A standoff is taking place at Ritts Park, just north of Butler. Young, 9-year-old Timmy has successfully reached the north side of Butler County's capital of Butler and is laying siege to their city. The attack began last night around 9 p.m. when Timmy unexpectedly surfaced on State Highway 8, in view of Butler's capital. Allegheny soldiers were reportedly surprised by the attack and began assembling defenses at the edge of the city. Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America is praising Timmy's decision to sneak out of his mother's house for the good of Venango County. He has also sent Laurel and Hardy, the other two-thirds of Venango's military, to assist Timmy. Unfortunately, this leaves Venango without anyone to defend against our neighboring enemies. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, capital of East Crawford, has not announced any plans of an attack on Venango County. So far, he has lost four soldiers to the potholes at the Cranberry Mall in the last two years. Should he choose to attack, this would be the opportune time to overtake Oil City. Mayor Fossilfuel of Warren also has an opportunity to attack from the north with no resistance to his military. Armed with oil cans and portable refineries, the enemy would be unstoppable without anyone standing in their way. For now, the standoff at Butler is what Mayor Blunders considers a priority for Venango. So long as Oil City gets back their rotary phone and carrier pigeon, Blunders says this objective is necessary for the good of the nation. Meanwhile, experts state that Timmy's decision to sneak past the Butler border patrol may result in intercountial backlash. Now, an already rocky relationship with Butler may officially be ruined.

Venango County's youngest military member has escaped his parents' household and is now heading south through Butler County to engage the Allegheny Military. According to the mother of nine-year-old Timmy, her son is not in his bedroom. Instead, his window is broken, and a note has been left behind. Sources state that the note is likely in Timmy's handwriting, though it is difficult to tell since every student from Seventh Street Elementary uses the same poor legibility. All experts have been able to deduce is the word “phone,” which Timmy has been obsessing over for days. Timmy's mother is furious with Mayor Blunders, who she has accused of feeding her son information about the intercountial conflicts requiring military engagement. Timmy's mother has gone so far as to accuse Blunders of writing other notes, tying them around a rock, and throwing them through Timmy's windows. The reason we know the last note is from Timmy is because Blunders writes at a first-grade level. Timmy's whereabouts are still unknown. Meanwhile, the Venango County military is making their way south as we speak. Once they arrive, they will be asked to make haste for the southern border of Butler to assist Timmy in engaging the enemy. When we say enemy, we are referring to both Allegheny and Timmy's mother.

The Allegheny Military has made off with Oil City's one and only rotary phone to prevent Mayor Blunders from calling Pittsburgh. Now, Westmoreland says they will come to Oil City's aid by replacing the phone with a brand-new one. Westmoreland and Venango County have a history of getting on Mayor Steelhead's nerves. Mayor Rebel of Westmoreland regularly calls Pittsburgh with a request to possess portions of Allegheny County in his drive to expand westward. Similarly, Mayor Blunders of Venango County has called Mayor Steelhead almost daily for the last year and a half, pestering him about changing the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango. Steelhead slamming his head against his desk over excessive calls Now, it appears that Allegheny's decision to take away Blunders' rotary phone will result in a new friendship between Westmoreland and Venango County. Mayor Rebel is now offering Oil City a brand-new rotary phone, believing that the pressure of two leaders calling Steelhead will force Allegheny to finally give in. “We do share a common objective,” Mayor Rebel told the press. “With Venango County attacking Allegheny by phone from the north, we shall attack their east end with our own barrage of phone calls, dividing Allegheny on two fronts.” Areas Pittsburgh can expect the calls to come from The phone is being delivered by way of Indiana County and through the region of Clarion. If the militia of the Westmoreland Whiskey Rebellion can bypass the Allegheny Military, Venango County will once again have their ultimate weapon to target Allegheny's capital of Pittsburgh. However, if the soldiers serving Mayor Steelhead get word of the phone, they may detour from Butler County to apprehend it. Allegheny potential position in red, Westmoreland route in light blue Because of Armstrongs close ties to Pittsburgh, Westmoreland must go the long way. Meanwhile, two-thirds of Venango County's military are making their way south from the border of Warren, where they are hoping to catch up to the enemy. If successful, they will be forced to fight steel-faced soldiers who have made off with Oil City's rotary phone and carrier pigeon. Without telecommunication devices, getting word to Laurel and Hardy seemed impossible until Mayor Blunders had the genius idea of baking an apple pie. Realizing that Oliver Hardy cannot resist such a pleasant dessert, it is expected that they will be in Oil City within the hour. Then, they will be given three minutes to eat their pie before heading south.

Tensions in the North have the nation of Erie on the verge of a civil war. Mayor Paranoia of the city of Erie, capital of Erie County, states that he is not ready to make a treaty with the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization on the left, Zugnar Aliance on the right After more than four months of hiding beneath his mattress, Mayor Paranoia finally made a public statement from the Presque Isle bay front. Paranoia informed the nation of Erie that while a treaty with neighboring counties would help ensure greater security for his people, the future of the capital is uncertain as long as Millcreek keeps their Mall Gun pointed in his direction. Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek has since responded to the statement by Mayor Paranoia, saying that the whole of Erie County would not need a treaty with other nations so long as he gets what he has demanded. Wastecash revealed two weeks ago that his only desire is for the capital city of Erie to surrender itself to Millcreek in order that the entire county be named Millcreek County and that the lake itself be named Lake Millcreek. The nation of Erie is now placing pressure on Paranoia not to surrender the city to Millcreek Township. Although complete surrender would ensure the entire nation gains control of the Mall Gun, the citizens themselves do not want to be placed under the tyranny of Mayor Wastecash, a coyote in sheep's clothing. Paranoia admitted to the press earlier today that he has been tempted to completely surrender to the demands of Mayor Wastecash. Fortunately, his paranoia causes him to shake way too much to write legibly with a pen. As a result, no official surrender has been documented. With no solution in sight for the rival cities of Millcreek Township and Erie, a treaty with the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization seems unfeasible. Either Paranoia must first suppress the Millcreek rebellion, or Wastecash must complete his endeavor to take over the entire city of Erie.

Mayor Bighorn of Elk County is demanding reparations from the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, with allegations that his loss in County War One cost him millions in acquired land. The four-month-long war between the Zugnar Alliance and the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization almost resulted in the whole of Western PA being branded with the image of an elk. Now, tensions are once again rising despite peace treaties formally established. Planet Western Pensylvania from early to mid 2026 If not for the heroics of Jefferson County driving out elk soldiers through a genius tactic of collapsing their cities, the Zugnar Alliance would likely still rule. Now, the villain responsible for the fall of Jefferson, Venango, Clarion, Indiana, Westmoreland, Blair, Cambria, West Crawford, and Erie County is insisting that all nations making up the enemy alliance must offer repayment for the land he believes he rightfully stole. Several nations are still in recovery after County War One. Currently, the groundhogs of Jefferson County are trying to rebuild their infrastructure. Although the method of collapsing every major city to drive out the elk soldiers was considered genius, Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney states that his community is not prepared for a transition to underground living because they have grown accustomed to living in buildings, they are choosing to recreate the cities that once were. Similar to Jefferson County, Clarion also utilized the tunnel hogs to help sink some of their major cities, including the capital of Clarion. With Mayor Intellect of Clarion now desiring to resurrect the historic city, many are fearful that the lack of funds will make the endeavor impossible, resulting in a permanent closure of their University. Venango County has nothing to recover from. Although Elk County took most of their land during the war, there wasn't really anything of value, which is why regaining the territory surrounding Oil City is not anything to brag about. Forest County, fortunately, did not fall to the Elk Empire. Although the wooded area is a natural habitat for elk-like creatures, Mayor Bighorn felt that incorporating it into his empire would mar the brand he created by combining Venango, Clarion, Jefferson, and Elk County to form the face of his creature. This is the same reason he chose to give West Crawford and Erie to the nation of East Crawford in order that Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville could form the Crawfordiot Union. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, Capital of East Crawford, tending to his Ironed Curtain Mayor Dumbdumb's Ironed Curtain eventually fell, allowing residents from West Crawford to reunite with members on the southern portion of Erie. Of course, these regions had nothing to recover from either, since they too are pretty much in complete poverty. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville, capital of West Crawford, along with Mayor Socket of Grove City, capital of Mercer, both state that they will not pay a single cent to the nation of Elk County after the tyranny they brought on Western Pennsylvania nations. Other members of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization, including Mayor Blunders of Oil City, Mayor Intellect of Clarion, Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, and Mayor Fishhook of Tionesta, all agree that reparations shall not be paid. Instead, they are demanding Elk pay them due to the heavy toll the invasion took on the more prosperous regions. Uganda has not commented on the matter. Zugnar Alliance on the left, Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization (PLATO) on the right Elk County has officially filed a lawsuit against the neighboring nations. In response, the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has also filed a countersuit against Elk County. Unfortunately, each county has their own judge, meaning that opinions will shift from county to county. With tensions boiling once again, it seems we may be on the verge of another county war.

The Allegheny military has officially laid siege to the Capitol building, which is the city outhouse. According to reports, troops sent by Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh have successfully breached the outer defenses of Oil City, gaining possession of Venango County's Capitol building. The devastation is beyond words, according to President Mayor Blunders of the Venango States of America. The city has officially lost their only rotary phone, which is now in the hands of Allegheny militants. Blunders, who spent the majority of the invasion in the lower levels of the Outhouse, has officially surfaced and declares this loss the most embarrassing experience in our nation's history. While it is untrue that the most embarrassing moment in Oil City's history is the loss of the rotary phone, Mayor Blunders is correct that what Allegheny soldiers came to see is quite embarrassing. Blunders surfaced from the Outhouse, completely covered in what best can be described as what you find at the bottom of an outhouse. We understand the redundancy, but we're just reporting facts. Allegheny soldiers are now making their way south with Mayor Blunders' rotary phone, along with the carrier pigeon they captured days before. The Venango County military is completely oblivious to what has just happened, since the capital city of Oil City has been unable to send word to the border of Warren County, where Laurel and Hardy are currently stationed. With no form of communication existing in Venango County, the capital city of Oil City is now left with no means of reaching the soldiers representing the nation of Venango. Additionally, Mayor Blunders is no longer able to harass the mayor of Pittsburgh over his desire to change the Allegheny River to the Gulf of Venango.

Mayor Wastecash of Millcreek has officially revealed why his township has kept Erie at the end of its Mall Gun's barrel for half a century. In a press briefing this morning, the coyote in sheep's clothing told the press that Millcreek has been waiting for the opportunity to take over the City of Erie, thereby claiming themselves as the county seat. It has been an act of genius planning. After erecting the building in 1975, Millcreek led the City of Erie to believe the Mall Gun was to protect them from Canada, thereby preventing another War of 1812. Instead, after years of silence, it became clear that the British were not coming. Thus, the Mall Gun's true purpose has been seen as a means to oppress the people of Erie. Oppression if it were a Mall Gun Today, the City of Erie has failed to show any kind of defense to prevent Millcreek from using their weapon of mass destruction against them. To make matters worse, Mayor Wastecash is threatening to fire the gun before moving forces into the region. What hope exists for the capital city of Erie? Do they have the means necessary to defend themselves against the Mall Gun? Will Mayor Wastecash and his military of Millcreek successfully invade Erie? All this, and other pointed answers now, because we don't feel like waiting to get to the climax..... According to dialect experts, Gannon University is a corruption of the word cannon. This genius move by Erie to create a university predating the Mall Gun by 50 years apparently has advantaged the city with a giant weapon of their own. In this case, it is in the form of a skyscraper. Erie's gannon pointed at the Mall Gun It seems that Erie somehow knew in 1925 that Millcreek would try to build their own gun. Consequently, they decided to build a giant cannon, or "Gannon" in the ancient Erie dialect, to defend their city. The question is when they will reveal this secret weapon to Millcreek. Everyone knows that Millcreek's patience only has about a 52-year cutoff point. The Mall Gun will be exactly that age next year, and Erie will have to decide if they want to wait for the last day before they reveal their secret weapon. Also, to the Catholic university known as Gannon, we should mention that the Protestants are trying to outshine your skyscraper down the road. We're not sure why they are speaking plural for one building, but ok.... Mayor Paranoia of Erie is still hiding under his matress ever since learning the Mall Gun could fire. We have yet to learn if he plans to be a part of the decision to fire the gannon. The city may have to make this decision on thier own...

Allegheny troops have officially passed through Butler, reaching the southern border of Venango County. According to sources, soldiers are progressing northward towards the city of Franklin, where they will establish a post before progressing to the capital of Oil City. At 12 p.m. yesterday, a pigeon was sent to warn the Venango County military, who are currently guarding the border of Warren. Unfortunately, the pigeon flew southward in the same direction of the Allegheny military. It is believed that Allegheny troops have captured the pigeon and are now making haste to beat Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military. Meanwhile, Venango County's only soldier stationed in the capital of Oil City is nine-year-old Timmy, whose mother is refusing to let him participate in another war. Timmy played a significant role in County War One, which resulted in several school absences that landed his mother and father in jail. Timmy's mother states that she wants her son to graduate before he makes any other military decisions. Venango County's capital of Oil City remains defenseless, with Blunders now faced with the choice of evacuating or hiding in the lower levels of the Outhouse, which is City Hall. Venango County's Capitol building has been fortified with a bidet toilet seat in case of another fire. Unfortunately, it is not equipped to defend against enemy soldiers. Oil City has proactively evacuated everyone but the citizens and their pets. Despite Blunders warning the city to abandon its capital, citizens are choosing to ignore the call, since Allegheny is only coming for Mayor Blunders' phone. Although Blunders has declared a state of emergency, citizens are expressing that losing the phone would reduce the deficit anyway.

Disputes between Venango and Butler began a year ago, after Mayor Blunders constructed a two by four wall to prevent Butler residents from crossing over Venango's southern border. After Blunders sent Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military to help enforce the border regulations, Butler sent their own military men to ensure that Venango residents were not crossing into their nation. Butler meets Venango Venango has since redeployed their troops to the northern border after Warren County rerouted a pipeline into their sewer, which was intended to help Venango siphon Warren's oil. With sewage waste lacking the quality necessary to revive an industry in Oil City, Blunders hopes that placing troops on the northern border will put pressure on Mayor Fossilfuel, even though Warren's capital is nowhere near the border. Satalite image of Warren County. Warren City is closer to the center. Allegheny's role in the conflict stems from Mayor Blunders' barrage of phone calls he has made to the capital of Pittsburgh for the last year. In early 2025, Mayor Blunders declared the Allegheny River to be the Gulf of Venango, but learned instantly that he did not hold the rights to the river. Blunders has raised tariffs on Pittsburgh several times to try to pressure them into surrendering their rights to the name. Due to the lack of trade between the counties, tariffs have proved ineffective in convincing Pittsburgh to let go of the Allegheny River. Today, a new agreement may be in effect between the nations of Butler and Allegheny County. Formerly, Butler did not allow Allegheny passage through their nation when it came to the conflict between Lawrence and Allegheny. This time, however, both nations are in conflict with Venango County, giving Mayor Servanthood of Butler reason to allow passage through the nation of Butler. Mayor Blunders has violated his agreement not to call Pittsburgh, with several attempts made since Monday. Mayor Steelhead is now ordering his troops to invade Oil City to take Mayor Blunders' rotary phone away. With Oil City's main military members, Laurel and Hardy, now deployed to the most northern border, Mayor Blunders is calling on nine-year-old Timmy to help defend Oil City from the potential onslaught brought on by the Allegheny troops. Nine-year-old Timmy's mom has not agreed to allow her son on any mission after last year's tardiness resulted in her facing jail time with her husband. Blunders has promised to give Timmy's mother immunity from such consequence if she agrees to allow Timmy to fight for the cause of Oil City. Unfortunately, nine-year-old Timmy's mother knows that Blunders' word means nothing, since he is technically only a mayor. Allegheny troops are coming. It is just a question of when. Now that the border crisis has led to Butler siding woth Allegheny, the planet of Western Pennsylvania is now in a new era of divided nations.

The Cranberry Mall has officially announced the closure of the drain system on their west side parking lot. This came after structural concerns proved its makeup to be unsafe for attendees. “It saddens us to have to close this drainage system,” states the mall owner. “That specific drain has been open since it was first built.” With the mall already falling to ruin, the outside drainage system adds an element of grief to those who enjoyed watching water flow into it. “I used to appreciate the drainage system at the Cranberry Mall,” states local enthusiast of 504 Denial Street. “It's heartbreaking to see the drainage system go. But I'm happy for the progress that the mall is making.” The Westside drainage system was expected to outlast the remaining stores, as it did the ones that vacated before its structural damage. Unfortunately, the drainage system will not live to see the end of the mall's existence, since it too is now shutting down. For those interested in doing business at the drainage system before its permanent closure, special barriers have been assembled to ensure customers make it safely to their desired destination without the risk of wandering into the areas that are not safe. Please contact the Cranberry Mall while it still lasts for more information.

Police in Forest County are on high alert after a man allegedly put trash in a business's dumpster. According to reports by ExploreClarion, an unidentified man is throwing trash in waste containers that do not belong to him. Apparently, the theft of services is valued at $289. Don't take our word for it. That's the value cited in the police report. They put this under crime.... According to reports, police were dispatched to the scene of the dumpster August 22nd at about 9 a.m. Due to the rough life of Forest County culture, it seems that the officers cannot even enjoy their morning brew without it being disrupted by these darn dumpster dumpers. The perpetrator behind the trash dumping is reportedly still at large. Additionally, Forest County seems to believe it's worth the taxpayer money to keep the case open, given the magnitude of the crime. We are extremely disappointed that matters were taken to this extreme rather than something less severe, like a dumpster fire, or one of those homicides where gangs dump a body in the dumpster and drive away. It's extremely unfortunate that Jenks Township has their very own criminal placing his trash in bins that do not belong to him. If you happen to see any man placing trash in another person's bin, contact police immediately. In Forest County, that is a $289 crime. We're not sure how the business owner is losing $289 as a result of this. However, we do recognize that because it's Forest County, you have to put a high price on anything you can call a crime.

14th Street in downtown Erie is under a state of emergency after a Voodoo Reaper has reportedly stolen the hat of city-renowned singer Matthias Bankrupt Landbonnet. According to sources from the Erie Eardrum, the Reaper has been identified as the man whose name means God's peace, and whose last name means a mountain of transparent illuminating color. Apparently his first name also is a peaceful dust cleaner as well We don't share real names. For the real name, please consult Jeff. The motive behind stealing Landbonnet's hat is unclear. All we know is that the mountain of invisibility reportedly has a dark past, in which his presence resulted in unfortunate outcomes. For more information, ask him. As for the man we have identified as Landbonnet, he recently bragged that his name means "gift of God." We have checked the source, and according to Google AI, he is actually a dull, non-shiny finish on a smooth surface. For the name being defined, ask Matt. We are uncertain if the Reaper responsible for stealing Landbonnet's hat has the athleticism to jump a fence. All we can determine at this point is that Landbonnet has a bald spot exposed, proving that he can no longer depend on Elmer's glue for a mohawk. The situation is unfortunate, as it is interfering with the band currently playing at the front of the crowd, who, for some unknown reason, prefers to receive their salvation secondhand. For more information on why they want a generic brand of salvation, ask the beefcake in the center of this picture. The Venango Republic will continue to bring you updates on the state of Landbonnet's hat. While it is possible that the Reaper, with invisible mountainous illuminating abilities, can hop a fence, experts believe it's unlikely, since he needed the beefcake the last time his bar was invaded. For context, please search the article below.... For those interested in seeing the Arts and Drafts Festival bands you likely missed, here is Thursdays lineup... We don't share real names.... Google it... For those tired of consulting sources, please call our receptionist, Jenny, at 8675309.