Cranberry's only mall cop states that he may consider retirement after last week's humiliating altercation with a squirrel. During an interview with The Venango Republic's official stone mason, George Washington, Jamal Fart stated that he is growing tired of the crime world after 40 years of service. "The younger generation just doesn't know how to respect law enforcement anymore," Fart told Washington, just before blowing another one. "I try to get through to these kids that abiding lawfully is the only way to live in harmony. Unfortunately, the school banned me when I drew my taser on the bully." Fart doesn't own a taser. He just happened to blow up the entire school during his visit that day. The aftermath of Farts school day. Picture taken five miles away Washington managed to escape the interview in good health. Given that his face is made of granite, he was unable to smell anything. Further investigations show no correlation between Fart and the Cranberry mall vacancies. As for Fart's potential retirement, he says it depends on if he can catch the squirrel in a reasonable time. George Washington interviews a constipated Fart, which AI made caucasian this time.... He was Hispanic last week... "If I am unable to catch the squirrel in the next two weeks, I may consider stepping down," Fart told Washington. "It's a difficult decision knowing that the next generation of mall cops won't have my experience." There likely won't be a next generation of mall cops. Nonetheless, we let him live in his delusion. Fart was saddened by the reality this could be it for his career. After a 45 minute interview of useless conversation about his boring tenure, Fart got on his dolly, put it in drive, and rode off straight into the floor. What the heck?!?!?! The Venango Republic would like to apologize for our AI generators poor timing on ethnic alterations. We want to emphasize that the black Fart was never meant to hit the floor. Only the white one. This racially insensitive content will not be tolerated and those responsible will be punished severely. We will now move on to other news as we resolve the former matters. Here is our Weatherman, Indiana Jones....

The sudden fall to the Zugnar Alliance has many disappointed that Erie will no longer be known as an independent county. With fears about Elk County continuing their campaign to rule over all of Western Pennsylvania, many are wondering when County War 1 will finally be over. We here at the Venango Republic prefer to look at the bright side of things. For one, Elk County's decision to entrust East Crawford with rulership over Erie means that Crawford now has more to offer than just Titusville and Meadville. This means that a trip to Crawford County consists of more than just drugs and a dog food factory. In the nature of being optimistic about the bright future for Crawford's recently conquered region, here are the top ten things to do in the new Crawford County. Presque Isle State Park What makes Presque Isle State Park such an alluring attraction is the vast waterway that nearly looks like an ocean. People come from miles around because they can't afford a trip to the Atlantic. This makes Presque Isle a great alternative for people on a budget and is one of Crawford County's best tourist spots. Bayfront Dining Lake Crawford (formally known as Lake Erie) features several businesses along the water's edge with high-quality dining services. This is one aspect of the modern Crawford one would not have found in the county before. Now, it is one of the number one reasons why people love coming to Crawford County. Boat Tours and Bay Activities If there is one thing the old Crawford was missing, it was the boat tours. Before, people only had a few creeks and maybe a river to choose from. Now, they have an entire lake known as Lake Crawford (formally known as Lake Erie) to perform boat tours on. Union City NO! Amusement Parks and Water Parks If you are sick of looking at an oversized lake, you might consider the several water parks Crawford County has available. Ranging from Waldimir Water World, Splash Lagoon, or your friend's garden hose. There are so many options to choose from when you come to Crawford's north side. Minor League Baseball Yes, the Crawford SeaWolves (formally known as the Erie SeaWolves) are a classic example of American tradition. Here, you can experience the joys of watching players hit home runs, or the boredom of days where nothing is getting hit. Zoos and Wildlife Crawford's most northern city of Erie features a zoo with various species of animals. Additionally, there are other wildlife attractions including the sketchy areas of town. These places consist of druggies, drunkards, and muggers who may or may not spare your life in exchange for your wallet. Lake Crawford (formally Lake Erie) Viewing Areas We're back to the lake again. Yes, there are high rises to view the vastness of Lake Crawford (formally Lake Erie) from. The most notable is the Bicentennial Tower. With a height of 187 feet, you can observe what birds see when they are slightly lower than 187 feet off the ground. We say slightly lower because the viewing deck is not the highest point. Bars The nightlife of Crawford County is one of the most exciting things for people who want to live recklessly. We would recommend checking out the ones in Crawford's most northern city of Erie. This would be the city resting next to Lake Crawford (formally known as Lake Erie). Theaters Crawford County's most northern city of Erie features the Warner Theater, a classic performing arts center first erected in 1931. Parking is terrible because it exists downtown. Nonetheless, visitors get to experience the kinds of performances people saw before technology gave us access to entertainment on screens.

An official community report states that an unspecified number of chickens were set loose near a CVS located in Millcreek. The location of the CVS is vague, with only reference to a Sterrettania right below a CVS.... Whatever the Hell that means.... Huh... The more you know.... The report was made via a Millcreek community page on Facebook. Several locals were quick to respond with their sympathies for the KFC primary ingredient. Unfortunately, only one felt it was appropriate to call the police. We mean to say that it is unfortunate that anyone felt the need to do so. Sure they will... They aren't just saying that... Well, if they are in fact looking into it, you know why your community will be late in paying this month's bill for the Zem Zem building you overpaid for (Google Zem Zem in Millcreek if you are confused). Your tax dollars will have been spent on the officers' bonus for saving the lives of pre-barbecued wings. Interestingly, nobody is calling the cops for the other birds crossing the road in the more wooded areas of Western Pennsylvania. Screw our Thanksgiving dinner! With no information aside from the vague Facebook post, we are unable to determine what state the chickens are in. All we can determine is that they are loose and potentially dangerous. Experts are recommending locals switch to chicken-proof houses in order to ensure homes are impeccable. AI photo generator hilarity... Anyone outdoors is being warned to carry an extra set of golf clubs in case the chickens are rabid. At the very least, these monsters may be capable of flying. You have heard that overused pun suggesting that the swine flew. For all we know, it applies to flightless birds as well. Stay indoors at all costs. If you must go out, be prepared to use vehicular force before someone calls the police. At the very least, you can say you were helping the chicken get to the other side.... of life.... Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns...." but chickens are not birds of the air.... Therefore, they must fry! One final joke. What do you get when you combine a car and a pet? This is the Twilight Zone. And this is the plot twist you were not expecting. Oh come on! They've been a primary Lo mein ingredient for generations!

The Elk County military has executed another attack on the most northern county in Western Pennsylvania. Mayor Bighorn of Elk County has been working to expand his empire in an endeavor to brand Western Pennsylvania with the image of an elk. However, the buck does not stop with the branding. What Northwestern PA is becoming.... Mayor Bighorn has taken things further by promising his allies of East Crawford and Warren that he will crush the militaries of other counties to reward them for their allegiance to the elk species. Much of this appreciation comes from the fact that you can't find an elk burger in most restaurants of either county. An attack on Erie's most southern industrial city of Edinboro forced the elk to detour. With much of the military at Edinboro being of Scottish origin, the bagpipes were overwhelming for elk troops to listen to since they only like that sound around mating season. Edinboro military preparing for combat Now, elk troops are marching towards the capital of Erie County, Erie. President Mayor Paranoia will surely fold under the pressure of an opposing military, which will extend Crawford's territory further north. Meanwhile, in the south of Western Pennsylvania, Mayor Bighorn has mobilized a unit of elk troops to invade Indiana, Pennsylvania to extend the neck of his conquered territory. If successful, he will surely press eastward to Cambria, creating a body for his ugly beast. What Bighorn may be aspiring to The Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization has folded, and the entirety of Western Pennsylvania is now facing a greater threat than it ever has before. Mayor Steelhead of Pittsburgh, capital of Allegheny County, addressed the press this morning stating that even if Indiana is taken, it does not yet justify Allegheny's involvement. Indiana County has not signed a treaty with Pittsburgh, meaning that coming to the nation's defense could mean intercounty backlash. Mayor Steelhead speaks to the press Much has transpired in the short time of this county war. But so much can happen if Bighorn is not stopped. Northern counties are now calling on the southern counties to stand up against Bighorn, believing that his endeavor is to take over the world, leaving nothing in Western PA left. The only question remains if any southern county will answer the call.

The City of Franklin is observing its first, in what experts predict becoming a strain of oral disease. According to sources, the unexpected retirement of a 37-year veteran in dental work is already resulting in the outbreak of dental sickness, with one case reported so far. Oral decay is not uncommon to the Western Pennsylvania region, as many individuals are known to neglect their oral hygiene. What makes this particular case unique is that it may be contagious, with experts predicting its origins coming from bats who love cocoa beans. The only hope that seems to be acting in favor of Western Pennsylvania residents is the consistency of people already losing their natural dentures. Last year, a study from Venango Campus found that approximately 93% of Western Pennsylvania residents no longer have the means to chew their food due to other strains of tooth decay ruining their chompers. Consequently, it makes much more sense why people refer to this region as PencilTucky. Despite the cases being low, experts still predict the possibility of the issue spreading if people are not encouraged to maintain a six-foot distance from sugar-dependent foods. Additionally, dental hygienists from around the world are recommending that everyone wear a mask just in case a strand of hard candy flies toward an individual's mouth. Residents are also being encouraged not to touch their faces in case melted chocolate manages to get on one's hands. To help combat the spread, hygienists recommend brushing your teeth for at least 20 seconds, or as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice. For best practice, we recommend singing along as we type out the lyrics to Happy Birthday. We will also sing along in order that we know for sure whether or not we have it memorized. Here we go, all together now. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, you dumb little twit singing to yourself as you read this on your phone, happy birthday to you. And again, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, you dumb little twit singing to yourself as you read this on your phone. Happy birthday to you. For the record, we did not actually sing this while we typed it. We merely hoped that you would sing it, in order that you feel silly after realizing that you did it on your own. It is still uncertain as to whether or not the outbreak will spread beyond its first case. Nonetheless, in the nature of overdramatizing a minor crisis to paint a worldwide problem that isn't actually happening, experts and media outlets alike have decided to declare this a worldwide pandemic, whose primary disease has been named Cavid-26. For those of you who are slow, Cavid is a shortened version of the word cavity. Now you get the joke.

The word "tribune" refers to one who defends the rights of others. There is, of course, irony in Crawford's largest city having a paper called the Meadville Tribune. People have exercised their right to leave that town for years and have faced no oppression preventing such a decision whatsoever. We're not quite sure who the Meadville Tribune thinks they're speaking up for. Perhaps the denial of their city officials, who are trying to sell confidence that their town has the potential to draw people back based on the houses that have been left by the homeowners who used to occupy them. No joke. The Meadville Tribune came out with an article where city officials tried to argue that the affordable living resulting from people not wanting to be there could be an attractive way to draw people back to their community. To put into perspective the rationale being used to justify this circular reasoning, imagine if your wife was such an awful cook that people suddenly gave up on her. They become so tired of faking their appreciation that your wife has to ask you, "Why won't anyone try my cooking at the potluck anymore?" Now you are forced to come up with some lame excuse. Your excuses are so bad, you tell her, "The fact that they don't want it means that they'll probably come back to it soon." There's your logic, Meadville. In a story covered by the Meadville Tribune, officials suggested that there is a high demand to move to Meadville due to the lower cost of living. To which we say, the low cost of living is only appealing to those who can't afford nicer homes anywhere else. Even the officials seem to understand this, since they're cited as stating that there is a shortage of high-quality homes in the region. Every western Pennsylvania declining town uses the "small town" charm argument... Yes. But for every decrease in high-quality homes, there is an increase in low-quality homes. You need to look at the positive side of things, people.... We're a little confused as to how Meadville is missing what led to the rise in low-quality homes. Do they not see that it's based on the fact that people are not finding enough opportunity to justify being there? It's a very simple principle. Less higher-class jobs means less money to keep houses looking higher class. The officials have numbers, by the way. They state that based on their data, roughly 75 percent of workers in the city live outside the town. That, of course, doesn't give much information. If only 4 people worked in town, that statistic would suggest only one person lives there, meaning that the city is struggling to draw three people.... We might be fudging the numbers slightly.... The article suggests 1,400 commuters making 40 thousand yearly..... For a city that consisted of almost 14 thousand residents in the early 2000s, it says a lot when you are desperate to draw one tenth of that back a quarter century later. Are we talking butter churn? I knew you were poor. I didn't know your town was converting back to colonialism.

A local ice boom is set to appear in court after months of pending charges for abandoning his post. The inanimate object known to Venango residents as Bob has pending charges for his decision to leave his comrades and go floating down the river. Experts are suggesting that Bob's negligence led to ice breakage that impacted all connecting waterways between Western Pennsylvania's most northern point and regions south of Pittsburgh. Bob denies the allegations to the events last February, citing that the ice broke due to rising temperatures. Bob is being represented by Western Pennsylvania's dumbest attorney, Jake Horking Kake. Horking Kake has been collecting evidence all week in preparation for the upcoming trial. So far, he managed to find 3 seashells he bought from Walmart, which will serve no purpose whatsoever. Horking Kake and Ice Boom following February trial. Horking Kake is off topic as usual. The trial is set to take place Friday at 9 a.m. before the honorable Judge Beagle. It will be televised should Horking Kake successfully smuggle his phone into the courtroom.

The Elk County military has successfully taken control of West Crawford County by laying siege to their capital of Meadville. Mayor Dogfood of Meadville has officially been captured by enemy forces and is now being forced to play dead. The event took place around 7 p.m. Monday evening, with a mass-scale invasion overwhelming the West Crawford defenses. K-9 Unit special ops tried everything to deter the Elk but eventually found themselves falling prey to Mayor Bighorns' military. By the time Elk soldiers reached the wall, West Crawford units discovered that their Meow Mix was useless to be thrown at the enemy. Accompanying the Elk County military were members of the East Crawford forces as well as Warren County military personnel. East Crawford has been trying to unite the two Crawfords under the leadership of Mayor Dumbdumb ever since the west side separated to form their own independent county. Now, it seems that West Crawford will once again be integrated under the banner of Mayor Dumbdumb's Crawfordiate Union. Furthermore, troops are now moving northward toward Erie in what will be an attempt to overtake Pennsylvania's Canada. Should this be accomplished, then all of Northwestern Pennsylvania's major superpowers will be under the Zugnar Alliance.

A Grove City man has pleaded guilty to criminal mischief for damage to property after trying to retrieve his bag of Cheetos. According to reports from Explore Our Far From Crime Central Community, a 41-year-old broke a window to a vending machine while trying to retrieve an item stuck inside. The matter was so blown out of proportion, it made it as a headline on Venango's few remaining "news" sources. The article openly admits the man simply leaned against the machine to make the item fall, but then reports the matter like a crime took place. We still don't know if he had paid for it or not. Information suggests that the perpetrator of the honest mistake was originally charged with "one second-degree misdemeanor count of institutional vandalism and one summary count of criminal mischief," which again, is a really wordy way to say he accidentally broke a window. We were later shocked to learn that despite pleading guilty to the "crime" on May 5th, he was released from prison on May 6th..... Sounds like the judge also thought this was stupid news....

An Aliquippa officer is in remission after reacting to a Smarties exposure. According to reports from the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist, the officer collapsed in a patrol van, requiring 2 gallons of water to slow his heart rate. There are questions pertaining to whether the officer handled the Smarties properly. Currently, the Beaver County district herbivore crime specialist states no crime is apparent, mainly because Smarties are legal. The officer told TVR he has no recollection of being popular in school. He says after graduating middle school, he inherited several conditions like hyperglycemia, which frequently got him beat up in class. The Smarties which put him on the floor panting were retrieved from his 8-year-old son, who also has hyperglycemia. He too gets beat up in class. "I just wanted to ensure he didn't get a sugar high," the officer told reporters. "Smarties are a dangerous substance when snorted." The officer has since been cleansed by the station's chaplain. "When we found out who the officer was, none of us thought this guy has a Smarties problem," Scripture said. "This is a perfect example of how a tiny bit of temptation can impact someone drastically." The station's chaplain then performed an hour-long service with a message on pure eating habits. At the conclusion, we ate stale bread. With the officer choosing to remain anonymous, it is difficult to know how to identify him out of all the other officers snorting Smarties. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that they all are beavers native to Aliquippa.

The Erie School Board has officially announced their intent to limit student individuality by claiming they are not trying to limit student individuality. According to reliable sources across the media, board members in the Erie School District haven't learned lessons from the way they reacted when the generation preceding them tried imposing subjective standards for them to live by. "We decided it was best to make children do what we hated adults doing to us." States Iaman Ageist of the Erie School Board. "I am not ageist. I just happen to know that my generation had it right." Whether or not professional dress codes are strictly subjective is still a matter of dispute. We consulted several generations to understand their perspective, but even the earliest we could go back insisted theirs was more acceptable than everyone else. Even our great great great great grandparents are struggling to get through Despite coming from a line of generations that consistently tried to break away from a parent's generational outlook on coolness, the school board of Erie has fallen under the same idiocy. One woman, who we will refer to as Carbon Dateline, suggested to several news outlets that dressing professional as a child will ensure you "look professional as an adult." Which begs the question... What if they grow up to join a nudist colony? This is the problem with human nature. Every kid grows up having to distinguish the difference between adult standards meant to make a child a productive member of society and subjective opinions that rob a child of their ability to express oneself. Kids also will have to earn a living one day. Are you going to vote to stop feeding them? It's not long before kids completely forget what hell the older generation put them through, and they wind up doing the same to the generation that follows them. It's a classic case of, "I used to be a metalhead, and now I work for the Erie School Board." The argument being used by the Erie School Board is that dressing formally will allow the kids to have more positive interactions. Kind of like the guys who used to knock each other off.... Professionalism = positive influences Yes, it is certainly a good thing to raise our children to believe that professional attire erases their sins. It also makes perfect sense to require children to dress in formal ways that restrict their individuality to shoelaces and tiny bracelets on their arms. They're AC/DC. Don't tell the principal. That's so much better than encouraging them to wear shirts promoting love and acceptance. "That will be enough of your generosity" Let's also not forget the untested claim by the Erie School Board that dressing formally creates positive interactions. Just be grateful you all get to look alike.... That was a reference to the dress code you freaking racists! Oh yes, I went there, because whether you feel comfortable with the idea or not, robbing children of their individuality can certainly provoke them to deeper forms of depression. Consequently, when horrible things happen such as death, the underlying issues go unresolved because the older generation keeps making it about the surface observations.... Let's talk about Columbine, shall we? Following Columbine, trench coats were banned from schools, and anyone who dressed in all black could have been immediately suspended even if their mental stability surpassed the wisdom of the Erie school board. Despite the horrific event being performed by only two pricks, a bunch of older pricks allowed subjective stupidity to rule their outlook on dealing with a deeper issue. The school, being the morons they were, had to villainize everyone who expressed themselves in a unique way. Now I ask you, did dressing up in trench coats have anything to do with why those two pricks committed that horrible crime? Actually, no, because prior to that, the school did not prevent them from wearing trench coats. So it's probably safe to assume they weren't acting in rebellion towards the inability to wear a trench coat. We deduced this by the fact that they were allowed to wear the trench coats. Anyone who has studied that story thoroughly knows that Harris and Klebold were not only bullied, but consistently bullied others with teachers who did nothing to intervene. After Columbine, you bet they intervened, by taking expression of identity away and villainizing people for outward appearances. It wasn't just the school, but adults who also jumped to wild conclusions about trench coats and black clothing being the cause of shooter tendencies. He forgot to mention his partially stained Fruit of the Looms. That's exactly why he hasn't turned to drugs. A study at Ohio State consisting of 6,000 subjects found that uniforms brought a sense of lower belonging because of the students inability to have freedom of expression. What was that about positive interactions? "Our policy on advertising restrictions allows local businesses the freedom to advertise on toothbrush bristles instead of billboards." You know that making blatant statements and assuming they are true is a logical fallacy right? Now, let's talk, you old farts sitting comfortably close to retirement. I want to know how a board of people arguably raised in rebel generations ranging from the 80s to the late 2000s could have unanimously voted to put a stupid rule on children that would have lost your respect when you were children. It's ok. I did research, unlike you... There's nothing that boosts a kid's self-esteem more than knowing that the adults support their interests. If you want to be guilty of pretending that's not productive, you can keep gaslighting the public with the age-old notion that formality makes you better than other people. The only difference is that faking stupidity doesn't erase the reality that you are robbing children of a much more productive means of expression. Lets face it. You board members are probably getting up there in years. I saw a video of one lady in your group and there's no doubt that by the time these kids are out of school, she'll probably be dead. Your idea of professionalism will not apply when these kids are old enough to learn how to rob a bank. So how about you all agree to come together, sit down in your state-funded office chairs, and actually ask what promotes the best interest of these kids. Just make sure to keep your generational imposition out of it.

A parking meter malfunction has drastically impacted Venango County and its capital of Oil City, with a temporary police order preventing people from using the space. According to sources, the meter, located just outside of the Venango County Museum on Seneca Street, has disappeared completely, with what experts are saying is an intentional removal for maintenance. The sign became visible to the public at about 3 p.m. Thursday afternoon. Shortly thereafter, the Oil City stock market crashed, causing what many hope to be a temporary great depression. It's uncertain when the meter will be up and functioning again. Whatever maintenance work must be done to repair the meter will likely take as long as it takes to repair a parking meter. Consequently, the city is looking for volunteers to stand on the street corner to receive change from anyone desiring to park in that space. Otherwise, the temporary police order sign will continue discouraging drivers from having a space that has served the community for decades.