Study Finds Plucking Living Chickens to Death is Good for Anxiety

It's true! Plucking live chickens before stabbing them with a fork helps reduce anxiety as it builds a sense of dominance.

A study from Venango County Campus found that chickens are incredibly plentiful. So much, professors at the wanna be University could justify inhumane experiments to test it's effect on humans. The results proved beneficial!

The chickens were placed in a room with a bowl of water and only their chicken like nature. One by one, they were chased with a taser (courtesy of Razor Wire Tampons) before being plucked to death. The results proved that exercising dominance over pre-barbecued fried favorites enhances one's sense of self worth.

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Once the subjects were mangled, they were donated to a Chick Filet where their bodies served as a satisfying alternative to tongue souse. Never heard of tongue souse? It's a real thing! See for yourself....

Straight from the trash compactor

Word got back to Clarion University who this time pretended they weren't home. Unfortunately, the president eventually had to come outside where he was approached and learned the truth of what happened. He is disappointed and wishes he could pluck Venango County Campus from his oversight.

As for the chickens, they will live on the memories of those who got to enjoy the fried versions of themselves. As for those gullible enough to believe this fabricated news story, they too will live on in the memories of those smart enough to grasp satiracle humor. As for those who take offense to such satiracle humor.... Why don't you take offense to the fact that chickens get their heads cut off all the time?