The left horn of the Elk Empire has been cut off with the reclaimed Venango territory. Now, the face is still intact with Clarion and Jefferson County under the control of Mayor Bighorn. Current western PA borders on left, post war goals on right Military operatives for Jefferson and Venango are working their way through each major city to drive the Elk military from the region. Southern Jefferson County has seen much success in the process of collapsing every city with underground tunnels. As for Clarion, the weapon of choice is 9-year-old Timmy of the Venango County military. Timmy approaches Sligo Timmy has not showered in months ever since his assignment to drive East Crawford troops away from Marienville, capital of East Forest. Being forced to travel the distance on foot, Timmy had no way to bathe, and has since been a valuable asset in deterring enemies away with his neglected hygiene. This morning was a primary example of Timmy's value to the armies of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. When approaching Sligo, Elk troops instantly withdrew from the city. Although the residents also retreated, accompanying the Elk, soldiers could declare the town had been liberated from Elk rule. Unfortunately, this was not before Jefferson troops collapsed the town with underground tunnels. This makes 17 Nonetheless, the city is free from Elk reign, bringing the armies one step closer to restoring the counties to their original state.

The city of Oil City is taking new measures to boost the morale of residents in the town. New signage is to be placed on the south side with a slogan emphasizing positive vibes that are often overlooked. The idea came to Mayor Blunders last week after observing pictures of cities in the northern counties. Although Blunders does not have enough fuel to drive more than a mile outside of town, he was able to reflect on his childhood when his parents used to drive him places at a time when the city could afford fuel. Reflecting on the towns up north gave Blunders the idea to update the town's slogan to "At Least We Aren't Corry." The residents of Oil City loved it, citing that they remember Corry as being a run-down town with nothing really going for it. According to many residents, Oil City at least has a fountain that lights up at night. The new signage is still in the process of being funded. Officials say that it will take every penny saved in the treasury. Unfortunately, after four years, they still havent found the coffee can Mayor Blunders lost. Once found, they will go forward with creating the sign.

Mayor Phil faced worldwide criticism for fleeing his nation of Jefferson County last March during Elk's invasion. Recently, the political leader is making a name for himself again with his retaliatory approach against the armies of the Zugnar Alliance. The revolutionary method of collapsing cities with underground tunnels has Jefferson quickly eradicating the Elk troops occupying the region. In the last week, roughly 16 cities were sunk into the ground, leaving Elk with nothing to possess. An image below shows the southern portion of Jefferson's former region and the cities that have been destroyed. Red for "we're coming for you" Enemy soldiers are reportedly in fear with Mayor Bighorn of Elk left to decide if keeping his empire is worth the risk of losing more poultry before mating season. Bighorn has wisely told his armies to avoid highways to increase the chance of survival. Now, the risk of literally having the ground give way beneath them paints the risk of Bighorn no longer having a force strong enough to keep Jefferson County. Elk forces confused by strange noise At the same time, the complete destruction of Jefferson's infrastructure also raises the question as to what would be left for Mayor Phil if he is successful in driving the Elk away. In a press briefing this morning, the question was raised, to which Phil responded that he is "content with residents building their homes beneath the Earth." Phil, no doubt, has a vision for underground cities for the residents of Jefferson. Not only would these be impossible for Jefferson to lay siege to during future invasions, it will also guarantee that the natives to the county go undisturbed when it is not Groundhogs Day. Mayor Phil, left. Mayor Bighorn, right. Jefferson troops still have a lot to accomplish. County War 1 has been going on since February and will likely last until the Elk Empire diminishes. If Jefferson can successfully take back their territory, then it can be said that the head of the Elk has been cut off.

A recent standard enforced by Erie City lawmakers requires all children beneath the age of 18 to remain indoors from 10 PM and 6 AM. Now, lawmakers say they are facing scrutiny for citing adults who simply lack identification. Mildred Gerdtrude, a lifelong resident of Erie Pennsylvania, says she was unable to produce identification when an officer unexpectedly asked where her parents were. "My nurse tells me my parents died over 30 years ago." States Mrs. Gerdtrude of Presque Isle Village. "I don't remember their names. But my dogs name I don't remember." Young Mildred walking where she is suspected of graffiti With no identification provided, the police had no choice but to take her into custody. Gerdtrude is not the only one claiming to be above a youthful age. Ralph Wilfred of the Harbor Creek Senior Care Center says he was detained. The evidence? Having one year of high school left. "They said that the name of my care center was proof I am still in high school." Mr. Wilfred expressed from inside the waiting room. "I don't need an ID. The doctors won't let me drink and I can't drive because of my hip replacement." Venango Republic Stone Mason, George Washington, interviews Mr. Wilfred before his detainment Out of 22 interviews, only one said they were let off with a warning. Malik Omidubla, of the Greater Erie Suburbs, told us in detailed jive, exactly why the police let him go.... "'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!" Unfortunately, none of our fictional staff knows how to speak jive. That's when a woman stepped in stating that she spoke jive and was willing to help. Barbara Billingsley helps Venango Republic staff According to that woman from Airplane, this joke is extremely racist, which is why we at the Venango Republic would like to say shame on you who laughed! You are a disgrace! As we were saying... The person we were interviewing, who spoke fluent English and was dressed according to Erie school district standards, did not need an interpreter because he doesn't speak jive. How Airplane should have presented those men! Consequently, we called the police and had the interpreter detained for being past curfew. "The police let me go because I said I have a job at Best Buy." States Malik Williamson of the Greater Erie Suburbs. "They even let me drive home without my parents present! Erie truly is great!" The 21 other detained people are still waiting for their parents to come get them. Each have made a call home but are insisting they are dead. If anyone has information about the legal guardians of these children, please call Jenny at 8675309.

A Venango County resident is in shock after being encouraged to "killdeer". This came after he posted an image of an agressive bird with deadly intentions. "I wanted to warn the people that this bird chirped at me rudely." States Talented Personality, a Lancaster native residing in Venango County. "I was walking along and suddenly was attacked by this tiny ferrosious looking bird with a wing span of about two centimeters." Fortunately, Mr. Talented Personality survived the incident. But it came at the cost of him being encouraged to kill another form of wildlife that is much less agressive. An image depicting the messages encouraging violence towards nature can be seen below. Viewer discretion is advised. Despicable! "I was told to kill deer just because I posted a picture of a worm eating monster." Mr. Talented Personality expressed to us in his golden throated oratation. "I don't know if kill deer is some kind of slanderous way of responding to people warning of obviously dangerous animals. All I know is that I was on the receiving end of this phrase and felt very uncomfortable. " The Venango Republic researched this animal everyone keeps telling Mr. Talented Personality to kill. The species known as "deer" is a hooved cud-chewing animal native to much of the northern American plains. With an IQ of 210 in forest environments, and negative 210 on busy highways, the creature is most notable for its inability to jump out of a road when a vehicle is coming towards it at an obvious 65 mile per hour pace. Where more intelligent creatures, such as black bear, jump out of the road the minute they hear a noise, deer tend to take their good time deciding what form of brush they want to escape through, leaving researchers to wonder how they would last against an african preditor like a cheetah. Why the commenters online wanted Mr. Talented Personality to kill this specific animal is a mystery. What we can determine is that their absence would only leave us the worry about idiotic drivers going 25 in a 45 zone. Unfortunately, if we encouraged the readers to kill them, there would be a lawsuit if it actually happened later.

The method of collapsing public infrastructure is working in favor of the Pennsylvania Land and Treaty Organization. Jefferson County, who was initially brought to shame by their retreat from the Elk County invasion back in April, has now found redemption from a series of victories unforeseen by the western Pennsylvania world. As of this morning, the Jefferson County Tunnel Hogs, a special division of the Jefferson County military, successfully completed an operation that collapsed their capital of Punxsutawney, ridding it of all Elk-invading troops. This comes after a series of other collapsed infrastructure to include the City of Clarion and the Cranberry Mall in Seneca, Pennsylvania. Cranberry Mall on left, City of Clarion on right. While each victory came at the cost of destroying landmarks familiar to each region, Jefferson says that the approach of groundhog guerrilla warfare was necessary in regaining the pride of what made their nation's patriots great. "We were once a nation known for its ability to build tunnels of stability and tunnels of collapsability," states Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney, President of Jefferson County. "Now, we can say we have achieved that pride once again and have put it to the use of liberating our people." Search parties are now working to see if there were any locals who survived the wreckage. Although the matter brought widespread scrutiny, Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney assures the press that this is not the same as nuking one's own town. In this case, they were merely sinking the buildings into the dirt. Cleaning up the debris is another discussion Mayor Phil says they will have to put off to a later date, once the region is liberated from elk invaders. According to Phil, the county is more than likely to just cover up the debris with what dirt is available and rebuild infrastructure on top of it. Until then, Groundhog Day will have to be moved to another location.

Extraterestrial Beings are furious at the City of Erie after it was announced this morning that they will not rename Presque Isle to honor the legendary E.T. According to information from the Erie E. Coli, several bids to change the name were dismissed without any consideration of how close it resembles the hand of the former Erie native. An image can be seen below to help guide readers who suck at this kind of thing... Presque Isle without labels on left. With labels on right. "Me... Sad.... E.T.... Not.... Respected....." Said a slow speaking native Asogian from the Green Planet E.T. came from. "Presque.... Isle..... gift.... we.... gave.... Honor.... our..... fore.... father..... you.... must...." After making it through the two hour long quote, we quickly got in the car and escaped to find faster talking sources. Our intent was to understand why the changed name is important to E.T.'s people. We just didn't want to lose a year of our life to discover the reason. "If that is not E.T.'s hand pushing a button on a phone, then what else can it be." State's Marine Spaceologist, Comet Mebro. "Clearly the island was left to us in rememberance of his time here. It has been wrongly named as a "Presque" which is a French word almost nobody knows the meaning to." Mebro is now being criticized for failing to acknowlege other perspectives on what Presque Isle may resemble. One of the more common arguments is which human version of E.T.'s ears the stretch of land depicts. Best cases for both sides The loudest voices in this division are Senator Yuturn and Senator Albi. Currently, the stance's are Yuturn left ear and Albi right ear. We wanted to hear from the deaf community about this division but unfortunately learned that they are not ear. It is a hard debate to settle. An ear, a finger pushing a button, or a finger picking it's nose..... E.T. snot funny We can't be too certain what this land was meant to depict when E.T left it behind. We went so far as to ask his very own television empire. Unfortunately, they only speak to celebrities. As a result, the "almost" island shall retain the name "Presque Isle" with locals confident they "almost" understand why. Rather than giving reference to the wrong E.T. depiction, city officials feel it is best to use a French word to describe it instead.

The press has brought a lot of scrutiny to Mayor Blunders over his involvement in erecting a chicken coup octagon on the Outhouse front lawn. His greatest criticism is using county land to host a ruthless contest between flightless birds. Now, the CEO of the Kentucky Fighting Chickens is stepping in to the defense of Blunders. Blunders and Whitemeat dedicate chicken octagon to Venango States Anniversary "KFC is the safest pro fighting sport for animals trying to kill each other," states CEO Whitemeat. "We match fighters according to weight class. From featherweight to extra stuffed, every bird is paired with someone equal to where they fall in the pecking order." Mr. Whitemeat has a long history with President Mayor Blunders. Last spring, when a spitball assassin rushed the county correspondence dinner at McDonald's, Mr. Whitemeat could be seen observing the entire room while everyone else was lying on the floor. Venango County Secret Service Agents protect room with hand sanitizer Mr. Whitemeat is not outside the realm of criticism. As one of the richest men in town, he is being ridiculed for investing 60 dollars into the chicken coup octagon, which Mayor Blunders suggests may stay. "It is an honorary thing to have as a celebration of our first year-and-a-half anniversary," Mr. Whitemeat expressed to the press. "We are now an independent nation. And the Venango States of America deserves to splurge." The fight takes place this Sunday during Chick-fil-A closure. Participants are expected to number by the tens. Food will be available with an 8-piece as the primary feature.

County War 1 is now observing military engagements across the northwestern Pensylvania region. With soldiers from the Pensylvania Land and Treaty Organization now split on both ends of Route 322, the Allies have two fronts by which they are engaging the enemy. After taking the City of Clarion back from the Elk Empire, Jefferson troops are still tasked with having to repaint the border between Jefferson and Clarion County. Standing in their way are more than 23 Elk soldiers armed with Nerf guns. Jefferson military keeping tabs on Elk soldiers The fight to overthrow the Elk has been most successful for Jefferson when they are using indirect assaults. After collapsing the Cranberry Mall and Clarion Township with underground tunnels, Elk soldiers have been retreating. Meanwhile, on the Western Front, troops from Venango, Mercer, and West Crawford found themselves engaging Elk soldiers in a chess match. PLATO allies battle Elk army The inteligence of each side was equally matched with a stalemate being the end result. Both sides are to select new champions to represent their alliances tomorrow at the second chess tournament. Fortunately, no lives have been lost in the fight to end the Zugnar Alliance rule. Defeating the Crawfordiot Union and the Elk Empire is the number one objective for what President Mayor Blunders considers the most important objective in restoring order to the world of western Pensylvania. Even more important than bringing industry back.

The Pittsburgh Action News 4 weather team failed to execute thorough action prior to leaving the City of Clairton in confusion. A puzzling combination of letters left many wondering if Clairton was renamed to an allergen or just mistakenly misspelled with a typo. One Facebook user managed to capture the event with modern cellular photography asking the community "who did this?" The post went viral in a two-day period, with 82 likes, 64 comments, and six entire shares. Now, the imagery is being talked about among Pittsburgh residents nowhere. Unfortunately, we can't tell if the hay fever plaguing the region led typists to write the allergen as a warning, or if they actually intended to give reference to the town's true name. "I need to know if Clariten is a necessary substance to take at this time," states Miss Snot Alot, a local born with a nasal condition. "Achooo!" After bathing the nasal discharge off our bodies, we called Action News Four directly but found they take no action when answering the phone. After checking to see if the quadruple sized digit was a hint, we determined four phone calls makes no difference. Now, the City of Clairton will be left to wonder if they need an allergy pill, had a misspelling, or experienced a name change under their news organization. We would love to resolve this for yinz people, but we like leaving it a mystery for your inconvenience.

The Venango County Military alongside Mercer soldiers are marching closer to the City of Meadville where Mayor Dogfood has been taken hostage. Accompanying them are the two German shepherd soldiers armed with Meow Mix who were originally sent by West Crawford for Venango's defense. It has been several days since the armies were sent to recapture West Crawford from the enemies of Mercer, Elk, and East Crawford. Despite the journey only requiring 9 hours on foot, the armies were slowed by Laurel and Hardy's constant need to take a nap. Now, Meadville is in sight and the soldiers of Mercer and West Crawford are just waiting for Venango's men to wake up from their sleep. The only danger posed to the eventual assault is Laurel and Hardy's two feet sticking out from beneath a patch of brush. Laurel and Hardy of the Venango County military sleeping in the brush If noticed, the Allies will lose the element of surprise and will be forced to attack without it.

The City of Clarion can finally celebrate liberation from the Elk Empire thanks to the genius military tactics performed by Jeferson County tunnel hog soldiers. At 8 PM Monday evening, an operation took place to catch the Elk soldiers laying siege to Clarion by surprise. The county capital, which has been covered in snow for months, gave way to a series of tunnels dug beneath the city to collapse its foundation. Now, Clarion is free from Elk rule and can live continuously knowing they have been liberated from the tyranny of the Zugnar Alliance. In a press briefing today, Mayor Intelect of Clarion expressed his gratitude to Mayor Phil of Punxsutawney for providing the aid necessary for regaining his capital again. "It is a proud moment for me to realize I am surrounded by allies who truly care for our nation of Clarion," Mayor Intelect told the press. "Although we are tasked with having to rebuild the entire city, it is amazing to see how much we have endured to reach this point of liberty from Elk rule." Mayor Intelect addresses what remains of Clarion Experts say that Clarion probably will not recover from the collapsed buildings. Nonetheless, it is still an inevitable outcome for a city about to lose its University anyway. One might suggest this was an act to quicken the process of decline.