A normal news organization would report on matters pertaining to public concern. In a small western Pennsylvania community, however, you pretty much have to take whatever you can get your hands on. That's where Clarion, Pennsylvania once again comes into our discussion. Clarion is arguably where the drama of all age groups comes together. It is a world of isolated middle-aged folks holding strong political opinions about a world they've never explored, merging their lifestyle with college kids getting their first taste of what it means to live outside of their parents' home. Consequently, everybody knows somebody they cannot stand unless that person is hyping drama in such a way that the community feels important in the scope of American politics. Explore Clarion reports anything that gets the town talking. For instance, a traveling veteran campaigning for his desired role in Congress. Although anyone can say they are running for Congress, what made this man worthy of coverage was his financial status. This man is so rich, he reserved an entire cafe to perform his rally inside. What made things even weirder was the fact that this man considers himself "apolitical" but would not shut up about national security. We understand that this man served our country overseas and wants to play a role in Congress that barely gives him a say in such matters. But as a man who is simply running for one tiny chunk of a commonwealth, do you think you can focus more on what is going on in that chunk of the commonwealth? No disrespect to the veteran. Thank you for serving our nation. But how is it that, as one of the few rural Pennsylvania natives who returned after leaving, you put Clarion's failing community on the list of targets for foreign powers? Did you not get the memo that Washington and New York make foreign trades? Last I checked, Clarion is not even an existing idea to anyone beyond Pennsylvania. Not to be a pessimist, but Clarion has nothing to offer the rest of the world. Even as a source of knowledge, students are coming to their college less and less every year. There are literally rumors around town that the university will fold in the next few years. Meanwhile, while you could be holding meetings about securing funding to make a better Pennsylvania, you instead discuss national security as if they are a target. Well, it is brilliant to say the least. When you are running for Congress in the 15th Congressional District, why not make your listeners feel more important than they really are? Let Clarion residents believe that by voting for you, the national security crisis will be resolved. You are only running for office to represent a small chunk of Pennsylvania. That pretty much gets you a front-row seat to Vladimir Putin.

Political tensions have now resulted in Sir Lawrence of Newcastle launching fireworks at Allegheny's capital of Pittsburgh. Despite numerous attempts to resolve the allegations of Lawrence County stealing West Pittsburg from Pittsburgh, Sir Lawrence says he has had enough and is ready to go to war with Mayor Steelhead. At 12:33 Thursday afternoon, a firework managed to strike the heart of Pittsburgh. Seven people were hit yet remained unwavering since their bodies are naturally made up of steel beams. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh has received word of the attack on Allegheny's capital. He is now mobilizing an army of 75 metal heads to defend the border of Allegheny County. Because the Venango Republic Universe is supposed to be a family-friendly one, we are still trying to figure out what Pittsburgh will throw back at Sir Lawrence without the implication of deadly force.... Stay tuned....

The city of Erie is facing what many are describing as a counterproductive way for a city to run if it wants to continue being called a city. According to sources at the Erie Bad News, the city is in crisis now that a long foreseen outcome has reached an inevitable crossroad. While it would be easy to rip on the current leadership, the real life mayor made this a primary subject of her campaign in the 2025 run and only took office in January of this year. Consequently, we have decided to take it out on the last guy who should have prevented this. It is kind of like a person who has been warned that they are walking straight for a waterfall of lava. They continue to walk towards it because they are an idiot. Not because they are blind. Not because they are wearing a blindfold. Just because they are a freaking moron! When the solution is to turn away from the waterfall of lava, some bozo thought to himself that changing course equates to zig zagging 5 feet in each direction while continuing to progress toward the bright colored lava. Sure, you add distance, while keeping your desired course of walking face first into nature's incinerator. The city openly admitted in their 2023 report that the administration of the time was forced to enter the early intervention program. Not the one for infant development. The one to save cities from future bankruptcy. We will start with speech therapy, work on fine motor skills, and progress to city budgets. The City of Erie really seems to love "five-year plans." They don't seem to ever have a plan to resolve a matter in a year's time. Almost like they hope extending it beyond their term will place the blame of any errors on the next administration. It's also interesting to note that Erie depends on a lot of nonprofits to revitalize the city. It's not that we have anything against nonprofits, but isn't the purpose of pushing for a thriving economy to make it profitable? We just need one more to see if we can use another one after it Nonprofits depend heavily on local funding and sometimes chump change provided by the state. How do you expect to fill your piggy bank if the only funds you're using to fill it are the funds that are in the piggy bank? A solution for this unforeseen outcome was to invest in a variety of programs that study why money is being spent. I mean.... Not bad positions to have if it keeps your town from a 12 million dollar deficit... Despite all the public services that they're passionate about, they oddly forgot to invest in an education program for politicians who failed the third grade. One example of the city's biggest blunders was receiving $76 million in federal ARP funding as a result of the COVID crisis. Some of the money went to good use, while a huge chunk of it also went into revitalization programs, such as those focused on beautifying or restoring the town. Numbers are fun with colors Wow... Almost 41 out of your 76 million dollars put towards making your town "feel" like it's thriving... Imagine if they had put it towards an industry to make your city thrive. Maybe then you would have the assurance of knowing you can afford to replace attributes to your house instead of having to pray that Erie will be able to bail you out the next time your gutter gets warped. Erie apparently had a deadline to fill. The 2024 financial report states that in order to receive all the funding from the ARP, they "had" to put it towards other expenses that traditional funds would normally cover. How do we know the traditional funds would not have covered those debts? They make a point of saying that the ARP was going to be spent in that capacity anyway. Covid relief for needs not caused by Covid... Got it... Interesting takeaway. Your last mayor built the backbone of his economy on a once in a lifetime COVID relief package that he squandered on speculative multi-year projects and nonprofits that wouldn't be necessary in a town that doesn't need them if it thrived. I know what you're thinking. Nonprofits offer services for people who don't have sustainable income. Agreed. That's why it's good to use 41 million dollars to bring in industry that produces sustainable incomes. In that case, the only people out of a job are the 5 people running your nonprofit. I'm sure the factory can hire them for something. Your former mayor doesn't seem fazed by the notion that a 12 million dollar crisis was coming because of him. That sounds confident So strong.... So mighty! WE ARE SPARTA! Oh... I forgot decades ago, people used these buildings... I know this is a difficult concept for people who want a nice looking house right now. Your gutter is warped, and your flower beds are filled with weeds. That's not an easy situation to be in when your city has failed you. You have to understand that your local government only has as much money as they can take from you and other citizens during tax season. But if your neighbors are angry after tax season and decide to move somewhere cheaper, your taxes go up and your flower garden is forced to stick with weeds. The solution to all of this is to get a bunch of people from places like Texas to say "we want to give our money to Erie." The only way people in Texas will want to give their twenty dollar bills to Erie is if you have something they are willing to buy from you. Otherwise, your economy will continue to run on funds existing in your town. Or grants provided by the government. Schember bragging his dependence on federal gifts That poor Jackson will never make it from Houston to Erie because your city officials aren't allowing your town to make products to trade for that 20 dollars. It is a simple principle called economics. To become rich, you have to offer a product that other rich people outside your immediate area are willing to buy from you. To have an affordable life, you need to make your area affordable. That million dollars is not going to enter Erie if you are not willing to produce something that an outsider would willingly pay a million dollars for. Unlike Austin Powers, we know for a fact that a million dollars is a freaking lot of money when you aren't sitting comfortably in a city hall office. Oh look... It's another 5 year plan for affordable housing that we speculate will be affordable in five years despite the economy getting worse over time.... Oh look... Another 5 year plan... Interestingly, this is under the current administration. I guess we will be ripping into your current mayor sooner than later. You.... You're supposed to be better than Schember! Much sooner than we thought...

The fourth phase of Elk County's war against the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has begun as Elk forces are now moving into the West Crawford territory. Reports from the Crawford Carnage state that Mayor Dogfood's forces are already retreating after finding that their Meow Mix artillery is completely useless against the enemy forces invading their land. West Crawford struggles to hold off the Elk The industrial city of Cochranton has fallen, placing a moral burden on the nation of West Crawford. Cochranton is the religious hub of the Venango Republic Universe and is now in the hands of Elk soldiers. Lines are spreading thin and the border of West Crawford will soon be officially lessened in size if the military is unable to push back. If compromised, Mayor Bighorn of Elk County will surely press to the southern border of Erie. Edinboro is Erie County's most southern city. Much like Clarion, their military consists of college students armed with textbooks. President Mayor Paranoia of Erie, capital of Erie County, is now calling on Edinboro Mayor Graham Bell to ready his forces in case the southern border is attacked. Meanwhile, Meadville still stands as the capital of West Crawford. Mayor Dumbdumb of Titusville, capital of East Crawford, has not yet attacked the east border of his neighboring county. If he so chooses to do so, Mayor Dogfood will have two fronts to defend. As for the Elk, should they overtake Meadville, they will control the passage of I-79. A direct route to Erie is feasible through this artery, but will require much diligence to ensure they are not hit by oncoming traffic. The Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization will likely soon be down to only two remaining nations. Mercer County and Forest County have barely played a role in the conflict. When they have engaged, Mercer is the only one that has stood strong. This means that only Mercer will remain as its own independent county.

A military operation on the part of the Zugnar Alliance failed to capture Venango County's capital of Oil City last week. With all of PLATO's defenses focused on the city, President Mayor Bighorn of Elk County withdrew his troops and took the rest of Venango. Northwestern Pennsylvania as it currently exists Now, Mayor Bighorn has a region shaped similarly to an elk figure by combining his conquered lands of Clarion, Jefferson, and Venango County. Unfortunately for Bighorn, however, Venango still lays claim to a tiny patch in the center of the Elk Empire's left horn. Bighorn is now making threats to cut off all of Blunders' supply routes if he does not sacrifice Oil City in the name of the Elk Empire. Blunders, who has not exited City Hall for the last three days, says that he will address the matter once his laxatives “do their work.” East wing Ballroom to be completed after the war In a press briefing today from inside the Outhouse, Blunders told the press that he is unimpressed with Bighorn's conquering of three northwestern Pennsylvanian superpowers. He even went so far as to insult the shape of Bighorn's pride. “I think it looks more like a moose than an elk,” Blunders told reporters as they plugged their noses. “It brings back a lot of memories from watching Rocky and Bullwinkle.” Bighorn has taken these remarks as a direct insult to the Elk Empire. He says that if Blunders does not redact his statements, all power leading to Oil City will be cut off. “I don't know what redact means,” Blunders stated from inside the Outhouse at a later briefing. “I just know that our electric bill is overdue anyway. It was probably bound to happen.” Blunders is pressing his luck. With Elk now possessing Jefferson County's capital of Punxsutawney, Bighorn now has control of the Groundhog Day Accords and can extend winter in any region he pleases. Should Blunders continue this game, Oil City could find itself under five feet of snow. “The Outhouse has a really warm blanket.” We are still trying to figure out why Venango elected this man...

They are one of three counties in the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization not impacted by the Elk invasion. Forest is still standing with no land compromised as of yet. That is not stopping President Mayor Fishhook from taking immediate action to ensure his people are safe. An egg strike on a foreign refinery required stealth procedure to avoid the enemy detecting the attack. At 7:22 Thursday evening, the Forest County Airforce launched several eggs from 20 feet away, managing to hit their target with pinpoint accuracy. “It was a successful operation due to the collaborative efforts of Forest County Intelligence and Google Maps,” Mayor Fishhook told the press shortly after the attack. Generals in Tionesta, capital of the eastern side of Forest County, were able to locate a refinery just across the border. Armed with state-of-the-art chicken eggs, the Airforce members were accompanied by a platoon of soldiers armed with fishing poles. Now, Warren no longer can operate their Pennzoil business without the smell of rotting egg. Ad While West Crawford prepares their front for the oncoming conflict with Elk troops, the counties of western Pennsylvania all know that they cannot allow their governments to be complacent about border security. Three counties have already paid a hefty price. More may also find themselves facing the same fate.

An unexpected shoplifter has successfully evaded Cranberry's only mall cop. According to sources, Jamal Fart, a 40-year veteran for the Cranberry Mall Law Enforcement Agency, was unsuccessful in apprehending a squirrel that made off with a shoelace from Maurice's. The event took place around 10:37 a.m. Wednesday morning. Fart was just beginning his shift when he heard screaming coming from the mall's last hope. Despite taking his Segway out of park, Fart was unable to make the machinery operable. He eventually remembered that his Segway is a dolly and continued responding on foot. Upon arriving at Maurice's, Fart noted that one of the shoppers was a different species than anything that had ever shopped in the mall before. Additionally, he noted it was the only shopper, period. An attempt was made to reach for his taser before he quickly deduced that he doesn't have one. This gave the squirrel the opportunity needed to run right by Fart undetected. We think AI keeps changing his ethnicity... Also, it is a price gun... Fart made his most athletic attempt to dive at the squirrel, but fell roughly 10 feet short of the perpetrator. His long jump would only be recorded at 2 inches. The shoplifter managed to climb a tarp hanging from the ceiling and made his escape through the tiles above. Authorities state that the robber could theoretically last for weeks above the ceiling with the water supply available to him from the leaking roof. Surrounding the building may be protocol, but will probably cost more than the taxpayer can afford. He literally just fell down A police report has been filed, identifying a suspect roughly one foot long with gray hair covering his entire body. Fart noted that unlike any other shopper he's observed before, this one has a fluffy tail, along with two buck-like teeth. Sketch based on Farts description Anyone with information about the perpetrator has been asked to call Jenny at 867-5309. Any lead to help put this animal behind bars is greatly appreciated.

The success of Elk County's invasion of western Pennsylvania superpowers has helped East Crawford and Warren build their reputation off the backs of the Elk military. While Dumdum's military from East Crawford has struggled to overcome Venango's intellectual superiority, Elk simply avoided Oil City and took every other region the Venango military couldn't cover. Northwestern Pennsylvania borders as we speak Now that Elk County is preparing a full invasion of West Crawford, Mayor Dumdum of Titusville is requesting full control of the nation if the operation winds up being a success. According to sources from the Crawford carnage, Dumdum wants to reunite the nations of East Crawford and West Crawford for the pride of Titusville's historical roots. He believes Elk County can give him that opportunity. In a press briefing today, Mayor Bighorn of Elk County informed his listeners that he has no intention of incorporating West Crawford into the union of his elk-shaped territory. The invasion of Jefferson, Clarion, and Venango County branded western Pennsylvania with the image of his species, and marrying that to West Crawford would ruin such a look. Left fits Elk agenda Dumdum was pleased to learn Elk County has no desire to incorporate West Crawford into their combination of territories. When West Crawford requested Titusville become their own separate county, East Crawford residents were flabbergasted that the west side of their union wanted nothing to do with their existence. Now, Dumdum intends to reinstate what West Crawford tried to bury. Only this time, he will try to extend those borders northward into the nation of Erie. Dumbdumb’s vision "We shall use our greatest weapon to our advantage," Dumbdumb told the press. He was talking about Elk County. Warren’s motives are not as clear. Mayor Fossil Fuel has not spoken of what advantages his county from invasions. All we know is that somebody in Warren clearly hates clean rivers. The next attack is expected to hit Meadville. Mayor Dogfood of West Crawford has equipped more military men with higher portions of Meow Mix for the conflict to come. As they set up roadblocks, every German Shepherd ages 2 months to 12 years has been ordered to take up paws.

The Venango Republic is filing a lawsuit against an Erie resident for a violation of intellectual property rights. According to sources, the lawsuit, filed under the fictional courts of western Pennsylvania, alleges that an anonymous user shared a photo produced by Venango Republic staff members without offering proper credit to the source. Consequently, the lawsuit is currently being filed against a face we still cannot identify. The case is already working against the Venango Republic, given that the only attorney willing to take the case was Jake Horking Kake, Venango County’s worst attorney. Horking Kake did in fact file a lawsuit when he stuffed a lawyer’s tuxedo inside a filing cabinet and shoved it up against a defendant’s door. Unfortunately, it was not the same defendant we are trying to sue. We still have not identified who that person is yet. Horking Kake using logic The anonymous individual has already shown up to the first hearing with their face marked by a Facebook profile emoji. Despite countless requests to tear the emoji off their face, the individual has elected to keep it on, citing that it is their personal right to protect their identity from people willing to sue over a stupid meme. Fictional court While the Venango Republic does not have a strong case to justify a lawsuit against an anonymous being, Blobbert Blobfish, founder and CEO of the Venango Republic, says that they will continue pushing forward, noting that the story is ridiculous enough to justify the satire. Blobbert Blobfish interviewed outside the courtroom by our Stonemason, George Washington In return, Blobbert Blobfish asked that the person who shared our photo as their own personal meme remain anonymous in order that we continue this nonsensical storyline about a fictional lawsuit.

Nobody died. Nonetheless, Mayor Blunders of Oil City requested that all serving in the Battle of Oil City take part in a ceremony to honor the fallen soldiers who never actually fell. To add a flavor of authenticity, he pushed over one of the groundhogs during the ceremony next to the fountain on the edge of town. Accompanying Blunders was Mayor Intelect of Clarion, dressed in his typical graduation gown, and Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, both of which have no counties to return to after Elk overthrew their governments. Venango barely survived, focusing all their resources on defending the capital of Venango County. Consequently, Elk, Warren, and East Crawford decided to stop attacking the city and just took the rest of the county instead. Now, Venango County is just Oil City. West Crawford and Erie, you're next... Worst of all, the Zugnar Alliance is not done expanding their empire. With Elk successfully overthrowing Clarion and Jefferson County, their ownership of the Groundhog Day Accords means they have the power to cause winter to take place anywhere they want. The next logical targets for the Elk Empire are the nations of West Crawford and Mercer. Both are highly trained and weaponized with golf clubs and Meow Mix. Unfortunately, the only county which has stood strong against the Zugnar Alliance aside from Venango County is Mercer. This suggests that Elk will likely attack West Crawford. Should they find success, it will give them direct access to Erie. If Mayor Paranoia folds, then the lake. After that, nothing! Mayor Bighorn of Elk County cannot be allowed to have nothing. He must be stopped if there is any hope of keeping him from achieving this ultimate prize. As the militaries of PLATO pay honors in Oil City, a discussion must be had regarding whether it is appropriate to take back the lands. Given that places like Franklin no longer belong to Oil City, attempts to retrieve it might result in intercountial backlash and potentially war. This is not a light matter.

Oil City has withstood the test of the Zugnar Alliance, with Elk County forces now retreating to the city of Franklin. Accompanying them are two soldiers of East Crawford and three Warren County military men. The decision to retreat came at about 9:15 Monday evening. East Crawford troops detonated another pizza bomb over the Main Street Bridge before advancing to Petroleum Street. While attempting to discharge another explosive, Elk forces charged across the bridge and trampled the East Crawford military. Trampling allies to the Zugnar Alliance was an easy decision for Elk forces, who recently discovered the resiliency of the Mercer military. Elk was unsuccessful in reaching Veterans Bridge after two days of continual fighting. A flanking maneuver also proved unsuccessful as Mercer forces met them at every turn. Mercer in teal, Elk in red Elk County has for the first time been forced to retreat from battle. They are now heading for Franklin, which undoubtedly will fall to the Zugnar Alliance. All regions surrounding Oil City will then be considered a part of Elk County since enemy soldiers from all directions have possessed those lands. By tomorrow morning, this will be Venango County to the rest of Western Pennsylvania. West Crawford next.... We will be the first county in history arguably to be completely surrounded by one single county. Consequently, this will cut the remaining Venango territory off from the rest of the world. Not that it makes much of a difference anyway.

A recent trend of breaking local laws has one business in danger of finding alternatives to windows. According to sources, 1020 Collective in downtown Erie is trying to decide if it is worth paying staff to pick up glass off the floor, or simply replace their windows with bricks that can collapse on people when they try to vandalize the property. The dilemma came about after a window unexpectedly separated itself from the building. According to sources, it did receive some assistance from a solid foreign object that was thrown through it. Nonetheless, the window decided to give way. This means you may have to purchase tickets next time they have a for-profit event, assuming the windows will be replaced by plywood. This is not the first time such a matter came to be for the collection of 1020 something. According to the staff, another window divided itself into thousands of pieces after realizing a solid object was trying to pass through it. "I served in that window frame for decades," says a shard of glass from the original window. "You spend your life trying to make something of yourself, and someone comes along to break your spirit." The shard has since changed careers as a random irritant randomly resting on the beach. He is still waiting for his first customer. It is unlikely that 1020 Collective will allow their establishment to exist without objects in the open spaces of their building. Though crime rates are notably a concern, the owners also fear it being difficult to display art in their venue given the gusts of wind that could rip through in the winter. It only makes sense that their building be reinforced with something to enclose those spaces that were left when the building was first erected. The question still remains; should they keep using glass?