prepared to protest any deportation attempts. If ICE vehicles enter Brookville, protest organizers say that they will block the roads to prevent the strange rundown truck from being removed. Trucks rally to protest Among the protesters is Rebel At Heart, who recently converted to Christianity thanks to a street preacher in Oil City. According to Rebel At Heart, his desire is for all Chevy's to come to know the truth. Rebel At Heart speaking with reporter about his conversion "Trucks are not given the same rights as people." States Rebel At Heart. "My prayer is that we can reach this rusty piece of junk before he is sent to the trash compactor." So far, we only know that the Nicaragua man has been taken away. As for the rust bucket without a wheel, we are left to wonder what fate awaits him.

Mayor Dumdum of Titusville, capital of East Crawford County, has officially pushed political tensions to the breaking point. Reports say that one of the two troops sent by Dumdum to patrol the border on Route 8 has crossed into Venango County, handing at least one foot of space to Titusville. "This act against our country will not stand," Mayor Blunders told the press upon hearing the news of the recent attack. "We will retaliate, and avenge the lives that were lost at the hands of East Crawford..." After Mayor Blunders was done blowing the situation out of proportion, three military members were sent to the border to attack the enemy with spitballs. They technically did leave the day before for the same reason, but had to come back for little Timmy's curfew. Now, the military is back in action. They are expected to reach the border in time to drive the enemy away.... This just in: Titusville troops withdraw due to dinner date obligations with their wives. Territory has been handed back to Venango, extending the border back another foot longer.

"The deal has no chance..." Mayor Steelhead told the press this morning after his brief interaction with the Mayor of Oil City. "I really just did this because he seems fragile and could use a false sense of power." After the meeting, Mayor Blunders left McDonald's with a giant smile, as if convinced he had a chance to change the name of the Allegheny River. According to Mayor Steelhead, he "found it amusing to lead him on." With this being Mayor Blunders' proposal, many were confused as to why the Pittsburgh mayor drove to Venango County rather than forcing Mayor Blunders to commute to Pittsburgh. According to Steelhead, Mayor Blunders doesn't have money for gas. Additionally, he hoped that by making the drive, Blunders would stop calling his secretary. "A drive to Venango County is chump change for me," Mayor Steelhead stated. "As much as I hate driving through it, I have to admit that it acts as a good reminder that we have it good in Pittsburgh. Even if our sports teams are failing." The deal is expected to continue pending until Mayor Blunders presses the issue again. Little does Steelhead know that Blunders will press the issue again tomorrow morning. At that point, Steelhead will have wished he continued living as if Blunders didn't exist.

The Center Street Bridge in Oil City has been the center of controversy for several years now. Ever since the Main Street Program had the less than bright idea to install 88 thousand dollar lights on the bridge, no house on the north side can turn on their electricity after 7 PM. Consequently, the tourists it was supposed to draw still don't know they exist.... Until now! According to sources, someone found out about the bridge lights thanks to The Venango Republic trolling their existence. This person was so blown away by the concept, they drove to Oil City from Pittsburgh to see it themselves. "We don't have bridge lights in Pittsburgh." Mr. Greene told the press. "We have so much to do in town, nobody ever thought to come up with such a dumb idea." Mr. Greene has officially become the first tourist to ever come from outside Venango County to see the bridge lights. Every other person passing through, if any, was just here by accident. The bridge lights did not make them stay. As for Mr. Greene, he also feels incredibly stupid for making the drive. "You people could have spent that money on the houses falling down on the north side." Mr. Greene stated while trying not to become a mean Joe. "I thought the goal was to beautify the town!" We were able to calm Mr. Greene down by explaining to him that the town's dumb financial investments are actually intentional. Just as we try to draw tourists by making the community a joke, Oil City plays their role by actually being the joke. It looks like it finally worked with the visit of one tourist.

Unlike the days when Al Capone reigned in the streets of Chicago, petty crimes have not ceased in the last century. With mafia members ruling the blocks of New York City, the much less famous families of north western Pennsylvania’s isolated communities get away with minor violations that are often overlooked. From spitting off bridges, to unpaid parking fines, to leaving gum underneath tables, the families living on the edge of boredom make their presence known in the most despicable ways. What must be known about these “mafia” families is that they mean what they say. When you get a tip that you are going to be “whacked,” you can be sure that they are coming for you. The last person who ignored this warning was eventually hit with a fly swatter. Be warned: these families are out in full force, have existing feuds between them, and will make you pay if you dare to cross them. Here are the five crime families of western Pennsylvania. The Gamblingcasino Family Their faces weren't winners Currently run by the infamous Amish community leader, Jon Got Ye, the Gamblingcasino family is famous for shoplifting $5 scratch off tickets from gas stations run by former tech support specialists. Police are often delayed in responding to the families theft cases mainly because, during distress calls, they can't understand the gas station managers Indian accents. It's especially ironic that some of these gas stations are litterally called "UK." If you don't get it, visit Clarion sometime... The Gamblingcasino family rose in the rank of petty crimes after they could no longer afford to drive to the casinos in Erie. With rough names like Sammy the Calf, Little Saul (not quite Big Paul... still waiting on the "road to Damascus" experience....), Niel (Tall when standing), and Quack Quack Goose, this Clarion based crime family has terrorized the region with their love for rigged bingo halls. The Genevieve Family Their words hurt worse than their darts The Genevieve family is famous for avoiding the spotlight. Instead of putting themselves in the eye of the media, their secretive opperations of petty gossip has placed the spotlight on other innocent victims. Named after several great grandmothers of the modern Karen, the Genevieve family sparks controversy by whispering wild ideas around church gatherings. They then sit back and allow the church wives to take it from there. Famous mob members include Unlucky, Don Vetobill, Three-Finger Turd, Amateur-Sized Tony, Karen Dillpickle, and the Prime Minister of the Under Butler. The Lunchandcheese Family We think they come from Green Bay A much more sophisticated group among the mafia crime families is the Lunchandcheese group. With Meadville being the deli capital of the known world, it only makes sense that the Lunchandcheese mafia has monopolized the entire industry in their section of north western Pensylvania's metropolis. Nothing frustrates deli owners more than knowing that a portion of their business is owned by this crime racket. You can be sure that every time there's an order, the Lunchandcheese family gets part of the cut. Famous names include the youngest child from Bonanza, Little Vic's Vapo Rub, Wonder Woman, and Gas Valve. The Bananna Family Those Banannas fire.... GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! A perfect fit for Oil City, the Bananna family is always slipping up in their endeaor to accomplish their goals. Known for their attempted agression, mob members can only throw punches that land as hard as being hit in the face with bananna bread. Their biggest heist was instantly foiled when an attempt to rob the local bank resulted in them breaking into the County Prison instead. The judge cut their sentence in half since they helped lock the cell behind them, and frankly... because they aren't that much of a concern.... The crime family did come close to taking over the city believing it could result in insurmountable wealth. Instead, they plunged Oil City into twice the debt than what was caused by all the mayors in the 30 years before them. City officials imediately took the town back when they saw the family couldn't do the job. Famous names include Joe Cartrite as a Big Guy, Rusty Cause He's Bananna's, Ben Squinting Cause I'm Rusty, Libido, and Sally Fruitcake 🤢🤢🤮🤮 The Columbia Family Police are close to proving that they deal sugar highs Finally, the columbia family is the most wreckless on this list. Where other families do everything necessary to keep a low profile, the Columbia family can't keep quiet enough to avoid making headlines. Much of this is probably due to their love for caffeinated coffee. No sleep, always hyper, and always irritable. Even when attempting armed robbery, they are the ones who wind up getting mugged. Based in Titusville Pensylvania, the members of this mob family land themselves in jail immediately after getting out of prison. They pride themselves as a "high-class" organization. When gathering to discuss top secret plots, they meet at the local diner and argue loudly over who picked up the tip last time. None of them ever do.... Top gang names infamously known from this laughing stock are figures like the Worm, Andy "MUSH! MUSH!" (he's a part time husky), the Grim Reap What He Sows, and Detective Lazy Eye.

Are you kidding?????????

The world is waiting anxiously for the biggest annual event this side of isolation. With the 2026 Franklin On Ice event kicking off this Saturday, many are excited to watch chainsaws massacre chunks of frozen residue in an attempt to create majestic figures that probably won't last the weekend. What does this mean on an international level? Absolutely nothing! But we are still going to exaggerate, hoping it brings the boom days back! Experts fear once again that coverage of the Franklin On Ice event will cause viewership to plummet for the Winter Olympics. Despite the population of the Earth increasing exponentially over the last century, statistics show a major decrease in audience size the last ten times the Winter Olympics took place. This is all thanks to Franklin On Ice stealing all the viewers when it falls in the same time frame. "Every four years we have seen tens of millions of people tune in the first few days of the Olympics," says the Director of Winter Sports. "Unfortunately, the day Franklin On Ice starts, our numbers plummet with the loss of at least four of our audience members." The committee overseeing the Winter Olympics have tried everything to compete with Franklin On Ice finding no luck in the process. At first, they tried placing the attractions in poor communities like Venango County. To their dismay, this move keeps backfiring with impoverished residents displaced. Another strategy the Winter Olympics has tried to mimic is the massive cost overruns which Venango County has masterfully used to draw millions of tourists to their cities. Two famous examples are the eighty-thousand-dollar bridge lights that have drawn absolutely nobody since 2017, and the fountain that cost roughly two hundred thousand, which also remains covered for three quarters of the year. "We have tried to copy this strategy used by Venango County officials," the Director stated in frustration. "Unfortunately, those four viewers always stop watching NBC the minute Franklin On Ice begins." The Winter Olympics has tried everything. From abandoning stadiums like the warehouses dating back to the oil boom, to image cleaning the cities the same way Venango enthusiasts pretend welfare people don't exist. No matter what they do, young viewership keeps decreasing like the kids who grow up and do everything to get out of northwestern Pennsylvania. "It's a hard pill to chew." It isn't.... "I guess we just have to accept that those four viewers are more interested in ice sculptures than they are the Olympics. As hard as it is, we just need to be content with our tens of millions of viewers."

Oil City's disappointment concerning the NFL's negligence to invite them to the Super Bowl has left Coach Numbskull in disbelief. Week after week, the organization has met at the cornfield on the north side of town in Hassen Heights, preparing for every game. With a 0-0-0 record for the 2025-2026 season, Numbskull says that it isn't his fault no other team showed up to play his organization. "My boys have worked very hard this year," Coach Numbskull told the press. "If we can just collect the money, we're prepared to show up to the Super Bowl to play whatever team wants to try us." Numbskull has started a GoFundMe page for local residents to support the trip to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Numbskull actually believes that the world only extends as far as the border of Clarion, meaning that he genuinely thinks the Super Bowl is taking place in Venango County. As for the funds being raised, Numbskull so far only has one contribution. A man generously donated a Ring Pop that he's kept in his pocket since 2006. Other than that, the community, which truly wants to see the Oil City Oil Spills play in the Super Bowl, has not managed to find even a penny to donate to the cause. With currency being a rare item, Oil City officials state that the Oil Spills may have to wait another year after the city can figure out how to make money again.

In a far-away mythical land, known to much of the community as Meadville, an unthinkable disaster has placed an entire city under a temporary drought during a winter storm. According to rumors from the few in Venango County who can afford the journey, a water main has broke, causing residents of the wannabe Erie to thirst. Who is to blame? None but Jack Frost himself! "It was like a case of extremely hot weather in the desert causing pipes to melt," states Mayor Dogfood of Meadville. "In this situation, however, the desert was the snowy weather, and the heat was the cold forming ice to burst the pipes..." After giving this long unnecessary analogy, Mayor Dogfood chugged his Dasani and changed to an ice sculpture. "We boiled our water for days before the go-ahead to drink it," Mrs. Coldheart told the media. "This was frustrating for one who likes to have mine below freezing." The residents of the mythical land are happy to learn that their faucets are now capable of transmitting pure liquids. With heavy snowfalls making the roads dangerous, imports of water are now at a standstill, with locals unsure where else to find a source of hydration. "We've looked everywhere!" says I'm Dehydrated. "I'm dehydrated and haven't been able to find water since the pipe burst. I thought about melting ice, but this snow makes it impossible to drive to the store!" Despite the water running with a safe nutritional quality, residents have officially lost trust in the system. The sudden failure of the pipes that have served them for generations has caused locals to question what else their government is hiding. Experts perceive that if similar events take place, the community may trade their sinks and toilets for horse troughs and outhouses. To prevent the downgrade of modern technology, it is crucial for the leadership of Meadville to take preventative measures now.

The Oil City man reported to have spilt cocaine on the counter at Sheets has finally spoken to the press about his mishap, according to unreliable sources that we made up. The man had scooped the substance out of Sugar Creek, thinking that the name referred to the common sweetening agent. Sugar Creek is famous for containing a sweet sensation. For generations, locals have stopped by the creek bed to scoop with their hands the sugar that lies beneath the body of water. In the past year, there have been several reports of people getting a sensational high that one only gets from drugs after partaking from the creek bed, what's for so many years has been used as the flavoring to bake cakes. Many fear has been polluted with drugs. Mothers often dehydrate the water of the creek bed to gain access to the sugar inside. Now they state they are fearful of using the source to place the substance in their food. As for the man who spilt the substance on the counter in sheets, Explore NothingGreat reports that he is still facing potential charges for the mishap. Several creek bed enthusiasts, however, are arguing that he did not know the creek was sabotaged with cocaine. Some have even suggested that with the community being so large, like New York City, news might not have traveled to him as quick as it would in a smaller region like Chicago. For now, police are asking the press to warn the public about the potential pollution filling the creek bed that has served the community for generations.

With the housing crisis in the worst place it has ever been, Oil City officials have announced a new plan to help the homeless find shelter. A new bill signed today by the president of Venango County has officially declared cardboard boxes real estate. The initiation was put into act this morning after Mayor Blunders, the self-declared president of Venango County, stated his concern to help the homeless in Oil City find refuge in the cold temperature months. The new bill allows any cardboard box at the edge of the road to be declared as housing on a first-come, first-served basis. Disputes have arisen as to whether or not they should be classified as condos or portable homes. According to Blunders, the average cardboard box has pretty much the same features as every high-class building on the north side, minus the electricity. The lack of outlets, Blunders has termed as fire prevention. Experts have weighed in on President Blunder's decision to classify cardboard boxes as real estate. Fearing that the housing crisis could cause the cost of cardboard to skyrocket to $3, property taxes for each cardboard condo may potentially result in taxes amounting to 30 cents a year. Several locals who have struggled to find work after developing an addiction to drugs say that they will take their chances on waiting for snowfall to build their own dens. When the cold months hit, during the summer, they will trust that the drug lords between each side of Veterans Bridge will allow them to shelter underneath the road crossing the Allegheny. There are rising concerns about the cardboard houses potentially decaying when the rainy season comes. Mayor Blunders addressed the press today, stating that whatever impact the weather has on the condos will be nothing different than the loose floorboards prying out of the homes on the north side. Blunders believe that the wear and tear on the cardboard dwellings will help them fit right in to the rest of town.

The city of Oil City has now officially changed its name to Mashed Potato Heaven after an insurmountable pile of mashed potatoes has been discovered in the Allegheny River. At 5 a.m. this morning, residents woke up to discover the Allegheny filled to the brim with a vegetable delight that often accompanies a turkey dinner. No one knows where the mashed potatoes came from, except that it is ideal for a town that has been seeking a new industry for decades. Earlier this year, an initiative was made to revive the oil industry by extracting whatever could be found in the famous Oil Creek. Despite hours of digging, workers were unsuccessful in finding any oil in the water that has been improperly named. Following this event, another order was made to create a pipeline stretching to Warren in an attempt to steal their oil and revive Oil City's famed industry. The Rocklock pipeline failed when members of Titusville's military sabotaged the project by taking scissors to the straws. Now, Oil City can revive its oil boom days with a new resource plentifully available. With the demand of mashed potatoes at an all-time high because of the worldwide potato crisis, Oil City has now officially become the mashed potato capital of the world. We will once again be as rich as we were before Quaker State abandoned our fine community.